hey, i wanted to share a recent experience i had.
i‘ve been struggling with rocd probably longer than i‘ve realized and been in therapy for about two years because of that. i‘ve been in this sub ever since i‘ve got in a relationship and used it for reassurance and have seen those posts where people posted about their engagement or marriage and for me, that always meant that things are gonna get better and i will be healed.
about 1 1/2 months ago i broke up with my boyfriend.
funny thing is, for me breaking up was the healing.
my boyfriend is the sweetest man alive yet our relationship always felt more like a friendship than a relationship. before we started dating we were actually really close friends, i stopped getting attracted to him because he wouldn‘t put effort in our relationship anymore. and like i said, it felt we‘cd become rather best friends than partners. and for the first time in my life, i felt at peace with breaking up. i felt like it was the right decision and i could listen to my gut and not think „oh this has to be my ocd telling me to break up“. at first i always thought it was me getting into another spiral. and not gonna lie, this has definitely been going on for a time, but this time it was different; i knew that i fell out of love with him but it didn‘t sent me into panic. i didn’t need to check this sub for me to find strength in staying in this relationship. i knew in my heart that it was the right decision and of course it was sad, but we both felt like we worked better as friends than partners.
i feel like breaking up (NOT as a compulsion) counts just as much as progress than getting married. after all recovering from ocd means that you can chose your life however you want to live it, without getting any kind of worry or distress in your way.
maybe i will regret it, maybe i won‘t. but i’m okay with feeling both. for now, i feel at peace.
just wanted to share it with you guys<3

I don’t know if this is an OCD thing specifically, but I’m curious if anyone with ROCD experiences something similar.
When something happens in my current relationship that reminds me of something emotionally similar from a past relationship, my brain reacts as if the present experience has somehow become “contaminated” by the past.

For example, I recently found some cute coupons my boyfriend made for me a while ago. They’re genuinely sweet and make me feel loved. But they also reminded me of similar handmade gestures from an ex. Not because I want my ex back or because I think the relationships are the same — it’s more that both gestures have a similar kind of endearing awkwardness that evokes the same feeling of tenderness.

And suddenly my brain goes: “Now this memory is contaminated. You can’t enjoy this because it reminds you of your ex. Your feelings toward your boyfriend aren’t pure anymore.”

It feels almost like contamination OCD, except instead of being afraid of physical germs, I’m afraid that memories, emotions, associations, or experiences from the past will somehow “infect” my current relationship.

First of all sorry for my bad English (it’s not my first language)

About 3 years ago I was on a trip with my friends. At this time I was with my bf for 3 months (we’re now in 3,5 year relationship). I remember having one drink and I don’t think I drank more. But my ocd is driving me crazy. My ex was there and I remember avoiding him and when he was around I texted my bf immediately. But 3 years later my OCD tells me I drank more, blacked out and cheated on my bf. I don’t remember doing it but I have this question in my mind all the time: „what if?”. This is really driving me crazy because I love my boyfriend the most.
I’m also triggered about the situation when we were in pool and my ex and his friends came. I don’t even think I spoke to him but this is all really scary.
Do you think I would remember that?
I also have this scary „memory” of laying with my ex in his bed. All of this started today and for 3 years I didn’t had a single thought about that. I don’t know what’s happening.

I’m totally freaking out. I read on here that someone was actually dating a covert narcissist and now I’m scared what if that’s my partner or what if he’s bad or what if all this other stuff.

It’s like my worries just kept transforming from “is he emotionally unavailable,” to “are my emotional needs being met,” to what if he’s horrible, or what if this won’t work. Then I read someone saying their partner was a covert narcissist and other people saying their partner was horrible.

I know my boyfriend isn’t horrible, he’s only human and has his off moments. His way of comforting is very different to mine and he’s very new to this especially because I’m a very emotional person with big emotions. I hate nitpicking him because I don’t want to make him this perfect guy, I think he’s perfect enough for me.

Sometimes through text, his tone feels off, and I can’t help but wonder “is he annoyed?” Or when he says something “was that an insult, was he being mean-spirited?” Then comes the thoughts of “he’s being mean on purpose, he hates you, he’s horrible,” and I feel so sad, but then we have our moments of sweetness and tenderness.

I hate that it feels like my mind is villainizing him. He’s not a villain, and I’m worried, and totally freaking out. I need support, and no I don’t need anyone in the replies telling me to breakup because that’s the last thing I want.

It feels like such an insult to his character to have these thoughts

It was something I panicked over for so long, I told him about it probably around several months ago. I worry that what if he forgot and he should hear about it again? What if I need to give more details? Idk.

It was something I worried could’ve been cheating, lots of people online would say it is, or that it’s weird, or disrespectful. I’d never want to cheat on him. When I had told him, he was surprisingly chill and it wasn’t as big of a deal, I guess. I still feel guilty anyways.

I can’t move past the way I feel like a cheater, though. I came across a TikTok that mentioned the thing I did and got paranoid all over again

​

I'm a 28M and I'm struggling badly with retroactive jealousy. I genuinely need some perspective from men who have experienced something similar.

I'm currently in what is probably the most loving and healthy relationship I've ever had. I genuinely see this woman as someone I could marry and build my life with. That's what makes this so confusing and painful.

Before I met her, I always had this idea that I wanted a woman with a relatively simple romantic past. Not necessarily a virgin, but someone who hadn't had many random romantic experiences, dates, hookups, etc. I wanted us to discover a lot of romantic things together and create memories that felt very "ours."

I've had my own past too. My first relationship wasn't like this, and in my second relationship the girl had a much higher sexual history than me. I also experienced similar things with other girlfriends. Looking back, I think I developed this idea that I would never really get the kind of "new" romantic relationship I wanted.

With my current girlfriend, her past initially didn't bother me nearly as much.

I knew about her previous relationships. She told me she had an active sex life in some of those relationships. From what I know, she had 3 sexual partners and there were also 2 guys she went on dates with where they kissed/made out.

Strangely, the exes don't bother me nearly as much.

I can understand those as actual relationships with a context.

The thing that is destroying me is the dating period after one of her relationships.

Before we became a couple, we had actually known each other years earlier. We had been Facebook friends and talked a little. Then we lost contact and eventually blocked each other.

Years later we reconnected.

When we started talking again, she was talking to another guy. According to her, they were basically in a chatting/dating phase and had met around three times. She eventually ended that because he wasn't giving her the kind of relationship she wanted.

Then somehow she and I became extremely close.

We didn't even have a clear moment where we said, "Now we're dating." We gradually became emotionally attached, possessive, jealous and romantic with each other.

And I fell extremely deeply in love with her.

That's when everything changed.

The same information about her past that I could initially accept suddenly started hurting me badly.

Especially one particular guy she went on a date with and made out with.

Recently I realized that a birthday picture of hers had been used as her Snapchat, Facebook and Instagram profile picture, and that picture was actually taken during that dating period.

That completely triggered me.

My brain started thinking:

"That guy took her birthday picture."

"She liked it enough to use it everywhere."

"Was that date special to her?"

"Did they spend the whole day together doing romantic things?"

"How did she behave with him?"

"Did she really like him?"

"Was she affectionate?"

"Did she give him the same effort and attention she gives me?"

"How many other dates were there?"

"Are some of the flowers and pictures I see from other dates?"

And then my brain starts creating an entire movie that I wasn't even there to see.

Another part that bothers me is her social and messaging history.

I sometimes get stuck wondering who she used to talk to on Facebook Messenger, how she talked to them, whether she flirted, whether there were deep or romantic conversations, who she gave attention to, and whether some of those guys were people she had met or dated.

She has also used Snapchat, and because of how I perceive Snapchat culture, my brain automatically starts creating scenarios about what could have happened there. She has told me that she mainly used it in a certain way with her exes and not with other guys, but my brain still wants to know exactly how she interacted with people before me.

Even things like having male Facebook friends, talking to celebrities or guys who flirted with her can trigger me.

I start thinking:

"If she was so selective, why did she give this person enough space to talk to her?"

Then I want to know what their conversations were like, whether she enjoyed the attention, whether she flirted back, and whether there were other people I don't know about.

I also realize that I sometimes make this worse myself.

During intimate moments with her, I've asked questions about her exes and compared what we're doing with what she did with them.

Things like whether she had experienced the same things with them, whether they did similar romantic or intimate things, whether something we do was something she had already done before, or whether her previous relationships involved more or different kinds of intimacy.

At the time I feel like I'm trying to understand whether what we have is special.

But afterward I usually feel worse.

Then my brain starts imagining those situations and comparing myself with people I wasn't even there with.

So I can see that I'm not only being triggered by information she gives me. Sometimes I'm actively looking for information that I already know will hurt me.

That's probably one of the biggest things I need to change.

I realize this is probably where my RJ becomes more than just jealousy about sexual history.

I want to know the entire social, romantic and emotional context of who she was before me.

I want to know how she talked, how she behaved, who she gave attention to, who she went out with, what those connections meant, what she experienced intimately and how those experiences compare to mine.

And I know that even if I got those answers, my brain would probably find another question.

That's the part I can't control.

It's not simply:

"She kissed another guy."

It's more like:

"Another man experienced a romantic and intimate side of her that I desperately wanted to experience as something uniquely ours."

I think that's why this hurts much more now than it did when I first heard about it.

I've fallen so deeply for her that now I look at our memories differently.

When I give her flowers, it feels incredibly special to me.

When we take pictures together, it feels special.

When we go somewhere romantic, it feels special.

When we're intimate, it feels special.

So when I discover that she had similar romantic experiences before me, my brain says:

"Then what makes mine special?"

I know logically that's not necessarily true.

But emotionally I don't feel it that way.

I also struggle with the fact that I see her now as very strong, selective and tough, so it's hard for my brain to reconcile that version of her with knowing she casually dated and made out with someone.

I know she was single.

I know she didn't cheat on me.

I know she technically did nothing wrong.

I know I have my own past.

I know I'm being hypocritical sometimes.

But emotionally, I'm still struggling.

I've asked questions before and sometimes I feel better temporarily, but then another question appears.

Eventually she became frustrated and told me she doesn't want to answer questions about her past anymore.

We've argued about it, and she basically told me she deserves someone who wouldn't be bothered by these things.

That hurt me because I don't want to lose her.

I don't want to control her.

I don't want to shame her.

I don't think she's a bad person.

I don't think she's "dirty."

I genuinely love her.

But I'm exhausted.

Sometimes I can't eat properly.

Sometimes I can't concentrate on work.

Sometimes I can't enjoy the relationship because I'm mentally somewhere in her past trying to reconstruct a date I wasn't even part of.

And sometimes it gets so bad that I think:

"Maybe I don't love her anymore."

Then when I'm calmer, I realize I actually love her enormously and don't want to lose what we have.

I'm also scared about marriage.

What if I marry her and five years later I see another woman who had no dating history, no previous romantic experiences, etc., and suddenly I start thinking I chose wrong?

What if I always regret not having the kind of relationship I imagined?

At the same time, I know I could potentially marry someone with a much smaller past and still develop jealousy about something else.

That's what scares me.

Maybe I'm not actually looking for information.

Maybe I'm looking for certainty.

Maybe I'm trying to prove that I'm special.

Maybe I'm trying to make sure nobody before me experienced anything that I wanted to experience with her.

Maybe I'm trying to make sure that what we have is somehow objectively different from everything before me.

I don't know.

Men who have gone through something similar, especially men who eventually recovered:

Did you ever reach a point where you genuinely loved your partner despite knowing about her past and could finally stop comparing yourself to previous men?

How did you deal with the "I wanted those memories to be ours" feeling?

How did you stop caring about old pictures, dates, places, flowers, social media, messages and romantic experiences?

How did you stop wanting to know exactly how she behaved with previous men?

How did you deal with asking your partner questions during intimacy and then getting trapped in comparisons afterward?

And most importantly, how did you know whether it was genuine incompatibility with your partner's past versus RJ/anxiety that you needed to work through?

I don't want to keep interrogating her.

I don't want to keep investigating her past.

I don't want to keep asking intimate comparison questions that only make me feel worse.

I don't want to lose someone I genuinely love because my brain can't stop trying to solve something that happened before I existed in her life.

I want to fix myself.

i never have had a fully peaceful day where i didn't overthink about my relationship. one day im convinced he's not good enough for me, next day im convinced im the one who doesn't deserve him, some other day i believe i should change myself to marry him etc etc. im
not even mentioning how i question if soulmates exist and if he's the one. oh and of course the retroactive jealousy i have is another thing.
how can i just stay in the moment and stop analyzing every detail and just let things flow naturally??? i want to enjoy being loved and being in love without hurting myself.

My boyfriend (26, male) found out he has OCD (they told him ADHD before) about 2 years ago , he often struggles with his health anxiety and his brain is constantly thinking’s death , he spends his day thinking how every action will result in his death so when his mental health gets worse he struggles to sleep (because he thinks he won’t wake up) and train his sport (BJJ and martial arts are a massive part of his life and basically his job) and i feel absolutely useless.

I can see he’s exhausted on those really bad days and he’s really struggling and I never know what to say that would be right as I have said some things in the past that just made things worse.

If anyone is also struggling similarly or know anyone that is , do you have any advice for me to support him ?

Thank you <3

I’m not talking about “i have a worry my partner is cheating because he didnt kiss me this morning” or “i just feel it”

What do we do when presented with actual shady behavior and classic signs they may be cheating.

I do not have 100% proof and my therapist and i have kept saying “this is unresolved so far” because we just dont know which is true. Ive been mostly just sitting with it and trying to focus more on what i DO know about the relationship and how it makes me feel.

However, i have a lot of circumstantial evidence.

Others without OCD have agreed my partners behavior and actions dont make sense.

I know I can end the relationship for any reason, even just being unhappy, but i feel like I would like to stick around and find more solid evidence and it would give me closure, how would you handle this?

Edit: I think the reason im asking is because under normal circumstances people say “trust your gut”. “If you already dont trust your partner time to go”

OCD complicates things, but I’m also not a naive person

Perhaps my relationship is over anyway and while im like 90% sure of whats happening I think id feel better getting the confirmation

I’ve been in a ROCD relapse of this category for about a month and a half now. I always am getting feelings of not loving him, thinking he’s annoying, cringy, etc. They make me anxious at the end of the day because I’m worried i’ve got the ick, or that at first i was in love with a version of him and now don’t like the “real” him. Though nothing has really changed since we started dating. OCD used to only focus on him for the first few months of the relationship and then there was this very sudden switch into intrusive urges/feelings/thoughts about my own feelings. I feel really exhausted with this and it all feels real at this point. It occupies my thoughts so much and ruins days. Any advice, resonating, or personal experience would be very appreciated.

This might be a bit longer since I try to get everything off my chest and hopefully out of my mind for a while.

And I hope it makes me understand myself and my mind a bit better. Since I think ROCD is not a coincidence but is caused by trauma / CPTSD which I’m diagnosed with. And now that I’m in a healthy commited marriage it hits me like a truck.

I grew up in a very chaotic household, where my parents used to scream at each other and my dad was a drinker. He loved us dearly but mistreated me and my mum at the same time which messed with my head and caused me (f27) a lot of struggles in life.

Looking back ive always dealed with ocd, but it never impacted my life the way it does now.

I used to have avoidant or abusive boyfriends, so I was constantly attracted and seeking their love and validation. I also used men as a way to compensate my lack of self worth. Seeing men looking at me gave me temporary boosts of dopamine.

2 years ago, I met my now husband online. He lives in another country (looking back that fits my avoidant pattern.)
I texted him cause he looked cute and he turned out to be sweet, caring and a true gentleman. Nothing like my exes. A few months later we met in real life and we were in love head over heels.

A year later we got married. That time I think was the first time I felt a scare and some sort of depression. Spiraling about how the wedding was nothing special (like was that it?), i didnt Look my best and basically hating myself and having a hard time looking at myself in the photos. but I really wanted this life with him and getting married was the most important step in applying for the citizenship.

Since then we are Long distance while waiting for the paperwork to be approved. Moving in with him was always something I looked forward to. He gave me sooo much stability, safety and he was the favourite part about my life.

Here comes the first trigger: Since I met him he gained significant amounts of weight, from stress at work which caused him to stop working out and eating too much sugar. I tried to not let it affect me but it really started to become a huge trigger. He became obese and that caused me to lose some physical attraction towards him, since I was always into the slim or athletic build. (He’s still really handsome and he even told me he wants to start losing weight. But my mind is panicking about it as if it was a threat.)

Now the biggest trigger: when the time got closer for me to move. I started to freak out. I realized how much I’m actually scared to leave my home country and find a job in a foreign country. I struggle with social anxiety so everything job related always is tough for me.

My hubby is really supportive but I hate myself for my toughts and doubts.

Here is my most fear-inducing thinking patterns:

- what if I will never be fully attracted to him again
- what if he’s not tall enough (this forces me to google peoples heights, compare other couples heights to ours and so on. Height never mattered to me but someone mentioned it and since I’m spiraling about it)
- what if I meet someone else and accidentally cheat (which I would never ever ever do!!!!)
- what if I don’t love him enough
- what if he gets tired of me
- what if I become to draining or I’m not good enough for him and he deserves someone better, especially someone who doesn’t see flaws in his appearance
- I‘m overly obsessing about his looks and my mind keeps scanning other men to see if they look better (I‘ve had this issue with my own looks for all my life and it makes me so sad that now it extended to my partner)
- Everytime I see an attractive guy i start panicking and want to cry
- I love his family and I’m scared that they will hate me once they know the „true broken me“

I feel like I’m sitting in a small box that becomes tighter and tighter and is starting to suffocate me the closer the date of moving is coming. The panic is so present that I feel like I can’t breathe and my chest is hurting.

Sometimes I wish plenty women would hit on him or he would give me the cold shoulder treatment, just so that I switch from push to pull.

I want to run away. Sometimes I wonder if there is a better match. But my hubby is the most loving and sweet person ive ever met. He truly deserves the world and he is so good to me. When we look at each other and laugh together and my mind turns quiet for a few moments, thats when I feel so much love and happiness.

I wonder if all of this will pass once the huge commitment of moving to his country is done and I got used to my new life. I don’t want to throw everything away out of fear and later regret it. I feel so so guilty and bad all the damn time.

I will discuss this with my therapist and eventually get back on medication. If I overcome this nightmare I can hopefully post an update/ a success story here.

Thanks for reading

Been dating this girl for 3 months. This is my first ever relationship while she has had a few puppy love.

She comes from a very mentally healthy family and is also very strong minded, no anxiety and what not kind of girl. She is very firm in her decisions and her self ego is very high in a rightful manner if u understand.

Meanwhile, my family has been verbally abusive asf to me since birth and I have never known peace. I still suffer from anxiety, depression and ocd.

End up, both of us got super attracted to each other despite being COMPLETE OPPOSITES. I have absolutely no damn idea but we did. Thereafter, we started to have conflicts mostly from my end for many reasons.

Idk if it’s me being a whiny baby.

She also constantly reassures me that she will learn to love me in the manner that I would want to. But I’m also unfair on the things I get angry for I feel. She constantly feels she’s never good enough for me and that I am the first ever person to make her feel that.

I love her to death for idk what…. Not cuz she is my first but because I just admire her traits so much. I wouldn’t say I wanna be like her but I would love to learn some from her and improve myself. I see us long term but it’s so hard with the ocd thoughts that come asking me to break up.

Hi! I'm not looking for reassurance, just tips on how to deal with this constant issue of mine.

I've had this theme of the fear of betraying my partner for a while. It's more of a fear of breaking a boundary/lying/etc. I get extremely hyperaware when I'm around anyone attractive or just men in general, because I worry that I'm going to act in a certain way that is making me try to look more attractive for them. The thing with this is that when I'm in this hyperaware state (which I can't get out of it just happens) I genuinely cannot act normally and it feels like everything i do is for attention/to look more attractive. A boundary my bf set in our relationship is avoiding trying to get others to be attracted to you, and I am really scared of breaking that boundary.

The reason why this stresses me out as much as it does is because I had this impulse-habit for a very long time where I would impulsively start walking/acting/talking in a way that is "cuter" or just generally more attractive whenever I sense there's a man nearby me. I told my bf about this habit and that I'm trying to fix it and that I immediately stop whenever I realize I'm doing this behavior again.

So, because of this, it's hard to just "remember my values" or "know where my intentions are" because this is unfortunately a habit I've had for years and years due to insecurity and because I always got my confidence through validation. Although I know I don't want to break this boundary, because I have the ability to do so due to this weird impulse habit, I still feel like I can and I just don't know how to get out of that loophole of being so aware of my every move that I can't act normally. It's so difficult to be in public because I can't even walk normally anymore due to a fear that I'm walking in a way that's trying to be more attractive for others. I get so incredibly anxious every time.

It isn't easy for me to just notice I'm being hyperaware and move on because the awareness doesn't go away. It isn't easy for me to just accept "I dont know" whether or not im doing something for attention, because it completely feels like I am since I can't do anything normally when I'm that aware. It's evolved to the point where I feel this awful anxious hyperaware feeling when I'm walking in front of windows in my own house. I can't change in my room anymore no matter how closed the curtains are because I'm afraid people can see me through the cracks, so I only really change in my bathroom where there's no window.

It genuinely makes it so difficult to live every day in this constant state of anxiety and hyperawareness and fear. I hate it so much and I just want to feel normal like a normal person. I envy women I see/know walking around in their relationships because they likely don't have to deal with this.

I really hope this makes sense, and I'm wondering if anyone has dealt with something like this/has any tips for me. I don't have access to an ocd specialist therapist unfortunately :( I've tried therapy with someone who had ocd in her list of things she works with, but she was unhelpful as she basically just told me that it's not a big deal and "as long as you don't cheat it's fine". I just need some advice :(

Hello! I wanna vent abit. Everytime i meet a new guy who's attractive I suddenly wanna ditch my boyfriend and date them the 1st time it happened was last year my then coworker was so attractive I was thinking of breaking up with my boyfriend so I can date him and it turnt out he is in a relationship so I "left" that and I stayed with my bf. Now I met a new guy at my university and we are friends we talk alot and hes exactly my type and I wanna ditch my bf again and date him. My boyfriend is exactly what ive always wanted we have our ups and downs but I can stand his downs and he can stand mine. Maybe he isnt as attractive as the other guy but hes the best partner i ever had and what ive never thought I needed. I grew up with a cheater dad so cheating is the worst for me but at the same time I feel like I can do it. Idk maybe it doesn't make sense. But im tired of it makes me not wanna become friends with guys ever again.

Hello everyone.

I'd like to share my current state on this subreddit. For those who aren't aware of my current condition, I'm currently struggling with ROCD thoughts about my partner having SA'd me and that I'm just in denial about it. They've never done anything explicitly sexual to me, nor have they ever forced themselves onto me... but I'm scared of the idea that they might've and that I just don't perceive it as such (I have a lot of sexual trauma in my past, so I always have a hard time perceiving simple interactions through a sexual vs non-sexual lense).

The other day, I was in such a frightened state that I even talked to a specialist through a sexual assault hotline and told them about my concerns regarding my relationship. They told me that due to my past, it was reasonable for me to get triggered by slight forms of affection, and that I shouldn't feel pressured into labeling something as sexual assault just because my anxiety says so. They basically said that as long as I communicate with my partner about my feelings (which I have done), and feel as though they are respected, I should be ok. I've done everything I can to ensure I am safe with my partner. I would say I do feel respected in my relationship... yet my ocd still tells me I'm somehow in danger and that this relationship HAS to end. I really don't want to break up with my partner. I don't wanna cut them off. I love them with my whole heart and I don't think they've done anything malicious.

I will say, I am glad I reached out to a specialist to get their perspective on the matter. They were very empathetic and helped me look at things through a more nuanced perspective. At least in that moment. I know it might've provided some reassurance, but at least I received advice from someone who specializes in situations like that. I've yet to meet with my new therapist (which will be sometime this week), but I will be speaking to her about my issues more in depth as well.

Does anyone else experience the cheating rumination that spiral into the pulling away and considerations of breaking up?

I already have PTSD from previous relationships and being cheated on (including my 5 year relationship where we were married for 2 years and I found out about a lot of their unfaithfulness), but I'm now facing it in my newest relationship. We just hit a year in July, and I want to say the cheating rumination started to ramp up around then too

She knows of my previous relationship, and I'm trying to explain to her OCD and how I exist with it as it's starting to affect our relationship more, but I want to know if anyone else experiences this

It's started becoming a "she's lying, she could cheat on you, she probably has feelings for her friends and is fucking them behind your back and you need to distance yourself and break up with her before you find out and are devastated again" and its also becoming scenarios like "her friends are telling her how terrible you are as a partner and trying to get her to break up with you" and all of that.

Lately I been thinking about my wedding day and I am scared that as I am walking up aisle, reading my bows, and kissing my husband I will be having intrusive thoughts. I don’t want to be played by these thoughts on one of the most important days of my life! Is anybody on here married? And how did it go on your wedding day? Did it ruin it for you or were you able to overcome it?