Has it ever occurred to you that a breech baby has, for at least a few moments, worn its mother as a hat?

Arab-Ian

A masked robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

As he backed out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the masked and ripped it off revealing the bank robber’s face.

Without a moments hesitation, the robber shot the customer.

Then, the robber cast a steely eye around the bank and saw one of the tellers sobbing and staring straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him too.

Terrified, everyone left kept their eyes focused on the floor and their mouth’s clamped shut.

The robber yelled, “Well, did anyone else see my face?”

Silence filled the room.

Then, an old cowboy in the back tentatively raised his hand and, while keeping his head down, said, “My wife got a pretty good look at you.”

I'm always amazed.

He's like, Chris, It's nothing.

They're so much lighter when they're in pieces.

Just don't tell my late wife's family.

They still think her body's missing.

A lady was in her basement doing the wash. She was wearing only a little nightgown, and thought “Oh well, I might as well put this in too.” When she bent over the washing machine to add more laundry, a drip from a water pipe splattered the back of her head, so she put on her son’s football helmet. Just then the meter-reader came through the basement door, and said "I don’t know what your game is, Lady, but I sure hope your team wins.”

A man walks into a library and asks, “Do you have any books on paranoia?”

The librarian leans closer and whispers:
“They’re right behind you.”

They told me I'd need to update her address to show she didn't live with me anymore (???)

didn't have her address, so I just looked up the address of a local cemetery, since she's dead to me.

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends.

Every day they would sit together to eat their lunch. They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day! 

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said. "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said. "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" He asked.

She pointed to her lap and said. "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see." He said.

"Okay." And she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said. "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. 

He said to the little girl. "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her.

She said. "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the NECK and GIBLETS!"

You’re either on a roll or taking crap from someone

A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the doorstep of a House of ill repute and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in,

she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no.

He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want." Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him. Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?" He said, “Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the dose that I just caught". "When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose.

Then when dad gets home from the baby sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it". “In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and...

HE'S the b**tard who ran over my FROG!"

A drunk falls into a cab, gives the cabbie a $20 bill and bellows "I wanna get screwed."

The cabbie dutifully drives him to the suburbs and points out a town house. The drunk staggers up to the front door, bangs on it, and screams "I wanna get screwed!"

A female voice answers, "Slip $100 under the door." The drunk pushes $100 under the door. Nothing happens.

After a while, the drunk bangs on the door again and screams, "I wanna get screwed!"

The female voice answers, "What? Again?!”

I know, that's a lot of information to swallow!

Dear diary,

Today I learned, in the men's toilet at the local pub, that my penis is smaller than average.

Just fyi, Sea-Fair is an event held in seattle Wa On lake Washington. Imagine a row of boats tied together, alcohol, fighter jets (blue angels), hydro planes, and just some good ol’ merican fun.