I am 35/F and on the spectrum, and ive come to the conclusion that this is what I am, and its absolutely devastating.

When I was 17 I met my soul twin. I didnt know it at the time and was dating someone else in that friend group at the time. But we started cracking jokes and we just "got" each other. I spent my entire life before him feeling completely alone but we just...resonated. I think its because we were both on the spectrum. He had hinted at it at one point during one of our conversations, but I wasnt really open about it with him.

The resonance only deepened over the years. When I first met him in person, I felt an indescribable connection that I didn't really understand at the time. Over time when we got to know each other better, we realized our special interests, sense of humor, and other hobbies were so similar. We trusted each other with our deepest trauma and talked online every single day. We understood each others triggers and sensitivities. I knew I loved him beyond words, worshipped him, but I couldnt act on it. I put him so high up on a pedestal that I felt that he would never possibly see me. I thought he loved other people and that it couldnt possibly be me that he ever chose.

We were always incredibly nervous when we met in person. We could barely look at or speak with each other. We tried but it felt impossible. I only ever could slightly open up to him in person whenever I had been drinking, and he was the same way. We still felt the most comfortable talking online.

Eventually he initiated with me online and I couldn't believe that it was real. He actually wanted me and it was real. It felt like a dream. I thought he still loved other people, and I'm sure he felt the same way about me. I was incredibly insecure during the entire dynamic. As things got more intense we started oscillating more.

One of us would pull away, then the other would do the same. Some "triggers" worse than others. The one for me was when I saw him on a date with somebody else, which i believe was his way to "regroup" after the intensity. That made me pull away HARD, because I felt used, I thought he saw me as nothing, less than nothing, and a villain for ruining his life, but I knew I was being a hypocrite for feeling that way. He seemed to understand how i felt. Of course I also felt like shit for pulling away which compounded the issue.

We continued to game online together, but I could sense there was an underlying tension now. I was absolutely terrified of losing him but I couldnt admit that to him. I just got more and more quiet and distant, and he did the same.

Eventually I was asked to visit by one of our mutual friends. I felt cornered and more terrified than ever of losing the connection with my soul twin. It was more important to me than words can describe, more important to me than life. But I still couldnt admit it to him. I thought he saw right through me, saw me as a villain. So I pushed him away under the guise of "you still like this other person so I cant intrude on that." It was a lie, but I still believed he wanted her and not me.

Looking back, I regret that moment more than anything. I know now how badly it hurt him and how he interpreted it, but in my mind at the time I was trying to protect him. I could sense that he was permanently pulling away. I kept checking on him and all I would get was an "Im fine.." and I eventually cracked and admitted my feelings for him. He then said "But you still like person x" and then i rambled on about something, but I don't remember what it was because I was in a fog of fear at the time, terrified of losing him, fearing that he hated me and saw me as a villain.

I eventually went to visit person x and he got with someone else, which absolutely devastated me. I felt like I was being unmade. In hindsight I realize I made him feel exactly the same way.

I eventually professed my feelings and he told me he was with the new girl now. But I know he chose her because I planted the initial seed of doubt in his mind by pulling away to person x. I was a hypocrite for feeling rejected, but I did. Eventually I pulled away completely from everyone, feeling lost, and utterly destroyed. I felt completely irredeemable in his eyes. I thought he hated me to the core, and in hindsight, I am sure he felt the same way. I bounced from relationship to relationship trying to find meaning again, but I couldnt. I felt like a hollow shell without him in my life. It took me a long time to recover, but because of the recent developments, I realized I was trying to heal a false wound based entirely on lies I had made up in my head.

We had not spoken in over 10 years, but as of recently it has been made clear to me that he has never forgotten about me, and that he had loved me, just as I had never forgotten him, and loved him. It took a long time and a wall between us for us both to start to understand each other. We unmade each other with our own fears, and our own shame, and we will never forget the connection, because we are soul twins that shared the rarest connection there is. We had the same fears, the same insecurities, and we saw each other in exactly the same way. We were like identical mirrors facing one another.

I feel so guilty for leaving him in the dark for so long, for running from myself for so long. I miss that connection more than anything to this day, and I know I will never find it again.

I'll explain the situation below, but since it's long, you can just read this : my main question is, for a Fearful Avoidant in deactivation about her feeling after excessive commitment and reveal of an anxious pattern in me, should I explain to her what I learned of FA and what deactivation is ?? I'm sure she doesn't know. I'm in doubt, cause in a way, understanding this could help her reconsider down the line, with time and understanding ... But since she may be fearing the control that comes from theorising on her, as FA, would you like to see this sort of talk ?? Would it help you shortening deactivation ?? by understanding your feelings, would you feel more fierce cause you feel more in control ??

Here for the long version with context :

Understand that at the time of the crisis, during the summer, neither I or her did know a thing about attachement theory. I think I'm a secure leaning anxious according to a test. she got open on her feeling and her fear of them, which made the anxious in me more commited and obvious, so she got avoidant, which made my anxious side rebelious ... You already know the cycle XD I have this weird distance friendship with a girl since 7 years. We are both the main friendly support of the other, the person we're the most easily vulnerable and intimate with. We saw feelings, recognised it. But a religious obstacle made it impossible, neither of us got relations. This is the situationship everyone talk about. Recently, I made every wrong moves in the book : expressing jealousy while declaring love clearly and strong for first time (so both expressing Anxious tendency and commitment) then later I sayed I was doing what is necessary so religious obstacle get down and we can marry (only way for her to get relationship, but still a commitment perhaps too fearfull and sudden).

From these points, she rejected feelings I felt reciprocate, to the point to modify the sense of some recent mails with feelings implication as talking about a long achieved past. This is the rewrite of past story that I heard about too. I tried to analyse, understand, obtain answers from her, cause this is my way to cope, and yeah, another bad move to a fearful avoidant, really should have done a bingo ...

I only recently saw there was a pattern linked to childhood. She got shocked I was so right, on her attraction to avoidants, and on the eery feeling she may have for the type of love I show, cause unfamiliar XD At first though about Affective dependency. She acknowledge this fast, her view of love based on the hunger, the void feeling, more than satisfaction. I mean, there's a part of it. Now I think she's also Fearful Avoidant (with anxious component when meeting more avoidant than her).

I also think she got deactivation. It may just be she only see me as a friend, but I felt a contradiction between how she view me before I try to commit and after, which seems like an obvious trigger. Since jealousy crisis and proposal, I felt a turning point in how she talked about me (you're the most wonderfull/charming/husband material ... switched to I'm not attracted, physically or mentally, I don't see myself with you).

Yet, she didn't stop the talks, so she didn't cut the commitment to the relation neither ghosted me, we talk pretty frequently in fact, just not about that once I accepted her truth, that she doesn't feel she love me. If she didn't need a full distance, maybe derealisation will be shorter ?? Anyway, I still support her (cause she have a stressfull time with a new job) And for myself, I re-assured the fact I would still be there for her, that my love feelings and compassion didn't got lowered during our crisis talk but I respect she may not have feelings anymore, it may be definitive or come back, anyway, I said that I just hope that if she feels something, she would come and talk about it.

Now I think about what's coming after ... I plan to not presurise her but still, she'll never get what she dream of (mariage, childs) if she cannot stand commitment talk, and she cannot have short term relation ... Also, I still want to be with her, that's my main reason to not let go. I feel she's not on the very end of FA spectrum, cause she's open to talk when crisis occure, she's generally more anxious sided but all this sudden stress was a bit too much for her. From an impossible relation fantasy with support to open-up marriage. For my defense, she's the one telling this is the only way to her XD

My questions are to know if I should explain to her what I potentally learned on her attachment pattern, mine and on what is deactivation ?? To make this relation possible, if she end up agreeing on wanting it, we'll have to talk about it, everyone tell that this is the only thing to avoid faillures in relations, put the patterns in plain views, but I'm mainly worrying about the timing : I can wait for deactivation to wears out, but it may be long, and she could also not tell me right away it is the case, cause she'll not want to enforce my anxious side to open-up possibilities ... I'm telling myself that if she understand what was going on, and we both acknolewdge what may come next (if feelings come back, talk about it and re-assess boundaries before to re-open commitment talk), she may be more open. There's also the option to mimic having interest in someone, it would put her back to anxious mode, but honnestly, I hate the idea of lying to manipulate her this way. After all, Contrary to what I though, she didn't lied to me either when she revoked feelings, it was just clear as water to her in her guts.

So feel free to five any advices or insights, I would love to have your thoughts

I was in a relationship for 9 years, married for 2. I think I can honestly say I was very secure in that relationship. It ended terribly, she tried to say she wanted to leave, I pleaded with her to stay, she did for a while but withheld all love, then she fully discarded me, then I found out she had been cheating for a year.

Only then I learned about attachment styles, and everything about her pointed to being FA leaning dismissive.

I got into a new relationship, fast. Everything felt different. Much more intense.

Things were mostly very good, although we did fight often, about once a month. I saw this as just dating an emotionally available woman who wouldn't bottle up her issues with me.

6 months into the relationship now, and in the last month we've had 4 different conflicts. After the second, I realized I'm very much an anxious attacher. I display all the symptoms, and I realize it has exacerbated things time. Each time I had become so convinced she would leave me. But she hasn't.

She's emotional, sensitive, very outspoken on her needs, but not an avoidant at all. She's still there with me and has flat out told me she can accept me being anxious and can live with it. But I don't want to be this way. What can I do?

I'm going to start therapy and I hope that will help, but even if it will that will take time. I'm still afraid I'll damage the way she sees me so much the relationship will end up failing anyway

I’m autistic + ADHD, apparently going through the extremely normal late-diagnosed-divorce-self-discovery-to-accidental-author pipeline.

I’ve been writing a neurodivergent romance novel called* Unhinged*. It’s based on a true story, but I’m fictionalizing the characters, locations, and identifying details so it can become its own novel instead of just being me recklessly publishing everyone’s personal business.

The story follows two autistic/ADHD adults finding each other after divorce and trying to figure out attraction, nervous systems, masking, autonomy, sex, communication, trauma, and what happens when you meet someone whose particular flavor of weird fits disturbingly well with your own.

The primary audience will probably skew toward women because it’s very much a romance novel, but I also think late-diagnosed autistics (men and women), trauma survivors and especially anyone who has gone through divorce, unmasking, or a major “who the hell am I actually?” period, may find a surprising amount of themselves in it.

I’m sharing the first 12 chapters while it’s still very much a work in progress. I’d genuinely be honored if anyone wants to read it and tell me what works, what doesn’t, what feels authentic, or where you recognize your own neurodivergent experience.

Comments are welcome, or feel free to message me privately if you’d rather not publicly announce which parts of Unhinged you related to. 😂

Book link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OzQNuKKLUIrjvfBOR_MZIXZ6-lcX3_Q-/edit?usp=drivesdk&ouid=100003697993732598733&rtpof=true&sd=true

I definitely lean avoidant normally (currently turned AA but the mother of all FAs). But how do I know if I’m an FA or a DA?

EDIT for more info:

It’s like if I am with an AA their intensity needs to end as soon as possible because they trigger unbearable internal feelings of pressure that I shut down emotionally and I will be as cruel as I need to be to make the discomfort stop and them go away asap.

But if I’m with another FA/DA who trumps my FA/DA, I turn into the AA and I people please, become
Intense and emotionally open myself, spiral and love bomb them until they feel the pressure, expectation and intensity that normally feel and they get rid of me.

Sono un evitante pauroso (ho fatto il test) ed in effetti mi riconosco in un atteggiamento disorganizzato.

Sono una F29 fidanzata con un M32 da tanti anni, 8, di cui convivenza 6. La nostra relazione negli ultimi due anni è difficile perché non riusciamo a comunicare.

Ho capito recentemente di averlo ferito molto con alcuni miei atteggiamenti. Anche se non ero pronta a fare determinate cose con lui, avrei comunque potuto comportarmi bene.

- quando sono ferita attacco duramente

- mi difendo invece di ascoltare realmente e prendermi le mie responsabilità

- ho paura dei cambiamenti come comprare casa o avere un figlio

- minaccio di lasciare quando sono troppo satura

- chiudo le comunicazioni quando sono troppo satura o mi sento sovraccarica o non capita

- sono insicura, gelosa, controllante

Potrei continuare ma questi sono gli atteggiamenti che feriscono di più il mio ragazzo.

Vorrei realmente migliorare perché anche io voglio una relazione migliore.

Ho iniziato terapia varie volte ma settimana scorsa ho iniziato dal vivo (prima facevo online) sperando che stavolta io possa affrontare i miei veri problemi.

Solo che a volte mi sento senza speranza, di perdere per sempre la mia relazione e soffrire.

I'm looking for a handful of people who have been using online materials to work on their attachment insecurities. I'd love to hear from anyone 25+ years old, using online courses, videos, chat groups, blogs etc. to work towards attachment security in relationships. This could be content like Personal Development School, Crappy Childhood Fairy, Heidi Priebe, Healthy Gamer GG, or similar.

I'd like to interview you about your experiences, good and bad, and how you feel you are changing. It's for a Master's thesis - the last step of my training. It is Ethics Board approved by the American College of Greece and my supervisor Dr. Canellopoulou. Interviews would be in the next week or so, at a time that suits you.

It's all anonymous, online, and should take 1 hour max. It might feel good to recognize your progress! And have my eternal gratitude! Please get in touch if you are curious at [anna.johnson@acg.edu](mailto:anna.johnson@acg.edu) :)

To be clear, I am not going to act on this urge under any circumstances, as that would shock her nervous system and likely cause her to shut down and push me away. She needs a strong, stable friend for everything she is going through now, and I know I can be that for her. I just need to get these feelings down somewhere where others can see, so I figured I'd try posting it here.

I'm so proud of her for handling everything she is going through and has been through. I'm also proud of her for standing up for herself when she realizes she's in a toxic dynamic. She's come such a long way with this.

It doesn't help me that a lot of the intensity of my feelings right now is being fueld by ADHD limerance. Not the first time this has happened to me with this friend, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Lol.

We've known each other for about 2 years. Both of us have done our own individual attachment style work and continue to do so, regardless of how aggravatingly slow the progress is for both of us.

I mentioned romantic feelings in the title. This is because I do like her romantically, but our friendship is a higher priority for me. She knows about these feelings, but doesn't feel the same, that's ok though. We've been there for each other in ways no-one else has been as friends, and so it's worth it to me to preserve the friendship. I'm not expecting her to change her mind, and I have way more attachment work to do before I start dating again, so I'm good. I'm pretty annoying. Lol.

Anyway, shoutout to my friend for all the healing work she's done for herself! Thank you for reading this ramble of a post. I'll probably delete it later. Who knows? Have a good night.

That's the only word I can think of. Resistant. I had a nice upbringing, and had friends until around age 16 or so. I'm now 30, have never been in a relationship, and every time I try, I just feel resistance. I saw a therapist once who told me that if I wanted to change, I could. My problem was that I just didn't want to. But my question is, why? I'm very confident when you first meet me, and am great at surface-level interactions. But I can never seem to get further than that.

today it just kind of clicked. i don't think im unhealthily clingy with him anymore, and im so happy. he doesn't take up my every thought and i don't overthink things he does or says or doesn't do. its such a relief, and i hope it stays.

Do I keep falling for avoidants?

Is anxious attachment really about being unconsciously attracted to avoidant people?

I’m 39 and single. I’ve had quite a few relationships, but most have been relatively short-term and none have developed into a lasting long-term relationship.

My therapist thinks I have an anxious attachment style and that I may be unconsciously drawn towards avoidant people, possibly because my parents were quite emotionally unavailable. I’m not sure I completely agree with that explanation, although I can recognise some anxious attachment patterns in myself. She said this is what is holding me back from finding a real relationship. I mean I have recently just ended things with someone who started ghosting and was distant with me and I thought this was great progress that I hadn't chased them or tried to get the relationship back. In the past I have tolerated ghosting and let an ex come back in and leave over and over, and cling onto them for years. I really regret the time I wasted on people who lacked the necessarily communication skills to be compatible with me.

In the past, I definitely struggled to let relationships go. I could cling, chase, and spend a long time trying to understand what had happened, particularly when I felt that the other person had avoided accountability or turned everything back on me.

I’ve done a lot of work on myself, though, and I think something has changed. I’m much more able now to recognise when someone isn’t taking responsibility or isn’t treating me well and to walk away. It can still hurt, but I don’t feel the same need to chase them indefinitely or somehow make the relationship work.

What I’m unsure about is the idea that I’m unconsciously attracted to avoidant people. How are you supposed to know someone is avoidant when you first meet them? And does having anxious attachment necessarily mean that emotionally unavailable people themselves are what you find attractive?

My childhood probably did affect me. My parents were emotionally unavailable in some ways, and I often had to deal with problems by myself. I also grew up dyslexic and queer, was bullied, and often felt isolated from my peers. I wonder whether those experiences contributed to my difficulty letting relationships go — perhaps because losing a connection felt particularly significant when connection had historically been difficult to find.

Something else that has surprised me is that my sexuality has shifted quite a lot during the same period that I’ve been working on attachment and becoming more secure in myself. I’m now much less interested in men than I used to be and increasingly recognise myself as primarily attracted to women. I don’t know whether those things are connected or whether they’re simply two processes happening at the same time.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

Did becoming more securely attached actually change who you were attracted to, or did it mainly change what behaviour you were willing to tolerate once you were attracted to someone?

I also feel like I am failing because I haven't necessarily completely gotten all the avoidants out of my life technically, though I wonder if sometimes relationships just don't work out.

I’m sure this question has been answered multiple times but I wanted a more clearer perspective preferably from a secure attachment style.

During conflict or hard moments I (anxious, tend to need someone with me and I’ll let all my emotions spill) on the other hand I believe an avoidant with (self isolate and take space to think about their feeling)

In these moments how would a secure act and can you give an example that people can relate to ?

Thank you.

Hi Everyone, I was hoping you could give me some advice. After many years, I've finally come to realize that I have issues with love and attachment. The problem is, I don't know exactly what the problem is or where to start with getting better. I was hoping someone here would be able to provide some insight and advice. For what it's worth, I often test as FA.

I've never been in a relationship so it's a little bit hard for me to work it out but I definitely know I have issues. I've been strongly limerent since I was ~18 (I'm 30 now). I have a deep need to believe that I will be loved, one day, even though it hasn't happened yet. When my hope in one woman fades, I scramble to believe in the possibility of love elsewhere: in a woman I know, in a stranger I see on the bus, or even in a certain type of woman.

I'm often limerent over my female colleagues. The smallest positive sign can make me feel ecstatic -this could be a glance, the tone of their voice or simply them saying "hi" to me. However when they don't look at me (when I would've looked at them), or when they interact with me in a way that shows they don't have any special interest in me, I feel completely devasted. It's so bad that I actually end up avoiding the women I am limerent over because I'm afraid they would hurt me with a look they didn't give or a disappointing conversation. I look the other way when we pass each other, I avoid taking the lift with them, and I tend to cut short positive interactions because I'm afraid that just around the corner will be a remark or a word which will shatter this house of cards and ruin the love I imagined between us. Behind each interaction I sense a danger lurking and I fear it. I want to get to know them but I'm scared. I feel relieved when they're not in the office (because I don't feel anxious) but then I miss seeing them. I prefer to be ignorant and imagine love than be exposed to the risk of it being revealed that love will never be.

I've managed to get to know one of the women I was limerent over. When I actually got to know her my limerence faded, but I still have a crush on her and I'm still very attached to her. I can tell she genuinely likes me and I'm easily one of her favorite people in the office. She has a distant, independent and reserved personality (I cautiously think she might be DA). I analyze all our interactions in extreme detail, trying to determine if there's something romantic there (honestly I don't think there is). I check her online status and her calendar way too often. If we have a neutral interaction; When she takes more than 10 minutes to respond to my messages; When I see she isn't favouring me in a social group; I feel anxious, unwanted, and hurt. It makes me want to give up on her. I feel like punishing her and making her suffer for hurting me. I subtly "punish" her by going to lunch with my other friends or I will pretend I don't notice her and subtly ignore her. But this doesn't last and in any-case she doesn't deserve it. I feel guilty and anxious because of our lack of contact and I eventually reach out to her to feel relief (I can't live without her). The cycle begins again. I wonder if I only behave this way because she's my crush and I'm uncertain about her true feelings. I don't think I'd still act this way if we were officially in a relationship (although who knows).

At various points during my attachment to her, I have tried to 'fault-find' with her. The very first time I saw her I knew I would be enslaved (I knew she would have complete control over my feelings and I would be powerless). I immediately tried to convince myself that she wasn't as attractive as I initially thought. I scrutinized her face and her body to try and find some element that would let me say "She's not that special" so I could release myself from her. But it didn't work. I also find myself fault-finding when I feel less optimistic about a romantic relationship developing between us. I use it as a strategy to try and detach myself from her and protect myself from the rupture I feel is coming.

In general, I struggle with vulnerability and expressing how I really feel. I struggle with letting myself be taken care of by others. I don't like the idea of others having that kind of power over me. However, at the same time I wish that it would happen. (It's often a recurring theme of my limerent fantasies). I also struggle showing affection and having heart-to-heart conversations.

Anyway those are the main points regarding my relationship with love & attachment. Reading this back it seems like I could be FA but I'm curious to hear what you guys think. I don't think my childhood was that bad other than my dad passed away when I was 6 and I was raised by a narcissistic mother (I think). Ultimately, I'm sick of suffering over love and I want to get better but I don't really know where to begin or if I even understand my issues. I journal a lot but I want to do something more purposeful and productive. I'd love to hear all comments and advice!

Thanks! :)

I was with my ex for 7 years he treated me poorly the while time and I found him on dating apps 3 times. Near the end he would break up with me then beg for me back. Two months ago he broke up with me and I found out he was talking to a girl on hinge behind my back and he was trying to meet her in Ireland. It didn’t work out and he came back and said he was a piece of shit and was crying about bringing my stuff. I told him play stupid games win stupid prizes.

He blocked me then unlocked me a few weeks later and was posting stuff that looked like a suicide attempt. I contacted the police and he went to hospital. He then went missing again the next day and the police asked me about a girl if I knew her I said yeah he works with her. Then messaged warning her the police are looking for him. She told me nothing was going on between them and she didn’t want anything to do with him.

He then begged for me back again said I was all he had said we would start a fresh and move away. I’m a fool and believed it till a week later he ghosts me. Then blocks me. He then unblocked me a week later on Snapchat and has been watching all my stories like clock work without adding me back I just ignored it because he has me blocked on everything. Until today a friend told me he changed his cover photo to him with than girl. I messed her asked what the deal was I said you do realise like only a month ago he got back with me then ghosted me and he’s viewing all my stories like clock work. She was like “he says that’s bullshit” “when he was with me?” I showed her screenshots and she goes “we weren’t together then sorry he hurt you but he’s moved on” I warned her again and I’ve told her he’s abusive (which he was verbally and emotionally) she of course won’t listen. Her choice I guess. I’ve blocked her now.

I don’t see how any of this is fair why does he get to go off with her when I am waking up everyday depressed. Some of the things he did to me were awful I’ve got scars on my arm from self harm because he made me feel so worthless but he gets her and I get my life taken away from me as I’m now chronically ill from the stress of being with him. It was only a month ago he was saying he loved me and promised me everything.

So I went on a mental health forum when I was feeling extremely depressed and there was a person who told me they really liked interacting with me and they seemed really kind, supportive and caring. They told me how much they liked interacting with me and eventually followed me, comments on all of my posts, my comments on his posts, and even my comments on other people's posts. He even praised me in his post and tags me all the time.

He started PMing me and we really encouraged me to open up emotionally. I felt like we were sharing a deeply emotionally intimate connection and it felt really wonderful but also addictive to be validated like that, I dont have any other emotionally intimate relationships. However, this guy sends me about 20 PMs a day plus all the other comments. It prevents me from being on the rest of the board.

Suddenly I started to realize that he kept probing me to open up more and implied I wasnt being vulnerable enough with him and so I felt bad even though I thought I was and then turned my emotions up to 11. ​but he still keeps asking for more. Then it dawned on me he hasnt actually been that emotionally open himself. I am also seeing his mask slip and he has said some pretty shallow things. He now seems totally different that who he was in the beginning. I think he might be a narcissist. He said he got I to the most prestigious school in the US for a very prestigious profession which I now realize he probably made up.

I very nicely told him that I want to just chat on the forum not in the messages because it was overwhelming. He said he understood, but the day after he PMed again to "check in" and clarify how I wanted to interact on the forum now. I think it may have been a subtle boundary violation because he could very well just keep doing what he has been doing.

I feel so sucked in. Im sad that this connection was probably not genuine. There is still a part of me that actually wants to hold onto it. A nagging part of me even wonders if maybe it could actually be real and I am just self sabotaging. I hate that my attachment style makes me latch on so hard to anyone who shows me a little validation or makes me feel special. I also genuinely do not know how to navigate this connection now, I do not know what to say to him. I want to stay on the forum, it gave me a sense of purpose supporting others there and feeling like a part of a community albeit a mentally ill one. Any thoughts?

Lmk what you guys think

TL;DR: This is about realizing that the deepest damage in a relationship often comes not from the original hurt, but from the lack of accountability, repair, and forgiveness afterward. It also explores how our nervous systems can keep replaying old emotional wounds before conscious thought catches up—and how healing may come from learning to choose a different response. The larger realization is that even when someone else won’t repair the damage they caused, you can still forgive, take accountability for your own behavior, and stop letting their emotional state determine yours.

I had this kind of profound thought today in yoga.

I was thinking about my ex and how the demise of our relationship was primarily because of her contempt and unwillingness to forgive. It was a problem from before we even got married, and we just didn't know it. Even she thought she had really forgiven me. But in therapy, we discovered that she still harbored a significant amount of resentment and anger from many things that even preceded us being married. She knows that she struggles with forgiveness. It's something she's working on.

I was thinking that even though I love her, and she was my best friend for 15 years, that doesn't mean that she loved me equally. I know that she does love me. But she also is more than willing to hurt me without any attempt at accountability. She lets her emotions rule her, and she lets me pay the price.

I know that her love for me is real deep down. But her selfishness is also real. And she will do anything to protect herself from the shame of her own behavior.

It's a really tough thing to absorb, knowing that your spouse is so afraid of accountability for their own actions that they will let you suffer. I understand reacting in the moment. I understand getting lost in the moment. What I don't understand is a lack of accountability and a lack of interest in repair. I can't ignore the shallowness of connection that that represents: a conscious willingness to let someone hurt on your behalf just so that you don't have to admit fault.

But, if I'm being fair, that's not the story she tells herself.

I also know that deep down she knows it's true. She's told me. It's not my assumption. But those vulnerable parts of her are not ones that I see often.

I had a lot of faults. But she knows that I also did the best that I could with what I had, and I asked her to go to therapy—both for our relationship and for herself—for more than 10 years. I could see the pain that she was in, and she wanted to ignore it and pretend that dark place wasn't there. She let her family suffer around her so she didn't have to look at it.

And I actually understand that.

I've done it.

But I can also see that I've done it. I am accountable for it. And I am putting in effort to ensure that behavior doesn't happen again. By doing that, I'm able to have radical compassion for myself.

My ex's reactions hurt badly, but what destroyed our relationship was the fact that she never held any accountability for the damage that behavior caused. She would always calm down and pretend like it never happened. After a while, this showed up in our relationship as inauthenticity. She was somebody who would be by my side no matter what one day and never wanted to see me again the next. I could never count on what version of her I would get. What I could count on was that that version would not be willing to be accountable for its actions.

And so our relationship slowly died.

I'm not denying my faults in the relationship. I have many. I have many more journal entries about the things I did wrong. But even now, as we're moving toward divorce, I don't have contempt for her in the same way that she does for me. I do harbor some resentment, sure, but I also see the wonderful person that she is, and I also see the very hurt and broken person that she is.

More importantly, I see the damage of my own behavior and my need for accountability, and I just wish she loved me enough to give me the same.

I deserve it.

In fairness, we really did hurt each other. She knows she struggles with accountability, but doesn't see how that clouds and twists her memory of events. I truly wish that I could be sorry enough for her to see my sincerity and forgive me. Not for myself, but because I know what comes next.

She would then feel accountability for her own failures and mourn them, which would breed understanding, and then more forgiveness, and therefore perpetuate the process of healing.

But I can't.

I have apologized. I have offered her kindness and understanding. I have offered her these things knowing that she won't offer them to me. I have done what I can, and I will continue to be a man who cares about accountability and repair with his loved ones.

And that got me thinking about repair, and why it's so important.

I think someone who has experienced a substantial amount of personal growth and has a strong sense of self may be able to forgive others easily and truly not let past events tarnish the relationship. But everyone has their limits.

Repair is what facilitates positive growth in a relationship. It repairs the damage caused by our own behavior through accountability—which means not only words, but effort. A willingness to put the effort in to grow and change the behavior.

Repair not only helps to heal the wound, but it also builds respect, thoughtfulness, and care in the person who caused the wound.

That is why growth comes from looking inward.

If you look at things only through the lens of what was done to you, then you're stuck. That is where resentment and contempt build. But if the other person is willing to offer repair, that is an olive branch that will often help facilitate forgiveness.

And forgiveness, in turn, breeds accountability, which breeds more forgiveness.

I never understood how someone could forgive another person who wasn't even sorry. They say, "You do it for yourself, not the other person," or, "Hatred for another person is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die."

I think I understand now.

If you're smart, you really do do it for yourself. Because you realize that you weren't innocent, and that somewhere you bear accountability. And so it becomes easier to offer forgiveness, knowing that you're actually going to get some gift of personal growth because of it.

It makes it a rewarding practice. A positive feedback loop.

And so I hope that one day my ex can forgive me, because I know it is something that she needs to do deeply to live her life most fully. But I also know that I don't have to punish myself.

Because we hurt each other.

Neither of us was innocent, and only one of us was unwilling to communicate, forgive, or be accountable. And that makes me sad because I am mourning the loss of my best friend of 15 years while realizing that parts of our friendship and relationship were just figments of my imagination. Justifications.

Because real love demands a certain amount of accountability and willingness to forgive.

She may have offered me as much as she could, and perhaps she just didn't have much capacity to offer at all. But at the same time, it's me who justified it to myself. Not her.

Because the signs were there. I just didn't want to look at them.

The same way that she doesn't.

So all of this percolated into a cohesive thought.

I've been mulling over this idea that it's increasingly easy to insert the emotion I want into a specific event.

What I mean by that is, if my son is being a wildling, I can choose to be frustrated with his behavior and its impact on my schedule, or I can look at the situation with curiosity, wonder, and compassion for the marvels of a four-year-old's mind.

I can just choose to change the emotion.

The one that I focus on is what matters.

They can both be true. They both probably are true. But I can choose which one to focus on, and that changes everything.

I am profoundly realizing that emotions are the body's first line of defense. Our nervous system ties feelings to everything. That way we can stay safe. They are the first line of defense before our brain thinks. They are trauma manifest—a deep-seated feeling at the root of an event. Something that precedes the thought.

And so, if a couple argues about the same thing, their body remembers the feeling.

When the situation reoccurs, that first line of defense comes online long before conscious thought. That's what being triggered is. It's dysregulation that spiraled out of control because your body responded to an old situation before your mind could evaluate whether or not the exact same thing was really happening here.

Under acute stress, prefrontal regulation can become less effective as threat-related systems gain influence, and that can color how you interpret what is happening and how you remember similar events.

From an Internal Family Systems perspective, it's almost like a more raw part of you gets to take charge because martial law was declared. And that animalistic part of you has very minimal limitations.

I also realize that it plays dirty.

If you need to believe something to be true in order to make an action, it will complete your memories and color them through the lens of those negative emotions to perpetuate the belief that it needs in order to take action.

How marvelous and mischievous the human mind is to do something like that.

Talk about the mind playing tricks on you.

It's almost like a more primal version of you got control and, like a child, is refusing to give it up—and is even willing to lie and manipulate to stay in control.

And so that has me focusing on two things.

One: the importance of repair, even when it doesn't seem necessary.

Because the body is the first line of defense. And so even if you consciously have forgiven the other person, your body probably hasn't. That trauma from the event is still there, and repair helps facilitate healing so your body can feel safe again too.

But more importantly, even if the person doesn't ever offer repair, you forgive them anyway to facilitate the healing within yourself.

And you can do that at any time.

Just like applying a different feeling to a situation, I can decide to offer forgiveness even when the person doesn't deserve it because it's what I need to do for myself.

I know that's what is written in all the books. But somehow it didn't really sink in and become understood until just now.

I had already reached the point of being willing to forgive without an apology, but only recently understood the process of why. My mind really likes to make sense of the personal growth—to see why it works.

It's almost creating a game of it. One that makes life more fun to live because I've gone from consuming other people's energy to emitting my own.

More than that, I've figured out how to—when regulated—insert the feeling of my choice.

This allows me to interact with people almost like a dance. I can lead the dance by emitting the energy that I desire, and if I get a reaction that I don't like, I don't have to give in and respond in kind. I can continue to lead with the next best move by choosing the feeling that precipitates it.

I can't decide if I'm somehow hacking my mind and training it to do things that are outside the normal, or if this is just how my brain should have operated the whole time.

Time will tell, I guess.

I will admit that I feel like a crackpot wizard sometimes.

But more and more, I think that's just me being me.

And I'm finally getting to see it.

I (21M) met a girl at a night club. She started talking to me and we danced together. We went to get drinks and in a drunken haze I realised she had already paid for my drink and hers before I could get out my wallet. We sat down at a table and kept talking for a while. Eventually we went back to the dance floor and kissed. At around 4 am we left the club and headed to my place. We got ready for bed as my roommate and my friends out of town I had left to the club with originally came to the apartment to sleep as well. Me and the girl cuddled and made out a few times in bed. We didn't have sex. In the morning she left quite swiftly back home as she had plans that day.

She had clearly expressed that she liked me as I did her. Now I can't help but feel very strongly attached to her even though we met and knew each other for only about 12 hours. I found her used nicotine pouch on the bed but I don't feel inclined to throw it out which I acknowledge is weird and creepy. I want to be able to move on from her but I also don't want her face to fade from my memory. I had a relatively long relationship which ended around half a year ago and I'm thinking if its lead to some underlying issues relating to my current feelings with this girl. I hate that I'm hyperfixating on this event that I feel like most people could shrug off more easily.

Any thoughts, comments or questions are appreciated.

Is it true that secure people don’t blame themselves when other people can’t meet their needs/when someone else isn’t treating them well?

How do you do that lol. I just always feel like if I was “better” I could get someone to want me? Like if someone is like “no” or ends things that’s fine and I don’t have a problem with that and I move on, but if it’s the like inconsistent push-pull behavior I always want to get the other person to want me even if I don’t want them or even if their behavior is hurting me?

I’m also not even 100% sure I’m an AA leaning secure I think I may be FA leaning secure sometimes lol, because I’ve spent huge chunks of my life avoiding dating/relationships because it feels bad and scary. If someone is consistent my anxious attachment doesn’t get triggered, it’s not until I experience inconsistency that I get triggered, and I usually try to communicate clearly and don’t really do protest behaviors often these days.

I feel like I’m struggling with attachment issues and keep repeating the same pattern. I’ve dated two guys offline, and initially both were extremely sweet, attentive, and constantly talking to me. But once I got emotionally attached, got close, and things became physical, their behaviour changed. They started ignoring me and would only be sweet when they wanted something.

Now I’m wondering if my attachment issues are making me overlook red flags or get attached too quickly. Has anyone else experienced this kind of pattern, and how did you break out of it?