r/Mommit • u/gentleheart05 • 6h ago
Parental preference wasn’t a phase
My daughter is approaching her 4th birthday in a couple of weeks, and she still favours her father. Since she was somewhere between 18 months and 2 years old, she has had a parental preference for him. I did the googling, the research here on Reddit, and most of the time “it’s a phase, it’ll pass.” Well, here we are years later, and it’s still going strong. It’s not only annoying (today she went crazy because the man went for a gd shower), but it really hurts me. I KNOW I’m not supposed to take it personal, and I know it isn’t personal (supposedly). But damn I’d be lying if i said it doesn’t hurt. She wants him for EVERYTHING - right down to going to the bathroom (for help wiping #2) and brushing her teeth. She wants to sit by him, not me. She excludes me from things, like “me, Baba, and [baby sister].” It honestly makes me feel like shit and like I should just disappear because I’m not wanted here anyway.
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u/madelynashton 5h ago
I would tell her that she’s being hurtful, she’s old enough to understand. Listing out her family and purposely excluding you is hurtful, and you can teach her that she shouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t like it if it was done to her. And not just you, your husband should be correcting that as well.
I can’t why she prefers your husband, their personalities could align more, she may like the attention she gets from voicing her preference, he may be the “fun” parent or alternately the more nurturing/childcare task parent, etc. There are so many reasons. But you can still teach her that having the preference is one thing, being hurtful and voicing it isn’t okay.
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u/assumingnormality 5h ago edited 4h ago
Oh hey there, you are me. And to validate you, yes, it does hurt my feelings too.
I believe my kid's preference stems from a couple things - I was with him 24/7 as a baby and then WFH so from his standpoint, I'm always accessible; kid is a creature of routine so if dad does it once, only dad can do it; dad did daycare dropoffs because I didn't think I could handle it and it made him cling to dad more because of separation anxiety.
Are you ever away from your daughter? My kid hates that dad has to go to work and has this whole goodbye routine and rushes to the door when he returns home. Well, I started a new job that is still remote but with a in-person meeting once a year. I was getting packed up that morning to go and kid had a meltdown...started talking about how mama needs to stay at home, how I'm never going to come back, etc...and I had to explain that I was simply going down the street (pretty much) and that I would be back by bedtime. And yes, I got the full jubilant greeting when I got home. I assure you that if you simply disappeared, your daughter would feel it keenly and that you are more wanted than you know.
Another thing that helps me is to remember all the specific games and stories and routines that we have between us - my kid invites me to play "squishing game" and "Pig doesn't listen" and these are not games dad knows how to play. Kid has also deemed dad an unreliable authority in the kitchen so he will take it upon himself to check with me about seeds in grapes, can he have another banana, is popcorn a breakfast food, etc. I'm also requested to tell stories and am keeper of the schedule. I bet you play a very specific role in your daughter's life and that role is not replaceable by her baba.
My husband had read that to strengthen bond, one thing you could do is to take your daughter out for a fun activity, while leaving dad at home. I think that's worth trying too.
Edited to add: it's really common for little kids to draw pictures of their family and NOT INCLUDE MOM, because mom is a given. I'm guessing that may be why your daughter says "me, baba, and baby sister". You are implicitly in the list.
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u/babykittiesyay 5h ago
What’s the age gap? Did she start preferring him when you were pregnant or nursing?
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u/gentleheart05 5h ago
I wish it was that simple. This started long before baby sister was even thought of. She’s only nine months old.
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u/babykittiesyay 5h ago
I’m sorry, that’s complicated.
Ultimately it sounds like what you and her need are things to connect over. Is there anything she’d like that could be special to you and her? Like you could start a mommy and me class (or each parent could do a class with her, like you and her could sign up for yoga and your husband and her could do swimming or whatever). Does your library do events? Or maybe there’s a science museum or zoo and your thing could be a weekly outing there? I think if you give her more positive chances to connect she will. This won’t change her preference for any current tasks, probably, but as new tasks arise she may start wanting you to do them.
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u/gentleheart05 5h ago
She was home with me full time until she turned three. I’ve been a stay at home mom since she was born. So we certainly had plenty of time to connect, and even now that she goes to daycare, I am still the one who takes her to the library, to recreation programs, the park, etc. (not that her dad doesn’t, it just usually ends up being me). I do painting with her, or at least I set it up for her if I’m not painting too. I’m like the overseer of her activities. Idk. You’re right. It’s complicated. There probably isn’t a straight answer as to why. It just hurts.
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u/assumingnormality 5h ago
OP, I'm guessing the answer is right here :)
There's no need to prefer you because you are always available. Dad is a novelty because he is not.
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u/babykittiesyay 5h ago
The “overseer” vs “participant” thing could be a factor. Aside from that, kids have preferences and it doesn’t sound like you’re doing anything “wrong”. It could just be their personalities gel.
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u/Mundane_Duty3439 4h ago
How much time does she spend with dad, vs. how much time does she spend with you? Kids tend to prefer the adults who they see less often because it feels like it's more special. Whenever grandma is around, my daughter acts like she hates me and her dad.
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u/Pokeitwitarustystick 6h ago
She’s only 4, it’s still very much a phase, it’s only been going on for less than 2 years
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u/fizzywaterandrage 3h ago
The rule in our house is simple - you have the right to your feelings always, but you can’t be mean and we (the parents) make the decisions on who does what.
We honestly can’t even enforce the don’t be mean thing but we can endorse the fact that our toddler is not the supreme ruler of our house 🤣she does not get to decide who brushes her teeth, wipes her, changes her, puts her in the car seat etc between us.
UNITED FRONT!
I would highly suggest going this route. The tantrums will lessen, the reactions will be less extreme but even when they do kick off - the fact of the matter is every tantrum where yall hold the line is showing them that kicking a fit is not going to get you/husband to switch or bend to their preferences. “Im sorry I know you want daddy to do your teeth, but Im doing them. Do you want to pick a toothpaste? You choose or mommy picks” screech “ok then, mommy will choose and brush your teeth”
We give toddlers as many choice as we can! Being a kid is hard! Which pajamas, which bowl, which book… but somethings are not up to her to decide and we found since no longer bending to the “No, NOT YOU!” - the parental preference stuff just matters a whole lot less.
We got the advice from our daycare teacher and she was absolutely correct… most of my daughter’s issue was not just some preference which is natural but the meat of it was testing boundaries/control. The minute we stopped bending to the power struggle, the worst of the preference behavior stopped.
She’s gotten older and I sometimes do hear that she wants dad to do bedtime and he hears that she wants me to do the car seat but those are now feeling expressed and she’s older and able to understand feelings/disappointment a bit more and not just screech demand for change because she knows that those demands are not going to be met with the other parent coming to the “rescue”.
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u/stellablue925 2h ago
If it helps, the other side has its cons. My kid wanted me and only me from birth til about 2. I couldn’t even leave the room to tinkle without him losing his damn mind. He’d stand at the baby gate screaming until he could see me again. I couldn’t sleep, shower, eat, or live without him attached to me. I wouldn’t trade it but it was exhausting.
It’ll get better. Sending mom hugs.
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u/lilchocochip 5h ago
I’ll tell you the same thing I’d say if you were a man! It is a phase, but your spouse needs to get on board with making sure your daughter bonds with you too. That means letting her scream and cry and let mama do it instead while he walks away. He needs to help her learn to trust you and eventually other grown ups. Because when she starts school obviously she can’t bring dad along. My kid only wanted me until my divorce forced my ex to spend time with him one-on-one. It helped significantly.