Therapy doesn't work for me. Help?

[u/Dare_Devil2054]

I've been through 4 this past year.

It feels like talking to a wall. There was one that I felt 75% understood me and she actually talked, but I couldnt keep going because of the distance.

Maybe therapy just isn't for me? People just keep recommending it (generally not to me personaly), and I don't get it. My parent tried taking me as a kid and I saw it as a waste of time, learned how to make choclate milk where you shake the milk bottle so the milk is all bubbly.

Then as a teen I tried again, really useless. And every time it's 100$+ a session.

Now I'm really ok. I do go through things that suck. Most people do. I am autistic and adhd and probably all the other fun things like depression and anxiety and you know, all that (not diagnosed because where I live med records can affect jobs and school acceptance). But I get along. Have good friends, do well in school. Have a job. Make the best of the horrible traumatic things by learning from them and I've really been finding self worth and purpuse, finally finding the right adhd meds at 24 really helped.

But yeah, I'd like therapy. In theory, there are things I'd like to talk about in therapy. But it just isn't working. Any advice?

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[u/shmebulocked]

hey there, adhd and suspected autistic here! please seek out a specialist who is neurodivergent affirming and has lots of training on working with audhd clients! unfortunately, traditional talk therapy with therapists who arent trained can have that effect, since the underlying cause of some of your issues (due to your neurodivergence) arent able to be directly addressed. its unfortunately a rather common experience of neurodivergent clients who have had therapy before.

[u/Educational_Dark_582]

There's different types of therapy, some of which may be more effective than others for dealing with certain types of issues. On top of that therapists have to 'fit' with you and your issues. It's entirely possible to go through multiple therapists before you find someone who can even begin to support you. With that said some issues may be aided by other means such as medication or similar additional supplements to therapy

[u/ANQsavedmylife]

Hi Dare, It sounds like you are doing well in a lot of ways.

I would suggest looking for a new therapist at a leisurely pace. For example: interview one therapist once a month (or every 2 months). Finding a therapist that makes you feel understood will be worth it.

[u/justanotherjenca]

You’d like therapy and there are things you want to talk about in therapy. What do you envision good therapy would be like? Like, what do you think your therapist would do/say, what do you think you would do/say, who do you imagine would choose what to talk about and when, and how much therapy stuff do you imagine happening in session versus out of session?

[u/Dare_Devil2054 → u/justanotherjenca]

I'd like them to reflect things back to me. A good therapist would understand me and be able to tell me when I am in the wrong or need to notice something around me is wrong, or direct me to figuring out what is right/wrong for me. Or help me work on letting go of things, not just on how but when. I would like advice but also someone who gives me a different angle and can tell me when a situation/person sucks, or when I screwed up or when I need to just move on. I'd also like to work on being more aware of my boundries and emotions, and learn to accept and express emotions like anger. Not just how to prevent anger, but what to do with it when I feel it, in a way that doesn't make me feel like I overeacted or let someone walk all over me.

[u/justanotherjenca → u/Dare_Devil2054]

Okay, so some of this is how therapy works, and some of it isn't. Here are the parts that therapy can help with:

• Reflecting things back to you in a way that encourages you to reflect more on situations, and/or your thoughts, beliefs, or behaviors;
• Understand you.
• Help you understand situations and the stories you tell yourself about them in new ways, so that the hard feelings or thoughts that you hold change on their own. This is close to what you refer to as "how to let go of things".
• Give alternate perspectives for you to consider, which you can then accept or reject.
• Help you become aware of your boundaries and emotions, and learn to accept and express emotions like anger in a healthy way. Therapists are VERY good at this one.

Here are the parts that therapy doesn't really do:

• Tell you when you're in the wrong or need to notice things. Therapists don't call out their clients, and don't do the observational work for them. They can help guide you toward noticing things, including when your own thoughts and behaviors are not helping you.
• Tell you when to let things go. Your feelings are your feelings, and you'll feel them for as long as you do. No good therapist will tell you "to get over it".
• Give advice.
• Tell you when a person or situation sucks, when you screwed up, or when you need to move on. See the above bullets. These are all things that therapists will guide you toward figuring out on your own, but you are the analyst and the decider.

If you are interested in working on the top list while understanding you're unlikely to find the second list in therapy, then therapy definitely can help you. What country are you in? I suspect not the US because you said that a record of mood disorders can affect job and school prospects.

[u/Top_Drummer9181]

Try a therapist specializing in a different modality from what your other therapists were doing. Just in case. I did that and found mine.