I don’t remember a time in my life where my dad was ever financially stable. My parents haven’t been together since I was baby and I’ve always lived with my mom they didn’t even do a custody battle bc he still gets to see me whenever but they both know its just easier for me to live here. My dad is always in group homes or sober livings, and this past year he relapsed and I’m ngl I was mad at him for it. My little brother on my dad’s side is only 7 years old. My dad has time to find a place to live and make a decent amount of money so he can provide everything he couldn’t for me. I’m irritated he relapsed bc he needs to just lock tf in. Obvi I have never struggled with addiction but he was doing really good for a few years I will give him that. But your baby mama would be pissed if she found out u relapsed when you preached to her she needs to be sober in order to keep seeing ur son. I love my dad and he was never like terribleeee but he just needs to grow tf up. Hes been asking me for money at least once a month during 2026 meanwhile i pay for ALL my school myself. My mom always asks me to ask him for help but thats just an outlandish idea to me cause I know bro cannot afford it 😭 at one point they both said they would give me 100 each a month and I haven’t gotten anything. Idc abt my mom paying for my school or not cause shes provided for me in every other thing I do, but my dad its just like cmon bro. I take 8 classes each semester and I have 2 jobs please just make this ONE thing the slightest bit easier for me. The one time I DID ask him for money for school he said he would start to help, the next week he literally asked me for 20 dollars. I’ve honestly just given up on that dream of my dad maybe being able to help me out financially. I know money isn’t everything but I can’t help but be jealous whenever my friends say they get help from their parents to pay for their school. If I ever decide to have kids you will NEVER catch me asking them for money. This guy even asked me to buy him a vape once and I had to tell him ‘dad I’m 18 thats not legal in az to buy a vape’ and this guy could say was ‘oh right I forgot’ bro please go read a book and NO im not talking abt the bible

My job pays decent and it is structured. I don't want to lose it. But it will likely go away due to automation. An NT coworker told me "Well, they still need janitors to empty the trash or scrub shit off the toilets. That's structured, right?" and everyone laughed. I reported all of them to HR. HR said it wasn't a violation because "they were joking, lighten up". So fuck them.

there is a lot at play here so i don’t really know where to start but i have a very long history of mental health problems. i have diagnosed anxiety and depression and have been on 2 different medications for it and have recently been diagnosed as autistic. my depression comes in waves and i do have extremely low periods and some average to high periods but it’s been a constant low and lower as of recently.

i finally kind of got it under control with medication but my mum has been constantly nagging me to come off it as soon as i felt better so i did—and since i moved home for a few mow the i kind of had to as she said she can always tell when im on it or not.

the problem is here in that, i did 3 years of a university course that my mother wanted me to do, which made me so depressed i genuinely did not leave my room, shower or eat properly for almost a month. i have to stress how serious this was, even while on medication it took a lot for me to get out of it.

now that i have changed my course i have to pay up £9535 to pay for next year, so i got a job. if i work all this year and next i’ll be able to pay it but it will be close. i just really worry that since my depression isn’t well managed even with medication and event worse now that ive been off it, that i will risk losing my job if i have a slump again and then get deeper into my problem. im so nervous for the coming year

i have asked everywhere if there is anyway i can access additional funding for this year and its been a no everywhere. so my job is my only option. i really worry that i will overwork myself to pay for next yr and get myself in an even worse situation where i have no job and no money… i literally just can’t win and i have no one to talk to to get it off my chest, i feel like it’s just a heavy topic to bring up when im not really that close to anyone.

I recently moved 2 1/2 hours away from my small town of about 2,500 people, to the city with a total population of over 100k people. I've done this for school, which has over 30k people attending it. Of those over 30k people that go there, I know about 3, none of which are in my major, and 1 more that doesn't go to school, but I am living with. This truly feels like a world of a difference

I've joined 1 club, and am in the process of joining another, but I have truly met anyone. It's usually me initiating it with a "Hi, nice to meet you I'm ___," and then I never speak to nor see this person again.

I know it's only early days, I mean I haven't even lived here for over a month, nor gone to college for more than a week, and I know that stuff like this takes time. I know that believing in yourself is key in times like this, I just kinda figured it would be a bit easier than this.

What if I fail, never achieve anything, reach none of my goals, meet nobody, and don't have the typical college experiences I would love to have? What if nothing goes right? I do not want to fail in any of these aspects, and I've been trying to keep these negative thoughts away, but damn is it hard to do that all the time. This overall uncertainty is killing me.

I'm just scared of not living up to the standards and expectations I've set for myself man.

My partner has been mostly jobless the past six months, meaning that every penny I made has gone towards keeping us afloat. Today out of desperation he sold his game boys and games, but also my Wii games that have a lot of sentimental value. He got about 25% of what they’re actually worth, and I feel like I’m ready to check out. What kind of life is worth scrounging and selling childhood memories for? I’ve never had a good relationship with my sister, and now the only positive physical thing I have from our childhood is gone for less than $50. I feel sick to my stomach. I’m so tired of living month to month with nothing to show for it, now I don’t even have my memories.

This is def a happy vent, but in order to understand, I need to mention where I started. I've had issues with family, trust, anxiety, depression, identity, creativity, self-love and trauma. I've been in therapy for a long time, but I didn't really start making the progress I needed until I found my current therapist like 5 or so years ago.

I've always been a creative type and not really been able to connect with it for whatever reason. About 4 months ago, I had accidentally forgotten to fill my script for Zoloft. I went for like a week without it, and I started feeling emotions I hadn't in a while. Around the same time, I had seen a YouTube short from a comedian I like about how when she was on SSRIs, it did stop the sad, but it killed her art. With the feelings I was getting, I wondered if that might apply to me. So, after several years of having success in therapy, I decided it might be time to recalibrate and get my baseline by going off a few of my scripts with my therapist's guidance.

I was looking for solutions to the problems that I was working on that moment and so I knew I needed a lot of change. I stopped smoking weed and it's been about 3 or so months. So, after learning the hard way, I weaned off of Zoloft, stopped taking Wellbutrin and Sertraline, but kept my Vyvanse.

During that moment I mentioned earlier where I had forgotten to refill my script and started feeling things, I was watching the anime "Agents of Four Seasons" and I found myself crying. I haven't cried over an anime since I was 18 and I'm 40 now (But by most accounts, I look 25. ;-D). But it wasn't sadness. It was catharsis. It was release. The show is beautifully animated, high production, great narrative and I love the main character Hinagiku. The show just moves me to tears on an artistic level and I love it. I've never felt so connected to art in my life. It felt so good. ; ;

If you are curious about what got to me, I believe its EP 12 "Assault", where Hinagiku recollects her trauma. The voice actings is really good it sold that second half of the EP. "How could you?" Just that phrase alone gets tears to well up. IYKYK.

I'm so happy because I feel so connected to my emotions. I have such deep appreciation for anime and art in general. There is nothing like a great anime in western media. The characters, the concepts, the art, the direction, exploration of dark or philosophical themes. I just love it. And it makes me so happy to love it.

It seems like it was true. Zoloft was helping me when I needed it, but it was making it harder to connect to art and be creative. And it did help me. It was useful, but I did the work and now I'm strong enough to deal with whatever residual emotions I need to work on.

As far as creativity goes, I have been able to create more. I play guitar and I've been trying to make music forever. I finally have been able to work on music and make progress on this one riff I've had in my head for like 4 years. I can play bass as well and I know how to make drumbeats on a DAW. I was 18 in the early 2000's so I'm into rock and post-hardcore style stuff. It's been nice making progress on this. :)

I also love stories too. When I was in high school, I would write fantasy style stories instead of paying attention in class and I think that ties to my love for anime. So, I have some ideas for a character, and I might start writing again as well. I jot down notes when I can and see what I can flesh out.

I'm a slightly contradictory person. I've always been socially anxious and dealt with crippling stage fright, but I've always wanted to be famous. Not for the sake of the fame itself. But I want to be acknowledged as great for whatever reason. To offer something that affects people. And not to be stinking rich. I live somewhat frugally and I just want enough to know that when I get older, I don't have to worry about struggling. I just want to leave a mark on, if not the world, at least my city.

Every day gets a little better. Even if I take a step back, I haven't stopped taking steps forward. Wish me luck and thanks for reading. :D

i don't know what it is but i just always feel like i've done something wrong. Every single time. For example, i'd go to a friend asking if could vent and they'd say yes and then i would and i would feel horrible. Like i've just burdened them with all this and i'm a bad friend because i definitely don't listen to them as much as they do be- even if that friend just doesn't ask to vent even if i've made it a safe space. Then i feel like THEY KNOW i did something BAD and that they HATE me for it and that they are just waiting for an apology so i say ofc "i'm sorry for burdening you with all this..." and then i feel worse because they always reply with "you're not a burden." and either i believe it and i feel bad because i've just made myself out to be desperate and pathetic or i don't believe it and i feel worse because i just made them feel bad enough to want to lie to make me feel better so they don't have to deal with me. i thought i had gotten better with my self-loathing but idk. And it just fucking sucks because when i'm upset the only thing i want is comfort and i guess since i never got that when i was upset growing up- and still don't- I have craved it. But because i've never had it i have no idea what to do with it so i just throw it in the guilt cycle or the "yea i don't believe you" bin. It's really annoying because if say i feel ugly and i tell someone that they always say you're not -out of politeness- and then i feel like they are lying to me so they don't have to deal with my emotions because they are too much to deal with and i feel guilty for making them feel like they have to lie to me. IT"S SO FUCKING ANNOYING> i just want some peace man.

I've been chronically ill for the past 2 years (which ofc sucks for many reasons) i used to dress pretty alternative but since I've gotten sick I've mostly dressed for comfort. Whenever I'm able to actually go outside and get dressed up all of my clothes feel like they're not mine, like I'm cosplayin. This illnes has made me hate my body in and out and i hate that it's taken so much from me. I can't even enjoy dressing up anymore 🥲

I’ve heard many arguments that transphobes have made against the existence of trans people and against the accessibly of trans healthcare, as a trans man myself, and the older I get the more I realise just how stupid and easily dismissed the arguments themselves are, like these are arguments made by such stupid people.

Arguments against gender affirming care for instance…are never based in fact because they’ll say that it’s harming the children when it is EXTREMELY rare for kids to go through the surgery’s and if they do then it’s a decision made by the child, parents and medical professionals. Or the argument that it’s irreversible, most surgeries, no matter what they are tend to be irreversible, but the surgeries for gender affirming care can be reversed by another surgery if that needed done.

And the worst argument is that gender affirming care isn’t needed because cis people don’t realise how much base gender affirming care really covers…because it isn’t just trans people, it’s cis people too. Yes it includes FTM and MTF bottom and top surgeries and facial reconstruction for gender affirmation BUT it also includes things like gynomastia (?) surgeries, breast reduction, menopausal care, hysterectomies…all of those fit into the category of gender affirming care and yet they affect cisgender people too.

It also annoys me when they see trans healthcare as similar to plastic cosmetic surgeries because they’re not the same. Same doctors sure but…wanting plastic surgery isn’t something you need a medical diagnosis for, plastic cosmetic surgery is not widely considered a treatment whereas gender affirming care through hormones and surgical intervention is the only proven treatment to alleviate gender incongruence.

And another thing is that when any trans person argues that they’re depressed or have certain thoughts because of their dysphoria, they’re told by people that they’re too mentally unstable or unwell to get surgery but the reason we feel like that is because we don’t have access to the surgery in the first place! It’s a stupid little circle of misery.

Every made revolves around people’s lack of education and critical thinking to an extent.

Sorry, I’ve been hearing these arguments a lot over these past few days and just needed to vent some frustration.

My mom is bipolar and has depression and anxiety. She's been depressed and just sort of done with life my whole life, according to my half-siblings, especially after I was born. She was done being a parent long before. My dad died when I was six. Obviously, that made her worse. Now, I'm almost sixteen, and she's just so depressed and angry. She's not on any of her meds anymore. It was something about her mental health meds conflicting with her medical marijuana card, so she chose the pot.

Shes used to say she was going to stop vaping and smoking. Today, she said "Who cares. I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna do this for the rest of my life and then die." I've grown up around that my whole life. My mom has this thing where she just seems like she wants to die. She jokes about dying a lot. I hate it. I already lost my dad, and she thinks she can joke about dying for sympathy to me. I remember driving with her once at night after a doctor's appointment for me, and they asked the usual questions about if I was suicidal. I said no and they mentioned something about intrusive thoughts, like wanting to drive into a tree and stuff. My mom jumped in to say yes, she absolutely feels that all time. On the drive home she started going 90 mph on the highway, like weaving between cars. She does this stuff all the time that tells me she doesn't care if she or I die.

Its not like I can tell my dad about it. My siblings are grown and don't have to be around her all the time. Until I move out, I just have to try to help her and live with her. She makes me feel like I'm going to go insane. I think she's mad at me for how like put together I am? I don't know. I'm on track for college and med school and whenever its mentioned, she starts talking about how the world is going to end anyway, and how she could never be a doctor because she hates people too much. If I talk about how I want kids she tells me, her son, that I'm going to regret it and she'll go on and on about, "yeah? You think you could like/love your kid? Just wait until they're a teenager. The world's going to end anyway though, not like you'll have kids." Our house is filled with doomsday foods and books and supplies. I hate it here. I just want to graduate, get my undergraduate diploma, and then go to med school out of state.

I'm scared that she's going to hurt herself or die, and I'm going to be alone with it, like with my dad. I can't be an orphan. I don't know what to do or how to help. She hates me, she hates herself, she hates being alive; I don't know how to help her. I'm not exactly scared she's going to commit suicide, but I'm scared she's going to be careless and end up dead.

About 7-8 years ago, I quit a job I loved because it was too overwhelming. What tipped me over the edge was a particular coworker. She was very nice, and socially we got along, but she was completely incompetent at her job. I ended up doing my job (which already was too much on its own) AND a substantial portion of her job because she literally could not function. I was working over 100 hours a week, and she would arrive late and leave early. I have no idea how she kept her job; the only thing I can figure is that she talks a good game.

I landed another job that seemed more sustainable, at least at first. I love it even more than my previous job. However, over the last few years the workload has been steadily ratcheting up while staffing numbers remain the same. A few months ago, a coworker I worked closely with quit because they got burned out. It was such a terrible loss to our department. They were truly amazing at their job, and we worked well together. When I found out that my former coworker was hired to take their place, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach. I could not rationalize how the most competent person I've ever worked with was being replaced by someone whose incompetence pushed me to quit a different job.

So, what did I do? I plastered on a smile, pretended to be so excited for this happy reunion, and welcomed my no-longer-former coworker to the team. It's been just under a month since she started, and my bosses are already shifting her work in my direction because they know I'll make sure it gets done. Right now, it's under the guise of "helping her get settled," which, fine, sure, I'll help out because being new is difficult. Leading with compassion and understanding certainly seems to be a good strategy for team unity. Who knows, maybe once she settles in, things will be better. People change, right?

For now, I'm embracing the chaos and doing everything I can to document/CYA to protect myself when things go completely south. I'm not going to throw her under the bus, but I won't cover for her either. I just hope that change will come before I completely burn out.

Im currently 16 quit school and dont plan on going back ever ive been skipping school since age 11 and family treats me badly sometimes for that i also tell people im never working when they ask my job status and they look at me weirdly and some even get kind of mad and give me this whole speech about how i should go to school and work, i constantly argue and try to convince them that life is much more then that but it almost feels like they cant comprehend that and their idea of “life” is just work work work sometimes i feel like the only sane person i think life is too short and beautiful to slave it away for most of your life.

Or dentists offices should be open better hours. Id take either.

I started my new job last week. I have no PTO, and taking an unplanned day off on your second week is a bad look at best. I discovered today, I have a dental abcess. This is classified as a dental emergency, so I start looking. There are 100 dentists offices near me. 90 of them are open monday-friday 9am-4pm, or some other standard work day variation.

Maybe 5 are open until 6pm, which would be great for standard dental work, but this will be a longer procedure, so those are out.

Then there's the "24/7 dental emergency offices". Which are actually just call directories that route you to other places, if anywhere at all.

That left me with 2 options. One that is open for 4 hours on Saturday, and is booked out until late October, or a place over an hour away that doesnt take insurance.

I have a dental emergency, but my best bet is to go to urgent care for some antibiotics to bridge the gap until I can hopefully get a walk in appointment on Friday when we get to leave early. I have an emergency, but a hospital cant do anything for me until the abcess ruptures and I go septic, and even then all they can do is stabilize me. Id still have to go into a dentist.

Like, imagine this but with any other emergency. Oh, you cut your hand really badly? Unfortunately the stitching doctor is only open monday through Friday from 10am to 3pm and closed for a 2 hour lunch from 12-2pm. You broke your leg? Well all we can do is give you some Tylenol until you can hopefully get a walk in appointment at the bone clinic because their appointments are booking out 6 months.

And I get it, no one wants to work nights and weekends, but you're a DOCTOR. You chose healthcare (so did the hygienist and receptionists, I dont want to hear it). Just one dentist, on call. Or a surgen who doubles as an oral surgeon. Or a dentists office open nights and weekends.

It shouldn't be this hard to get emergency treatment.

the worst thing is when everything is hard and there is no one there for you, to hug you, to tell you everything will be okay.

Believe it or not, the last time I had a hug was in my childhood from my parents.

Every day I go to the tea shop not to drink tea, but to see the girl at the cash register. I have a crush on her and every time I see her, I wish she were at least my friend. But I don't even have the courage to ask if she's interested, and I don't even know how to approach or talk to girls.

Some days I swear I'm ancient, and I haven't even hit 40. I'm inconvenienced by things that once felt exciting, or at least tolerable, but now are in the “absolutely aggravating” category.

Concerts don't start until nine. Nine! And that's just the opening acts. If I manage to stay awake long enough to see the headliner, I'm still ducking out early so I don't get trapped in the mass exodus of sweaty people trying to leave the venue at the same time.

Camping. My back hurts just thinking about sleeping on the ground. The so-called solution is hauling in extra pads, cots, or other contraptions to supposedly prevent the backache. And as for camping vans or RVs? Love the concept, adore the fantasy, but let's be real: I'm not broke, and yet I'm also not in the tax bracket where a second home on wheels casually appears in my driveway.

Putting clothes on my body feels like a joke. I've already watched the cycle spin all the way around: kids are dressing exactly like I did in middle school, then high school, and now college. I've lived long enough to see my questionable fashion choices become “vintage.”  Also, fuck polyester. My body has changed and now requires additional space and breathability. 

And if I'm going to drink, I'm not choking down cans of piss-water disguised as Pabst, Rainier, Old Style, or Hamm's. I want a real drink, a good brew or a proper cocktail. Preferably in a quiet place where I can slip off to a comfortable bed the moment my social battery flickers out.

Through all of this, I never once got on the smoking or vaping bandwagon. Not in high school, not in college, or when everyone was suddenly blowing fruity butthole-scented fog clouds. I just smelled it all from the sidelines. It doesn't matter what substance is involved, now I don't want to be around any of it.

So it's a strange kind of lonely, this in-between era. I'm not a thirtysomething that's busy raising a family, but I'm also not interested in partying like I'm still 22 and fueled by cheap beer and chaos. It feels too early to join a knitting circle or a birdwatching group. I'm not old enough or able to be retired; I'm just…here. In this weird middle space where I'm too old for the nonsense and too young for the serenity.

its been a shitty week not going to lie. Was already anxious to start the week because I have been debating the long term compatibility of my first serious relationship with my ex. She made the decision for me by texting a guy she just met and hiding our relationship. Decided to wait until after our planned show so I can grab some expensive things I had from her place and on the drive to the show I got my 1 year old car rear ended.

The other kid was driving a 97 beater honda civic with what looks to be cheapo insurance so I don't even know if I'm getting paid out fully because I didn't realize my insurance had lapsed. Broke up with her the morning we got back in what was a really shitty talk where she used technicalities and goal post moving to defend her actions. She was my first real relationship after strings of long situation ships and bad dates

Falling behind on work because I can't focus on anything while crying myself to sleep missing her voice and facetime calls. I don't know what I'm doing there but I just need to write this out and to hear something back.

Hi, even writing this is a bit hard for me. Sorry if it seems like rambling.

I feel like I am never truly myself with anyone. Now mind you, I don't feel like I'm putting on a performance (at least most of the time), but it's like I can never show my whole identity to one given person. It feels like no one will ever truly know me but myself. Maybe I feel like no one will ever listen or care.

I have had therapy before for similar reasons and i thought it helped back then, but now I realize that I probably just lied to myself. I want to go back to therapy again but it's so hard for me to actually feel like I'm not lying when I'm talking about myself. I do not know if I actually am, or if that feeling is just a weird defense mechanism to make the process of sharing uncomfortable for me so I stop.

I do not know why I am this way or even if I actually am this way rather than all this being me thinking about this too much. Feels like that is kind of part of the problem.

Ever since I was little I was in my own head too much. Daydreaming, or just in general always thinking about something. I don't think I can ever stop my mind from working on something. Not in an overthinking way (I think), but then again how would I know. But also maybe everyone has it like this and I'm just making theories for no reason just to make myself feel good. But I don't know. I just feel really lost.

I don't even know what the point of me writing this is. Maybe just to find someone else who relates.

Thanks for reading if you got this far :))

I am sick and tired of the indifference of “family”. People are so self absorbed and caught up in BS pity parties that they don’t prioritize what matters and then whine about shit for years. They wouldn’t be walking around “overwhelmed” with guilt and emotional constipation if they cared beyond themselves. I am so disgusted and fed up with how people treat each other and then demand sympathy for their self created drama. It is horse shit. Takers seem to be outnumbering the givers exponentially and it is getting old. I hold my peace and try to never add to situations but, damn. No one gets out alive and treating people any way you want, acting entitled, starting feuds over petty issues and constantly cycling through hateful moods is selfish. It is all about them, what they need, what they didn’t get and no mind for others whatsoever. I am tired of the lot of them, never a “how are you?” With a lick of genuine curiosity. Gross. Taking people for granted is a theft. I love them but I damn sure don’t have to like them.

It happened after school but i think still correlates. I stopped just to check on Google maps where my school books package is gonna get delivered cuz I delivered it next to school instead of next to my home and some ([put here any slur]) (these who judge everyone while having 2cm layer of face powder on my face) I don't even know keep saying and yelling my name while laughing in between expecting me to come to them so they could humiliate me even more. This happened outside school but still has people from school and it happened right after school. I hate humans overall

I (34F) will try to explain this as succinctly as I can, but fair warning - my life and family history tends to read like a Jerry Springer episode.

My mom (F66) and bio-dad (M68) were together for about a year when my mom found out she was pregnant with me. Sometime during the pregnancy, my dad left my mom and ended up marrying her best friend (who became my step-mom obviously). About a year after I was born, my mom married my step-dad. Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I had every-other-weekend visitations with my dad and step-mom, but my step-dad was always my "real" dad. My bio-dad was never involved with me outside of his visitation weekends, and even then, those weekends typically just involved me being isolated in my bedroom while my dad screamed at the football game on TV. When I was about 16, I found out (from my cousin - not my dad) that my dad and step-mom were getting divorced. My step-mom never said goodbye or contacted me in any way, and she eventually passed away about 5 years ago.

Even though my step-dad had some abusive tendencies (which I didn't recognize as abuse until adulthood), I never doubted that he loved me. Unfortunately, when I was a preteen, my step-dad got really sick and ended up with brain damage caused my anesthesia complications and the illness iteself. As a result, he became increasingly aggressive towards my mom and myself and no longer able to hold down a job due to his violent and hostile behaviors. When I was 17, my step-dad came into my room to tell me he was leaving, and that was the last time I saw or heard from him for several years. He maintained a relationship with my two older siblings, but I could never do it. He never once acknowledged or apologized for literally abandoning my mom and I (after stealing all our money leading to my mom and I almost becoming houseless), and I couldn't open myself up to that type of pain again. He passed away about 4 years ago without us ever reconnecting.

Shortly after my step-dad left the home, I discovered that my mom and bio-dad had began dating. They got married a few weeks before my 18th birthday. (*side note- my therapist recently brought up that my bio-dad literally avoided my entire childhood and only entered into my life "full-time" once I was basically an adult... that was a fun realization for me lol). Even though the first couple of years were really tense between my dad and I (and my mom trying to play referee), he and I were eventually able to get to a place where we could develop a decently close relationship. My parents have now been married about 16 years and to say that their marriage has been rocky would be an understatement. Even when I was a small child, I never understood how my parents were ever together in the first place because they are SO different in hugely significant areas. They have always spoken to each other with volatility and at times, down right cruelty. I have recently discovered that there have been instances of physical abuse in addition to the verbal. My father expects my mom to put all the effort into their marriage and life together (he is retired now, but still expects my mom to continue working and paying all the bills, while getting pissed off if she comes up short). He wants to sit in his recliner all day and have other people prepare and bring him his meals while he watches football or old westerns. He does not care (or care enough) about putting forth any effort to bring my mom joy. Obviously, it is not his job to manage my mom's emotions, but it's a spouse's job to put forth SOME effort, right?

Anyways, for a few years now, he and my mom have been planning to fix up their current house, sell it, then move out to the country so they can have their horses and livestock on their property (instead of boarding them), in addition to putting a small MIL type house on the property for a caregiver to live in when they are ready for that type of care. Their current house needs a decent amount of fixing up, which my parents have been trying to do themselves as a way to save money. Well, my mom and I have applied new siding to 3/4 of the house, while my dad has... held the ladder on occasion? A few weekends ago, my mom asked him to hold the ladder steady so she could apply the siding, and he threw a big hissy fit. He threw out one of his favorite lines, "I'm supposed to be retired!" and then told my mom that he was done and that he would be moving out by the end of the week.

My mom has obviously been very sad, but told me that she also felt some relief. I love my dad and despite everything I have said about him, he does have some redeeming qualities. With that being said, I totally understand my mom's sense of relief in finally getting a break from my dad's incessant bitching. I am also sad about all this, mostly because I feel sad and anxious for my parents (financially and emotionally), but also because I really only see my dad and maintain a relationship with him because he is around when I go to visit my mom. I just don't know how often I will work up the motivation to go see him (without the buffer of my mom), and I feel sad knowing that he may feel rejection from me (I am his only bio kid and he has never been close with my siblings). In addition to this, there are recent concerns that he may have the beginnings of dementia. His mom developed a form of dementia (I don't remember what type exactly) and lived with it for about 20 years, only getting really "bad" in the last 5 years of her life, so I am hoping that will be the case with my dad. With him moving out now though, I have extra worries about him caring for himself. Even before dementia, he barely maintained self-care (severe mental illness + lifetime of learned helplessness), so I know his quality of life is only going to get worse. I have my own family, including a special needs teen, with my own mental illnesses, so I am really not in a place where I can step in as a caregiver; plus, I don't think I could be a caregiver for my dad long-term. I would burn out as quickly as a match.

Also, this is not at all the biggest stressor, but a quick aside: my parents put me through an intensely stressful and traumatic situation when they got back together, and now they are doing it again. It is obviously not all about me and I am a 30-something year old woman now, so I know I am more expected to just "suck it up", but the whole situation has me sad, angry, and worried.

Anyways... ugh.

I can’t really talk about what I do for work, so what I share may seem cagey, but I’ll do my best.
My work fits me and I’ve been doing it for a long time. It is difficult, lucrative, and isolating in every practical sense. I work a few times per year. I am flown out to the location of the job. When the job is done I go home. When I am not working I have a lot of free time on my hands. I live alone. I spend most of my time alone. Sometimes I meet people. They ask me what I do. I give them a story. They believe the story. We enjoy our time together and then go our separate ways. It happens the same way almost every time.
I approach the isolation with pragmatism but it has gone on for so long that I am considering changing my career entirely, although it is late in my life to be doing that. To date I have never met (to my knowledge) another individual in my line of work. I have no “coworkers.” I don’t even interact with my clients because that is kept confidential.
I have fantasies about telling all - telling everything to people who matter to me. Sometimes I get hurt on the job. When I get home I do what I can and I patch myself up. The money doesn’t really matter. I am well compensated but it doesn’t really matter.
So what does matter?
What I do is all I really know. I don’t know what the hell I am doing with my life anymore.

I don't know how other people manage to distract themselves right after a breakup (when they were dumbed). I'm just bedrotting 24/7. I tried so many activities but can't really finish them or don't even start them. I don't feel any joy and I don't feel any motivation do to anything other than bedrotting.

All I do is lie down, scroll on my phone and hoping that I'll just feel better the next day.

Playing a computer game is awful and boring, watching a movie.. way too much effort. Exercising is good but really hard to do when you're very miserable.

Even when I have a moment when I don't cry, I just feel indifferent and I don't see any reason to try an activity if the don't bring me joy anyways.

Maybe I can go for a walk. But even that doesn't really help or feel good. I just do it to feel at least a little productive.

I really don't understand how others can paint, learn how to knit, have fun in cooking, go to the cinema and find so many ways to distract themselves.

He had a follow-up doctors' appointment coming up in a couple of days and he started screaming and throwing a tantrum that he wasn't going to go and that he would refuse to set foot in the clinic and started flinging stuff at the wall until I called and canceled the appointment.

He's almost 42 and autistic and our parents are dead so I don't have anyone who can help me. I'm just forced to deal with it. I'm just venting so I don't really need any solutions. I don't have many real-life friends or family I can vent to that would be understanding as he acts like a perfect angel around them.