Will I be forgiven?

[u/whatsgoingonman1]

Assalamu Alaykum,

I was born Muslim, I am 21 years old. I went through struggles in believing in Islam my entire childhood and teenage years, i ended up marrying a narcissistic abusive man at 18 years old. He acted religious but was not. After that, my iman was extremely low, and I went down a bad path, the shaytan did take me. I can see that clearly now, but at the time I didn’t realise how far I had gone. I believed in superstitions, I was obsessed with astrology, new age spirituality, and I believed in magic. I realise now, that I left the fold of Islam and totally forgot about Allah. I was following harmful people online, who were practicing magic, and at the time I did not see the harm in it. I did practise magic for a while. I did not do any magic with the intent of harm. I would do ‘protection’ magic. My family was no good influence on me either, as my mum is a revert and I would say has also left the fold of Islam, with the things she believes in. One day, somebody wronged me and hurt me really badly, and I was the angriest I have ever felt in my life, I did magic on this person intending harm. I did not think of it as bad until recently, I recently felt my heart open by the will of Allah, and I have felt his mercy suphanallah, alhumdullilah. My eyes have opened to the truth, and my faith feels so strong. But now, I am realising my actions, and I am actually horrified at myself, I just pray to Allah to take away any harm I have caused to myself and others. I try to reassure myself, that Allah has the greatest power over my intentions of harming that person. But I really don’t know how I could be forgiven. And I know that shirk is also a major sin which cannot be forgiven. I am doing my best now as a Muslim in my actions and intentions, and I am so so grateful to have been guided to the truth and I feel Allah has saved me from continuing down that path. But I am so so so SO scared, that Allah will not/has not forgiven me. I feel my sins are so great, compared to people around me. I often feel suicidal. I feel I am scared I will ever be swayed again, although I feel very stable and solid in my faith and path alhumdullilah, I have someone who plans on marrying me inshallah, and he is strong in his deen and character thanks to Allah. I feel I don’t deserve to marry a person like this. My sins are weighing on me heavy. And I have tiny hope that Allah can forgive me, but I also feel silly thinking that Allah could forgive such things as I know how bad they are. I truly feel my sins are the greatest on earth.

[u/YoursTruly_01]

"Will I be forgiven?" As long as your alive, truly remorseful, and make sincere tawbah—remember Allah is the most merciful.

[u/WarComprehensive1116 → u/YoursTruly_01]

I was going to say exactly this, then I saw your comment. We should never lose hope in Allah’s mercy. No matter how great our sins are, Allah’s mercy is greater. May Allah guide us all, forgive us, and keep our hearts firm upon His deen. Ameen.

[u/whatsgoingonman1 → u/WarComprehensive1116]

Ameen. I just don’t know if repenting, and moving on is enough. I feel like how am I supposed to move on from such big sins yk? Sometimes I do forget what I have done, and I feel like I should rememeber.

[u/WarComprehensive1116 → u/whatsgoingonman1]

I understand what you mean. I think remembering our past sins can be good if it keeps us humble and makes us turn back to Allah, but we shouldn’t let them become a reason to lose hope or stop doing good.

There is an ayah I really like that says “Do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins.” (Qur’an 39:53).

So just Keep making sincere tawbah, ask Allah for forgiveness, and keep doing good deeds. What happened in the past is not a reason to keep living in the past or to think you’re beyond forgiveness. Have hope in Allah’s mercy and keep moving towards Him. InshaAllah, Allah will put your heart at ease, accept your repentance, forgive your sins and grant you Jannah. Ameen

[u/Jumpy_Finance_9855]

Sister don’t put so much pressure on yourself, don’t you think that if Allah brought you back to Islam and make you feel connected again that it was by His will and that maybe inshallah that man that you met to get married could be that too? Try to see it from the positive side sister, yes you’ve done bad things and inshallah you will be forgiven (do lots of dua’s, …) maybe even tell that person what you did and go with her/him to undo what you did, if what you did even worked. From there on you can start rebuilding yourself and move forward, you’re on the right path again sister don’t feel bad or auto-sabotage yourself please 🙏
You deserve to be loved and to live a good life too, don’t torture yourself like this everything will be alright inshallah. I wish you loads of happiness inshallah you get married to the man of your dreams and that he is good to you and that your imaan grows stronger than ever and inshallah you go to Jannat Al-Firdaws😁

[u/whatsgoingonman1 → u/Jumpy_Finance_9855]

Ameen, thank you so much. Alhumdullilah I feel hopeful today. I have so much I want to work toward in my faith and my life. May Allah reward you, thank you for your message.

[u/programmer66333x]

The fact that you’re still alive and still able to repent is a mercy itself. You’ve been given the chance to repent, turn back to Allah, and become a better Muslim which is proof it’s not over for you yet

[u/whatsgoingonman1 → u/programmer66333x]

Jazakallahu khair for your words.