I am deeply terrified of my death and it's affecting my life

[u/I_WillDeleteThis]

My native language isn't English, so sorry if something sounds weird.

A week ago I had a kind of panic attack. First, my panic level spiked, and then thoughts about death started filling my head. No matter how hard I tried to stop thinking about them, I couldn't do anything. The idea that I would die someday, that I would simply cease to exist, that I would eventually have to accept my own death, is a thought that terrifies and stresses me out so much.

I have to say that years ago I also went through a period where I thought about death constantly and involuntarily, but it was more of a nuisance than the panic I'm feeling now. But after that period, nothing like that ever happened to me again.

The day after the panic attack, I told my close friends and family what had happened and how I felt. My friends have recently experienced the loss of loved ones or are going through something similar with these constant thoughts of death, so even though they support me, I don't want to talk to them too much about it in case I hurt them. My family, on the other hand, have told me they've been through the same thing, given me advice, and shared how they deal with the idea of ​​their own deaths. Obviously, I'm very grateful to them, but I've been following their advice for days and I'm not getting any better.

During these last few days thoughts about death have been constantly on my mind. I feel very sad and find myself crying constantly. At night, I manage to sleep for a couple of hours, but I wake up briefly, and when I'm half asleep, half awake, the thoughts about death return, and my heart races. Although I manage to relax enough to avoid falling back into a panicked state, I'm left with a feeling of deep anxiety and unable to rest.

I've tried to stay away from any movies, books, or videos that deal with death, especially if it's in an existential way. I've stopped watching the news, started doing light relaxation exercises, and am trying to learn more about what's happening to me and how to cope. I urgently need to get back to my normal life because, aside from the fact that I'm going back to university in a few days and I don't want to fail anything because of this, I also live with a disabled person who has depression, and I feel like I can't support him properly if I'm in such a mess myself.

I understand that this is probably caused by anxiety, and although I wouldn't say my life has been particularly stressful lately, perhaps it's anxiety built up over years.

Before finishing, I'd like to explain that what terrifies me most about all these thoughts is ceasing to exist, simply that my death means that everything ends there, that my consciousness or soul or whatever it is dies with me, not knowing what lies beyond. I'm not a religious person, and although the idea that with your death your soul goes somewhere to be happy with your loved ones is the most comforting option, I can't force myself to believe in something I don't. I suppose that being older and having lived a whole life, your perspective on all this is very different, and I also understand that this fear of death or uncertainty is normal in humans. I think I just need to write this down, and that's it.

Finally, although I don't live in a place where healthcare is private, I know it will take months to get medical attention, so if this continues, I will seek professional help. Thank you if anyone has read this.

[u/Olistu_]

Personally the idea of death also really scares me

I'm not religious and just scared

More frightened than scared though I sometimes think about it

Personally I just want to do a lot of stuff to help people that's why I'm here on r/mentalhealth

When I die I want to know I helped a lot of people and made their lives better by being supportive