r/Marriage • u/Acceptable_Ask4039 • 3h ago
Ask r/Marriage Need suggestions
My husband drinks daily but denies when I ask him. I saw his bank statement and found out this. He sleeps at his mother’s house 4 days and 3 days in our home. His parents are not ready to accept me as our’s is a love marriage. I pay all the rent, grocery, wifi, electricity bills as he has debts to pay. I support him. Is this ok? I really love him and I am anxious that he might spoil his health and I will be left alone. How to tackle this situation?
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u/Queasy_Blueberry_357 3h ago
I am confused why he doesn't live with you full time. That's not a stable marriage to begin with
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u/AmazingDrama971 3h ago
He needs to stop drinking before e you start anything more
You don’t have to pay for everything he has to make change and take accountability for his debt
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u/liberaltx 3h ago
How old are you both? And why does he spend so much time over at his parent’s home?
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u/Acceptable_Ask4039 3h ago
32 year old. They are old and they are afraid to live alone
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u/koifishyfishy 3h ago
It sounds like YOU are married while he's still a bachelor who visits you a few days a week for marital benefits. And he's an alcoholic.
Are you sure this is love?
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u/ferrycrossthemersey Just Married 3h ago
This isn't a marriage. He doesn't live with you or contribute financially to your life. Like he's not even a roommate.
ETA: Just for the record, you deserve better than this.
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u/LuckyShenanigans 3h ago
Am I correct in guessing that you live in a country where arranged marriages are, if not the norm, then the expectation for many families?
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u/ContentToe3633 3h ago
Lying about it is a sign of alcoholism. Go to Al-anon and learn to quit enabling him.
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u/Individual-Goat-81 3h ago
You're worried about being left alone?
Aren't you already mostly alone? He isn't a household contributor. He doesn't even live there more than 50% of the time.
His priorities are drinking, getting into debt, and sleeping at mommy's house.
Honey. You're already alone. Just make it official and cut off the dead weight.
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u/NoSyllabub5932 3h ago
Well it does not sound like you are getting much out of this? What is a love marriage?
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u/biteme717 3h ago
You don't have a marriage and you don't have a husband. You have a FWB'S relationship and you are bankrolling it. This man has it made. Lives with mommy and screws you in the process.
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u/queenapsalar 3h ago
Girl no, this isn't going to get better, only worse. Get out now while you can. It may be a love match for you, but he is not acting in a loving way
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u/bruiser9876 3h ago
What is a love marriage?
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u/TearsUnfthmblSdnes 3h ago
It was not an arranged marriage, they married for love. Although im pretty doubtful as to how much he actually loves her since he doesnt live with her full time, lies about his drinking and pays no bills.
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u/Shot-Artichoke-4106 20 Years 3h ago
Your husband is a spineless alcoholic with debt. He spends over half is nights away from home. You pay all of the living expenses. Does this sound ok?
You said you are worried that he will spoil his health (because of the drinking?) and that you'll be alone. But you are already basically alone.
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u/AdvisorImaginary8073 3h ago
Why is he staying at his parents so much? Why dont his parents accept your marriage? Why are you okay with this arrangement? No this is not okay. Drinking daily will result in issues. My cousin passed of liver cirrhosis from drinking daily, and let me tell you it was horrible. He should get help.
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u/Stargazer-Lilly7305 3h ago
Im going to assume that you are located in India, or have other similar background where the children are expected to marry at the direction of their parents, and even then sometimes still expected to occupy a bedroom with their spouse in their family home??
You married for love, sure. But unless your husband is willing and able to contribute to expenses the incurs, it seems like you are a convenient and somewhat socially acceptable person to have sex with, as long as he doesn’t have to be financially responsible for a situation he in large part created.
You, right now, are paying for an apartment, utilities, services, and groceries for 2 people, because he expects all these things to be in place, and available to him when he comes by.
Do you know specifically what these debts are, and what the repayment schedule is? Additionally, sitting down with his bank statement and stating what you now are aware of would be a good start. Just don’t expect it to go well.
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u/learningprof24 20 Years 3h ago
Why are you financially supporting a man who still lives with his mom most days?
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u/WestStrength2719 3h ago
You paying all of the bills is not ok while he's getting himself out of debt and is using his spending money on alcohol. They lying about it makes this even worse.
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u/chez2202 2h ago
This is not a marriage. There’s a lot going on here so my comments may be a little bit disjointed as certain questions you asked or statements you made may have multiple answers.
He sleeps at his mother’s house 4 nights a week because his parents don’t accept you. This is him telling them that it’s ok. It’s also him telling you that he will never stand up for your marriage.
He has debts to pay so you are paying all of the bills, yet his bank statements show you that he has money to pay for alcohol on a daily basis whilst you are paying for everything else. How can you be sure that the payments you saw are definitely for alcohol? My bank statements just say the company name and the payment amount, not the items purchased.
I’m assuming that the bank statements come to your address. It’s probably so that his parents don’t see them. Did you look at the rest of the transactions? Did you see payments towards the debts that he has? And did you see payments to his parents?
He’s letting them control his life and this could be a factor contributing to his alcohol dependence. If the alcohol is definitely the purchases being made and is definitely for him. It could be for his parents.
It’s not going to get any better. He isn’t going to live with you full time. You already get less than half of his time.
Now to the REALLY important question.
What are you going to do if you get pregnant? You will STILL only have a husband for 3 days a week. You will STILL have to work to pay for your house, utilities, WiFi and groceries, so you won’t be able to stay at home with your children. You will just have the added cost of childcare on top of paying for everything else. And your husband WON’T contribute financially towards your children.
Even if you won’t stand up for yourself in this half marriage, you should be telling your husband NOW that you won’t be having children with a man who is likely to neglect them, and that if you ever DO end up pregnant by him, his parents will NOT be a part of their lives if they don’t accept you.
Like I said, my answer is disjointed, and I have presented a few possibilities to some of the comments you made. But the last 2 paragraphs above are the really important ones.
Good luck x
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u/Acceptable_Ask4039 2h ago
Transactions shows the Bar names that he goes everyday
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u/chez2202 2h ago
How can he deny it on the days he is staying with you? You must know that he is going to the bar every night. Or is he going during the day rather than going to work?
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u/Acceptable_Ask4039 1h ago
During the day or evening, on the way from his home to our’s and vice versa he goes to the bar I guess
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u/chez2202 1h ago
Is he working at all?
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u/Acceptable_Ask4039 1h ago
Yes
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u/chez2202 1h ago
So let’s recap. He’s going to the bar every day after work. He’s living most of the week with his parents. He pays nothing towards your rent or bills because he’s paying off debt, but he can afford to go to the bar every day.
You never answered my question about the other things you saw on his bank statement, such as payments to his parents or payments to his debts.
You really should have another conversation with him about your future. Because I can’t see one where you ever come first in his life, and I can’t see one where your possible future children come first. I also can’t see his parents ever accepting you. But I can see them continuing to freeze you out whilst still insisting on having access to your future children.
You should cut your losses.
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u/Stunning_Slice_5123 2h ago
Is he contributing to your life in even the slightest way? Love is not the same thing as value and it sounds like you're the one providing both.
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u/Trick-Government513 3h ago
Why is he still sleeping at his mother's house 4 nights a week??? What are these health issues?? This sounds less like a marriage and more like you're his sugar mama.