[TW: Self Harm/ Sexual Assault]
So I am 16 MtF living in closet in Northern India (Bundelkhand), very Conservative region. Can't come out to anyone honestly. I fear getting discovered maybe that'd mean getting homeless. Last night I had a dream, should I say nightmare? in which they found out I'm a girl and everyone mocked me and did not accept me. Also my parents are very unsupportive, I mean I don't really have any real relationship with them atleast since I was 12.
Even before that life was not too great, My mom is too religious and suffered from hallucinations and stuff, was disfunctional for many months, I feared her dyin. Still is too religious and forces things on me, I don't want to : ( Too bad they don't care about my mental health.
They yell at me all the time like about how I keep wasting time, don't do anything, keep coming online(but where else do I be a girl? life offline is so dysphoric aaahh), once they tried to check my laptop and I was soo scared that they will find me out. They don't care about my mental health really, I feel ill all the time. I think there is some issue, like I'm allergic to sunlight in someway, it causes me headache within like 5 seconds and some other scars on skin? Very nice trait if one lives in India huh? Also I don't like bright lights or loud sounds they just cause me distress, I some days don't feel like eating, or doing anything honestly. It was even worse before I realised I'm a girl because I knew that I wanted to care about myself but felt too lazy(??) to actually do anything, just tired. I want to get checked but how do I? what do I do?
All this and then dysphoria, although I began to question like 18 days ago but then my dysphoria became intense like real intense, it got soo bad that I was unable to think anything, my mind just revolved around my identity, also was unable to really respond to anyone because of misgendering. idk this might sound too dramatic, but I'm jus tellin my experiences. I began to have restless nights, and I got really desperate to do something about it, I searched around and figured out that I'll have to do HRT on my own, so one day I took some money from home and bought Estradiol Valerate 2mg and I felt soo calm that day, I never experienced that level of silence and comfort in my life, somedays later I got some 50 mg spironolactone, I do know its kinda unsafe and I should get my blood tested and things are soo expensive for me, how do I manage to collect 990 + 140 rs every month, I feel so worried about that, but atleast not as dysphoric. I shaved all my body few days after that, although I ran the razor dry on my body for some reason, am such a jerk and somehow managed to avoid a haircut. Anyways, 12 days on Estrogen now. Yesterday I forgot to take Spironolactone and couldn't sleep.
Also I never realised it prior but now when I look back I felt dysphoria since I was like 12, I didn't have words to define things back then. I never really had good experience with school, I was sexually assaulted and humiliated by some kids in my class in front of my whole class and no one did anything, some laughed, It took me 4 years to accept that was a SA, also when I went to camp, I didn't like how things were there(I figured out that this was undiagnosed dysphoria, how was being forced to behave), the constant verbal abuses by army people there, I felt so bad and then the People there bullied me, once I just lost my senses, felt like crying and attacked the throat of that person and broke down into tears, I just remember being dizzy and doing something, It did create them a wound on their throat,
I have to prepare for JEE and it causes me soo much stress on top of all that, last year I was doing so much but I feel so wasted, days pass infront of me and I just sit being unable to really do anything, sometimes I feel like ending it, and I once did use glass shard on my wrist but it didn't go too deep thankfully, I want to live as a girl, doing girly things whatever that means, but that means I'll have to wait. How do I study, so much syllabus exam's in January, I feel like crying, wtf is this life?? I want to do something? How else will I transition if I don't move out to go to college, I feel so trapped. I want to study but how do I????????? Please help mee someone