Im currently 16 quit school and dont plan on going back ever ive been skipping school since age 11 and family treats me badly sometimes for that i also tell people im never working when they ask my job status and they look at me weirdly and some even get kind of mad and give me this whole speech about how i should go to school and work, i constantly argue and try to convince them that life is much more then that but it almost feels like they cant comprehend that and their idea of “life” is just work work work sometimes i feel like the only sane person i think life is too short and beautiful to slave it away for most of your life.

I’ve heard many arguments that transphobes have made against the existence of trans people and against the accessibly of trans healthcare, as a trans man myself, and the older I get the more I realise just how stupid and easily dismissed the arguments themselves are, like these are arguments made by such stupid people.

Arguments against gender affirming care for instance…are never based in fact because they’ll say that it’s harming the children when it is EXTREMELY rare for kids to go through the surgery’s and if they do then it’s a decision made by the child, parents and medical professionals. Or the argument that it’s irreversible, most surgeries, no matter what they are tend to be irreversible, but the surgeries for gender affirming care can be reversed by another surgery if that needed done.

And the worst argument is that gender affirming care isn’t needed because cis people don’t realise how much base gender affirming care really covers…because it isn’t just trans people, it’s cis people too. Yes it includes FTM and MTF bottom and top surgeries and facial reconstruction for gender affirmation BUT it also includes things like gynomastia (?) surgeries, breast reduction, menopausal care, hysterectomies…all of those fit into the category of gender affirming care and yet they affect cisgender people too.

It also annoys me when they see trans healthcare as similar to plastic cosmetic surgeries because they’re not the same. Same doctors sure but…wanting plastic surgery isn’t something you need a medical diagnosis for, plastic cosmetic surgery is not widely considered a treatment whereas gender affirming care through hormones and surgical intervention is the only proven treatment to alleviate gender incongruence.

And another thing is that when any trans person argues that they’re depressed or have certain thoughts because of their dysphoria, they’re told by people that they’re too mentally unstable or unwell to get surgery but the reason we feel like that is because we don’t have access to the surgery in the first place! It’s a stupid little circle of misery.

Every made revolves around people’s lack of education and critical thinking to an extent.

Sorry, I’ve been hearing these arguments a lot over these past few days and just needed to vent some frustration.

Why do they think they're so clever? Do they think I don't know I'm fat? I hope they don't have fat family members who see them picking on fat people for just existing. I have plans to lose weight but my body is my business. My husband doesn't mind that I'm fat. He loved me when I was skinny too. Because when people truly love each other, love doesn't change when your body does. My husband is skinny but he's starting to gain weight too because tbh I'm fantastic at cooking so he ends up getting like 3 plates. People's weight can change throughout their life. Let's not base the value of a person on that.

There isn’t really a flair warning for this but I guess warning I talk about fights with an animal? Idk my girlfriend doesn’t like to hear about it she’s a big animal lover. Which is why I’m writing it here.

I live on my dad’s farm and I do most of the work with the animals every day and I don’t mind it I like doing it. The pigs have always been great, the rabbits are fun, the chickens are chickens. The sheep are the bane of my existence. They have 80% of the farm space to themselves the rest divided between the other animals so even when I’m with the other animals they’re there. The girls aren’t the problem and the younger boys are fine too for the most part but the oldest male is my enemy. Laugh if you want but he is literally the devil I just can’t prove it.

Sir, I took care of you your whole life and you ram into me full speed every day. It’s a dominance thing, yes. I assert my dominance every time and every time you run away in fear. Do you not learn? I have kicked you. I have thrown rocks at you. I go out to the farm equipped with brass knuckles for your thick thick skull.
Note: he is fine. I am not abusing this animal, if anything he’s abusing me.
I’ve tried peaceful solutions. I’ve talked with other farmers and I know this behavior isn’t out of the ordinary for rams. But if you have experienced this then you should understand the anger and frustration I have. I’m writing this in a fit of rage because I was just knocked on my ass while installing a scratching post for that ungrateful little bitch. He’s the biggest, the oldest, and he’s already fathered children. He was going to be the male goat we kept while selling or butchering the rest but now? NOW? You will pay. You will reap what you sow and I will favor every bite. Your son (who is very nice to me and was originally next in line for the butchers) will take your place. And you will take his. In my belly. My only regret is I won’t have the pleasure of doing it myself. I hope you burn in hell, Smudge.

​

So I (22F) work as what would be seen as like an internship? Where instead of being paid a normal wage like other workers I'm instead compensated with a living arrangement and other amenities.

I recieved a shared living space that I've been in for almost a year now, the first roommate I had was a nurse and she was abysmally dirty, the next became a close friend of mine and we got along super well with no issues living together, my current one who is moving out tomorrow was the worst I've had in my life so far.

She would never do the dishes, buy anything at all, use and steal my stuff, never flush the toilet and leave 'residue' on the floor..etc.

She was also super unlikable, rude and ungrateful.

However, since she's leaving tomorrow, This means I'll be receiving the next roommate until I move out at the end of September. I'll be moving in with my partner, so thankfully i know I'll have some peace of mind THEN, but,

Before that happens, I have a month of holiday I earned from barely ever taking days off. That month begins next week, and my new roommate who is moving in THIS Friday claims she would like if my boyfriend NEVER visited OUR apartment as she is of a certain belief system (islam) and she 'cant be in the same room as a man'. I don't know if I'm overreacting, but is that not just messed up?

I've worked so hard and gone through so much unnecessary rubbish to earn this month off, in an apartment that I also earned, and I can't have my boyfriend who I've been with for ages over because of her own lifestyle. I want to be empathetic and respect this, but she also doesn't even work at our company anymore and is just staying here until she finds her own place.

It feels extremely selfish and inconsiderate to me. Especially since we live in a pretty forward and open minded country (Germany to be exact..)

I don't understand why or how I'm supposed to follow this rule without absolutely losing my mind. I now have to spend extra money that I really don't have to hire hotels to be able to share a room with him, which I don't see why I should do when I've earned this holiday time. I don't want to have to constantly seek out a new bed and place to be with the person I love , because putting on a piece of cloth is too much effort when they accidentally cross paths when she needs the toilet or something.

I'm trying to be peaceful and accepting, but the feeling of entitlement I'm getting is making me so so heated.

I've personally never heard of such a rule either. My father is also of that belief system, and he's never mentioned this. I am not though I can still respect her lifestyle and her practices.

I still find it unfair. I also find it unfair to constantly have to her prayer music blasting 5 times a day, as I can sometimes hear that from downstairs where she currently lives..

Or the fact she yells when she has her friends over, who has a baby that screams often

How is all of that okay, but I can't have my very quiet and respectful boyfriend over?

Edit - to add, I can't stay at his place because his parents are pretty abusive and his family is extremely dysfunctional and were super mean to me. You'll probably see that in my other posts lol. He also stays over a few days at a time now and then because he can reach work better from my place, and he can't at all from his parents. He is going to have to quit his job this week due to this, which I won't mention to her because I don't wanna make her feel bad

I'm an Atheist. I'm 60. Sometimes I accompany my Christian wife to church with my adult daughter and her husband. I decided years ago, "going to church" was not my hill-to-die-on. So I spend an hour a week, standing and sitting and listening, and standing when they sing and all the normal party games.

One thing in particular gets on my NERVES! Why do people stand with their arms extended upwards during singing? Why? God (if there is one) isn't some sort of radio signal you need to orient yourself to like your television rabbit ears from the 60's and 70's. You're not getting any better "God Reception" standing like some animatronic dim-wit half-rotating back and forth trying to get the right position. Stand still you knucklehead! Put your arms down.

Church is (barely) tolerable as it is. These people bug me. You're not a radio antenna. You're not gathering extra God-Vibes by putting your arms up like that. Please make them stop.

BTW, this would make a great Key and Peele Saturday Night Live skit. Some "Church Lady" carrying a giant 1978 roof-top style radio antenna into the sanctuary (her husband with TV rabbit ears with aluminum foil). SMH

I was a truly charismatically gifted kid, once I forced my parents to fill the forms for the ultra popular tv-show franchise and they did it…
I had to pass 2 selections to make it ot the proper studio show, before the show my parents got a contract and were asked if they wanted to sign it. They read the contract and realised that the whole show looked a bit like a slaver for kids, because if kid would get sick, it still would have to participate in the show, u had to live on the show and follow the strict schedule, all of that without any parental control.
And I was absolutely ready for that, I always wanted to be famous and do smth cool, but my parents fcked it up.
They were afraid of sending me to this show, but they were absolutely fine beating me up daily and kicking me out of the house.
My classmate that got a chance to participate in it got the fame and it worked really well for her, but not for me. Unfortunately ,in our small town where everyone knows everything about everyone ,people knew that I been to these selections and even noticed me on some shots from the show what played a big role in my reputation cause I was seen as a failed participant.
As a child it’s much easier to get into the industry, but as an adult it is hard AF.
My parents could do at least one thing right, and they fcked up. I would rather be used by the producers and managers what would bring me fame, than by parents what brought me trauma only.

I am sick and tired of the indifference of “family”. People are so self absorbed and caught up in BS pity parties that they don’t prioritize what matters and then whine about shit for years. They wouldn’t be walking around “overwhelmed” with guilt and emotional constipation if they cared beyond themselves. I am so disgusted and fed up with how people treat each other and then demand sympathy for their self created drama. It is horse shit. Takers seem to be outnumbering the givers exponentially and it is getting old. I hold my peace and try to never add to situations but, damn. No one gets out alive and treating people any way you want, acting entitled, starting feuds over petty issues and constantly cycling through hateful moods is selfish. It is all about them, what they need, what they didn’t get and no mind for others whatsoever. I am tired of the lot of them, never a “how are you?” With a lick of genuine curiosity. Gross. Taking people for granted is a theft. I love them but I damn sure don’t have to like them.

I am 22M just applied for graduation for university. Over the past year I basically been feeling horrible about myself. I have only 1 friend, never been in a relationship ever before no first kiss, holding hands nothing. Watching people my age and younger just hanging out w/ friends, going on dates and stuff just makes me feel so far behind. I tried making friends in university but I was never too good at talking, and considering I had a 3 hour round trip commute to and from there it didn't help. For me it feels like it takes so long to connect and feel comfortable with people. I play basketball at the same place for 5 years and even some regulars i met 5 years ago I barely talk to, some sure I can have conversations with but most I can't. Now that University is basically over I don't have much going for me. I have a part time job, and while I am trying to get career focused/full-time roles, it is not going well at all, I can't even try to make friends cause I don't really go anywhere and I don't like going out. Whenever I want to go out I end up flaking last moment and I want to stop doing that but when the times comes I always end up nothing going. WIthout university it feels like I can't meet new people, make friends, get a girlfriend, it kind of just feels hopeless for me. I never have anyone to talk to, while I can talk to my friend I just don't like talking or even being vulnerable to people. I've ended up using like AI to just vent my feelings and stuff and I know that isn't a solution but I can't help but bottle up my feelings otherwise. And recently my friend told me he got a girlfriend and when he told me that I got this weird feeling in my chest. Like it was kind of hard to breathe and heavy feeling, it went away after a while but idk its not me not wanting him to have a girlfriend, but its me just wanting that too. Hes my only friend but he has so many other friends. He's usually going out and stuff while I'm either at home, basketball, or work. Those 3 things is all I do and my routine basically. I want to make plans to go out, I want to not feel lonely, isolated and stop feeling this shitty way, but I get in my own way flaking at the last moment, stop being jealous and envious of people my own age or younger experiencing things I haven't before. I know I shouldn't compare but I can't help it. No Career, No Girlfriend, No Friends, and I just feel alone. This has been going on for like over a year. Last year added to this list is me not having a job but thankfully i got lucky and landed one after countless rejections. But now I just feel like im so late, I am graduating, and I haven't had any career related experience, haven't really experienced going out with friends and stuff like other people, never even had a girlfriend. It just makes me think I am a loser and I don't like that I feel this way. I don't feel this way constantly but sometimes when I see some people going on a date, or just a group of kids just hanging out with each other, I really can't help but think "I wish I had that". The feeling comes and goes but when it comes, it's there for a long time and I can't seem to stop feeling like this.

I know this won't sound like a huge deal, but it deeply bothers me, so please be nice.

I'm 26 years old and constantly get told I look like a teenager. It's like almost every day. Anytime someone finds out I'm 26, I know the first thing to come out of their mouth will be: "Really, I thought you were 16!"

I know everyone and their mother will say "Take it as a compliment, you'll be so grateful when you're older!" but right now it is NOT a compliment. I'm not a 40 year old woman right now. I don't wish to look younger than I am; I want to look my age. I feel like people don't take me seriously and view me as a child because I look like one. And I hate being reminded of that. Plus, I am married and planning on having kids soon. I hate the thought of strangers looking at me and thinking I'm a teen mom.

Plus, I don't even know for sure if I will continue to look young when I'm old. I could hit 40 and immediately get a bunch of wrinkles. To say that I will be grateful when I'm older is not only dismissive, but it might not even be true. Also I'm not someone who is afraid of getting old/looking old. I think aging is beautiful and shows all the years you've been on this earth. I look forward to the day where people will not see me as a child.

So many people live their life as a permanent victim.

Like grown ass men and women acting as if the world is out to get them, everyone hates them and why does everything bad always happen to them mentality. However, if they do anything wrong they have 100 excuses or reasons why they are not to blame.

I dated someone for a year (Much longer than I should) Who lived life as a victim. When I stood up for myself and told them they are not being fair suddenly I am a bully and I always blame them for everything. Turns out shouting, cussing, swearing and mind games are okay when you are upset. However, telling them to take responsibility for that is not.

People like this can not just have a normal conversation and be open. Its either they are always right or they are the victim.

The amount of adult toddlers in the world who always have to be a victim is scary.

I haven’t slept in 24 hours i just got home. I’m so fucking tired i feel like im gonna collapse yet when i put head to pillow it feels moanable good but sleep doesn’t come. Im crying about stupid things that i wont care about tomorrow yet barely shedding a tear. I hate myself for some reason this feeling never goes away no matter what I do. I have no idea what the root cause is I just want someone to fix me. I’m not even on my period so there’s no other excuse for me acting like this. What the fuck is wrong with me.

College starting again next week but last year was an absolute shithole. Idk if i’m exaggerating but i didn’t really have any friends just like awwauintences i would sometimes talk to in class. Maybe that’s cuz i was just doing weed and pens and on highs and lows in my own little world but i want it to be better this year. A fresh start even tho im going same colly. Then I get a text from my college about my first class and it’s the same fucking teacher. Just made me realise nothings gonna be different it’s the same i just want to die.

I tried quit weed like a week ago for the exact reason i want more fulfilment in my life. Quitting is going alright but why the fuck do i still feel like this. I genuinely make an effort to pray aswel. Why do I feel like this. I don’t get it i’m doing everything how i’m supposed to why the fuck can’t things start going right for me for once in my fucking life. Is that too much to ask really.

I don’t understand God i quit weed for him im praying for him what more does he want. What the fuck can i do to feel peace and content. I don’t fucking understand is he that harsh that strict what is it. I don’t know man just this pit in my stomach and urge to cry always comes back. Always. And without a doubt. I fucking hate it like a cloud is always following me wherever I go. I can never just be happy always bringing the mood down of everyone around me. I get so sensitive about things even tho i won’t show it.

What do I do. How do I fix this.

I know, many people say, you sure will find someone compatible again, there are still other men out there that you can love just as much one day and who would never leave you.

Maybe. I know that you can fall in love again in the future even if you can't see it now. But sometimes, you're just not able to find someone as compatible again and who you have this much in common with. Sometimes you just can't top that.

It feels impossible to imagine dating someone else or entering a relationship even if I'm in love just because I will never reach that level of compatibility again.

Yes, there sure are good and loving men out there.

And yes, maybe someone in the future will share the same humour and also likes hiking.

But I will never be able to find someone who's complementing my soul in the way that my ex did. I just won't. And I will always feel like there's something missing because I've already experienced the biggest level of compatibility.

I will never be able to date someone else if back in my mind, I just have the thought that I've already found the Man of my dreams and experienced a soul tie and probably the biggest love of my life.

Life had different plans for me when he lost feelings in the end of our relationship. Life's not fair.

It's easy to say that "it's not the love of your life if they left you". But maybe he was my biggest love. Even if I love again in the future, no-one could possibly ever be this compatible.

Edit: to everyone saying "you weren't as compatible as you thought if he broke up with you": Sometimes you just lose feelings and you can't control it. Doesn't mean something has changed or that the relationship wasn't happy or you just weren't happy with them, it can fade while you still feel happy and compatible with them. But they just turn into something like a very best friend over time. And that's okay, you can't control it. But looking for other reasons to understand why he left me doesn't change anything. It doesn't change that TO ME he was the most compatible person I could ever imagine and that I can't imagine that someone else could ever have this much in common with me. Yeah, i may fall in love again and feel happy with someone and have a healthy relationship. But knowing that I won't ever find again what I had with him just makes me really sad and lets me question every new partner.

Every time I see a skinny girl post her outfit, the majority of the comments are ALWAYSSS accusing her of body checking. Omg I’m actually so sick of it and I’m not even skinny. What do you want her to do, hide her body 24/7? She’s beautiful and she’s allowed to post herself. Can women please just exist? IN PEACE?

A curvy woman can’t exist without “sexualizing herself” a skinny woman can’t exist without “knowing what she’s doing”
I’m sorry! but not every TikTok of a woman is a body check! Sometimes she literally just likes her outfit and wants to show it off. Sometimes she likes how she looks. Sometimes she’s just taking a fucking picture.

And nobody cares that you suddenly don’t feel like eating anymore! That is not some random woman’s responsibility to manage for you!

Now that is September, I’m reflecting on how this past year has gone. I’ve spent most of it working, and depressed. I’m 22 and I’ve just more or less accepted that I’ll always struggle and life will always be dissatisfying. I look around at people my age working important jobs, maintaining serious relationships, even starting families. I’ve done nothing. I work minimum wage at a service job I hate. I work hard but it’s never enough. Growing up I didn’t have a good childhood. Lots of instability and anxiety and neglect. My teens weren’t much better, my sibling and I couch surfed after our mom died. I’d say things only started to feel “okay” once I became independent. I started working at 20 and I’ve been doing everything myself since then. I love the control adulthood gives me, that’s it. My baseline feels more relaxed as an adult but my life is just so pathetic. It seems like everything that can go wrong does and if it doesn’t I’ll end up sabotaging in some way anyway. I wish I could’ve had a normal childhood and lived a normal life. I wish I was like everyone else. I hate my life and I hate what’s happened to me.

We were joking around, and like having a good time. But he went in his room and I banged on his door, and I ran away to my room closet. Then he got really fucking angry and pressed my twin brother and like i knew something was wrong so i locked my door. And he went like absolutely fucking crazy banging on my door till his fist bleed, and waiting out my door for 20 minutes. And he was so mad. I don't understand what I did, he's from thailand and stuff and just moved to the us. He's 21, I'm 14. Did I do something wrong?

I got scammed for 25 dollars in a very stupid way. I use a service to buy redemption codes for ps store and their support reached out for a survey and they said I would get a discount on whatever game I want after that. I ignored it at first and then they messaged me again and I thought okay. Long story short I checked everything only after I made the payment and I realised I am not talking to the actual support. They also asked for more money but I didn't send and they deleted the chat. I contacted the bank and they told me to go to police but people online say police won't give a shit (this is not US just in case). I am very lost and sad, I bawled my eyes out and I feel like my entire month, if not 6 next months are ruined because I made this stupid mistake. It's not big money, but the fact that I fell for it is what hurts so bad

I just saw a video that irritated me. I can't stop thinking about it. It's of a woman whose goat gave birth to 3 babies. One was smaller than the other. She starts to claim that the mom goat was rejecting the baby. ( which I wasn't seeing: no kicking, ramming, biting, refusal to let the kid nurse, or ignoring) She does not attempt to get the mother to accept the baby she's "rejecting"; instead, she takes the baby goat inside and starts bottle-feeding it and sets up a little area for it with blankets and stuff. Puts the goat in a makeshift nursery with her toddler and her toddler's toys.

What particularly annoys me is that she's blaming the goat mom for " rejecting the baby" when, in reality, she wanted the baby because it was extra little and extra cute. Just admit it. You wanted to bottle-feed this baby and hold it and shit.

It's like those people that kidnap fledgling birds, claiming their parents abandoned them, rejected them, or are ignoring them. NOOOOOOO LADY, leave the baby birds alone; you just want it because it's cute. The mom is right there, but your big ass is scaring her. Not to mention, most times they get sick of the animal within a year when it's no longer a tiny cute baby.

This happens to sea turtles. " The sea turtle was left behind/hatched late/ was stuck/ went then wrong way, so naturally we had to take it back home"

No, girl, you stole a baby sea turtle. Now when it gets massive, you're gonna dump it back on the beach when it becomes a burden. Then it'll die because it's been living in your bathroom for the past 6 months instead of the sea.

I'd bet my bottom dollar that this lady will eventually put out this baby goat once it's no longer cute. (specifically around the time when the goat no longer bottle-feeds)

I hate people who collect " abandoned baby animals"; most times they don't actually care about these animals' well-being. They will do everything in their power to ensure they get to keep this baby. A lot of the time, they're the ones who end up dumping this animal because, yeah, a chick is cute; a chicken? Not so much. A baby opossum is cute. A large opossum? Not so much. A baby sea turtle is cute. A ginormous grown sea turtle? Not so much.

They never think of the animal. Only themselves. What happens when eventually you have to put out this fawn because it's now a deer? How will this deer survive? What happens now that this bird is older and it flies about the house and squawks really loud? Now you want to clip its wings or put it out.

Look, I'm not going to sit here and say nothing ever happens. Sure, stuff happens. Sometimes mother goats reject their babies. Sometimes you need to bottle-feed animals. You gotta do what you gotta do. Sometimes keeping an animal in the house is better than leaving it in the wild. Animal parents have and will attack or abandon their babies. The reason I don't think this is the case is that the kid is on blankets, propped up next to her baby, on blankets, surrounded by human toys. Why can't it be outside with the other goats? And she said that " she is the goat's family now." Yuck. Your "family member" will be so confused when she's eventually tossed out with the other goats and hasn't learned goat behavior and doesn't understand why you don't want her anymore.

i don't know what it is but i just always feel like i've done something wrong. Every single time. For example, i'd go to a friend asking if could vent and they'd say yes and then i would and i would feel horrible. Like i've just burdened them with all this and i'm a bad friend because i definitely don't listen to them as much as they do be- even if that friend just doesn't ask to vent even if i've made it a safe space. Then i feel like THEY KNOW i did something BAD and that they HATE me for it and that they are just waiting for an apology so i say ofc "i'm sorry for burdening you with all this..." and then i feel worse because they always reply with "you're not a burden." and either i believe it and i feel bad because i've just made myself out to be desperate and pathetic or i don't believe it and i feel worse because i just made them feel bad enough to want to lie to make me feel better so they don't have to deal with me. i thought i had gotten better with my self-loathing but idk. And it just fucking sucks because when i'm upset the only thing i want is comfort and i guess since i never got that when i was upset growing up- and still don't- I have craved it. But because i've never had it i have no idea what to do with it so i just throw it in the guilt cycle or the "yea i don't believe you" bin. It's really annoying because if say i feel ugly and i tell someone that they always say you're not -out of politeness- and then i feel like they are lying to me so they don't have to deal with my emotions because they are too much to deal with and i feel guilty for making them feel like they have to lie to me. IT"S SO FUCKING ANNOYING> i just want some peace man.

Hi, even writing this is a bit hard for me. Sorry if it seems like rambling.

I feel like I am never truly myself with anyone. Now mind you, I don't feel like I'm putting on a performance (at least most of the time), but it's like I can never show my whole identity to one given person. It feels like no one will ever truly know me but myself. Maybe I feel like no one will ever listen or care.

I have had therapy before for similar reasons and i thought it helped back then, but now I realize that I probably just lied to myself. I want to go back to therapy again but it's so hard for me to actually feel like I'm not lying when I'm talking about myself. I do not know if I actually am, or if that feeling is just a weird defense mechanism to make the process of sharing uncomfortable for me so I stop.

I do not know why I am this way or even if I actually am this way rather than all this being me thinking about this too much. Feels like that is kind of part of the problem.

Ever since I was little I was in my own head too much. Daydreaming, or just in general always thinking about something. I don't think I can ever stop my mind from working on something. Not in an overthinking way (I think), but then again how would I know. But also maybe everyone has it like this and I'm just making theories for no reason just to make myself feel good. But I don't know. I just feel really lost.

I don't even know what the point of me writing this is. Maybe just to find someone else who relates.

Thanks for reading if you got this far :))

It happened after school but i think still correlates. I stopped just to check on Google maps where my school books package is gonna get delivered cuz I delivered it next to school instead of next to my home and some ([put here any slur]) (these who judge everyone while having 2cm layer of face powder on my face) I don't even know keep saying and yelling my name while laughing in between expecting me to come to them so they could humiliate me even more. This happened outside school but still has people from school and it happened right after school. I hate humans overall

I’ve been having an epiphany these past few weeks.

I’ve started kinda forcing myself to dig deep in therapy to the point of crying, cause, a lot of the time I don’t feel good about myself, I don’t feel capable of anything, I don’t feel competent at anything useful, and anything I’m good at or care about like art, literature and history, doesn’t pay the bills and society doesn’t care. I’m burnt out of my shitty office job im not going anywhere in that company

I hear my father’s voice in my head anytime I mess up about how I’m a bull in a china shop, how everything would be fine if I had some more finesse about myself. Hounding me about it all my life, like his shit don’t stink. Then like cause of him I keep questions everything I do cause I wanna be a good man I don’t wanna be anything like my dad I wanna be the man he never could be.

When I’m honest with myself, I’m terrified of taking any steps, cause I don’t think I’m good enough, I keep using my traumas from last year my dad getting arrested and learning he’s a monster, and my ex’s treatment of me as an excuse as evidence that I’m not good enough. I feel like I could be using it as an excuse to not do anything about it.

I’m sick and tired of being fucking scare of everything and change, I’m sick of not sticking to routines. I feel lost, and pointless, and I want to change cause there’s gotta be something useful im good at that would make me money. I’m fucking terrified, but I know I can’t find out if I’m good enough for anything if I don’t try.
It’s just I feel so pointless, and not good enough, like I should be grateful for my station in life and just accept it.

The office job I work, I’m not going anywhere I’m checked out, aside from the money, I’m here for the insurance the flexible schedule, and I get to listen to audio books all day.

Speaking with my therapist and a couple of friends, I’ve told them about how, in this point in my life, with the time I have, and the debt from stupid decisions I’ve made, what’s best for me is to find a 2 year course or cert, that helps me make more money than I do now, and hopefully later actually pursue my passions.

Cause, I don’t have the money to go to college and study English or history, cause, I’m not gonna get paid to describe my interpretations of Steinbeck and my fascination with the Mongol empire and cultural exchange.

Since I work in a healthcare company I’m looking at things that, I can see myself doing, and I could utilize my connections.

Radiology Tech and Pharmacy Tech/Management.

I’m looking at these two because, healthcare seems to be safe, both are 2 year programs at my local CC that I feel will be affordable.
My passion is not healthcare however, I do like to help people, I do give a shit about people. It’s one of the few things I feel competent in, is giving a shit.

My friend said he could see me as a nurse but, after taking care of my grandmother while living with us. I’ve got the patience and the compassion I do not have the stomach, for bodily fluids and anything related to pricking.

I’m also considering paralegal AS cause it’s a similar length program, that has elements I’m interested in like writing, and researching also could dabble into history in a way.

I’m also open to trades because I like how machines work, however, i live in Florida and prolly will be here for awhile, and i don’t do well in the heat, i sweat excessively even just taking out the garbage.

I just do be honest i don’t know if i can do any of this i know i wont know until i do anything about it, but im terrified cause im not the best student. I love to learn, i love to read, i wasnt good in school. Dogshit at math. I only passed cause the teacher pitied me cause she saw I was trying.

I had a 2.3 gpa.

My strengths and what I do care about are humanities, literature, history, art.
I’m scared also I’ll get a taste of learning more and putting work into a history class or something and hate myself, for not pursing my passion. I don’t know what job I could do, but I’d love to do something in History, Anthropology or Archeology but I’m poor. I already have credit card debt from stupid decisions I feel even talking about.

I don’t know how to believe in myself, everyone says that’s what I need but, it’s so goddamn hard, weirdly enough, I’m more scared of blinking and being 30 and nothing having changed than I am of failure. I feel like I have potential for something but I also don’t feel like I’m made for society, or it doesn’t agree with my values or what I’m good at.

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I have a long history stemming from unknown autoimmune issues (my FANA was homogenous and 1:1280), with multiple systemic flare ups monthly. I have malabsorption and weight issues (I can not maintain or gain any), and on barium swallow was shown to have some dysmotility in the middle of my esophagus (my swallowing has been impaired for a while now).

I've been consuming 4,000 calories daily to gain weight because I keep involuntarily dropping, and my energy is wiped. I instead lost 3 pounds the past 2 weeks. My dietician feels I need to have a tube placed because high calorie isn't doing anything, and at this point, I am struggling to function and keep up with life. I have tried everything and feel saddened its reached this point..

I guess I am hoping to find some encouraging words or maybe someone who had personal insight to tube feeding.