for starters i know this isn't good art. i dont really draw myself much and never really finished this but i figure people would like to know who they are talking to. the dialogue is to just.. provide some more context, i suppose.
my name is juno, i am a fictive of the animal jam character. my headmate cress has been relatively active on this subreddit so i figured i might as well ask about something that's on my mind. now, in my system, i suppose i split or became aware of myself several months before it was revealed in ajpw, the more known game, that my character.. i... would fully return. the history i split with the knowledge of was that of myself giving my life to save others who couldn't stand a chance, and being trapped in... how do i explain lightside... a sort of limbo-like dimension. and when i emerged, my memories, those i cared for, my history... it was gone, and i was not so expressive in quite the same way. thinking, constantly, analyzing, but of very little to do with my own past. it is just... a void.
in the time since these updates, i have found myself... changing. the way i emote, the way i care for and protect others, the way i... remember things. i understand that as a trauma traumagenic system we often do have these ways of compartmentalizing memory, withholding things from the more vulnerable to keep them safe. but in the context of these source updates, i have found myself... at less ease than ever. maybe this has something to do with my fronting patterns and this is less of a fictionkin topic, and for that I do apologize for going off topic. I find myself disappearing and coming back to a changed environment and another memory gap, and it just keeps happening. But it just... disturbs me, that these source updates have affected me the way they have. For the other fictives in our system, their sources sort of ground them in who they are. But for me.. i do not have a past that I can tether myself to.
I am just.. juno. this blank void of a soul trying to help others with barely a semblance of an identity of my own. i can connect with myself as an arctic wolf. i resonate deeply with therian communities. i am listening to blizzard sounds, and this helps too. but i just can't help but find myself troubled. it is difficult to find a way to ground myself. i suppose i wanted to make this post to see if others related to this feeling.. i apologize for the unfocused post and if this may not be relatable for most of the community.
