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Without ever needing to make an effort to, your existence itself was enough to keep me here, to pull me away from my plans of an early end.

I know I was an absolute idiot more than once, and that at times I fail to be able to gaze your form, understand you without conflating who you are with my own pain and selfishness, dear lord, I know this so, so well. I also know we are both aware that saying I'm sorry for those times is a bit meaningless, yet, let me say it still, I'm sorry. I'm trying my absolute best, I swear. And yes,

It never, ever gets easier. I'm aware I have what is necessary to keep going, but there are days I can't access it, I can't help but be a crying mess on the floor, barely human, I can't help but cling to you as a lifeline, to talk with you in my mind, to use your fire to not freeze to death, sometimes this ocean of love that I feel is the only thing strong enough to keep me here.

I know, it is a very selfish and childish thing to do, but I improved you see? Now I can do it in silence, on my own, I don't impose myself nor ask anything, I don't breach your space nor have any demands.

There's absolutely nothing else you need to give me, not even your presence, I can go months without hearing a word from you, yet, there's never been a single day where I didn't hear your voice in my mind.

So, while I'm burning, do you forgive me if I rely on you still? If I use your voice to keep me sane? If I use the fact that you simply exist to not give up? If I think of you as my oxygen? Feel my heart pumping your essence as if it were my own blood? Do you forgive me if, only to myself, only in my mind, while crumbling in these walls, I think of you as my world?

God, I hope at least 1% of the gratitude that I feel towards you can be conveyed when we talk, thank, thank you so so much. If I needed to go back in time and do my entire life again, I wouldn't change a single thing, just to ensure I can still meet you in the same way I did.

I know that, eventually, you will need to leave and just like a magic trick, I won't ever hear from you again, I hope that when this happens, you are deeply aware that to me, I will feel as if you never left, because you became a permanent part of me a long time ago.

I know you get annoyed by people telling you their dreams.

In mine though, you invited me to dinner. I was so happy because I had not seen you in a while. When I arrived, there was a small group of people, including you. I wanted to sit next to you, but you encouraged me to talk to this other man that I didn’t know who seemed too eager to talk to me which made me uncomfortable so I left unannounced.

I was proud of myself for leaving because I thought I would be eating dinner just with you or you and your family.

I am sure this dream just illustrates that I miss being more of a part of your world. I am hopeful we will be closer again someday. I know you need your space and I need mine too.

Your life is quite a bit more full than mine, so I get how distracted you are. Just know that my happiness doesn’t depend on you or your behavior. I just miss being silly with you. It is really fun being around you, even if we are just watching a movie or you are working on your project, showing me the steps.

I hesitate to ask directly to hang out again. I admit I am afraid of being rejected now, even as a friend. It feels really vulnerable - especially considering that dream. I still do not have many friends up here and I am really really picky about the company I keep and how often I see them too.

Tonight I am going to see a movie with my older friend, so that will be nice to see her. It isn’t the same as hanging out with you though. At all.

I miss your quips and silly little jokes, our banter, your quirks, your kids, and your family.

My birthday is coming up. Yes, September. And, I'm not sure what is going on in my life right now, but I feel like I'm going crazy because this birthday feels a little different this year. Back to my hometown. Where HE is.... And, he knows I'm coming. And, he knows exactly where I will be! And, this isn't just any type of man, this is THE man! The 1 I have been in love with my whole life. The 1 I have been searching for my whole life. Could it be time??? Then, what if it isn't? Is it time? No way, it can't be time, look at all the mess! But, what if it truly is??? Ughhhh... I'm losing my mind here lately, I swear. Emotions are high. I'm all over the place. Please, please, just wake me up when...... September Ends!!!!!!!