r/ReadMyScript • u/Responsible-Ad-6114 • 5d ago

COLLATERAL DAMAGE — Crime / Comedy — 10 Pages

Looking for some constructive feedback on pacing, comedic timing, and character voice for this 10-page opening of a low-stakes crime comedy pilot. Logline: When two paranoid suburban burnouts lose their grandmother's ashes to a local pawn shop, they treat minor neighborhood beefs like a military black-op—while dodging an extortionist bulldog. Read Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1nVHaXMzj-PbsJ8gQ_eniF4id2IEnNIC1/view?usp=sharing (Note: The full 30-page pilot script and series bible are also available upon request for anyone interested in a deeper read.)

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u/mooningyou 4d ago

Some notes.

- "The metal security gate is still halfway up." The word "still" implies that we saw it halfway up previously, but we didn't.

- Check your grammar "a bulky, ill-fitting masks."

- "without breaking his deadpan stare." But he wasn't described as having one previously.

- "a loud, ringing thud." I'm not sure these two descriptions go together. Ringing implies a light, high-pitched sound, whereas a thud implies a low, dull sound. I know this is a bit of a picky note, but it stands out to me.

- "Eddie towering over Junior like a wet umbrella next to a fire hydrant." I'm not sure if that metaphor works.

- We see Eddie and Junior enter the pawn shop at the end of the first scene, but we don't see them enter the pawn shop at the start of the second scene. This means there is a time delay between those scenes, which also means the second scene is not a continuous scene.

- You don't need a colon after the character names for their dialogue. I suggest removing them.

- Page 6. You can't follow a FADE OUT transition with a CONTINUOUS slug.

This is all I have for you.

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u/Responsible-Ad-6114 4d ago

MR. HENDERSON: Son, your shoulders are practically touching your ears, your posture looks like a question mark, and your safety is still flipped on.

EDDIE: That's called trigger discipline, you old buzzard! Shows what you know about tactical entry! We're professionals!

MR. HENDERSON: There's a whole ecosystem of rust growing down the barrel, Eddie.