​

Without ever needing to make an effort to, your existence itself was enough to keep me here, to pull me away from my plans of an early end.

I know I was an absolute idiot more than once, and that at times I fail to be able to gaze your form, understand you without conflating who you are with my own pain and selfishness, dear lord, I know this so, so well. I also know we are both aware that saying I'm sorry for those times is a bit meaningless, yet, let me say it still, I'm sorry. I'm trying my absolute best, I swear. And yes,

It never, ever gets easier. I'm aware I have what is necessary to keep going, but there are days I can't access it, I can't help but be a crying mess on the floor, barely human, I can't help but cling to you as a lifeline, to talk with you in my mind, to use your fire to not freeze to death, sometimes this ocean of love that I feel is the only thing strong enough to keep me here.

I know, it is a very selfish and childish thing to do, but I improved you see? Now I can do it in silence, on my own, I don't impose myself nor ask anything, I don't breach your space nor have any demands.

There's absolutely nothing else you need to give me, not even your presence, I can go months without hearing a word from you, yet, there's never been a single day where I didn't hear your voice in my mind.

So, while I'm burning, do you forgive me if I rely on you still? If I use your voice to keep me sane? If I use the fact that you simply exist to not give up? If I think of you as my oxygen? Feel my heart pumping your essence as if it were my own blood? Do you forgive me if, only to myself, only in my mind, while crumbling in these walls, I think of you as my world?

God, I hope at least 1% of the gratitude that I feel towards you can be conveyed when we talk, thank, thank you so so much. If I needed to go back in time and do my entire life again, I wouldn't change a single thing, just to ensure I can still meet you in the same way I did.

I know that, eventually, you will need to leave and just like a magic trick, I won't ever hear from you again, I hope that when this happens, you are deeply aware that to me, I will feel as if you never left, because you became a permanent part of me a long time ago.

I know you get annoyed by people telling you thwir dreams.

In mine though, you invited me to dinner. I was so happy because I had not seen you in a while. When I arrived, there was a small group of people, including you. I wanted to sit next to you, but you encouraged me to talk to this other man that I didn’t know who seemed too eager to talk to me which made me uncomfortable so I left unannounced.

I was proud of myself for leaving because I thought I would be eating dinner just with you or you and your family.

I am sure this dream just illustrates that I miss being more of a part of your world. I am hopeful we will be closer again someday. I know you need your space and I need mine too.

Your life is quite a bit more full than mine, so I get how distracted you are. Just know that my happiness doesn’t depend on you or your behavior. I just miss being silly with you. It is really fun being around you, even if we are just watching a movie or you are working on your project, showing me the steps.

I hesitate to ask directly to hang out again. I admit I am afraid of being rejected now, even as a friend. It feels really vulnerable - especially considering that dream. I still do not have many friends up here and I am really really picky about the company I keep and how often I see them too.

Tonight I am going to see a movie with my older friend and her daughter, so that will be nice. It isn’t the same as hanging out with you though. At all.

I miss your quips and silly little jokes, our banter, your quirks, your kids, and your family.

My birthday is coming up. Yes, September. And, I'm not sure what is going on in my life right now, but I feel like I'm going crazy because this birthday feels a little different this year. Back to my hometown. Where HE is.... And, he knows I'm coming. And, he knows exactly where I will be! And, this isn't just any type of man, this is THE man! The 1 I have been in love with my whole life. The 1 I have been searching for my whole life. Could it be time??? Then, what if it isn't? Is it time? No way, it can't be time, look at all the mess! But, what if it truly is??? Ughhhh... I'm losing my mind here lately, I swear. Emotions are high. I'm all over the place. Please, please, just wake me up when...... September Ends!!!!!!!

But I never loved to gain anything. Love is an irrational fire. The only thing I ever wanted was her happiness. Her peace. Hers, whole, separate, free.

"Trust me", she said. I did. I still do. Time has stripped me of almost everything, but not that. The trust remains. Almost nothing.

Almost.

But I am not haunting the ruins of what could have been. I live. Fully, the way I always have. My life did not stop where we fractured.

If I stay, it is by choice, and choice is the only thing that makes staying mean anything. I swore I would not vanish, and I keep my word. But a promise is not a leash. Whatever pain I carry, I carry standing. Two people drowning save no one.

She went back and forth. Ghosted me. Told me I was nothing. Then came back, face wet with tears, begging forgiveness, and I gave it. I always will. But forgiveness is not amnesia, and mercy is not my throat offered up.

Her mind may be shattered. Life took a hammer to her, and I don't pretend to know that weight. So let me be what she once asked: the one who stays.

But I stay at the door, not in the fire. Where she can find me, not where she can bleed me. The day she truly tells me to go, I will honor it, even if it splits me open.

Until then, I remain. Whole. Standing.

Because the one who stays is worth nothing if there's nothing left of him when she finally reaches out her hand.

My heart is aching. I have so much on my plate that needs my focus right now, but my mind is caught in the loss of you.

I just want you to be happy. I want you to feel love. I want your years to be peaceful and bright.

I’ll never understand why things came to be in this way. I’m scared of what comes next. I don’t know where my life is going.

But between the two of us, if one of us is able to walk away with a sense of certainty about where we belong, I’d say it was all worth it.

It saddens me that you find your certainty in a life that does not include me, but to be upset about that is to be selfish.

I wish for your happiness and a life full of love, above all. Just don’t forget to remember me from time to time, okay?

❤️🖤

I understand your mind is used to of constant battles, and you feel the need to impose yourself, you try to act all mighty and strong, and you feel others cant see through that deception.

But guess what, I have played those games far far better than you, I can read you through and through, the insecurities, the lies hiding beneath that facade, are so visible. You think I am sacred of you yet I am feeling pity, the attention is given out of care and empathy not fear.

Let me stay nice, and count your blessings. I am not good with keeping up with bullshit. Dont think my leverage as a sign of weakness. Dont push me that I end up breaking your tiny ego.

Yours truly

Love that you dont deserve.

I will be gentle with you, always, not because you're fragile, but because gentleness is what you were owed and never given. What happened to you was not your fault, and I refuse to let their failures write your story. So watch me. Watch me stay when it would be easier to go. Watch me prove, day after quiet day, that not everyone leaves.

Give me your hand. Not because I'm asking, because it belongs there. And once your fingers are laced through mine, understand this: I don't let go. Not when it storms. Not when you doubt. Not ever.

You deserve love that doesn't flinch. Loyalty that doesn't waver. Commitment that doesn't come with conditions, respect that doesn't need reminding, honesty that doesn't hide, and intention in every single thing I do for you. You are not too much. You are not a burden to be managed. You are a study I'll never finish, worth learning, worth loving, worth choosing again every morning I open my eyes.

And here's my truth, plain as I can make it: loving you isn't something I do. It's something I am. And I love loving you.

Estoy aprendiendo tu nombre

No sabía que uno podía enamorarse

de un conjunto de pequeñas cosas

antes de conocerlas por completo.

Creí que el amor llegaba de golpe,

como llegan esas historias

que comienzan con una mirada

y terminan antes de que uno pueda entenderlas.

Pero contigo

ha sido diferente.

Contigo ha llegado despacio.

Como la luz que entra por una ventana

antes de que uno se dé cuenta

de que ya amaneció.

Estoy aprendiendo tu nombre

en gestos que probablemente

nadie más notaría.

En la manera en que apartas tu cabello

cuando el viento se empeña en desordenarlo.

En cómo bajas la mirada

cuando algo te avergüenza.

En esa pequeña sonrisa

que aparece antes de que empieces a reír.

En la forma en que dices mi nombre

cuando quieres llamar mi atención,

como si incluso una palabra tan sencilla

pudiera sonar distinta

cuando sale de tu boca.

Estoy aprendiendo tus manos.

La manera en que sostienes las cosas,

la forma en que las acercas a ti,

la suavidad con la que me tocas

cuando no sabes que estoy prestando atención.

Estoy aprendiendo tu voz.

No porque tenga algo extraordinario,

sino porque empiezo a reconocer

cuándo estás feliz,

cuándo estás cansada,

cuándo algo te preocupa

y finges que no.

Y quizá eso sea enamorarse:

comenzar a reconocer

lo que nadie más escucha.

Estoy aprendiendo tus silencios.

Los que no necesitan ser llenados.

Los que me enseñan

que estar contigo

no significa tener que hablar todo el tiempo.

Amo las tardes contigo

porque todavía no tienen recuerdos.

Y eso me gusta.

Porque no necesito mirar hacia atrás

para encontrar algo hermoso.

Lo estoy viviendo ahora.

Estoy aprendiendo que puedo sonreír

sin que haya ocurrido nada especial,

simplemente porque apareciste.

Que puedo mirar el teléfono

y sentir una pequeña felicidad

antes incluso de leer tu mensaje.

Que puedo escuchar una canción

y pensar:

"Esto le gustaría."

Y quizá ahí empezó a cambiar todo.

Porque ya no se trata solamente

de las cosas que descubro en ti,

sino de las cosas que descubro en mí

cuando estoy contigo.

La parte de mí

que creía haber desaparecido.

La que todavía se emociona

cuando sabe que va a verte.

La que sonríe sin darse cuenta.

La que vuelve a sentir

esa impaciencia absurda

que creía reservada para la adolescencia.

Y me sorprende.

Porque pensé que después de todo

ya sabía cómo terminaban estas historias.

Pensé que enamorarse otra vez

sería simplemente volver a cometer

los mismos errores con otro rostro.

Pero no.

Quizá esta vez no quiero saber cómo termina.

Quiero saber quién eres

cuando estás cansada.

Qué haces cuando tienes miedo.

Qué cosas te hacen reír

hasta que te duela el estómago.

Qué sueños todavía no me has contado.

Qué partes de ti

todavía no conozco.

Quiero descubrirlas sin convertirlas

en la idea de alguien que necesito que seas.

Porque no quiero enamorarme

de una versión inventada de ti.

Quiero enamorarme de ti.

Incluso de aquello que todavía no conozco.

Y quizá eso sea lo más hermoso

de estar enamorándome:

que por primera vez

no estoy mirando hacia atrás.

No estoy intentando recuperar nada.

No estoy buscando en ti

a alguien que ya perdí.

Te estoy mirando a ti.

Y por alguna razón,

después de tanto tiempo,

eso vuelve a sentirse

como la primera vez.

Triple U will lift its restrictions starting in October

Listen you guys.
I hate being the heavy here.
I’m not a gatekeeper.
I’m a cage destroyer
I want my faith in humanity restored.
So we will try to go back to the original format of trust and Optimism come October.
If you see any abuse of the rules please report them to Reddit or to the mods.
Please have a safe and spooky October.
Love
Love
Love is all you need!!

Thank you for your time. And always please look out for each other.

Boo,
U_U_U
The Unethical Tyrant

Ps. I see your downvotes and I eat them up like candy. 🍭

You can't even respect me enough to talk to me! You just need to move on. Find your own life & stay out of mine. You kno, the 1 that you were hell-bent on ruining for your whole life? You won, ok? I don't know what you won, but does that make you feel better? That you have absolutely destroyed my life to the point of no return! Let me be, g-d it! Find someone else to harass & obsess over, get the f out of my life! You ruined all of my hopes & dreams. Are you happy now????

I had a break down today. I cried more of the day then I didn't. I looked at pictures of you and cried some more. I read motivational healing quotes and educational notes and cried some more. I listened to music, I wrote or I'm writing and cried some more.

There is some unhealthy hurt part of me that would be vindicated to know you experienced the same debilitating emotional carnage but the logical part of me knows the likelihood of that is low if not zero. At best I occasionally haunt you. Even then I'm so unsure about what was honest and what was a lie and if there was any truth in any of what we made. As if I haunt you...let alone cross your mind, I might not even be a memory.

I had a breakdown today and I cried. Forever wasn't wrong but how forever was experienced isn't what was meant.

I remember all those times that i saw you with her

Saw a glimmer in your eye

Seen that before, hadnt i, sir

Moving quick to gain composure when I came through that door

You looked at me with sly pride whilst she stared at the floor

Others say, yeah she knows him \*very well\*

pushed those comments aside

Didn't want to acknowledge the truth, that your body language failed to hide

I noticed all the hushed tones and conversations

when you failed to acknowledge my presence

Both caught up in each other, spilling secrets,

no awareness of those around you

No awareness that I know you both

Too well

And you gave yourselves away

Every day.

You think youre being clever sneaking outside

To hide

But failing to acknowledge

We see it from this side

Early morning pick ups- just those few extra minites..

Wearing joggers, easy access for your \*visits\*

Seats down in the back when privacy and time you lack

Get her back

To her husband

Send her flowers, buy her drinks

Keep a new friend around-

Let her be the eyes and ears

Your self made, groomed up little \*beard\*

Seasonal banter, shared hoodys, new gifts

Sneaking off for your little \*lifts\*

All the things I feared were true

And i cant pretend i never knew

But i chose not to acknowledge

Because my heart would be abolished

Not by jealousy, or longing, or anything crazy

Just the final nail in the coffin,

that the relationship was no longer a maybe

In my mind

But a fact, I did find.

I recognised the majority from how you used to treat me

Am relieved in hindsight- I did not pay that fee.

I wonder..

.. where are you both now?

Expanding the family you never wanted..

Or riding out another row..?

Its been a year and some change since I stopped talking to the girl that prompted me to start posting in this group. And I thought I'd be over it by now and most days I do feel like it is a bygone era. But some days I feel a strange pull, like something isn't right and she's the only thing that's on my mind. I just woke up from a dream where my family, for some reason, was at their house cooking for some type of get together. The thing is whenever I have a dream like this I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't belong. The people I cut ties with in the dream approach me and treat me as if nothing ever happened, like the relationship was still on-going and healthy. I act like I normally do and I can tell that they think something is off.

Part of me thinks that it's a glimpse into another dimension or timeline where I didn't decide to leave, where it worked out and im living with a bigger family full of life. Where I wasn't caught up in my pride to see that she might've just needed some time to work out her feelings for me. I don't know anymore, and maybe I'm not as good as reading people as I thought. But I can't see my self reaching out to that person anymore, I've sealed the deal in my mind and heart.

Im hoping that one day I'll just find a girl that can fill that hole in my chest effortlessly but that's wishful thinking at best. I was genuinely happy in the few months we were hanging out and haven't been able to replicate it since. Im not trying to replace it per se but the few times I'm stuck on thinking about it are some of the worst times.

You weren't made for victory. You were made to stand, to remain upright where everything else collapses.

And that... has to be enough.

Once again, it seems your ego is a royal manor where your beautiful mind is never invited, no more than your feelings for me. You built such elegant walls. I hope they keep you warm, since nothing else is permitted inside.

Allow me to apologize for the inconvenience I caused. If nothing else, you proved I wasn't crazy. That alone is a strange kind of gift, and I'll take it, I've learned to survive on less.

I'm not blaming you. It is what it is. You forget me, again and again, the way tides forget the shore they've touched a thousand times. Perhaps forgetting is easier than admitting what remembering would cost you.

But let me keep one thing. Let me cherish the way your voice trembled when confronted with something as insignificant as mine. A tremor doesn't lie. Walls tremble only when something behind them is still alive. For one unguarded second, whatever you buried stirred, and I heard it.

I won't ask for your tears. I won't blame you for withholding them, for refusing to mourn what I was to you, what we might have been. Grief requires memory, and memory is the one door your manor keeps locked.

So keep your fortress. Keep your forgetting.

I'll keep the tremble.

Not for anything other than to give you some answers.

It’s hard to wrap my head around everything that’s happened in the last 3 years, at least, I think that’s the time frame.

I’ve been dealing with something big enough that it takes the forefront to every thought and feeling I have.

And I just wish I could tell you a few things.

You probably don’t care if I live or die, but the battle for that is definitely about to get real.

I’ve been a passenger in my own body for a long time and once I beat this, I don’t even know how it’s going to feel to be in charge of myself. .. I don’t know anything any more really, other than this is a nightmare. I’ve been terrified for a while now, long enough in fact, to leave me feeling mostly void.

I stopped by your dads today and saw the picture of you guys on safari (one of my faves) and it was like driving a knife through my heart.

Everything has been unfolded for me and placed neatly in front of my mortality. I might even still be in shock a little bit. We are still stabbing ant answers and have more tests to do, but the first couple rounds of treatment put me under for a while. At least we are finally getting answers.

Knowing what I know now, all I can say is, I am so fucking sorry. Regardless of my state of mind, I take full accountability for my actions. I only wish I could tell you.

We hurt each other. Regardless of whose fault anything was, I loved you more than I could ever hope to articulate, I love you still, and I can’t imagine what any of this felt like for you… I know that it killed me.

I don’t know what the next year looks like for me only that I may not be recognizable in the near future should our paths cross again.

I love you and I hope you are okay.

I’m going to put a small clip of one of the very bazaar side effects of having a “symbiote” on my profile…. Then possibly try to figure out something I can do that I enjoy.
It’s like everything has been and is still in the process of being rewired.

I wish someone could fill in a few of the gaps that are plaguing me… but I don’t even know if that would help.

I don’t even know what my favorite kind of ice cream is anymore, but I suppose the bright side is that I get to try everything for the first time all over again.
I honestly just wish I could try some of it with the person who was once at the center of my universe … I don’t even know if we’d like eachother…:

I don’t know much of anything except I miss a few very important people.

The eyes refuse the sunrise when the far is all you know, you wrap yourself in a hollow grace to find the ground below. Building a shrine of phantom hope around a crumbling frame, swallowing down the bitter pill of every whispered shame. The lies are woven like tapestries, the mirrors start to bend, the gaslight casts a crooked glow on where the truth should end. You see the cracks you feel the chill and you turn your gaze away, because to face the wreckage would mean a total end of play.

You want them as a savior in the temple of your heart, you built this golden character and loved them from the start. And to admit the mask is empty? To concede the ghost is cold? Is to forfeit all the currency you gave them from your soul. So you swallow down the manipulation as quiet as a stone, and shiver in the architecture while you weep alone. The agonizing brutality of unmasking this heavenly prize, and watch the fantasy dissolve beneath the waking eyes.

I am undeniably consumed by you. You already know our eyes don’t lie when we lock in, the rest of the room simply ceases to exist. I may be pulled into other rooms I cant escape from, but walls and physical distance mean nothing to a connection this powerful.

I see you trying to keep your composure to protect what you’ve built. To protect your heart which is damaged to many times. I would never do anything to hurt you or your success. But let’s be entirely honest with each other: blurring those lines wouldn't ruin anything, because we are simply too smart to let them see it.

Yes, we are surrounded by an mixed audience. There is that small group already trying to separate us watching closely, trying to ensure we are rarely alone, putting quiet measures in place to create distance. But they have no idea who they are dealing with. We shouldn't suppress this just to appease them. We should cross that line because we can do it right under their noses.

You and I are smarter than our whole audience. We know exactly how to keep a secret. We could play this in the shadows for years if necessary. We can leave them in complete oblivion and laugh about their blindness behind closed doors.

A chemistry this rare is unable to be walked away from. We just need to meet away from the fluorescent lights, completely outside of these walls of composure.

You are not delusional. It is not your imagination. I do make a point to walk by when you are around. The witty jokes, the heavy glances, me making my presence known it’s all intentional. We are souls recognizing each other.

Let them stare blindly at the elephant in the room. We don't have to wait to have this. We are smart enough to have it all, completely undetected.

Lets admit what we both already know. Lets start building even if it is in the dark clouds. We can build our own world of light there.

Fears

Before I met you, there was one thing that I feared more than anything. I have always feared it. That fear and my attitude towards its subject shaped me in no small part.

The process of that fear leaving was not straightforward. I did not lose it exactly when I met you, nor when I fell for you.

This change within me happened because of the shape and form of the connection I feel to you.

I can not say, I can not know, how this connection feels to you, not really. Yet something in me remains convinced of a different truth.

I wonder if you can guess what that fear was.

I wonder if you know why it is now gone.

I'm here! Waiting for you! All my life, to be exact! You know, the recent events have put me to a point in my life, again, where I am asking, what is going to happen to me? There's so many things I could've done in my life differently, to where I would not be in this position. However, you seem to keep me within certain boundaries of your own! You also have me blocked in every single direction that I could possibly turn! Where are you?? When are you coming?? Is this just a terrible joke that you have played upon my poor soul?? You say you love me. But, words are just words if there is no action to back them up. I hope that you have this all figured out. I'm growing weary. And very tired. Definitely tired of all of the games.... I love you. Will you please come love me too?? Xoxo

What if we both thought "f*ck it" and crossed that line?

Would it be so bad?

Could we weather the storm?

Would we survive the fallout?

Maybe people will talk and disapprove, but would that really matter in the grand scheme of things?

Why must we always prioritise other people's happiness over our own?

Sometimes, you just know something without words being spoken.

And we both know.

Time escapes us. The years they fall away.

Let's not waste another moment. Tomorrow is never promised.

We are two halves of a whole.

I would bend and break all the rules for you.

Will you fight beside me on the battlefield?

You turned 23 yesterday but you don’t celebrate birthdays anymore. I wanted so desperately to reach out to you but after our last falling out I figured it was best, although I don’t believe everything you said was true I’m glad you got those feelings off your chest. Mom would be proud of you and the things you’re accomplishing. I never tried to control you I only ever wanted to protect you as a big brother does, as I wish our older brother did for me. I’ll always cheer you on even if it’s from the shadows.

Dear,

There is this unfamiliar ache that rests in the pit of my stomach. It’s almost foreign; it’s been so long since I felt the pangs. Sometimes it climbs to my chest, tightening around my heart, mimicking an attack I’m certain I won’t survive. I only feel it when I envision you with your future. With the one who makes your heart sing. The person you’ll wish to make music with. The person who makes your heart flutter, your pulse quicken, and your palms sweaty. The person who gives you butterflies by simply sharing space and time. All the things you do to me. Unintentionally. Effortlessly. Devastatingly. Someday I know someone will hold that empty space; they’ll make you understand why the wait. Perhaps you’ve already found her, I think, with a sinking heart, as I try not to dwell. And as much as I want that—because who better to deserve this than you?—I must admit I only see shades of green.

Signed,
___