r/SingleAndHappy • u/Underd_g • 2d ago
Discussion (Questions, Advice, Polls) š£ Am I missing out?
People that have been in relationships, could you tell me what sucks about being in a relationship (that is not as obvious as most complaints about partnership)?
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u/Just_Patience_7038 2d ago
One thing I really hated about being married is that he was always there. Like, ALL THE TIME. He had no friends, not real ones anyway, and for a long time was unemployed so I never had alone time. I was either at work surrounded by people or with him. If I wanted to travel, he had to come. If I wanted to go out, he came along. All the time!l!
Nobody told me I wouldnāt have single moment to myself other than in the bathroom, and even then I knew he was in the house. I never knew how much alone time I needed until I had none.
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u/twice_paramount832 1d ago
I know a woman who divorced his husband because he frequently went out with his boat and with his friends. Something normal eh, not all the time.
I never believed that story tbh.
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u/Just_Patience_7038 1d ago
Sus. If my husband had friends and a boat, and went away regularly, we mightāve stayed married longer!
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 1d ago
That sounds more like having a child than a spouse! Which, if youāre a woman, isnāt entirely untrue š literally one huge reason why I never want to marry is because I donāt want someone to always be in my house, to quote Whoopi. It would be so fkn annoying to me like GO AWAY š
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u/Just_Patience_7038 1d ago
Yup, pretty much. My experience of marriage was that I was the adult and he was like a perma-teenager. More or less capable of taking care of himself, and with a lot of management and direction also capable of things like grocery shopping (if I gave him the list), cleaning (if I asked him to do something p, he would but never without being asked) and that sort of thing. Planning anything? No. Managing entire aspects of our shared life like, dunno, finances? Also no.
I could go on but you get the idea. I hated being married and Iām never doing it again.
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 19h ago
Oh hell no. Proud to be a NEVER MARRIED AND NEVER WILL. I want this for all women, ban and abolish the institution of marriage!
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u/wheres_jaykwellin_at 1d ago
This morning, I was telling my best friend a story about my former long-term boyfriend, who once got upset because I wanted to go run an errand alone.
My destination? Sephora. What was he gonna do - wait outside?? I was also A) gone a total of about 45 minutes, and B) driving/going out alone for the first time in a month due to an illness.
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u/EightyNine19 2d ago edited 2d ago
For me, Iām a person that appreciates my own space and company
In a relationship, there is a lot of togetherness. Itās like the default setting. Nothing wrong with that, but depending on who you have as a partner, some folks overdo it.
I think there is a lot of codependency going on in the world. People wanting to be coupled up and totally invested in someone else
In my last relationship, bc I had my own place, and he had roommates, he always wanted to be at my house. Then, when heās over, I was constantly cleaning up after him. Heād step out of his boxers & leave them on the floor. He would eat dinner, get up from the table & leave the chair pulled out
It got to the point where I would lie sometimes and act like I wasnāt home, just so he wouldnāt come over and I would get me time
Iām a woman, so how we experience relationships is totally different from men. I feel like most women in relationships give SOoo much of themselves in every way. To a point where it could be draining - physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Thereās a lot of energy that gets expended being a woman in a relationship
I like the freedom I feel from being single and unattached. Itās whatever floats your boat tho. I think people need to get to know themselves. Be honest with what they want, & live the life they want
I have a sister who wants marriage so bad. For me, marriage seems like hell. Someone living with me, in my space 24/7, who would require me to be of service for them? Yikes
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u/chouxphetiche 2d ago
I was with someone who stayed on weekends, and my only stipulation was that he had to leave by 1 pm on Sundays. By 11 30, there was pouting and shuffling of feet. He took his time to pack his things up into a backpack and by some divine miracle, managed to work up the need to have a shit at 12 55 pm. That took half an hour.
One Sunday, I was expecting a few women over and he hung around trying to ingratiate himself by bringing us drinks and playing his bass. One of my guests asked me, loudly, why he hadn't left yet. This is girl's time!
After this had gone on for a few weeks I told him that, bowel functions or not, he had to be gone by the designated time and that the pub was open only two minutes from my place. It had a toilet. I was BUSY. I had things to do. He protested. He said we could do them together. Lighten the load.
He was a load!
Some men will do anything to avoid being alone, at our expense.
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u/EightyNine19 2d ago
You hit the nail on the head.
I think women, more so than men, can appreciate being alone and content. We can have breaks without sex and relationships
Men want constant access to a womanās energy and body
The average man hates being alone
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u/Underd_g 2d ago
Iām not a woman, but definitely relate to having to clean after others. Growing up with older brothers, the household chores were put unevenly on me. I literally just moved out on a random day and donāt see myself living with someone ever again because of that.
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u/Ecstatic_Couple6435 1d ago
The amount of togetherness expected from your average romantic union is why I just opt out of them. I hate amatonormativity and that weāre expected to become codependent in these relationships. That just because weāre sleeping with someone weāre expected to give all our time and energy over to this one person. I canāt and wonāt do it.
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u/Radiant-Leg5335 2d ago
Not everyone feels this way but I always kind of felt like I had to perform, not a lot but always at least a little bit. Never wanted to look or feel gross around him so felt like I always had to look somewhat nice and act a certain way. He also would wake up at 6am for work so even on his days off he'd wake up at that time, get dressed and just sit at the side of the bed watching videos on his phone waiting for me to wake up so I felt like I couldn't sleep in. Little things like that did it for me
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u/Underd_g 2d ago
Yikes. I need authenticity to function. You didnāt feel like you could just be real with him?
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u/TanyaLola 2d ago
Curfew. Jealousy. More money spent on gifts (eg birthdays, valentines) and food/ another mouth to feed. Controlling. Manipulative. Arguments/ not agreeing on what to do. Him not letting you get a cat. Cleaning up after him. Dealing with his meddling family members. Lack of privacy. Looking after him as he ages. Becoming his carer, wiping his butt/ feeding him/ bathing him, taking him to doctor & hospital appointments. Single women live longer. This is fact.
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u/MassiveAd4980 2d ago
Becoming dependent on another person for your peace and joy sucks.
It is inevitable that they will either change, or go away, or you won't like them as much and will start dreaming about a new person.
Breakups are like withdrawing from a powerful drug. It is one of the worst things I have ever experienced.
Learning to manage your own nervous system and find peace and neutrality is like standing on level ground instead of a roller coaster, emotionally.
Even your dreams of relationship or FOMO is self inflicted BS. It just gets worse when you get attached to someone else. You have to find peace alone for lasting well being. Then you could take or leave a relationship and be fine.
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u/saturday_sun4 1d ago
I have never really got my head around the whole romantic attraction thing (for a long, long time I actually didn't realise it was real and thought people were making it up for films and TV). Reading your framing of it as a drug, it makes more sense why many people react so badly to unwanted breakups.
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u/ArsenalSpider 2d ago
Are you a woman or a man because that makes a huge difference.
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u/Underd_g 2d ago
Gay guy
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u/ArsenalSpider 2d ago
Iām not sure if gay relationships have the same toxic stuff going on that I experienced in my relationship. Straight men generally view women as objects and not people. The misogyny is even there with āgood ones.ā
It has taken me years to really dig through all of the things I missed out on during my 17 year marriage which was a 20 year relationship. So many things.
Watching what I want on television and at the movies. It was always a selection of what he wanted to see. He pretended that I got to pick when he did that. Right now, Iām going through years and years of movies and shows he would not consider even allowing me to watch without put downs and comments.
No sports anymore means Iām finally free of having to hear all about some stupid game I donāt care about for hours on my weekend.
Trips or vacations were always what he wanted. Even our honeymoon. He never asked me what I wanted to do or go.
He was the main character and I was just an extra in the movie of the life of him. Everything was what he wanted. Everything from sex, if he wasnāt interested, it didnāt happen, the reverse was not true, to who came over to what we had for dinner. I was there to serve, clean, laugh at his stupid jokes.
There is a lot of truth in the show āKevin can f*ck himself ā I lived a lot of that show. My ex was Kevin. He was the life of the party especially after some beers. I was supposed to serve and never object. I suggest watching it if you are curious about a huge percentage of heterosexual relationships. Escaping is really hard. I escaped. Many do not. If anything it will scare the crap out of you about straight men.
Iām not sure if this helps answer anything OP. Iād like to think gay men would be kinder to other gay men but what do I know? I donāt.
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u/Underd_g 1d ago
Oh I have four straight brothers. I grew up being treated unfairly and cleaning up after them. The double standards were endless. Safe to say Iāll never live with a straight man again. The misogyny or homophobia you just have to brush under the rug, while being treated like a maid constantly is too much for me.
Hope youāre doing better now.
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u/ArsenalSpider 1d ago edited 1d ago
Single is much better! Yes, I'm better now. Divorce is a wonderful thing.
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u/National_Fact8650 2d ago
pls explain
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u/Budgie-bitch 2d ago
Men statistically benefit far more from marriage than women
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u/Specialist-Ring-3974 2d ago
Nah, plenty of men in relationships I know that are unhappy. A lot of being performative and unappreciated. Letās not make this one-sided.
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u/Budgie-bitch 2d ago
Itās not about individual people, itās about statistics and overall trends. Donāt be obtuse
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u/Specialist-Ring-3974 2d ago
Meh, Iām not going to stoop to your level and bring in toxic debates to this sub. To answer the OPās question, nah, relationships arenāt worth it for men. There are also recent trends that prove that as well.
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u/Budgie-bitch 2d ago
Itās amazing that pointing out basic stats counts as a stoop for you, but have a nice day always lol. Amazingly most women I in relationships are also miserable. Shocking but true!
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u/MassiveAd4980 2d ago edited 2d ago
What statistics suggest benefit?
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u/National_Fact8650 2d ago
thers also studies that the man's salary will go up quicker and more than a single man
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u/MassiveAd4980 2d ago
As a man I could see that if I have kids. At a certain age im not that motivated to provide only for myself. In a healthy marriage I think the wealth is shared though.
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u/National_Fact8650 2d ago
women take on more of the housework, invisible labour goes up for a woman but goes down for a man
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u/MassiveAd4980 2d ago
Women tend to be cleaner and want a home that is more cozy... men will live in "bachelor pads" with a matrress on the floor lol. My parents were different but I would imagine women cleaning up more out of instinct and then sometimes resenting it.
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u/Jehovas_Thiccnesss 1d ago
Even if men are willing to live in filth, they still benefit from living in a clean home. And the men who are willing to live that way are more likely to create additional filth that their partners wouldnāt have to deal with if he wasnāt there.
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u/ColloidalPurple-9 2d ago edited 2d ago
The literal only thing I miss is flirting and you donāt have to be in a relationship to do that. I literally found nothing valuable about my relationships. I partook because I thought that I was supposed to. And like many people that are relationship focused, I was conditioned to consider my partner or potential partner (and other people in general) above myself which 1) lead to a general lack of self-expression and understanding and 2) a loss of any self I may have had possession of.
I have recently come to learn that people who tolerate what I abhor about relationships generally find ācompanionshipā a worthwhile trade-off. While you can build companionship in a variety of ways, a romantic partnership is often considered the ultimate companionship. So you may want to reflect on what companionship means to you to further understand what you could be āmissing outā on.
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u/saturday_sun4 1d ago edited 1d ago
I was fortunate enough to know early on that none of this was for me.
But I see a lot of these "I had a partner (or had kids) because I thought I had to" type of comments. I think there are a LOT more coupled-up people out there than we realise who are just drifting through romantic relationships rather than actively wanting them because it never occurred to them that they could (and should, for their own wellbeing) do otherwise.
And definitely a big theme of eroding yourself for your so-called "partner", instead of being equals.
I am glad you're out of that space now. It's much more freeing, from the sounds of it.
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u/LowerWorld8539 2d ago
You arenāt missing out on any thing. Majority are just suffering in their toxic relationships, fulfilling ones are so rare. Enjoy your peace
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u/LooksLikeGonzosNose 2d ago
Cheating changes your brain in ways you cannot even imagine.....i do not miss the stress of worrying about that. Just talked to a friend today who caught her boyfriend cheating for the second time in a year. YIKES
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u/chouxphetiche 2d ago
I've been cheated on in a couple of relationships and ultimately, it was the risk of STIs that was worse than the risk of a broken heart. Some STIs are gifts that keep on giving. Broken hearts mend.
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u/INeedHigherHeels 2d ago
This is as someone who never lived together with a partner.
It is a huge time commitment to be in a relationship.
Daily contact is the norm and you need to meet at least twice a weak.
Sex at least once a week.
Everything will need to be planned around the timetable of two people.
You will see your friends a lot less and cut back on your hobbies.
Food needs to be liked by both.
You need to do a ton of emotional labor.
You need to make a lot of sacrifices in your own personal space.
And hope he does the same (like buy a laundry basket for his student flat) and after two months of dating he still refused to by me a blanket so I can sleep at peace at his place
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u/JJamericana 2d ago
Thank you for sharing this! I use to idealize romantic partnership as a lifelong single, but now Iām beginning to see that lifestyle as having many tradeoffs I know I wouldnāt like. So your honesty is so deeply appreciated.
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u/INeedHigherHeels 2d ago
And what I wrote are the negatives you experience with a good partner.
With a bad partner you will feel worse than ever before and ruin your career and opportunity and options just to make someone happy that makes you miserable
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u/JJamericana 2d ago
UGH, yes! That's such a good point. Plus -- you weren't even living with your previous romantic partners.
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u/No_Pie1022 2d ago
If you feel like youāre missing outā¦ check out the hinge and tinder subreddits š¤£š¤£ itās wild out there, Iāll keep my sanity thanks
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u/LoKeyIdiot 2d ago
There can be different phases in a relationship. Personally dating/intimacy can be fun and loving. The romance can be deep.
As the relationship gets more serious and further along it shifts to also running a household with a partner.
Aligning on finances, children, wedding/marriage, independence vs support, to me is incredibly mentally exhausting. Itās not enjoyable to me. Itās stressful.
Many people look forward to building a life together as partners. I found I was not one.
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u/Furcifera 2d ago
people have ideas about you and expectations, and when you don't match them it makes them unhappy. some people see their relationship as a competition about who's smarter and has more authority. monogamy just makes no sense for me. and i like to fart freely in my apartment
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u/royalgreyyy 2d ago
I used to think Iām missing out, I looked around at other peopleās relationships and stories shared online. As a woman, I truly donāt think most heterosexual relationships are worth it.
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u/HorndogAsexual 2d ago edited 2d ago
Honestly if you feel like you might be missing out, give dating a try and see if it's for you. We're all built different.
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u/megamonster88 2d ago
I have maybe a different perspective because Iām single and happy but I havenāt particularly sworn off dating. If it happens, cool. If not, cool.
For me, the worst part about being in a relationship (barring some abuse or something) is just always having to consider someone else. Iām super independent and like doing what I want when I want to. I also travel a lot for work and I like just being free. I also love living along and donāt see myself living with a partner again (never say never but it just doesnāt appeal to me)
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u/National_Zucchini220 1d ago
This is me. I'm hyper-independent and require a lot of alone time. It's just not conducive to what most men are looking for in a relationship. I do tend to have luck with divorced guys. I'm not at all against companionship but romantic relationships tend to require too much time, sacrifice, and compromise for me
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u/Maleficent-Peaches 1d ago
I get fat and I have trust issues thanks to my last relationship
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u/haikusbot 1d ago
I get fat and I
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u/bigfanoffood 2d ago
Iām best friends with a husband and wife (met the wife through work and the husband and I get along great) and we go out to dinner and do things together often. They have two young kids and wow them kids love not eating food after they order it. I canāt imagine spending that money and then just seeing the food sit there, uneaten. Granted, Iām overweight because I was raised with the āclear your plateā warning, but the money spent boggles my mind.
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u/TeCrumbs103 2d ago
Sorry I am not in a relationship but my friends who are in one all have similar issues of jealously. Either their partners become jealous because they dont have a friend group to lean on or my friends are jealous because they feel like their partner spends too much time with friends
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u/Meenah972 1d ago
I really hated the fact that I had to tell my plans, if I would like to go out after work I had to let them know, when I wanted to do things by myself I had to tell them...I couldn't have alone and quiet time at home when I'm not in the mood for talking. I hated jealousy and control too, I hated that I had to deal with his family all the time (they were great but ). I hated that I hade to adjust my sleep schedule to theirs. I hated that I had to cook and clean even when I wasn't hungry. I hated the arguments, being shouted at, insulted...I hated having to guess their mood and adapt. I hated asking myself "why is he like this? why did he say this?" I hated fearing disrespect and abandonment! (sorry for the typos english is not my first language)
it was a real epiphany when I realized that I'm sooo happy on my own!
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u/Anxious-Duty-1882 2d ago
If you go out and meet people via your hobbies then you will find an organic relationship. But donāt have high hopes or make it your mission to meet someone, enjoy your time and thatās it.Ā
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2d ago
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u/OnceMoreWithFeeling- 2d ago
Current relationship?
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2d ago
[deleted]
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u/OnceMoreWithFeeling- 2d ago
That must be difficult and I am sorry. But this sub is about being happily single...
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u/Welkin_Dust 2d ago
It was always the little things that got to me. How she expected me to run little errands for her, like going to pick up her meds. She would invite me over to help out with something like carrying groceries into her place and then immediately ask me to leave. And everything was always about what SHE wanted, but never me. Her mental health, her meal preferences, her outing plans.Ā
In hindsight she was a terrible match for me -- and I knew it from the start. But I was desperate and stupid. I lost myself trying to please her.Ā
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u/itsasecretshhutup 18h ago
Never knowing if he's going to end up being a porn addict or only wants you because of your looks.
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u/OnceMoreWithFeeling- 2d ago
This isn't the right sub for this question...
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u/INeedHigherHeels 2d ago
She wants to hear what made us decide that dating wasnāt for us.
The Titel was not very clear but the text it.
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u/Ok_Manufacturer2956 2d ago
You might aswell just try it for yourself, if you have to ask then you're clearly going to allow curiosity to take over you anyway.Ā
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u/1557JoppaRoad 1d ago
The āsmallā logistical issues festering under the surface, building up until it feels like the relationship is an open wound that can never be healed. So many things unsaid, and when said, spoken in such a way that they hurt and canāt be taken back.
The good times were amazing. But my life now is pretty good too. And no one can leave me and I canāt hurt anyone.
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