r/comingout Oct 08 '25

Guide Coming Out - A Guide Rewritten

61 Upvotes

Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?

I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.

I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.

My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.

What Is Coming Out?

If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.

Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?

If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.

To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.

This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.

Why Do People Come Out?

There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.

For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.

For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.

For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.

Why Do People Not Come Out?

Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?

By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.

And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.

Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.

Coming Out Safely

The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.

Should I Come Out?

It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.

Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.

If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.

Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.

You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.

You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.

How Do I Come Out?

So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.

Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.

Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.

Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion. 

The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.

Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.

So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.

I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?

The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.

For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.

If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.

If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own. 

Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc.  if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.

Potential Reactions

“You’re too young to be X”

As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.

You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.

“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”

This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.

“But what about your previous partners?”

The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.

“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”

This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.

“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”

There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.

Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.

“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”

This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others. 

The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.

In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.

Life Post Coming Out

Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.

Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night. 

The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.

For The Friends/Family/Parents

This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.

Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’

The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.

It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.

If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.

Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.

Other Miscellaneous Guidance

If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.

If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.

If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below. 

Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.

Glossary of Terms:

  • Allosexual - A term used to describe someone who experiences sexual attraction.
  • Aromantic - A person who experiences little to no romantic attraction to others. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Asexual - A person who experiences little to no sexual attraction to others. Asexual people may or may not still experience sexual urges (libido), but may not experience it in relation to other people. Part of the aro/ace spectrum.
  • Bi-Erasure - Questioning or denying the existence of bisexuality either as a concept or specific to a person.
  • Bisexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to more than one gender. (Note: There exists a lot of debate around the ‘definition’ of bisexuality and how it differs from pansexuality. I don’t intend to tackle this subject.)
  • Cisgender - A person whose gender identity matches their sex assigned at birth. E.g. a person who identifies as a man and was identified as a male when they were born.
  • Coming Out - The act of disclosing your queer identity to another person.
  • Cross Sex Hormones - Hormones administered as part of transgender Hormone Replacement Therapy. E.g. a trans woman being administered oestrogen, or a trans man being administered testosterone.
  • Demisexual - A person who only experiences sexual attraction to a person after forming a close emotional bond with them.
  • Gay - A label often used to describe people who experience attraction to the same gender. This is often used specifically to refer to gay men, but sometimes used in relation to women or more generally as an umbrella term.
  • Gender Dysphoria - Feelings of distress associated with the difference in a person’s sex assigned at birth and their gender identity.
  • Gender Expression - How a person outwardly shows gender. E.g. a trans woman in the closet may have a masculine gender expression but a feminine gender identity.
  • Gender Non-Conforming - A person whose gender expression differs from traditional expectations of masculinity and femininity.
  • Heterosexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction to the opposite gender. Also known as straight.
  • Lesbian - A woman who experiences sexual attraction to other women.
  • LGBT+ - An acronym which stands for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender and Others. This is a commonly used acronym for the queer community.
  • Medically Transitioning - A term used to describe changing a person’s physical sex characteristics to match with their gender identity. E.g. top surgery, bottom surgery, and cross sex hormones.
  • Men who have sex with men (MSM) - This is a clinical term used in healthcare and public health settings to describe people who are assigned male at birth who have sex with other people assigned male at birth.
  • Outed - When a person’s queer identity is disclosed by another person, usually without the consent of the person whose identity is being disclosed.
  • Pansexual - A person who experiences sexual attraction regardless of another person’s gender identity.
  • PFLAG: An organisation, originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays, that provides support for the loved ones of queer people.
  • Puberty Blockers - Medication used to either pause or stop puberty and the development of secondary sex characteristics. Often used by transgender young people.
  • Queer - An umbrella term used to describe people who are not cisgender and heterosexual. Historically, and sometimes presently, this has been used as a slur however this is often considered reclaimed by younger generations.
  • Sex Assigned at Birth - The sex (either male, female, or intersex) assigned by a doctor, nurse, or midwife when a person is born based on physical sex characteristics (such as the presence of specific genitals).
  • Socially Transitioning - When a person makes changes their gender expression to align with their gender identity such as changing names, clothes, and pronouns.
  • Straight Passing - A term used to describe a person who is often perceived heterosexual unless they choose to actively disclose their queer identity.
  • Transgender (Trans) - A term used to describe a person whose gender identity does not align with the sex they were assigned at birth.

r/comingout 2h ago

Advice Needed Looking for advice - if any of y’all have experience coming out in your early 20s as a masc gay guy I’d love to hear your experience!

2 Upvotes

As the title implies, I’m in my early 20s, and looking for advice to come out. I’m masc, so no one will really see it coming, and was wondering if anyone would mind sharing their own experiences. Would appreciate it a lot 🙏🏻


r/comingout 1h ago

Question How long should you wait to come out after realising you’re gay?

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Upvotes

r/comingout 4h ago

Advice Needed coming out when you’re unsure of acceptance

1 Upvotes

the people in my life finding about my sexuality has been heavily in my mind. i have no concerns with my immediate family (parent, siblings) but with extended family and friends i am just sick about it. i am not ashamed of who i am, and nothing can stop me from living my life. they will obviously eventually find out when i bring home a girl. but the fact that i have no real idea how they will take it is terrifying.

my extended family is conservative and christian, so theres not many ways they could react. there are some of them who aren’t, but i still do not know how they will feel about the first openly gay person in the family.

with my friends, a few of them are straight girls. they aren’t conservative, but im not sure they’re the most open minded people.

i just can’t stop imagining myself being shunned by these people and im sick.


r/comingout 9h ago

Question What was your parents reaction to finding out you are LGBTQ?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 8h ago

Advice Needed I don't know if I should introduce my gf to my parents

1 Upvotes

I don't know if I should introduce my gf to my parents

I don't know if I should introduce my gf to my parents, I've posted it here and on r/actually lesbian

Hi so some context. My gf is not my first girlfriend and my parents met and were totally accepting of my ex gf. However a few things are different now than in my past relationship. While I was with my ex I came out as Non binary to my friends and her. While they were all fine with it my life didn't change majorly as I wasn't out in school or at home. In addition to this because both me and the few people who did know were not allowed to correctly gender me alot of the time that meant that both my friends and ex would accidentally frequently misgender me.

Things changed once I started University however. I was able to use my new name and pronouns in my everyday life and just shove myself back in the closet (genderwise) during the holidays when I was with my parents. I have been considering coming out to them. They are not bad people. I do not think they would throw me out or stop helping me pay for uni. However I do not think it would change much, I think they would constantly "forget" to use my name and pronouns and only switch once I correct them. This would make my home feel like a battle for me and (while I know it so far from the worst thing trans people go through as I am incredibly privileged to be able to be debating this right now) I prefer to tell myself that they just don't know. Also just so everyone knows I am not unfounded in my thoughts that they would forget to gender me correctly as I have and have had many trans friends and I have had to fight with them to get them to gender then correctly.

Okay so this is where my gf comes in. While I am willing to remain in the closet around my parents that is not something I would want for her or ask of them. She is a trans woman (she/they) and in addition to some other things that would be difficult to tell them. Such as her being three years older than me and us meeting on a dating app. I think it would be really difficult to get them to use the correct pronouns for her. Name wouldn't be an issue as obviously I wouldn't them her dead name. So we have only been dating for three months. I hadn't met her mum nor is she planning on that however I know she's talked about me with her family. I've met her friends and I'm planning on introducing her to mine(it's been a timing thing). Also my parents live in a different country to where me and my gf live and they never come stay with me at uni. So technically it would be possible for me to hide my relationship for a really long time. At the very least untill I finish University and no longer need to see them so frequently/relie on them financially. She has said they'd have no problem with meeting them and them acting like that towards her. But I wouldn't want to put my partner through that.

Let me know what you think. I know I'll have to tell the. If things get really serious but I'm also only nineteen and I feel like it's no big deal to not meet families at this time in our lives.


r/comingout 18h ago

Advice Needed I might be pan but I don’t know

4 Upvotes

This is just a random account I made to vent but I think I might be pan. I’ve been a straight ally my whole life but for the last year or so I’ve felt like I didn’t only like girls. I’ve been researching stuff and I realized that the pansexual label might fit me best, but I’m too afraid to actually come out. I know my family would gladly accept me (although my brother would definitely flame me) but I don’t know about my friends. We are all immature teens and I can’t fully tell if they are homophobic or not. I’m also not fully comfortable with showing it at school. I live in the Midwest, (although my city is democratic) but half of my school would nail me to the wall if I came out, so I don’t know. What do I do? How do I come out? How do I manage feelings? Pls help me Reddit I’m so confused


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed came out as trans to my mom, now I feel ashamed

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27 Upvotes

I came out as trans to my mom today. We went to get breakfast at this lowkey bistro and when we sat down I told her I needed to talk to her about that personal thing today.

She started laughing and looked a little uneasy so it made me anxious. I explained to her that the whole summer I’ve been depressed because of my grandma dying and it making me feel some sort of way towards our family, but also because of my dysphoria and told her I think I’m trans. I meant to say “I’m trans” but I was already so nervous.

She asked me to repeat myself and I did, and then kept asking me what that meant. I think she was in denial. I asked why she looked so uncomfortable and she said she wasn’t, just that she was shocked confused and didn’t know what to say. She said it was [something deep to confess] and I should’ve sat her and dad down to talk about it instead of doing it in a public place. I explained I worried my dad would be mad because he’s known to make insensitive jokes and she nodded. What I didn’t tell her was that I told her specifically because I was scared it would just be a one way ticket to abuse otherwise.

We ate in silence and I was overthinking the whole time so I was crying. I barely got to explain anything. She didn’t seem mad at all just withdrawn and avoided bringing it up until she paid the bill at the end. She told me to relax and we would figure it out. I immediately burst into tears again and begged her not to out me to anyone, and she said okay. She told me we can tell dad when I’m ready. We walked home in silence and didn’t talk about it again.

I’m not mad at my mom, I just don’t know how to feel and I feel scared about the next steps. I want to tell my dad but I would do it with my mom and it seems like she needs time.. I just feel so ashamed about it. It didn’t feel like a coming out. I think im going to give my mom a few days before telling my dad. I’m just so scared and lost. Everything about this is fucking me up and I need advice on what to do.


r/comingout 16h ago

Advice Needed Help with coming out to a friend?

1 Upvotes

So for a little background, I'm sixteen so it's pretty hard for me to get my hands on any feminine clothes, but! More recently, I've started getting closer to a friend of mine, and I've noticed how good she is at accepting and respecting her friend’s sexuality and pronouns, even when they're not around and she's just talking about them. But anyways, I've been thinking about telling her I'm a femboy and asking her for advice on stuff like clothes, right now I only have one pretty cheap skirt and a pair of thigh highs, but I've been wanting to try more clothes and maybe some makeup, and I think she might be able to help me. So my big question is, how do I bring this up? I feel like it might be awkward and I don't really want to make things weird between us because we've been friends since we were kids, but at the same time I basically have zero idea what I'm doing and really need the help. So if anyone has some advice it is much appreciated, thanks for reading 🙏


r/comingout 17h ago

Story I'm 20 and I like my best friend

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1 Upvotes

Hi everyone. I need to vent and maybe get some advice, because I feel like I'm drowning and I have no one to talk to about this.

I'm a Cuban woman in my early 20s, and I'm in my first relationship with another woman. We met at university, were best friends for two years, slept together (in the same bed), talked all the time. Then the university closed due to the situation in the country and our friendship became long-distance. A few months ago, after she started talking to another girl and I panicked about losing her, I told her how I felt. She felt the same, and we've been girlfriends ever since, even though we live in different provinces.

The problem is that I haven't been able to handle this relationship. She's very much in love, she told her family and friends, she's all in. I, on the other hand, haven't made the relationship public. My parents are very controlling, and when I mentioned that I liked a girl, they said I was confused, that I needed time, and they filled my schedule with activities (gym, classes, chores at home) to keep me busy and, according to my girlfriend, to build a life I can't escape from. And she's right.

Since then, I've lived with constant fear: fear of being judged, fear of confronting my parents, fear of the horrible transportation and economic situation in Cuba. I've lied to my girlfriend by omission: she thinks my parents already know we're girlfriends, but that's not true. I haven't had the courage to tell her. I also haven't made it public with my friends or on social media, even though I treat her as my girlfriend in private and I send her money when I can because her financial situation is very bad.

Now she's given me an ultimatum: I have until Friday to set a specific date to see each other, or the relationship ends and we go back to being just friends. But I don't want that. I miss her so much, I adore her, and I feel like she's the only person who truly knows me. However, I'm terrified. I don't know if I'll be able to travel because of the country's crisis, I don't know how much transportation costs, I don't know how my parents will react, and above all I wonder: what after we see each other? How do we continue? What if it doesn't work? The situation in the country is very bad and gets worse every day.

I feel like a coward and a selfish person. I know I'm hurting her, that my actions don't match my feelings, that if I don't act, I'll lose her forever. But a part of me wonders if I rushed into confessing, if maybe I was just afraid of losing my best friend and I'm not really in love. Has anyone been through something similar? Someone I can talk to?


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed How do i come out as bi?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Struggling

3 Upvotes

Hi guys, i have an issue on this journey and I would really appreciate some advice
I’m 24, female and I’ve known pretty much all my life that I’m attracted to women. I think my sexual awakening was by boobs in a lingerie catalogue and everything that followed kept proving my point. But I always had crushes on boys, later (but way less frequented) 1 or 2 times on girls.
Even during my so far most meaningful relationship with my ex bf I was open about wanting to have experiences with women in my life (for myself, not like with him). I told my bsf when we were 18 that I thought I was bi (I’m now pretty sure I’m Pansexual or just queer) and she reacted totally sweet.
Since then I’m open about it on the outside, I never outed myself because I kind of feel like I don’t have to, idgaf about labels I love humans not genitalia (not trying to say smth wrong just sharing my perspective) and if people ask that’s what I say.

My problem is, I can’t act on it and I feel like I can’t REALLY accept on the inside, and idk why??
I live in a progressive city, at work or with my peers the assumption isn’t straightness. I feel like my environment is pretty accepting and my workplace is a really accepting and diverse too, there are a lot of queer people around me all the time. Which is why I don’t understand myself even more.
My dad doesn’t care, I wear a rainbow bracelet because I want to show solidarity which feels weird in itself for me because I don’t understand why I exclude myself from the community even though I’m really really sure im queer or at the very least definitely not straight. In the spring time a cute co worker of mine made a pass at me at a party and I kind of rejected her, i said it was because of my recent break up and the potential messiness of work place flirting plus she has a bf and that put me off, (she said he wouldn’t mind but I mind) etc., which wasn’t a lie but I also was really intimidated by the situation. Suddenly I caught myself asking myself who would initiate the very first intimate contact between two women because I kind of always expected the guy to initiate. That also made me realize that there ARE unsaid expectations put on men that I can imagine probably feel uncomfortable to many of them. Idk it just made me realize a bunch if stuff and how deep the programming runs inside of me. Even though I have always advocated for the queer community, even as a child/teen in a small ass town, it runs so deep it separates me from this part of my own personhood in a way.

A friend of mine said some horrible things a while back, along the lines of me not being queer because I never made any real experiences with a woman, basically questioning something that doesnt remotely feel like a question to me but still managed to upset me deeply and made me feel insecure.
I feel like it has something to do with shame but I can’t put my finger on it. Im afraid that if I ever try something with a woman I will never go back to men, for a lot of reasons. But I also have instances all the time that remind me why im not just gay, I do find men attractive too. And as I said, I believe I could find any person attraktiv and fall in love with them if the connection is there.
Idk, this is just has been weighing heavy in me for a while now and I feel like I can’t really take to anyone about it… does anyone have any advice or input for me? And please be gentle, tbh one of the reasons I’m kind of afraid is because of the whole “baby gay” thing ? I just don’t want to live a life of denying myself true authenticity and freedom. A few weeks back the pride parade went past my workplace and I couldn’t join because I was working but when it passed and I looked at all these people it touched me deeply, especially the drag queens because they just live as themselves so loud and proud and idk it made me tear up, still does


r/comingout 21h ago

Story It felt so right

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed I’ve been in the closet for 10 years

4 Upvotes

Hello everyone this is my first Reddit post ever. The title practically speaks for itself. I won’t put my age because I feel old when typing it haha. I’ve known I’ve liked women since my early teen years, I tried for a while to push down the feeling, explore it, enjoy it, feel shame and then repeat the cycle consistently for the next ten years of my life.

As I reflect I can’t help but feel guilt. Not over my sexuality but over the amount of women I’ve hurt and the time I’ve wasted in my life by hiding. I know it’s cliche but when you are in the closet you do hurt others unintentionally. I think about the girls I could have had something with, maybe they were supposed to be the one but now that chance is gone. One of them has a fiancee now. Which really just haunts me. I feel like the other person in “good luck babe!” By Chappel roan. Those lyrics haunt the hell out of me.

I know I probably sound dramatic as hell but my mind won’t be quiet and I just needed a space to let it out I guess? With some anonymity of course.

I honestly don’t know what I need if it’s support or something else. Honestly I would just appreciate an open discussion about other people’s experiences, questions they have for me, or other things. My belief is the only way I can become braver and more myself is by beginning to talk openly about my struggles. This is my first step I guess. I know it’s not that big, I’m posting anonymously to strangers, but I couldn’t imagine doing this even four months ago. So some progress?

I guess my question is, how do you make peace with the same and time wasted? Is there any way to do that? Am I a genuinely bad person? Am I a coward?


r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed Any experiences of gays coming out in enmeshed and over-protective/controlling families?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Help I came out to my parents, and it didn't go well. (Vent and some triggers, so be warned.)

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Story Starting Anew

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1 Upvotes

r/comingout 1d ago

Advice Needed I’m about to come out to my best friend of 6 years as genderfluid. Any advice?

2 Upvotes

basically the title also i would also like some stories if anyone came out to their friends too


r/comingout 1d ago

Story Some story of how I came out

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Any tips?

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9 Upvotes

I’m pan and (probably) a femboy, I haven’t come out to my parents yet and honestly I need some help. My family is Christian and idk what to do


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Absolutely

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8 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Anyone else panic after finally coming out and starting to date?

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2 Upvotes

r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Came out to a longtime friend. She said she'd call but never did.

11 Upvotes

I came out to my friend. We were pretty close. She's the first person I came out to and I told her that. We no longer live in the same city, but we still keep in touch from time to time. She was very accepting and said she'd call me because she wanted to talk about it after i texted her that I'm gay. She never did. Weeks passed. I texted her asking her if she's okay and how things were going. she said "I'm just super busy and always surrounded by people but we'll definitely talk". I responded saying no problem and to let me know when she has the time. This hurts bad, I don't know why it hurts, and i don't know what to make of it.


r/comingout 2d ago

Advice Needed Thinking of finally telling one of my friend… any advice

3 Upvotes

Hi everyone

I’ve never told a single person but , I’m finally thinking of sharing this with one of my friend (most probably girls cuz i know my male frnds , nothing much to say further) , but I don’t know which one or how to even start. I’m nervous but I also really want someone to know the real me.

If anyone has been through something similar or has any advice… please share. I'm tired of keeping everything to myself or online now.

Any advice on how to pick the right friend or what to say would mean so much to me.

It's good if they accept or understand my situation but if they don't , IDK I don't have any plans for that.