r/nottheonion • u/cpt_futtbucker • 4d ago
Dollar Tree ‘gooning’ incident sparks lawsuit in Colorado
https://www.denverpost.com/2026/08/18/gooning-dollar-tree-colorado-lawsuit/118
u/DeusExHircus 3d ago
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u/Old_Rev0lution 3d ago
I believe gooning is public… um… shmerking of the gherkin… publicly investigating your own crime scene…. Publicly flicking your own bean… 👹
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u/DeusExHircus 3d ago
It's not, it's just excessive masturbation and horniness. While it makes no distinction between public or private, it almost exclusively refers to acts done in private
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u/Old_Rev0lution 3d ago
It literally says public masturbation in the article. Multiple times.
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u/DeusExHircus 3d ago
And why do you think we're all saying they're using the word wrong? Just because the Denver Post thinks that's what the word means, doesn't mean they can rewrite the definition everywhere else
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u/Old_Rev0lution 2d ago
Probably because you spend too much time on the internet to even be able to argue the definition of a non-word to the rest of the world lol.
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u/TearOpenTheVault 4d ago edited 4d ago
I don't get why this is being called 'gooning' as if it's a new phenomenon. Creeps sexually assaulting people in public have existed for a while.
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u/FlaringAfro 4d ago
I think reporters are using the new hip term young people use to try to get more clicks and maybe make it seem more widespread than it really is. Making older people think "oh I think I heard someone say that word".
This certainly isn't the first time it's happened.
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u/cpt_futtbucker 4d ago
Probably because the word goon having a sexual phenomenon is some new Zoomer crap that only started within the past few years
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u/Thebazilly 3d ago
This isn't gooning, it's sexual assault, and we shouldn't diminish it with stupid internet slang.
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u/sephjnr 4d ago
Kum and Go is next door, idiots
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u/FiveDozenWhales 4d ago
Gooning means public masturbation?! I just thought it meant being excessively horny. I've... I've gotta go make some apologies.
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u/MidnightGolan 4d ago
It’s the opposite of NoFap.
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u/Ahelex 4d ago
AllTheFaps
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u/cpt_futtbucker 4d ago
I don’t even know anymore. My best friend’s family came from Sicily in the 50s and his mom would call our friend group the goon squad growing up. Kind of blindsided me and tarnished some good memories when I heard what goon means to the kids these days last year
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u/PumpkinBrain 3d ago
Wait till you hear about the teens who had a gay time down at the soda shop!
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u/cpt_futtbucker 3d ago
I heard his grandpa call having a good time a gay time a few times. Was really confused when I first heard it
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u/DE4DM4NSH4ND 3d ago
Like grandpa is really open with his sexuality. Rare to find in that generation
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u/BigWhiteDog 3d ago
Why should it? One has nothing to do with the other. Not even the same term. I used to work an event back in the 70s-80s and part of our event security was known as the Goon Squad because they wete positively massive and had no fucks to give. The term Goon goes back to the early days of Popeye cartoons with Alice the Goon, then in the 30s came to mean thug or henchman. Has zero connection to the term gooning.
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u/Hug_The_NSA 1d ago
No it does not mean that. The news is just using a shiny new word they don't understand for clickbait.
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u/Polymersion 3d ago
It means being a thug.
Any tiktokteen nonsense additionally attributed to it should be ignored.
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u/tomwhoiscontrary 3d ago
Most metalcore fans haven't even heard of Dollar Tree Gooning Incident, hopefully this will put them on the radar.
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u/Delicious_Cat_81 4d ago
i can cum with the best of em but like in a store with that dollar tree smell walking around? i need a little more set and setting than that
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3d ago
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u/bogglingsnog 4d ago
I'm sorry but in my eyes it's not Dollar Tree's responsibility to protect you in public. Unless we made that a law at some point, in which case I don't really agree with it.
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u/cwthree 3d ago
No one's asking Dollar Tree to stop these guys. Dollar Tree can ban from their stores people who have previously harassed customers, and they can offer to call police if a customer says they've been harassed and the alleged offender is still in the store.
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u/bogglingsnog 3d ago
Did you read the article? They are being sued for not putting enough effort into security.
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u/mavgeek 3d ago
Problem with that is a lot of these are first time offenses or at least ones that became known.
This will go nowhere in court, because this can happen in dozens of different franchises stores that have low employee count and there’s no laws saying stores have to have X amount of working cameras. The vast
majority of retail stores also don’t offer security guards which the article mentions is a problem DT should fix. People steal constantly from Walmart and do all kinds of fucked up sexual or otherwise offensive things in Walmart all the time, they still don’t have security guards. And they’re the largest retailer in the country.It’s not a companies responsibility to keep you safe from other citizens. That’s up to the police. Like even if DT doubled the amount of staff on schedule, no staff member is going to dive and tackle a would be assailant who’s mid jerking off. They barely pay employees you want those same employees risking their own lives to help customers? That’s what police are for.
Not trying to diminish any trauma victims have over it but it’s not the companies fault.
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u/qoes 3d ago
Can we please not make internet newspeak standard