tldr: I asked my therapist to honestly tell me how they would feel if I would kill myself, they felt uncomfortable by my question, now I feel ashamed and guilty and debate apologizing to them

So in my last session I mentioned to my therapist that I recently had the thought that he wishes I would kill myself. I often think people hate me, also him, but I hadn't spiraled this bad yet in our 3 year therapeutic relationship. Thoughts of other people wanting me to die are not uncommon for me, I have them quite often, especially when I go through phases in which I struggle a lot with suicidal ideation. So I guess because I am used to it, I was kind of surprised by how serious he took this.

We explored what might have caused this thought to arise, what unmet needs might lay underneath, etc. After a good chunk of exploring he asked me, what he could do now to help me with this thought. Honestly, I was a bit suprised that he asked me that, because I expected that he would want me to convince myself of the contrary and see through my projections. So I had to think for a while and thought, he could tell me whether he would want me to die. Then I thought, well, he would just say no and that that wouldn't convince me anyway. I was a bit hesitant to speak and even said that I don't think I am allowed to ask what I am thinking of asking. He encouraged me to ask. So I said, that he could tell me, honestly, what it would be like for him if I would kill myself. His warm tone changed immediately to a very serious one. He didn't say anything for a few moments while looking away.

He then told me, he does not feel comfortable answering that question. That he knows this relationship dynamic in which one person says they will kill themselves and he does not know what this person actually wants him to do. And that this would put too much responsibility on him. I agreed with him and said that I know the feeling of being scared to do anything wrong in a relationship causing the other person to harm themselves. Then he suggested that I might have asked this question to put him in a position ehich makes me feel more powerful.

We continued exploring what we could do to counter this thought of mine that he wants me to die. For example I asked him to tell me immediately when he does not want to work with me anymore.

Now I feel very guilty for making him feel uncomfortable and putting him in this situation. I know I test my therapist all the time and I don't even realise it in the moment... I am wondering whether I should apologize to him next session and try to repair it or whether it is just my chronically self-hating brain making me spiral, ashamed and guilty for stuff that has already been dealt with in session.

For context it might be relevant that I have attempted suicide two times in my youth, but have not attempted in the last ten years since then.

I’ve only had 2 sessions with this therapist. She was very professional, it was difficult to open myself up to her but that’s usually what happens with me when I talk to new therapists- it usually takes me 3-4 sessions to warm up because the process can be uncomfortable for me. Recently I have been seeing the psychiatrist she referred me to because she believed that would help me, then I could go back to seeing her with “clearer goals”- her quote. I went to see the psychiatrist (I’m still regularly seeing) who then told me to see my therapist again for extra support. I tried to make a Saturday appointment with her (she knows I work full time mon-fri and she is one of the only therapists I know that do Saturday appointments) before my next appointment with my psychiatrist, however she informed me on our message portal where we communicate that her next appointment was very far out however she can still schedule me in. Unfortunately this was when I was having my low lows (which I know now is bipolar) and completely ignored the message and went to my previous therapist just for the one time because I wanted to discuss the medication I was prescribed because I was very overwhelmed with my supposed diagnosis (this therapist is not covered by my insurance and charges $170 per session which I can no longer afford, but because this was such an urgent matter and we have good history, I decided to go back for the one time). Fast forward to last night. It has been exactly a month since I reached out to my therapist. Last night I had one of the worst anxiety attacks, I was spiraling and my mind was racing with thoughts and my heart was beating a mile a minute and I couldn’t stop sobbing. I realized the situation and I decided to message my therapist to please forgive my unresponsiveness, and to schedule me for her next available Saturday no matter the date or time. I also informed her (in the nicest way I could) that she could just jot me down without confirming because it will help me not to avoid my therapy appointments. I messaged her at 4am because my body couldn’t calm down enough to sleep. I get a message from her today: photo provided. I won’t lie, this message was a punch in the gut. I have severe abandonment issues (main reason for my anxiety attack last night) and today has just not been a good day at all. I understand that this could be for the best, and she has been professional the entire two times I’ve seen her. But I can’t help but think this was all my fault. Part of me is even mad that she did this to me, however I am doing my best to think realistically about the situation. I understand LOGICALLY that this could’ve been good for the both of us, but with everything that happened yesterday and today, this was the icing on the cake, like I couldn’t help but feel betrayed and abandoned. I truly tried to do my best, and sound as nice as I could in the message. Part of me even wants to ask why she decided to stop seeing me, but I’m afraid I will sound insane. I mean, she is well within her right to dump me as a client, right? I also recognize that she is also offering me referrals to other therapists, so she has my best interest in mind. I’m trying to ask: what do you think of this? Was I just super unprofessional that would make a therapist want to dump me? I am willing to accept that I was wrong, I don’t mind if it makes me a better person. But there’s another part of me, idk probably the bipolar part of me, that just feels like this was unprofessional and without notice (I recognize the irony). (P.S. Please everyone be nice :c today has been such a horrid day. As mentioned I don’t mind constructive criticism, if what I did was stupid I’m willing to admit and reflect. I appreciate any feedback! I’m just really fragile today 😭)

This post stems from a discussion I had with my T about getting some dad needs meet through different relationships. (My dad was constantly absent from the home and emotionally distant and taking care of my mom when he WAS home.) Problem is that I want him to meet most if all of my dad needs which I KNOW he can’t do BUT the thing is:

I don’t believe I will ever get those needs met because it’s hard to develop healthy relationships with older men because I am a young, conventionally attractive, married woman.

My T is the only older man that has given me care and attention in a healthy way. Most of the time, if an older man is giving me attention, they are attracted to me in some way and I can still have some sort of relationship with them, but I put walls up to not be taken advantage of. I feel like I can’t trust most older men to be respectful of me and have a non-sexualized relationship with me.

So when my T is like “you can get these Dad needs met in several different relationships,” I’m like: “Yeah right buddy. Where am I gonna find respectful older men to connect with in a healthy way?”

I guess I just won’t ever get most of these Dad needs met? Therapy is helping a little but the therapeutic relationship is not enough to heal this. The bitter part of me is going “I told you so! It’s not worth relying on people to meet these needs. They can’t do it. It’s just me myself and I like it always has been and always will be.” Sadly, my convo with my T about this just makes me mad at him while wanting to run away from therapy.

Anyone else relate?

so this happened 4years ago , i was ranting about something and he just randomly said smtg along the lines of (“yeah i get it my sibling died by suicide too”), i wasnt talking ab suicide or anything, and it came out of nowhere and i got so awkward and weird that i diverted the convo after saying “ohh shit” , and i felt guilty ever since then 3yrs ago i did bring it up w him and then he just said idk what ur talking abt thats not possible why would i say that maybe idkidk thats what he said he didnt deny wht he said was false or wtv but he turned it on me nd said things like i should not be guilty nd stuff like that he turned towards me, but even after that i sent him a mesg abt it nd i still feel so weird and guilty , its really weird i cant , idky like its so normal and human obviously that he just blurt it out at that moment its normal ofcc but i feel so guilty that i couldnt hold space for him or do anything like idk ykwim i couldnt ig idk ugh, i feel weird and guilty that i couldnt help him feel better which is also so weird idkkkk bruh , can someone tell me wht to do abt it, i keep thibking wht should i hv done in that situation.

is this normal? i know i could try to find the answer but im kinda worrying a lot rn.

i just did a consult with a new therapist who SPECIALIZES in what im going through and we spoke and she then told me essentially she thinks i need more support and she's going to refer me to professionals that could be a better fit.

maybe this happens? ive never heard about this ever. every therapist ive consulted with is trying to CONVINCE me why i should book with them. i feel .... rejected? idk? like is something THAT brutally wrong with me?

Next Wednesday will be my last meeting with my first therapist (after that, I'll be seeing only my new therapist from then on). She said we can go get boba tea and just hang out before we say goodbye and she discharges me from the program she's in.

It's a really bittersweet feeling. My first therapist was really nice and helped me a lot throughout the year we've known each other, and it's because of her I've developed a more positive mindset. I'm pretty down about having to part ways with her, but she said it's for the best because she thinks I'm ready for a lower level of care. I'm planning to give her a thank you card and a letter I wrote.

I have been put on a new prescription for my seizures but also for bipolar this was weeks ago, the medication has made me not think as well, forgetfulness and not really able to hold a conversation as well as I used to. The seizures are a new thing in my life and I have been struggling with thing that come with it such as not being able to drive and probably going to have to quit my job as it's dangerous with and without seizures. I also unfortunately have PTSD and just been struggling with memories of that.

ANYWAYS last Friday I was just really going through it with everything going on so I texted my therapist that I was just done and wasn't going to kms but just self harm as to just feel in control of something (yea I know I'm dumb) he texted me the following day that he's hopes im okay and whatever (not the words he used) and I didn't respond all weekend cuz I didn't want to ruin his weekend with me. I then texted him yesterday telling him I did not go to the hospital but I think I should and he texted me that we could talk about it tomorrow (which is today)

I just feel like this is performative that I am attention seeking yet I have not tried to kms or self harm in almost 4 years. I just feel like he thinks I just want attention from him and now I want to cancel and just not see him. I have been working with him for 4 years now.

Also off topic can I change my emergency contact cuz I would die if he called my current emergency contact if I did do anything.

I've been through 4 this past year.

It feels like talking to a wall. There was one that I felt 75% understood me and she actually talked, but I couldnt keep going because of the distance.

Maybe therapy just isn't for me? People just keep recommending it (generally not to me personaly), and I don't get it. My parent tried taking me as a kid and I saw it as a waste of time, learned how to make choclate milk where you shake the milk bottle so the milk is all bubbly.

Then as a teen I tried again, really useless. And every time it's 100$+ a session.

Now I'm really ok. I do go through things that suck. Most people do. I am autistic and adhd and probably all the other fun things like depression and anxiety and you know, all that (not diagnosed because where I live med records can affect jobs and school acceptance). But I get along. Have good friends, do well in school. Have a job. Make the best of the horrible traumatic things by learning from them and I've really been finding self worth and purpuse, finally finding the right adhd meds at 24 really helped.

But yeah, I'd like therapy. In theory, there are things I'd like to talk about in therapy. But it just isn't working. Any advice?

I feel really bad about this tbh. She is really sweet and me wanting to stop therapy with her has nothing to do with her abilities as a therapist at all.

It's just that it's getting expensive and I have increasingly felt like that €200 a month could really go into something else. It sounds dumb but I wanna take myself to dine out more (it's something I enjoy doing) or that money could be spent on a quick weekend trip for some rest and relaxation, which I also want to do. I don't know if I'm getting my priorities right by not prioritizing therapy with my current therapist who already knows my entire "story" or case, or justifying wanting to go on more trips with "it's good for my mental health too."

As for therapy, it has overall been nice. It's been a good place to talk about my feelings, though I also feel like we haven't made much progress on the "solutions." A.k.a. dealing with my mom.

I have found another therapy place in my home country that offers therapy for a much cheaper price. I don't know if they will be better than my current therapist (bless her, she is a very sweet and helpful lady) and my motive for this is mostly financial.

I've thought about this for a while now. I'd appreciate some opinions or advice on this.

If I do stop therapy with my current therapist, what are some ways I can go about saying this without coming across as rude or hurting her feelings? Do I just tell her... how? I don't want to just drop it at the end of the session and tell her I won't be seeing her after a few more sessions. It feels awkward to do so. I also don't want to pull a white lie and say I'm stopping therapy because I'm busy or something (when in truth I just found a cheaper place.) I'm really not sure what to do

Hi everyone I'm looking for some advice on what to do.

I'm brand new to therapy. After years of putting it off I decided to give it a shot this past August. But in the last month the therapist I've met with has canceled two of the four sessions I've scheduled. The first one was because of computer issues (I do virtual). Okay, it sucks but no problem, stuff happens.

But then yesterday at about 2 am I got an email saying my session for later that day had been canceled. All he said was that the time no longer worked for him and asked if I could reschedule. I was really looking forward to it so again it sucks. It probably wouldn't be a problem except I can only do after my 9-5 and his next availability is two weeks away.

I guess what I'm getting at is what should I do? I feel like this kind of stuff happens whenever I try to better myself, so I'm not terribly surprised. I feel my enthusiasm for therapy is waning. Should I find a different therapist? I'm worried that if I wait two more weeks that he'll cancel again. I'm also considering just dropping therapy altogether. Any advice would be appreciated and I'd be happy to clarify anything if needed.

I’ve been seeing my therapist for almost 2 years and we’ve broached a variety of topics, but a big one is my relationship. I’ve talked about my relationship extensively and have been VERY ambivalent. It got to a point last session where I sounded very sure that I was going to leave my partner due to some financial and emotional differences we have been having. My therapist doesn’t like the way my partner treats me, and I don’t like it either of course so I have been learning how to stand up for myself, set boundaries, and communicate my needs. It had gotten to a point where I was enabling certain behaviors of my partners and my last resort was going to be leaving her.

My last session my therapist and I talked about exit planning, logistics of a breakup, who I can lean on for support, etc. She told me I was at the “when you know, you know” phase and helped me prepare for a separation.

Well…. It came time to have the conversation with my partner and I couldn’t do it. The dread and anxiety in my body is so overwhelming I become sick to my stomach. Our conversation didn’t end up being a breakup conversation - it ended up being me telling my partner what I can no longer put up with (I’ve expressed these things before but decided to give it one more go). It was a really difficult conversation but I’ve already seen improvement in my partners behavior towards me. I’m hoping this will last and am willing to keep trying but now I’m scared to face my therapist again because I feel like she is going to be so annoyed that I didn’t pull the plug. I have other things I want to talk about in therapy still, but am so nervous to show up again and not bring the news that we aren’t together anymore. I keep rescheduling to stay on her books, but any advice from therapist or client perspective if you have faced this?

Hi everyone, we run a neurodivergent support group, especially related to schizophrenia and psychosis. we meet weekly and then afterwards share our reflections.

i wanted to share the reflection from our last meeting with you all here,

https://www.schizophreniasupport.org.in/when-fear-fills-the-room.html

Please let me know your thoughts or feelings or any feedback.

Thank you

Hi all, have a confusing situation.

I had OCD, one of my OCD themes was concerns of psychosis, therapist had diagnosed me with a disorder which features this. I said I disagree with her so she told me to do some research, had me email her a document with the diagnostic criteria and my thoughts on them, and we’d discuss it next appt. She had some scheduling issues so unfortunately it’ll be over a month in between these sessions.

Anyways after further reflection realized I don’t have OCD given she herself has confirmed the related themes were actually correct concerns to have. I feel as though therapy would be a further waste of both our times. I messaged my therapist stating this and asked her to cancel all my appointments. She replied just with a “thank you for your email”, referencing the document from earlier, but did not acknowledge my text or cancel any of my appointments.

Unsure if I should send another message to confirm she’s seen my message, just show up to the appointment next week so I don’t incur the no-show fee, or what? Is this normal when a client tries to cancel appointments? Have any of you guys experienced this? 😭

A really close friend of mine that I absolutely adore has regularly seen a therapist for the past 4 years. We’re in our early twenties, and even though she is an amazing person, she has always some social difficulties regarding romantic relationships and finding a job. I feel as if she’s gotten so in touch with her emotions and the psychological reasons behind her behaviours that she just keeps finding ways to reason with those issues but not actually try to overcome them, just justifying them saying like “oh my father did this so I act like this” etc, which as an outsider don’t seem helpful at all. I’ve done therapy before (not for that long) and I do think it’s important for everyone to go, but at some point, especially if you’re really young, isn’t it too much? To constantly excuse yourself for not being able to do basic societal stuff, overthinking everything when for a normal person is just life? She never listens to our advice, every now and then she has serious outbursts regarding those issues towards everyone, outbursts that for a person that many years in therapy are not justified nor at a healthy level. For example she has had an outburst because my friends decided to start a job during the summer, which for her is “inconvenient” and she “doesn’t get it”, because usually at summer they would take a month vacation to their summer house. Maybe the specific therapist isn’t helping, but she really loves him. I just feel like we’re getting at an “actual” adult age and these problems aren’t getting solved or at least getting better.

Loved my T too much, couldn't cope and quit and now I have no slot and loooong wait list.

Has this happened to anyone else ? What did you do ? I am looking at other therapists in the meantime but it hurts so bad 😭

Cross-posted.

My child suffers from selective mutism and ADHD, which has led to significant overwhelm. After several months, I finally have the intake for a therapist to work with her. The first session is just myself and the therapist.

My question is: if anyone has experience with low-verbal children during therapy what might I ask for or look for in the intake to check if this will fit? What can I do to support the therapeutic relationship better? Is there anything I should specifically tell them about?

I hear it everyday from my friends and classmates, I go to school to learn about becoming a farm equipment mechanic, and my friends do the same. But the never let me do anything because they say I am just not capable or i dont know how to do it. They say I cant do the simpelest of things, but I know I can. They just always talk me down. First it never botherd me. But the last couple of weeks I just cant put up with it anymore. I feel like i have to proof myself to them or something. Im just done with it, I found what I like to do and no one believes I can it just destroys me over the last weeks.

Anyone any help?

My friend recently commented that when I’m going through hard times, she asks if I’m seeing my therapist and I’ll say “nah I’m having a bit of a break”.
It does seem to be that at particularly challenging points (eg family poor health, returning to work after a period of sickness) I have “gaps” of around 4-7 weeks from therapy.

I can’t tell if this is a pattern of me retreating into myself and “deactivating” the need to feel supported, or whether it’s natural/healthy to try to learn to use your own internal supports and reemerge once things are better.

I follow the same pattern with my friends and family and will hide away when things are hard.

I.e I have a gap of 5 weeks at the moment. I had an upsetting conversation earlier today and thought “god maybe I should book in a sooner session it would be nice to talk about” but then tell myself it’s childish and too dependent.

I don't understand why my online therapy experiences have been so negative. Has anyone had something similar happen to them?

I went through a horribly rough summer losing a loved one and went through three therapists over one website in particular: 1. was so booked she could only see me every ~4 weeks and didn't remember me it seemed, 2. didn't outwardly disclose on any of our calls that her main duty was to handle medications with patients rather than counsel them so I was confused why she was just trying to switch my medication and told me I should find a new therapist, and 3. I was finally excited to get a helpful therapist who seemed super similar to me and wanted to help, so I waited 10 days after our consultation and she missed our meeting and never messaged me back.

I understand this is online therapy, so it's maybe difficult for everyone involved with using technology, but I needed someone to talk to and nobody was there to help! I just switched to a new website, so hopefully I don't run into the same problem, though I was supposed to have my first call today and she it already had to be rescheduled after the meeting was cancelled hours before our appointment.

For example, I filled in a detailed sleep record for 2 weeks, including things like mood and triggers. Never looked at it again to actually move anything forwards with it. It reminds me of a lot of psychology and psychiatry books or online spaces that mostly only describe problems but offer little or nothing in the form of solutions.

Likewise I was given some behaviour chain analysis worksheet. But no help with the process of thinking about triggers (which aren't always obvious or can be myriad. Especially for behaviours that take up long periods of the client's day and often take a long time for the client themselves to notice they're doing) o​r with filling it in in general. Surely the whole point should be to look for ways to interrupt the chain, delay steps of it to increase the time for redirection before continuing the chain, and even better to look at the triggers and talk about them so they can cease to cause as much of a reaction or use the triggers as clues as to what is missing or important in the client's life and then look to if possible achieve whatever change the trigger reveals the client wants or needs. If the behaviour is creating a high risk of damaging relationships or leading to further psychological damage, interrupting the chain should be done quite urgently as a short-term fix. It makes no sense to me that it's all done by the client. Surely part of emotional support is to share the mental load and make the process more directed (eg pushing the client to focus on one thing a wise therapist should identify as urgent if it will get in the way of other things or cause damage to the client) and less lonely. Surely it makes sense to come up with ways for the client to interrupt the chain rather than leaving them to come up with or Google their own solutions (ironic, if compulsive googling is one of the problem behaviours and/or part of a chain of another harmful or unwanted behaviour - the lack of guidance is pushing the client towards relying on the problem behaviour) and then enact them - if they could do it all themselves they would have already. Add extra irony if any of the behaviours lead to a breakdown in the relationship between the client and therapist - so the very thing the client seeks help to prevent or address becomes what they're punished for, due to lack of sufficient early intervention.

honestly, when will they take you seriously?

i just need to vent a little sorry.
i was just at my therapist and she said there are worries about me and that she understood that my mom is really worried too (she came with me to the appointment). but then… nothing !
i have told my therapist multiple times im having suicidal thoughts, feeling very depressed and my ed is bad and ruining the entire family.
and she tries to help me a bit, but since im not in their programma yet (waitlist) i feel like she won’t do anything really. we still haven’t made a crisis plan and i can only see her once in two weeks.
i know she tries her best but she is still in school for her masters and idk. she also told me my ed wasn’t that unstable since i’ve never had a tube for example. and that triggered the hell out of me. (which she understood when i mentioned it but still)
i hate how the healthcare systems works. if you have comorbidity you can never get the right treatment and the waitlists are endless.
i feel like i should actively starve myself for a week or att*mpt to make clear how much im struggling. i feel misunderstood and disappointed. :(

sorry just had to get this off my chest.

Hii, I am a final year undergraduate and I have my therapy going on for many years now. I will now be shifting to a full time role in India. Just really scared of how things will be. I might go in a startup or might go in a mid size company. I don't know how to ask for a time off for my therapy or what if I am not allowed to take a time off. Really bad with corporate stuff. My therapist is only available on weekdays uptill 5:30 pm

Any advice or suggestion can be really helpful for me.

My ex gf (19f) and I (25m) are considering going to therapy, but I have concerns that the age gap and the ages would not let anyone take us seriously. Me and her met working in a restaurant together and became friends, we have a friend group all around our ages. And we soon became best friends and then much later after talking for 4 months after having long talks about how we would go about our relationship and a lot of talks about sharing a power dynamic and having our own voices to be heard so one doesn’t feel manipulated we decided to start dating. She was 18 and I was 24 at the time. We went to a vocational school for phlebotomy and both got licensed together. We both landed jobs but on the complete opposite part of the spectrum. Her job from 6am to 12pm and mine 4pm to 12am. (She’s PRN and I’m full time) We tried our hardest to communicate but I messed up big time and was continuously stressed from my job and wasn’t communicating with her the best. I would call her after work and just go straight to sleep on the phone. A lot of problems started piling up that I couldn’t deal with at the moment because my company holds an evaluation every month as I was being pressured to do work study’s and promote (I work in a lab). We would still meet up once or twice a week but it started to get strained because I was permanently tired.
4 months later she broke up with me. But during the week she broke up with me I got promoted and evaluations stopped and Im able to focus my time and efforts on her. I went to cognitive behavioral therapy to fix my sleep and to help change myself for the better but she’s not trying to hear it. We’ve been in contact talking about our problems ever since. I asked her one day if she would go to therapy with me and she said she would. I would love to go even if it just means we go to work on a peaceful closure but I’d love to reconcile and make amends with her. I’m not new to therapy so I said it in the spur of the moment but when she accepted and I started trying to find a schedule is when it hit me if this is even worth pursuing. She expresses she’s ready to move on and heal and I’m going to see if I can heal myself and make amends with her and get a major part of life called relationship down right and see if we can reconcile or if I can learn and do better for my next relationship.

Edit: I’m concerned that we’re too young to go or if it’s even something worth getting into. I know there’s a possibility that we would get judged and not taken seriously and if this step is a step worth taking.