Beware that this is long, so congratulations if you make it all the way through. I promise I'll get to musical stuff soon.
In my third installment of Evanescence roulette, I came upon the marvelously depressing piece, Like You. I'm sure the majority of this community is already aware, but it's worth mentioning for those who may not know that Amy Lee wrote this song about effect of her younger sister's death on her as a 6 year old child.
I remember the first time I listened to this song. I was kinda creeped out by the lyrics, which are intentionally kinda morbid because of the trauma of grieving someone when you're so young. In retrospect, I was a bit creeped out because I was still supressing the grief from suddenly losing my Mom. Once those feelings returned, and I've allowed myself to feel the grief (though not always in the most healthy of ways), the lyrics made more sense to me/were more relatable. So I'd like to first highlight a couple lyrics that particularly touch me, and display Amy's incredible vulnerability in putting this music out:
- "I hate me for breathing without you"
- I often feel it's unfair for me to be alive without my Mom around. The feeling is short lived, as I recall that I love life, but man is it difficult at times. This can also go beyond breathing: going on family vacations, spending time at home (I'm an adult now, but she also died when I had already left the house), even at times enjoying stuff that we would do together. It's not fair that I can be happy or do these things without my Mom. I saw an interview once where Amy said that, as a child, and after her sister died, she felt guilty anytime she was happy.
- "I don't want to feel anymore for you"
- In my experience of grief, there's a duality where I believe that I must feel sad forever, that it's not ok for me to ever feel normal again, and other times where I see that feeling like that is a huge burden, and thus not wanting to feel that way. Either way, I still feel the grief, and have to do something about it. Not really sure how long it will last.
- "I long to be like you"
- The trademark line of grief when one feels depressed - no longer wanting to be here. This is certainly not the case all the time, and when I do feel like that, it's usually short lived. But life is hard during grief. My mind is actually still in denial that my Mom is dead. Like I can say that but it doesn't feel real for me to say it. Pretty weird stuff, right?
These lyrics, among the rest of them, are an incredibly display of transparency from Amy, and I'm sure it was helpful for her to write it.
With the music - the piano at the beginning is so sad. If someone was played this song but had no clue what it was called and what it was about, they would know from the first few seconds that it would be something sad.
More on the sad tone - Amy uses a very breath-heavy tone during the verses, which furthers the feeling of sadness. She'll use more and less breathiness on and off during the verses, which seems to illustrate the roller coaster movements of grief. Amy also utilizes a bit of vocal fry at times, potentially due to singing lower, but most likely trying to sound weak. As you start to take the breath away from your voice when singing at the same volume, it will soon turn to fry. (Disclaimer: she did not use any fry in the live performance)
Further, Amy primarily belts in this song when she's singing directly to her sister, which almost feels like she wonders if her sister hears her. Like she needs to sing louder because she's singing to her sister in the ground. This is very morbid, I'm sorry for that visual, but it definitely makes sense.
The breakdown at the bridge after "No matter what they told you, you're not alone!" is very powerful, and what a great moment for the band to come in! But notice that the drums are never overpowering or fast. This is a moment of particular intensity in the song, but not necessarily a change in feeling. This seems pretty clear as the mood of Amy's voice and the piano almost dictate the mood of the drums, guitar, bass, etc. after the bridge. Just something I noticed.
So yes, very sad song. But it's a beautiful song. And I'm so glad that Amy played it live in concert on the U.S. Sanctuary Tour. It was crazy hearing it debuted because I have literally no other live performances to compare it to, and neither did Amy. So she basically sung it just like it is on the album, 20 years after writing it. It gave me chills to see that live.
