r/KeepWriting • u/BleedingInkGirl • 33m ago
Fourteen Steps 365 Days of Her | Chapter 2 |
I saw him on Wednesday.
Not in the lecture hall. Not in the controlled, tiered geometry of rows and seats where I had a designated square of space and a reason to look at the front of the room. This was the hallway outside the architecture building. The long, linoleum corridor with the trophy cases and the pinned-up student work and the particular echo that made every footstep sound like two.
I was coming from the print shop. I had my portfolio case under one arm and a tube of drawings under the other and my phone pressed between my ear and my shoulder because Cassie was talking to me about a party on Friday and I was saying mm-hmm at intervals while thinking about whether I had enough time to re-do the elevation sketch before Thursday's studio.
And then he walked out of Room 314.
His office. I knew it was his office because I'd stood outside it on Monday for four minutes before knocking, reading the nameplate — T. MARSH, TA, STRUCTURAL STUDIO — in small brass letters, and then I'd knocked, and he'd said come in , and I'd gone in, and he'd poured me coffee, and his fingers had touched the mug, and I'd walked home in the rain without an umbrella.
That was two days ago.
He walked out of Room 314 and turned left, heading toward the east stairwell, and he didn't see me. I was on the other side of the corridor, half-hidden behind a group of second-years arguing about a laser cutter booking, and my phone was still pressed to my ear, and Cassie was mid-sentence about someone named Derek and his "situational ethics," and I stopped walking.
I just stopped . In the middle of the hallway. Like my legs had received a different set of instructions than the rest of me.
He was carrying a stack of books. Not a lot. Four, maybe five, pressed against his chest with one arm. His other hand held his travel mug. He walked the way he did everything — unhurried, deliberate, each step placed like he was checking the ground for structural integrity before committing his weight. His jacket was different today. Dark green. Corduroy, maybe. Soft-looking. The sleeves were too long and covered his hands halfway, and he kept adjusting them, pulling them back to his wrists, and each time he did, I saw the watch. The scar. The long fingers.
Cassie was still talking. "—and then he said, 'Well, technically, it's not cheating if you redefine the parameters,' which is the most Derek thing—"
"Mm-hmm," I said.
I was not listening to Cassie.
I was watching Theo Marsh walk down a hallway.
He passed the trophy case. Passed the pinned-up drawings from the spring showcase. Passed the water fountain where someone had taped a handwritten sign that said PLEASE STOP PUTTING COFFEE IN THIS . He didn't look at any of it. His eyes were forward, slightly downcast, the way they are when you're thinking about something specific and the world around you has become scenery.
I counted his steps.
I don't know why. I don't know what part of my brain decided that this was a thing to do, a thing to track , the number of times his left shoe hit the linoleum between Room 314 and the east stairwell. But I did. I counted. One. Two. Three. Four. Each step even, measured, unhurried. His stride was longer than average. He didn't bounce. Didn't shuffle. His feet landed flat and rolled forward, and his shoulders stayed level, and the books stayed balanced against his chest, and the whole thing was so steady , so completely without wasted motion, that watching him walk felt like watching someone build something. Like every step was a beam being placed. A joint being set. A structure going up, one careful piece at a time.
Fourteen steps. Room 314 to the stairwell. Fourteen steps.
He reached the door. Pushed it open with his shoulder because his hands were full. Held it for a second — not for anyone behind him, just a reflex, a habit of holding doors, his body doing it before his brain registered whether someone was there. Then he went through. The door swung shut. The little rectangular window in it showed his shadow for half a second. Then nothing.
He was gone.
I stood in the hallway.
"Lena? Lena, are you—"
"What?" I said.
"You've been quiet for like forty seconds. I asked if you wanted me to pick you up at nine or ten."
"Ten," I said. I didn't know what I was agreeing to. I didn't care.
"Okay. Cool. Are you okay? You sound weird."
"I'm fine. I have to go. I have a sketch to redo."
"You said 'mm-hmm' four times and didn't hear a single thing I said."
"I heard everything. Derek. Situational ethics. Redefining parameters."
A pause. "You literally heard nothing."
"Bye, Cassie."
I hung up. Stood in the hallway. The corridor was emptying. The second-years had resolved their laser cutter dispute and dispersed. The echo faded. The fluorescent lights buzzed.
I looked at the east stairwell door. The door he'd gone through. The little rectangular window was empty now. Just glass. Just the grey stairwell beyond it.
Fourteen steps.
I hated myself a little. Not a lot. Not in a dramatic, what is wrong with me way. Just a small, quiet, rueful hatred. The kind you feel when you catch yourself doing something stupid and can't stop. Like picking at a scab. Like rereading a text you shouldn't have reread. Like standing in a hallway counting a stranger's footsteps and feeling your chest go warm when he held a door open for no one.
He's a TA , I thought. He's your TA. In three days you will sit in a studio and he will look at your cantilever model and say, "Your joint needs a secondary brace," and that will be the entirety of your relationship. You will not see him in hallways. You will not count his steps. You will not stand behind laser-cutter arguments and watch him walk away like he's the last person on earth and you've been given four seconds to memorize him.
You are twenty-one years old. You are an architecture major. You have a scholarship to maintain and a sister to send money to and a portfolio that needs fixing. You do not have time to stand in a hallway and feel your sternum go warm because a man in a green jacket adjusted his sleeves.
I walked to the print shop. Collected my prints. Walked to the studio. Set up my drafting board. Unrolled my elevation sketch. Picked up my pencil.
I drew for two hours.
And three times — three separate times, I counted these too, God help me — I looked up. Toward the corridor. Toward the east stairwell. Toward the door he'd gone through.
No one was there. Of course no one was there. He was in his office, or in another building, or in the faculty lounge, or anywhere in the world that was not this hallway, and I was sitting at a drafting table in a half-empty studio drawing a building elevation and glancing at a door like a teenager waiting for a text.
I put my pencil down. Pressed my palms flat against the drafting table. Felt the cool laminate under my skin.
Stop it , I told myself. Stop it right now.
I picked the pencil back up. Drew another hour.
---
That night, in my dorm room, Cassie was out at a study group that was definitely not a study group. The room was quiet. The radiator ticked. Rain tapped the window in small, irregular bursts, like someone testing whether they were welcome before fully arriving.
I sat on my bed with my notebook. The same one. The one with T. Marsh. Hands. Ink on the thumb. Scar on the knuckle. written on the first page.
I turned to the second page.
I wrote: Fourteen steps. Room 314 to the east stairwell. Green jacket. Corduroy. Sleeves too long. He adjusts them. Pulls them back. He holds the door for no one. He holds it anyway.
I stared at the words.
I underlined he holds it anyway .
Then, below that, smaller, almost embarrassed: I counted. I stood in the hallway and I counted his steps. Fourteen. I don't know why. I don't know what I was looking for. I don't know what I was hoping to see. He didn't see me. He didn't know I was there. I was behind the laser-cutter people. I was no one. I was seat 14. I was a grey sweater.
But I counted.
And my chest went warm.
And I hate that it went warm.
And I would do it again.
I closed the notebook. Set it on the nightstand. Turned off the lamp. Lay back. Stared at the ceiling. The rain picked up. The radiator ticked its slow, metallic tick.
Thursday was tomorrow.
I was going to sit in the studio. He was going to walk in. He was going to look at my cantilever model. He was going to say something about shear loads and lateral forces and the philosophy of weight. He was going to look at me, or not look at me, and either way I was going to feel it in my chest, and I was going to hate it, and I was going to sit in row eleven and let it happen.
I pulled the blanket up to my chin.
Fourteen steps.
I closed my eyes.
I counted them again.
.