Soo this going to be a little rant of mine and any advice is greatly appreciated!
It has been 2 years since I graduated from my study. I have never been a great student, but I guess I got the right questions on my exams since I managed to graduate with highest distinction and 3rd of my class. This was the first time I actually excelled in anything.
My supervisor was then quite quick with suggesting aiming for a PhD (field of political sciences, Europe), and since the only thing I had was this degree, I needed some “cv building” (I did not visit any other uni than my own, did nothing relevant extracurricular). So, the next year I combined a new study with doing some assistant work at the faculty to pursue exactly that, this resulted in a peer reviewed article.
So this year I finally applied for PhD funding. And I got through. In about a week, I will defend this application to let them decide if I get the funding or not. 15 professors flown in from over the whole world will ask me questions on why my proposal, and why me.
Now comes the tricky part. I actually don’t know why me. It’s not a lack of self confidence, but just the feeling that I am not capable of doing something like this. Not in the way of finishing a PhD, but in a way of not being your typical “scholar”: I dont behave like them and am a very laid back and messy person. Moreover, as an assistant of the faculty, my commisarry for my masters thesis told me he had to give my thesis an 18, since my supervisor pushed upon it. This is a bit a story in the last years, I love my supervisor and he is doing a lot of work to give me my PhD funding, but in the whole past anything I have done, seems to be done by him. The PhD proposal is written by him, the article is written by him.
Now I have to face 15 professors alone to tell them why I need to do it, and I genuinely dont know. I would love to do a PhD, my proposal is very interesting, and I know I could do it. But this whole ordeal is frying me. I also applied for a PhD/teaching assistant at the faculty, and I would actually rather get that. It feels much more down to earth, much more natural. It feels right to me. But in a world where funding is very scarce, it cannot just throw another chance of funding away just because of my doubts and because I’m scared.
I love my supervisor, I genuinely do, he is fantastic. But for now, I just fear that he made something of me that I am just simply not: an academic monster. Im just someone that can work hard, can work good and is very motivated. But given the difficulty in how to get funding, it just feels like its not enough.
Dear subreddit, I wouldnt know what you would answer to this, but please do so, I need some advice in how to manage this situation. Moreover, talking to 15 professors is in a week. If you have any tips on how to deal with that, please do so!!
Thank you all!