I am looking for all ways one can use to become more self-compassionate and self-loving of themselves. I would appreciate for all your responses and advice.

i think i have a very general thought process or i think i should say that i think of generalised public while putting my points in arguments, maybe that's boring but idk how to work on it, core values? do they really matter? idts, i don't know my core values, I just know ki I'm doing good, but in this world, do people like me considered as 'instagram influenced'?

don't know man, i just want to say that having a general viewpoint doesn't mean you're useless, i don't know whether I'm or not, but what are my core values? what is it? and how they shape me? that's the main question? and what if i don't like them?

Yesterday I went on my first ever proper date with a guy. We had been texting on and off for 8 months, but then decided recently to met for mini golf, arcade games, and duck feeding. It all went well, besides my low self esteem. The whole time I had this paranoia that people were watching me. I kept on thinking people were watching and judging us. Our aesthetics don’t match and we are different races, so I felt like people might think it’s odd. I also felt I wasn’t pretty enough to be out with a guy on a date, and I felt I was a boring person. On the date I mentally disappeared many times, just for a couple seconds, and then I’d come back to reality. As a result I missed a lot what he said on the date and had an issue listening to him. I had to ask him to repeat himself a lot, and it made me feel bad. After and during the date I kept on apologizing for my behavior. He kept on reassuring me that he liked me for me, he thought I was pretty, he didn’t think I was boring, and that I shouldn’t worry about all the details. It made me realize how insecure I am, and how much I don’t like myself.

With that I’m not sure why I assume people don’t like me. There is a part of me that thinks anyone who is not my immediate family dislikes me. But why is that? And how can I stop myself from being insecure and unhappy? I don’t want these feelings to continue to hurt my relationships platonically and romantically.

Side note: I am living in a college dorm right now, and all the noises from people around me are stressing me out. Walking noises, tv noises, people talking, people shifting, coughing etc. I’m feeling overwhelmed from not only the experience I had yesterday, but the added noise around me that are amplifying it :(

I understand the advice depressed realist people telling other people that the world caters for beautiful people or people with money but as someone who as being bullied since the 4th grade until the last grade I have understood that the world won't tip toe around you sometimes they walk on you or stomp on you. And you can't say you're ugly people don't love you 🥷you don't even love yourself😂 so improve yourself love yourself be clean smell good stop being a dry sponge that sucking all the world's negativity maybe people just might like you

DON'T BE A DIH HEAD THO 🫶

This is a moment of suffering >>> Brings mindfulness to the fact that you’re in pain
Suffering is part of life >>> Reminds you that imperfection is part of the shared human condition. And that, every other person on the planet also experiences, and you’re certainly not alone in your predicament.
May I be kind to myself in this moment >>> Brings a sense of caring concern to your present experience.
May I give myself the compassion I need >>> Reminds you that you are worthy of receiving compassionate care.

You might want to change these phrases and make the ones that best fit for you. Here are some other possible wordings:

“This is a moment of suffering” = “I’m having a really hard time right now” = “It’s painful for me to feel this now”

“Suffering is part of life” = “Everyone feels this way sometimes” = “This is part of being human”

“May I be kind to myself in this moment” = “May I hold my pain with tenderness” = “May I be gentle and understanding with myself”

“May I give myself the compassion I need” = “I am worthy of receiving self- compassion” = “I will try to be as compassionate as possible”

From Self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff

Edit: font/style

I’m done trying to be palatable.
For a very long time, I thought being a good person meant being easy to be around.
Easy to understand.
Easy to forgive.
Easy to love.
I thought I was supposed to soften my opinions, swallow my feelings, apologize first, give people the benefit of the doubt, and make myself smaller whenever my existence became inconvenient for someone else.
I thought being “too much” was something I needed to fix.
So I tried.
God, did I try.
I became really good at reading rooms.
I could tell when someone was annoyed before they said anything. I could sense when my honesty was making someone uncomfortable. I learned when to shut up, when to laugh something off, when to pretend something didn’t hurt, and when to say, “It’s fine,” even when it absolutely was not.
I became an expert at making other people comfortable.
The problem?
I was miserable.
I used to think being loved meant being easy.
There is a particular kind of conditioning that happens when you spend enough of your life believing that other people’s comfort is your responsibility.
You start questioning yourself constantly.
Was I too sensitive?
Did I overreact?
Should I have said that differently?
Maybe they didn’t mean it that way.
Maybe I should just let it go.
Maybe I’m asking for too much.
And sometimes, sure.
Maybe you could have handled something better.
We’re human. We screw things up.
But there’s a huge difference between taking accountability for your behavior and taking responsibility for everyone else’s feelings.
I don’t want to confuse the two anymore.
If I hurt someone, I’ll apologize.
If I’m wrong, I’ll admit it.
If I make a mistake, I’ll own it.
But I am no longer going to apologize simply because someone didn’t like my boundary.
I’m not going to apologize because I said no.
I’m not going to apologize because I have feelings.
I’m not going to apologize because I noticed something wasn’t healthy for me and decided to walk away.
And I’m definitely not going to apologize for becoming someone who doesn’t tolerate things I once tolerated.
My boundaries aren’t personal attacks.
This is something I have had to learn the hard way.
Sometimes people interpret your boundary as rejection.
You say, “I can’t do that,” and they hear, “I don’t care about you.”
You say, “That isn’t okay with me,” and they hear, “You’re a terrible person.”
You say, “I need some space,” and suddenly you’re selfish.
You stop answering every phone call.
You stop rescuing people from the consequences of their own decisions.
You stop accepting disrespect just because you’ve known someone for ten years.
And suddenly you’re the problem.
I’ve spent enough time trying to convince people that my boundaries aren’t punishments.
They’re not.
They’re instructions for how I am willing to participate in a relationship.
That’s it.
You don’t have to like my boundary.
You don’t even have to agree with it.
But you do have to respect it if you want continued access to me.
And I’m finally okay with that.
I’m learning that discomfort isn’t always a sign that I’ve done something wrong.
This one has been huge for me.
Because when you’re used to keeping everyone happy, the moment someone becomes unhappy with you, your first instinct is to fix it.
Immediately.
You explain.
You apologize.
You backtrack.
You offer compromises you don’t actually want.
You start questioning everything you said.
You try desperately to restore the peace.
But sometimes peace isn’t peace.
Sometimes it’s just you abandoning yourself so everyone else can stop being uncomfortable.
And I’m not doing that anymore.
Someone being disappointed in me doesn’t automatically mean I’ve disappointed myself.
Someone being angry with me doesn’t automatically mean I’ve done something wrong.
Someone misunderstanding me doesn’t mean I have to spend three hours writing a dissertation defending my character.
Sometimes people are going to be upset.
Sometimes they’re going to misunderstand.
Sometimes they’re going to tell their version of the story.
And sometimes…
I’m going to let them.
Because I don’t need to be understood by everyone.
I just need to know who I am.
I don’t want to be palatable anymore.
I want to be real.
I want to laugh too loudly.
I want to have opinions.
I want to care deeply.
I want to say what I mean.
I want to admit when something hurts.
I want to be excited about the things that excite me.
I want to change my mind when I learn something new.
I want to have boundaries.
I want to say no without writing a five-paragraph explanation.
I want to say yes because I actually want to—not because I’m afraid someone will be disappointed if I don’t.
I want friendships where honesty doesn’t feel dangerous.
Relationships where vulnerability isn’t weaponized.
People around me who don’t require me to constantly edit myself.
I want to be able to walk into a room without wondering which version of myself everyone else would prefer.
Because here’s the thing:
The version of me that everyone likes isn’t necessarily the version of me that I like.
And I’m finally more interested in the second one.
Some people will like the smaller version of you better.
That’s probably the hardest part.
When you stop people-pleasing, not everyone celebrates your growth.
Some people preferred the version of you who always said yes.
Some people preferred when you didn’t speak up.
Some people liked knowing you would always forgive them.
Some people benefited from your inability to say no.
Some people loved your availability but never actually valued you.
And when you start changing those things, they may tell you that you’ve changed.
They’re right.
I have.
I’m supposed to.
I’m not interested in spending my entire life being the same person I was simply because someone else was comfortable with her.
Growth is allowed to inconvenience people.
Healing is allowed to change relationships.
Boundaries are allowed to make certain people leave.
And sometimes losing someone is the price of finally refusing to lose yourself.
I’m not becoming heartless.
I’m becoming honest.
There’s a difference.
I still care.
Probably more than I should sometimes.
I still love people deeply.
I still want to help.
I still believe in forgiveness.
I still believe people deserve grace.
But grace doesn’t mean unlimited access.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean reconciliation.
Love doesn’t mean tolerating everything.
And kindness doesn’t mean self-abandonment.
I can love you and still say no.
I can forgive you and still keep my distance.
I can understand why you behaved a certain way and still decide that behavior isn’t something I want in my life.
I can wish you well without inviting you back into my world.
Those aren’t contradictions.
They’re boundaries.
So, no.
I’m not going to make myself smaller anymore.
I’m not going to dim myself so someone else can shine brighter.
I’m not going to pretend something doesn’t bother me because expressing it might make someone uncomfortable.
I’m not going to twist myself into whatever shape makes me easiest to love.
And I’m not going to spend the rest of my life auditioning for acceptance.
I’m going to be loud when I’m loud.
Soft when I’m soft.
Messy when I’m messy.
Funny when I’m funny.
Emotional when I’m emotional.
Stubborn when I’m stubborn.
Passionate when I’m passionate.
And imperfect all the damn time.
Because I’m starting to understand something:
The goal isn’t to become someone everyone can tolerate.
The goal is to become someone I don’t have to abandon in order to be loved.
And if being authentically myself makes me “too much” for someone?
That’s okay.
I’d rather be too much for the wrong people than never enough for myself.
Maybe that’s what growing up actually is.
Not becoming more palatable.
Not becoming easier.
Not becoming smaller.
Just finally realizing that you were never the problem for taking up space.
You were simply taking up space in rooms that expected you to disappear.
And I’m done disappearing.

The thing is i am currently in my Btech third year, and i feel like i am all alone here,dont have any friends to hang out with....and whenever i see someone social media where they hang out with other people i always think maybe i am not good, that's why i don't have any friends!!...Then i started going to the institute counsellor she said go and talk to different people but i can't,then she said go do something alone...then i went for to see a movie by myself it was fun but i still feel i was all lonely by myself...but that was a thrilling feeling....tell me how to love myself more!!

Many of us speak to ourselves much more harshly than we would ever speak to a friend.

Imagine you make a mistake at work. Your first thought might be, "I'm terrible at this." But if your closest friend made the exact same mistake, would you say that to them? Probably not.

You'd likely say something like, "Everyone makes mistakes. Learn from it and keep going."

That simple shift can change how you respond to challenges. Instead of beating yourself up, you give yourself the same patience, understanding, and encouragement that you'd naturally give someone you care about.

Sometimes the wisest voice isn't a new one—it's the compassionate voice you'd use if the situation belonged to your closest friend instead of you.

I originally wrote this after reading an editorial about facial-recognition technology. It made me think about whether we have an equivalent mechanism for recognising the patterns operating within ourselves. I'm curious how others here understand the relationship between self-observation and self-compassion.

I have difficulty speaking in front of people.

I’ve realized something about myself that I don’t really like admitting: I put almost everyone above myself.

I can look at someone I barely know and see so many things to admire. Their personality, their appearance, their talents, how they’ve grown, their friends, the things they get to do with their lives. Sometimes I genuinely wish I could be more like them. I see what they have and immediately feel like they’re doing better than me.

And then there’s me. I can find something wrong with almost everything about myself.
I don’t think I was always like this. When I was little, around 3–8, I was just carefree. I didn’t spend my time wondering whether I was interesting enough, pretty enough, good enough or doing enough with my life. I could just be a kid and see myself as a fun girl.
Then other kids started being mean to me, along with other personal things and people hurting me over the years. I think I slowly learned to look at myself through that same negative lens.

It’s strange because I know how to appreciate other people. I know how to notice their good qualities and be happy for their growth. I just don’t seem to know how to do the same for myself.

I really want to get back to being able to look at myself and actually like the person I see. I want to see myself the way I see other people.

"The third key ingredient of self-compassion is mindfulness. Which simply means seeing and accepting things as they are, no more, no less."

Imagine someone who's drowning. They're flailing around, desperately trying to save themselves. But the more they panic, the more they flounder. When we're stuck in a situation, we shouldn't panic and struggle blindly. We should take a step back (stop resisting), understand where we are, and then decide how to deal with the situation.

So, when I realized I have been cheated on I didn't know what has happened. I kept questioning him and he kept defending himself. I was hurting so bad. I felt stuck, physically and mentally. I kept crying and making this so big in my head. For days, I just lay there. I couldn’t talk to anyone or even bring myself to go for a walk. After talking to my psychologist, I could calm down, but still struggling to realize what the situation is. I kept writing about how I feel and what is happening. I have been writing my thoughts and feeling since childhood, which I found out it's a good practice for mindfulness.

"So, the first step is to recognize what we are feeling. We can't heal, what we can't feel. When you focus on the fact that you are having certain thoughts and feelings, you are no longer lost."

Here's an exercise for mindfulness:

"An important tool used to develop mindfulness is the practice of noting. The idea is to make a soft mental note whenever a particular thought, emotion, or sensation arises.

We can train our brains to pay better attention and become more aware of what’s happening to us moment to moment. This skill offers a big payoff in terms of allowing us to be more fully engaged in the present, and it also provides us with the mental perspective needed to deal with challenging situations effectively. "

"Once something has occurred in reality, there is nothing you can do to change that reality in the present moment. This is how things are. You can choose to accept this fact or not, but reality will remain the same either way.

Mindfulness allows us to stop resisting reality because it holds all experience in nonjudgmental awareness. It allows us to accept the fact that something unpleasant is occurring, even if we don’t like it. Pain is unavoidable; suffering is optional."

"The second fundamental element of self-compassion is recognition of common human experience.

We should know that we are all in this together. The pain I feel in difficult times is the same pain that you feel in difficult times. The triggers are different, the circumstances are different, the degree of pain is different, but the process is the same. You can’t always get what you want."

What the book suggest on this part is that we shouldn't stay alone. Social isolation would worsen the case, I can say this as I'm experiencing it. If I had social circles, this pain wouldn’t be so great that I couldn’t even get out of bed for a month. For the past two years I have been working in two different countries and now that I'm back in my home country I have no social circles that could keep me busy.

"When our troubled, painful experiences are framed by the recognition that countless others have undergone similar hardships, the blow is softened. The pain still hurts, but it doesn’t become compounded by feelings of separation."

I'm going through a break up and a psychologist suggested me Self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff. I just decided to make some posts here while I'm reading the book.

Self-kindness is one of the components of self-compassion.

One of the exercises on this part is about changing our critical self-talk.

1. The first step toward changing the way you treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself.

What words do you actually use when you’re self- critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice—harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of anyone in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to know the inner self-critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active.

1. Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I know you’re trying to keep me safe, and to point out ways that I need to improve, but your harsh criticism and judgment is not helping at all. Please stop being so critical, you are causing me unnecessary pain.”

2. Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a kind, friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.

I want to love myself. I want to secure my self from the fake feelings I'm 23m