r/Mommit • u/themominthemoon • 1d ago
Husband rant
I think I hate my husband. And I fucking hate that I feel this way.
I want to be a good team. I want to appreciate his efforts. I want to see him as a wonderful father. But I don't. I see glimpses that give me hope. But overall, we fight about stupid useless things *constantly*.
I'm constantly having to double check that he put the diaper on correctly, or that he's giving our one year old age appropriate foods (why do I have to keep saying no raw apple or cucumber or a whole ass pickle??!), or that he put the harness on correctly in the car seat, or that he packed what's required for a daily outing. Then 9/10 times I have to fix the diaper, fish a chunk of raw apple out of baby's mouth, tighten &/or untwist the carseat harness, repack the bag with weather appropriate clothing and enough diapers and etc etc. And his phone OH MY GOD THE PHONE for fucks sake. It seems like every day I have to tell him to put his phone down and watch the baby, then I hear the baby crying and turn around to see husband on his goddamn phone. Like hello???? Your baby is crying and reaching for you and you're too busy to notice. What the actual fuck. He also can't seem to spend time with our little one without headphones in - listening to a podcast or audiobook. The lack of ability to be present is pissing me off.
The thing is, we've been together for almost half our lives. We had an almost 15 year relationship before having a kid, and it was an amazing relationship. I genuinely thought we'd be great together as parents. We've been talking about it for years - the kind of parents we wanted to be, the parenting styles we like/don't like, what our family would be like. And like I said before, I see glimpses of this version of him, but I need more of this. I feel like I have 2 toddlers sometimes.
Anyways I just needed to rant. Please tell me if I'm in the wrong, I'd like to do what I can to make this work and to be a better parent & partner. And please share if you've been in a similar situation and what you did to make things better.
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u/Zealousideal-Mine-76 1d ago
You're in the right to be upset about the choking hazards and carseat not being buckled properly. I'd stay on him about those and maybe share some sources on why it's important and how to do things correctly. I know with my husband, sending him a long article is useless but finding a short YouTube video works. Your husband likes podcasts so maybe finding a few relevant episodes of a parenting podcast would help.
If you can let him fail in ways that don't endanger your child, I would. If he's packing the diaper bag to take your baby out somewhere and didn't pack enough diapers he can figure that out on his own. The same if he puts a diaper on incorrectly and there is a leak. I know it seems a but callous but I was a single mom in my early 20s and I had to just live through my mistakes like that and learn from them so maybe that is what it will take for him.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
Thank you for your suggestions 🙏🏻
When it comes to letting him fail in the little things, it always ends up being me that has to fix the issue. I deal with the leaks (usually happens at night when he's sleeping soundly while I change the diaper and pj's, I take care of laundry while he's at work so he doesn't usually notice how frequently I have to wash the sheets), and I always have a back up diaper in my purse that gets used when we're out and need a diaper that wasn't packed in the diaper bag. I'd honestly love for him to experience the repercussions of his mistakes, but it seems to always fall on me to fix it so he doesn't learn. I've had to learn all these things because I've made the same mistakes, but I don't have someone to pick up the slack so I've had to learn.
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u/oodlesofotters 1d ago
Not saying you have to to this route but you COULD make these things his problem. Leak at night? Wake him up and tell him the diaper he put on leaked and he needs to clean up the baby and change the sheets, Out and about without a diaper? Shrug and say “oh you didn’t pack one, what should we do?”
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u/One_Conference_4618 22h ago
This! He needs to see the consequences to the incompetence. Either he’ll actually realise or if it is weaponised he’ll stop.
Every leak from a nappy he did wrong > he gets up and sorts it.
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u/lonelyhrtsclubband 16h ago
You may find it helpful to reframe it. You don’t have to keep an extra diaper in your purse, you choose to because it’s better than the alternative (going home early because of a diaper emergency). You can choose not to bail out your husband.
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u/Leading-Room-4574 1d ago
Damn I give my kid raw apple all the time! and pickles
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u/Woww_itsme 22h ago
1 year old not chewing raw apple I can see, but pickles and cucumbers definitely a different story.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
I've found chunks of apple and pickle in my boy's cheeks like he's a little chipmunk. If he could chew them up I'd be all for it, but I think until he has molars I prefer to give softer food that I know he can chew with his gums
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 18h ago
Btw you can use a potato peeler on a raw apple to make thin slices. I did this until my son was able to chew a chunk of a raw apple
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u/Candid-Area-1822 1d ago
Same. My dad gave my dad a piece of an apple when she was 6 months old and I found it in her mouth 5 minutes later 😫
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u/GuideInfamous4600 1d ago
How about couples therapy? Even for just short - term.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
Yessss I'd love couple's therapy. We're both in individual therapy right now for other reasons, but couple's therapy is definitely in our future 🙏🏻
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u/GuideInfamous4600 1d ago
Awesome. I used to work in a couples therapy practice (not as a therapist), and it seemed to help a lot of couples.
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u/eroded_wolf 1d ago
I got into a fight with my spouse today and am super pissed for a lot of similar reasons, but my kids are older. They don't seem to respect him. They don't pay attention until I am telling them to do something. He plays with them, but he doesn't participate in their care much.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
This is something I worry about all the time. The way my husband acts with our one year old sets the tone, and if things continue the way they are I worry that when he's older he won't see his dad as a parent to respect, but as a buddy to have fun with. And on the flip side that will make me the bad guy because I'm alone in enforcing safety and rules. I just hope that things can change before we get to that point
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u/Significant_Citron 1d ago
It's probably clear to you that you're carrying all the mental load of your household. I think if he's willing with your child so small I do believe there's hope for things to get better. I also think you should bring this whole thing up to him.
As for phone, we have started to loudly tell what we're doing on the phone if we're on it while with our kids. "I'm texting grandma about the weekend visit", "I'm paying a bill", "I'm ordering groceries" etc. I even let my oldest observe me doing these things and she has figured out that phone is truly adult boring thing and only fun thing is sending emojis, but even that wears off pretty quickly.
I hope your husband gets it.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
Thank you 🙏🏻
Love the idea to state what the phone is being used for. I do this sometimes when I notice my toddler watching me using my phone, but will start being more consistent and will mention it to my husband too.
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u/Significant_Citron 1d ago
Yeah, it's also a great tool to not doom scroll while with kids (when kids aren't around I myself fancy a good doom scroll session 😁), because if you're announcing that you're scrolling TikTok you probably know that's not the best thing to do anyway, lol.
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u/BrownTinaBelcher 1d ago
I think you might need to sit him down and have a come to Jesus conversation. I’m not diagnosing but I wonder if all the little things are due to a phone addiction and lack of being present. He’s half assing everything including safety. So maybe you both need to do a phone left in a different room for a set period of time. Then go over the basics you’re worried about. And make him fix and correct everything himself. If he puts in proper effort and you can trust him with the baby, then you can work on your relationship. If he doesn’t then you have your answer on how invested he is. Having an incompetent partner is not worth it when you have kids. You’ll be better off doing it all yourself instead of doing it all yourself after fixing someone else’s mistakes
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
Oh you're absolutely right, and we've talked about phone addiction several times. He's even deleted social media and browser apps, but he still finds ways to be on his phone - messaging people just to chat and share gifs, scrolling the news app. I like the idea of leaving our phones in another room, and I'm more than happy to initiate that - thank you for the suggestion.
When I get into this state of being so unbelievably exhausted and frustrated, I can't help but think it would be so much easier on my own. But I don't want to feel that way. I want my husband to want to be invested in our family.
Thank you for commenting, your advice is very helpful 🙏🏻
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u/BrownTinaBelcher 15h ago
I’m so sorry! That is so hard. And I get the exhaustion- I’ve been there where you feel tired to your bones. The sad thing is that even though you’re present and managing your phone time, you’ll have to sacrifice that to make him do it with you. It is a huge burden. My husband is super involved but he still sometimes gets stuck in doom scrolling mode when we’re relaxing with the kids. We both have to remind each other to put it away and focus in the moment. The alarming thing to me from your post is the safety piece (car seat belt, choking on food). That’s worth completely cutting him off from parenting duties until he gets his shit together. Wishing you all the best and sending hugs!
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u/fullcirclex 1d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through this!
I think in regard to appropriate foods for the one year old, I’d ask him why he continues to give those foods. It’s bizarre that he’d repeat the behavior over and over. Is it that he’s just giving baby part of his snack?
With the podcast/audiobook, I do that when I’m playing with my 3 month old. I feel like it makes me engage with her more because I’m not inclined to reach for my phone. I make faces at her, move the hanging toys her playmat, etc., but she’s not super interactive yet, so it feels like a win win. My older kids, I wouldn’t because they want to have a conversation.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
It usually is just him sharing his snack. Which would be totally fine if it was appropriate for baby's ability, but it's not. And I've asked why he keeps doing it after I've asked him not to, but his response is always "oh I forgot" 🙄 which makes me crazy
When our little one was younger I was totally cool with listening to whatever while playing, but now that he's starting to figure out words and is babbling with more intention the listening to something else takes away from toddler conversation. And again, it just feels like he's refusing to respect my requests to be more present, and that's what really bothers me
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u/inputplease1 1d ago
It’s getting better over here but still rough…I have 2 legit kids over here. Almost 2 and almost 4. Stopped breastfeeding and I can do more now. I have more free time but before was awful. I do need to get myself out of the house more and he needs to learn to take these kids out of the house himself. Time will help us I’m hoping.
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u/star86 1d ago edited 1d ago
Hugs OP. My husband and I just had a big argument yesterday. We patched things up after releasing lots of pent up anger and resentment. I know it’s more work on your plate, but do you think you could share an i-cloud note with husband on certain things like a diaper bag checklist? Have AI write it out. Also, you may need to start a no phones policy around the little one. Im detaching from my phone during the day, it’s not easy, but it gets easier. These devices are addictive. I have to call my husband out or say a statement like “I would love it if we didn’t have our phones out during this outing”. Point being, communicate. Good luck. You’re not alone!
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u/Altruistic_Soup1346 1d ago
You know what, the basic safety things aside, sometimes our partners just have different standards and styles. Sometimes mine does baby's diaper and it's wonky but it'll still hold the wee/poop. To save your sanity, you'll have to pick your battles I think. But absolutely needs to get a grip with the car seat and choking hazards.
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u/OllieWobbles 1d ago
It sounds like you need a break and he needs a trial by fire. Can you take a weekend (or a week!) away to relax and let him figure it out?
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u/The11Pirates 23h ago
sometimes it takes awhile for it to click as a parent especially for males. we are wired differently so to you small things might seem huge (like apple chunks which could lead to choking) but to him its a snack. itll get better. id say to not judge him by your standard of what a parent is and realize youre both learning as you go.
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u/desertstar714 22h ago
Couples therapy really helped us and me. Another thing that helped was letting things fail. I world ask my husband to do something and make him deal with the consequences. Didn't pack the diaper bag? Then I guess we are gonna be late to your mom's house. Ask you to watch the baby and now they have gone into your office to stand on your guitar? Damn bro * continues to eat nachos*. I would intervene when I thought it was a safety issue but I let go to everything else.
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u/DrLeoMarvins 1d ago
I feel like you took every word out of my mouth , only difference is we have 10 years together before kids ! Sending good vibes to you 😫
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u/queen_goerge 1d ago
Has he been checked for ADHD? Stuck to phone, listening to podcasts, forgetfulness and inattention can be typical. And it can be revealed in a high performancer after a intense change such as becoming a parent.
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u/eggsperimentalist 1d ago
This is a tough season, but you will make it through together. I'm convinced of this because of your description of your good relationship before becoming parents, and I firmly believe that a baby won't ruin a good marriage (and a baby won't fix a bad marriage!).
You're on the same team. You need to figure out how to support your teammate on the important (i.e. safety) things, and let the little things go. Like the podcast thing, if he's safely supervising your little one and hopefully interacting with them, let that one go.
I remember feeling this way, but it's a distant memory now. Second recommendation for How to Not Hate Your Husband After Kids. I don't remember it being life changing, but it helped me.
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
Thank you for the reassurance 🙏🏻
You're right that I can let the little things go, it just feels sometimes like it's one thing after another and he can't respect my requests.
And thank you for the book recommendation, I'll definitely check it out!
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u/ScarlettOHara1939 17h ago
Hear me out, stop having sex with him. It’s the fastest and easiest way to get him to do shit right. Say you don’t want to have sex with him when he acts incompetent. Teach him to do it right once and when he does it then you have sex with him. It works every time.
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u/fullcirclex 9h ago
I can understand the frustration. My husband is a SAHD and he doesn’t do things the same way I do. It took us both some time to figure things out, but none of it was a safety concern. I’m not sure how I’d handle it if it was a safety issue and he totally disregarded it. I’m sorry you’re in this situation. I asked my husband for his perspective and he found the whole thing really bizarre too, unless your husband perhaps thinks your baby is capable of having those types of snacks. Maybe the pediatrician could weigh in and provide guidance he’d take to heart? Or his mom? A guy friend who is a dad?
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u/Send_Help_00 1d ago
I am going through the same thing right now, well for a while. My son is nearly three. It is hard, but I've been told it gets better, I'm just not in a position to leave, not that I want to, but I wish I wasn't having these thoughts.
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u/Longjumping-While997 21h ago
Tbh let him fail and pick up the pieces as long as it’s not life threatening of course. Diaper on backwards… he gets to do the next change.
Maybe look into I think it’s called “the brick” to help with phone usage.
But yes he shouldn’t be dependent on you carrying the mental load but if you keep saving him he won’t be motivated to do better
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 18h ago
I love how this is all on the wife lol. She also mentioned choking hazards so these careless mistakes can be life threatening.
People love to give the “let them fail” advice but with kids this young, most things are life and death.
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u/Longjumping-While997 18h ago
How’s your reading comprehension? I explicitly said you can let him fail unless it’s life/death. Most ppl are not going to suddenly change how they approach life unless forced. If they are saved from every mistake they’ll continue as they always do. So yes unfortunately it’s on the wife to take the step back and let him fail.
My husband is a very competent and involved dad and while I wouldn’t label him as careless he was less aware about the proper sizes to cut food and was a little too comfortable (imo) with some of the sizes so I stepped in.
However if he was taking one of our kids for a walk maybe he’d think 1 diaper was enough… I’m going to let him do that and you know what if it isn’t he’s a grown man who knows how to find his way home to get another. But I’m not going to triple check a diaper bag. And shocker he’s become great at packing the kids bags over the years and does all their meal prep now.
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 18h ago
I mean how’s yours? She explicitly stated there are choking concerns and that the dad is on his phone instead of watching the kid. Those are serious safety concerns. I’m just thinking you didn’t read her post
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u/Longjumping-While997 18h ago
What part of step in (directed at mom) when there is a safety concern aren’t you getting? No one is saying observe your child eating unsafe food and do nothing. And yeah if dad can’t be trusted then again sorry mom but you need to be there to monitor. And have some serious talks with DH
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u/sweetpotatoroll_ 18h ago
Oh not to mention the car seat situation. Your response just doesn’t match the tone of the post. Most of the things listed are serious safety concerns. Your reply minimized the whole situation and put it back on her when this is HIS problem.
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u/Longjumping-While997 18h ago
Mmm same thing applies. Can’t strap your kid into a car seat correctly, then you don’t do it and the person who can does. He loses the ability to go anywhere with his kid solo. Again sucks for mom no doubt and again a serious conversation needs to be had and he can practice on a doll till kingdom come.
My kids grandparents are not great and installing the car seats so guess what the kids don’t go anywhere with them unless we double check it
Op can list 100 things DH sucks at… common sense would suggest a persons POV would cover most of the points without needing to address each one. 🤔. Didn’t know you required a copy and paste
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u/amberjane320 1d ago
Divorce
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u/themominthemoon 1d ago
I'm not interested in giving up. I fully understand that new parenthood comes with relationship struggles, and I'm posting here to feel like I'm not alone in the struggles I'm experiencing and for support on moving forward as a family.
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u/foreverforward5 1d ago
Hugs, Op. find that book “how to not hate your husband after having kids”