r/ReadMyScript • u/Exotic_Cash_142 • 9d ago

TV episode Extremely Mellow - Sitcom Pilot Cold Open (3 pages)

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AwjneAf9AUPR8YvS6LpRPtg2l6d-WWFl/view?usp=sharing

First time writing for TV. Does the cold open work to introduce faded shrink for celebrities?

I want to introduce the problem of both main characters next and then drive them to collab on solution.

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u/mooningyou 9d ago

Does the introduction of the faded shrink for celebrities work? Sure, but I think it's lacking. We see him in his younger days promoting a book on TV, and then we see that he's older, is watching a recording and has outstanding bills. There's not much to it, and I think your cold open should give us more of something.

That aside, there are a number of formatting issues in this.

1) Don't write two consecutive lines of dialogue with nothing between them.

2) Intro the characters who have dialogue.

3) Use slugs every time your location changes.

4) Don't change character names.

5) Don't worry about scene numbers. Just turn them off.

Also, don't inform us who a character is talking to over the phone. Let us work that out via the conversation. And fix your punctuation and grammar.

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u/Exotic_Cash_142 7d ago

Hey! Thank you for the feedback. Yeah, I got a lot to learn in terms of script syntax. So cold open should introduce something more to hook the viewer. Will think about it.

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u/Impressive-Piano-505 9d ago

I really like how you set up the contrast between his past and present selves right away. It makes the faded fame angle land strongly while keeping the tone lighthearted.

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u/ChristianCRWriter 5d ago

So the cold open is excellent. Only a few notes: "Only TV screen" - you don't need "Only" there. Trim. You could describe the TV if you wanted but not needed.

I think you could add a beat showing Dr. Bob doing something that showcases his current state. Drinking beer, looking into the mirror, looking at his overdue mail on the table, something.

Arty's dialogue has a typo: How many hours DO I need?"

Also, this scene works better if the other part is on it/in his room - so Arty doesn't have to deliver a lot of "So you know" lines.

You are missing a scene heading between Arty does the join and goes to the coffee shop.

That's as far as you got me. You lost me there.