r/SelfCompassion • u/baran1119 • 12d ago

THE CORE COMPONENTS OF SELF- COMPASSION: Self-Kindness

I'm going through a break up and a psychologist suggested me Self-compassion by Dr. Kristin Neff. I just decided to make some posts here while I'm reading the book.

Self-kindness is one of the components of self-compassion.

One of the exercises on this part is about changing our critical self-talk.

  1. The first step toward changing the way you treat yourself is to notice when you are being self-critical. Whenever you’re feeling bad about something, think about what you’ve just said to yourself.

What words do you actually use when you’re self- critical? Are there key phrases that come up over and over again? What is the tone of your voice—harsh, cold, angry? Does the voice remind you of anyone in your past who was critical of you? You want to be able to get to know the inner self-critic very well, and to become aware of when your inner judge is active.

  1. Make an active effort to soften the self-critical voice, but do so with compassion rather than self-judgment (i.e., don’t say “you’re such a bitch” to your inner critic!). Say something like “I know you’re trying to keep me safe, and to point out ways that I need to improve, but your harsh criticism and judgment is not helping at all. Please stop being so critical, you are causing me unnecessary pain.”

  2. Reframe the observations made by your inner critic in a kind, friendly, positive way. If you’re having trouble thinking of what words to use, you might want to imagine what a very compassionate friend would say to you in this situation. The important thing is that you start acting kindly, and feelings of true warmth and caring will eventually follow.

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u/SamchezTheThird 12d ago

Thank you for the reminder!!

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u/baran1119 12d ago

You are welcome my friend!

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u/mapleleaffem 12d ago

ACT therapy is excellent for encouraging this type of mindfulness and letting go of emotions that aren’t helpful

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u/baran1119 12d ago

Would you tell me more about ACT, I did google it but I was wondering if self-compassion is part of that or what?

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u/mapleleaffem 11d ago

In act you practice mindfulness so that you can learn to identify your feelings, feel them fully and learn to disentangle your emotions from yourself. Emotions are fleeting and not who we are. Emotions are natural normal and instinctual but it doesn’t mean when they have to offer is always helpful or good idea. So yes self-compassion is a big part of it.

For me part of the disentangling is humour because I’m old and I’ve learned that nothing is that big of a deal. I wish I had learned ACT decades ago so that I could’ve started being easier on myself a lot sooner. We can really hamstring our mental health by being negative. It helps to think what would I tell a friend going through this?

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u/Fabulous_Turnover_22 12d ago

Thank you so much!!! It is greatly appreciated

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u/baran1119 12d ago

You are welcome! I decided writing some notes from the book to take an action regarding being self compassionate toward myself since I'm new to this. I would be very happy if it was useful for even one person.