r/EnneagramTypeMe • u/Reasonable_One7371 • 1d ago
Help me please 😓
A user typed me as so4. Actually, when I opened the definition of so4 and looked at it, it suited me, but I also thought that I could be so9 because both of them had the need to belong to a group. How can I understand this better?
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 1d ago
Hi how are you 👋?, I hope you're doing good 😊.
Fellow so9 here, and same my friend I was torn between them both for a very long time, for how much they can be similar on surface level as both are withdrawn and social types,
and see of course some will say that it is heart type (e4) vs gut type (e9), sloth(e9) vs envy (e4), reactive (e4) vs attachment (e9), realistic outlook (e4) vs positive outlook (e9), and that's just the quick summary of it,
but it goes deeper, because both can be empathetic, helpful, and group oriented due to being social types,
but the thing is e4 is Individualistic and tends to be sensitive to anything that touches their identity or who they think, as they hate to be perceived wrongly,
because they're a (heart) type dealing with shame and feeling things deeply, so anything that's sentimental to them if criticized it can feel insulting and they may be wounded by it,
because they do identify and resonate with it, that's why they can be confrontational and dramatic (reactive), being closed off and distant (withdrawn), and having dark/ unique aesthetic, that makes them prove their point about who they are (individualistic, and realistic outlook),
comparing that to e9, being an (attachment) type meaning that you adapt unconsciously to your environment, more like having a malleable personality according to what's infront of you or what's expected from you,
and that's how the psychological laziness and merging comes from (sloth) , as It is being focused on what brings pleasure, harmony and satisfaction around you ,
and e9 is a (gut) type, that deals with anger that arises from overstepping boundaries, and e9 deals with that by being flexible, patient, withdrawn and non disruptive,
so you can say something insulting to them and they might get angry but shrug it off quickly, to keep everything runs swiftly, avoiding conflicts,and because they're already disconnected/ not giving a lot of importance on their identity,
but more about theirs and others boundaries, like what makes them and others uncomfortable and causes conflicts in order to avoid it and what can bring positive and harmonious results and do it,
and finally e9 is from positive triad, because instead of dealing with the problem, they tend to refram it to be less tragic or less dramatic or just ignore it to get it fixed by itself or by passing time, and have a believe if they go with flow, or where the wave and fate takes them it would work out eventually (positive outlook).
So yeah, hope this helps and if you needed any other questions, I am happy to help 😊.
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u/Reasonable_One7371 19h ago
"but the thing is e4 is Individualistic and tends to be sensitive to anything that touches their identity or who they think, as they hate to be perceived wrongly," I used to really hate being misunderstood, but as time went on, it stopped being a problem for me. So I came to this conclusion: "Everyone misunderstands everyone anyway, so it's normal. Then why do I hate being misunderstood?" After thinking about that, I didn't make being misunderstood a problem, but I don't like it when people misunderstand others as if they themselves are never misunderstood. It makes them even more insensitive.
"because they're a (heart) type dealing with shame and feeling things deeply, so anything that's sentimental to them if criticized it can feel insulting and they may be wounded by it," I used to get hurt and defensive when I received criticism, but that's not the case anymore. I take criticism seriously if it's genuine criticism, but I pay less attention to it if it becomes a judgment. And for some reason, when I was depressed, I was typed as Enneagram 4, but when I managed to get out of depression, some explanations of the Enneagrams resonated with me, and that confused me. I even wondered, "Am I a 9, a 4, a 5, a 6, a 1, or a 2?" I didn't feel very close to the others.
Actually, there are other things that confuse me. Before, I used to feel like a different person because society portrayed me as someone who didn't fit in, even if I did. (Now I feel like the same person as people And that relaxes me more because I didn't want to be seen as different in people's eyes if I was alone in any thought.) Of course, there were situations where I wanted to fit in but was too shy to, unfortunately. I focused more on situations where I could fit in. In situations where I couldn't fit in, I would sit and blame myself. I remember once trying to hide my feelings and smiling at people—maybe we could call it "suppressing my emotions." When I had problems with my best friend, even if it was a real problem for me, I would pretend it wasn't a problem for her. I didn't just do this to my best friend; I did it to some of my friends in the group as well. For example, before, I would think about the problem and suffer, but now I don't show much sign of suffering when I think about it, and I don't know why that's happening. Since I was little, I was always with my mother; wherever she went, I went too. I was very attached to my family, and even though there were things I didn't like about them, I'm still dependent on them because I was afraid that without my family, I would feel more vulnerable, like someone burdened with all the responsibilities. Even though my family belittled me for certain issues, I still loved them; it wasn't exactly a matter of hating them because I would cry whenever something like that happened. At school, we had a large group of friends, and I got along really well with all of them. I was the one who helped them the most and supported them when they had problems. I mostly talked about their issues (for example, "How are things with your boyfriend?" "You seem upset, did something happen?") because I didn't like constantly talking about myself; it made me feel selfish. Unconsciously, I was denying things. "Do you still love that girl?" "No," but even so, when I met her again, I couldn't maintain a cold expression, I couldn't give short answers when she spoke to me. When my best friend asked me these kinds of questions, I talked as if I would never speak to that person again. After a while, the group slowly started to break up, and the bonds loosened. But I was the first to break the bond because I felt invisible among them; I even thought they were uncomfortable with me, that they didn't love me. So I withdrew. After this incident, I felt depressed because I realized that some people in the group had started to like my best friend. I didn't feel any jealousy; sadness was more dominant, but at the same time, I was happy for my best friend. But sometimes when she came to me and said she felt unloved, I would comfort her by making comparisons between myself and her.
It's a long explanation, but I don't know if it will help me find my personality. I'm so sorry for bothering you. 😓🙏
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 16h ago
No my dear friend, it is totally fine, write as much as you want, I will always be happy to help you of course, don't worry 🥹.
And with this being said, it became very clear from your description that you're e9, specifically so9, due to the below quote of yours
"Actually, there are other things that confuse me. Before, I used to feel like a different person because society portrayed me as someone who didn't fit in, even if I did. (Now I feel like the same person as people And that relaxes me more because I didn't want to be seen as different in people's eyes if I was alone in any thought.)"
Like this quote that you wrote about wanting to fit in, but not feeling that you fit in or struggle to, is a classic textbook so9 struggle actually,
"Since I was little, I was always with my mother; wherever she went, I went too. I was very attached to my family, and even though there were things I didn't like about them, I'm still dependent on them because I was afraid that without my family, I would feel more vulnerable, like someone burdened with all the responsibilities. Even though my family belittled me for certain issues, I still loved them"
This quote is also a textbook e9 co-dependency and merging with other people, because you feel lost without them and their guidance, and is very forgiving,
"because I didn't like constantly talking about myself; it made me feel selfish. Unconsciously, I was denying things. "Do you still love that girl?" "No," but even so, when I met her again, I couldn't maintain a cold expression, I couldn't give short answers when she spoke to me. "
Again this is the merging of an e9, I relate to it as well, you can't look too much inward and rather more focused on others more than yourself, that you lose yourself, feelings and thoughts just to accommodate the other person to keep the peace and harmony between you,
And lastly being mistyped as other enneagrams, could indicate e9, because e9 is the mediator qnd the crown of the enneagram, so they can see everyone's povs, so they tend to mistype themselves alot lol 😂.
So yeah, my last typing for you would be so9, yay welcome to the so9 club 😆, and if you need to ask any other questions, I am more than happy to help of course 😊.
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u/Reasonable_One7371 13h ago
So in this case, I'm an Enneagram 9 and So9. I'll have to figure out which type I am as an MBTI myself from now on. Thank you for your help. 😊🙏🫂🩷
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 12h ago
Anytime dear 😊, and if you need any help with your mbti typing, let me know and I am happy to help ☺️.
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u/Reasonable_One7371 12h ago
You're truly the best person I've ever met. I don't want to ask too many questions, so I'll try to figure out my MBTI type myself. Thank you again so much. 😭🙏🙏
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 12h ago
Awww, I am going to cry 😭, thank you so much for your very sweet and kind words just like you dear, it made my day truly, much appreciated 🥹❤️, and you're always welcome and don't worry, I am here if you needed any help of course ☺️.
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u/Trick-Permission-482 1d ago
Hi! Try the main enneagram sub as well! I think tomorrow is type me Tuesday over there :)
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u/_straightasmyhair 22h ago
All the so9s &4s getting along in the comments yay :DDD
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u/JazzlikeMistake9237 16h ago
Yay, let's have utopia together 😆❤️.
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u/spiralling-ant 1d ago
So4 and so9 can commonly mistype as each other, especially if you have both in your tritype. They’re both introverted, sensitive and imaginative types, but they also have some key differences. I’m going to discuss the general differences between 4 and 9 rather than just the social subtypes because if you’re confidant you’re social first, it’s easier to split out the differences between the two numbers generally.
4s are in the heart centre, so they internally deal with shame and projecting an image to the world, while 9s are in the gut centre, so they internally deal with anger and holding onto autonomy. 4s are also frustration types, so they believe their environment cannot meet their needs and are constantly dissatisfied in search of something to meet their internal ideal, whereas 9s are attachment types and believe that their environment can meet their needs, but only if they adapt to meet it halfway. In the intersection of the centres of intelligence and object relations triads, we can understand these two types.
4s are constantly striving towards their internal ideal self - they have an extremely clear, fixed concept of self in their mind and are constantly fine tuning it and seeking to project this ideal self outwards. As 4s do not seek to adapt to their environment, they often will end up at odds with it, and can come off as pretentious or overly concerned with their own suffering. However, in reality 4s know unconsciously that their true self is far less special than the image they project, so they constantly deal with feeling of deficiency, that they are less than others and can never truly belong with others so they must over perform the negative aspects of themselves. They prioritise being authentic but tend to define that as being negative, critical of both themselves and their environment, and boxing themselves into a narrow range of emotions which they see as meaningful.
9s exist in tension between the desire to belong and be at peace, and the need to establish themselves as a whole person. They have a more fluid sense of self, and are more accustomed to hiding their true thoughts and feelings in situations where they feel that doing so would compromise their bonds or cause excessive conflict. Some 9s are more classic people pleasers, whereas others simply wish to be left alone and not have their peace disturbed by the external world. 9s are not complete pushovers though, and can be incredibly stubborn or passive aggressive when their needs aren’t being met, due to the repressed anger within them. Deep down, 9s feel things deeply and wish that someone would see them wholly and make them feel comfortable enough not just to “be themselves”, but to make them feel able to truly discover who they are outside of other people’s wants and perceptions.