r/polyamory • u/kdb202020 • 1d ago
Shell shocked š¢
My husband told me last night that he wants a divorce. We have been together 21 years, married 12, non-monogamous / poly for the last 6.
He feels that he has told me over the years that he feels like weāve become disconnected sexually, emotionally, career-wise. The only thing he thinks weāre nailing is parenting.
I didnāt realise it was that bad to him. I thought we were just having a bit of a rough patch but that there was enough love here to get through it. He feels like heās expressed it to me clearly, and I obviously havenāt heard him.
Heās been dating another woman for 17 months and he is planning on continuing a relationship with her.
I feel so blindsided, shocked, sad, heartbroken. I thought being poly would protect us from this - like we can have these great external connections as well as ours?! Perfect!
Anyway. I donāt really know what Iām looking for from this post. I donāt know how to navigate this. My whole life has just blown up in 24 hours.
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u/Successful_Depth3565 poly experienced 1d ago
Him not feeling heard is a prime symptom of the disconnection.
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u/PurpleOpinion4070 1d ago
I thought this, too. My partner has a playlist they made during their last Really Big Breakupā¢ļø, and it features a Taylor Swift/Bon Iver duet with the following lyrics, representing opposing views in a relationship:
āI never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind)
I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around)
'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)
So many signs, so many signs
You didn't even see the signsāHaunts me.
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u/bene_gesserit_vvitch 1d ago
Sorry just had to jump in for the Exile shoutout because what an amazing song š
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think I came close to this once in my own marriage. My husband was trying to get me to hear that the problems I regarded as less than ideal/temporary were in fact major/deal breaking. I would have heard him louder if he had raised the specter of divorce, but I understand why he didn't. The prospect was just as scary to him as it was to me, and he wasn't ready to face the possibility of me saying, "Yeah, this is all the spoons I have for us, so if you feel that way, I guess it's time to separate."
I think many people wait to take that risk, and they only get the courage when they realize that they're already ok with walking away. :(
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u/Quagga_Resurrection poly w/multiple 1d ago
Yeah, people see ultimatums as threats and therefore inappropriate to use rather than as a tool to communicate where things are at for someone.
If you're close to leaving, you need to say that. Otherwise, you aren't giving your partner the chance to make the changes needed to save the relationship. And hey, if things are headed toward a breakup, then you stand to lose nothing by actually saying so and giving things a chance to get better. The worst that can happen is your partner breaks up with you, which will happen anyway if things don't change.
I have seen several relationships improve dramatically after the exhausted, "nagging" partner used the word "divorce" to indicate how serious things were for them.
Language is subjective, so using words that communicate your thoughts and feelings accurately to your audience is a good thing.
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u/LifesGrandAdventure 1d ago
I thought being poly would protect us from this - like we can have these great external connections as well as ours?! Perfect!
Relationships all need to be nurtured. Like tending to a garden. And if those external connections come at the expense of not tending to the needs of your marriage, it's no surprise that it withers and dies.
With regards to "enough love to get through it" - love is an action more than it is a feeling. Sounds like there wasn't enough love, in the action sense.
Sorry to hear about your situation and I can appreciate that it's tough to navigate, for both of you. Being blindsided and caught out by this sucks. As does feeling unseen, unimportant, or unloved for years.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
There are divorce support groups and I'm sure your mono and poly friends will be able to give some support. It's going to be hard especially since this isn't a change you wanted but definitely look onto therapy to help give yourself a safe space to process and grieve.
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u/blooangl āØ Sparkle Princess āØ 1d ago
Iām sorry. This sounds like this is coming as a suprise to you. Endings can be really hard. Polyamory doesnāt make anything easier.
Polyamory, just like monogamy, doesnāt save or destroy marriages.
I fear a lot of married people think that polyamory is āprotectionā against divorce.
Itās not. That mindset leads lots of folks into a place where they view their other connections as āmarriage glueā
It doesnāt work that way. The care and feeling of your marriage is up to the two people in the marriage. Just like it is in monogamy.
If you donāt have a therapist, get one. And a lawyer. And lean on your friends and family for support. Youāll get through this.
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u/SynapticBanana 1d ago
Iām very sorry to hear what youāre going through. Something similar happened to me, recently. That is not said to compare, but to offer some humanity and tell you youāre not alone.
I will say reiterate some otherās comments. Love will never be enough. You are enough though, and try to give yourself grace and compassion in this time. š«
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u/Beneficial_Ear9631 Will organise for treats š§ 1d ago
I'm so sorry. I'm about 18 months along from where you are, and here is what I've learned: Don't accept all the blame here. I'm certain there were plenty of things he could have done differently too. Feel your feelings. It will take time, you will have up days and down days, but you will get through it.
You will get through it.
Big hugs, if you want them.
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u/Kiss-Writer-1688 1d ago
18 months in and you're still standing, which matters. The up and down days thing especially I think a lot of people don't realize how nonlinear grief actually is.
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u/slouchestowards 1d ago
So sorry you are going through this. A lot of folks mentioning tending to the garden of a relationship certain ways or listening better or overall general communication (on all sides)... I just want to pop in here and say, sometimes, no matter how much work we put in or love there is or even how much one or both people want it, sometimes a relationship just isn't "meant to be." It's really, really shocking and hard when your perception of that relationship as being very much meant-to-be (or at least a communally central and desired foundational block) is shattered. I've been there. It really sucks. It also can sometimes just be an awful, tragic reality. Not very eloquently trying to posit the potential that there's nothing you could have done to "save" this relationship- and that you're not to blame for it not working- and maybe, neither is he. And of course maybe either or both of you are! I think it can be okay for him to have tried his best to communicate, for you to have tried your best to hear him, and for the relationship to simply not have worked in the end for both of you.
I wish you moments of peace in the upcoming grief. And I wish you clarity to the far side of it, to other things that will emerge for you in time. It's really tough. You aren't okay right now. But at some point - maybe in a long time - you will be again.
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u/desertbl00m 1d ago
By the time someone says they want a divorce, there is likely not much you can do to dissuade them. But it's not all on you. You made mistakes but so did your husband by not suggesting couples therapy or seeking to work things out before making a huge change. Please don't feel you are only to blame. It is also an extremely common thing to happen to people midlife.
I think sometimes being poly can soften a breakup or dissolution of a marriage because you have other partners who might provide emotional support. I've helped partners through breakups and they have done the same for me. It can be a lifeline. Maybe that can be of comfort to you.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and that your kids will too. But there is support out there for divorcing parents--my friend joined a support group through their temple. There is online support. Might be useful for kids to know they can access a therapist or support group if they need it. And finally I hope you have family who will be there for you. My sister had gone through a divorce and was helpful not only in logistics but also understanding.
My legal recommendation would be to first and foremost take a snapshot of all your accounts right now and record balances. Especially if you're not the one dealing with finances typically. (Also make sure you see records for past several months to make sure money hasn't been moved around. It makes me nervous for you that this feels like it was sprung on you. Clearly he'd been thinking about it a while.) You'll need the info for a separation agreement anyway. But it will hopefully put your mind at ease that after such a long marriage, you should be entitled to half of all your assets.
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u/RAisMyWay relationship optimist 1d ago
I'm so sorry. I've been there - after 25 years. The only words of encouragement I can offer are that you will get through this. But right now, it's just really, really hard. The other comments here are spot on.
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u/JellyfishOtherwise66 1d ago edited 1d ago
My ex felt unheard by me. In our case the problem was that I wasnāt a mind reader.
Before I started a new job, I said ālisten itās important to me that you know my kids arenāt your responsibility. I hear you saying that youāre fine watching them while Iām at work, but if that feeling ever changes, I want you to let me know, ok? I do appreciate you watching them but I can always make other arrangements.ā
Theyāre my kids, not our kids.
He agreed. And then I checked in with him multiple times during the new arrangement.
Never once did he say, āhey can your mom watch the kids tonight?ā
Weād been together 7 years then he ran off with a girl half his age, complaining about how I didnāt hear him and how he resented always having to take care of my kids.
Iāll probably never fully forgive him for this, but at least heās getting therapy now.
My point is that maybe youāre not hearing himā¦or maybe heās not talking. Itās worthwhile to work with a therapist to figure out which it is and address it so you donāt repeat the pattern in future relationships.
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u/Horror-Coffee-3207 1d ago
I would disadvise on putting this on poly. If your marriage has problems, it can feel without another person already being involved. I would see this as two different things. Best of luck to you
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u/Throwaway_myoops 17h ago
You just named my biggest relationship fear- that a partner will communicate problems and I will not assign the appropriate weight to what theyāre saying.
Iāve done it before.
I donāt pick up on social cues quickly or at all, sometimes. Iām also not a mind reader.
When a partner comes to me with a problem, I want them to come when the stress on it is low, not when theyāre about to break.
A good tool is to be very mindful when a partner complains. Ask them how stressful the problem is for them. Is it just annoying or is it āI canāt live like this?ā This gives you a better chance at understanding the full picture.
Regardless of that, itās important to get on the same side and collaborate to figure out how to remove the problem from your table together, or minimize it as a team if you canāt eliminate it.
Itās not ever effective to sweep these things under the rug. They build up and that rug will be a trip hazard until you pick it up and clean underneath.
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u/Few-Implement-9077 1d ago
You didn't realize it was that bad for him after he told you for years he felt disconnected?
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u/Irrasible 23h ago
Ā I thought being poly would protect us from this
I think that the usual experience is that being poly amplifies the problems. Poly works best when the core relationship is solid.
And remember: poly people are people. No better and no worse.
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u/Bonsai_Tree3 1d ago
Iām sorry š I do feel like marriage deserves a very clear ultimatum and declaration of āif we canāt fix X, weāll have to divorceā
A red button of sorts. Iām sorry you didnāt get a clearer heads up. Likely all of this is not on you, rarely is.
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox 1d ago
He feels that he has told me over the years that he feels like weāve become disconnected sexually, emotionally, career-wise... My whole life has blown up in 24 hours
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u/Intelligent-Gift4598 1d ago
Iām so sorry. Youāre in shock, and this is very hard. I hope you have good people to help carry you through this.
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u/xmas7077 1d ago
Iām sorry for your situation and hindsight being 20/20 I think itās important for everyone reading this postā¦ All relationships especially on the longer timeline take communication to last. Communication is speaking whatās going on and even more importantly listening to what is being said. He was communicating his pain and it was going into the mist. Poly is even more risky so itās curious that you felt it was safe. If you donāt hug your partner someone else will and that connection will grow when others donāt. Donāt give up, it isnāt over yet. If you want it, fight for it.
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u/Jecture 13h ago
Itās important to cultivate the primary relationship if you value it. Iāve seen how it feels from their side myself and it can tear apart your relationship if you neglect needs for connection and consistency, being poly doesnāt change that it just adds extra people that you need to account for and accept that they get a portion of your husbandās time because he has a relationship that matters to him.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My husband told me last night that he wants a divorce. We have been together 21 years, married 12, non-monogamous / poly for the last 6.
He feels that he has told me over the years that he feels like weāve become disconnected sexually, emotionally, career-wise. The only thing he thinks weāre nailing is parenting.
I didnāt realise it was that bad to him. I thought we were just having a bit of a rough patch but that there was enough love here to get through it. He feels like heās expressed it to me clearly, and I obviously havenāt heard him.
Heās been dating another woman for 17 months and he is planning on continuing a relationship with her.
I feel so blindsided, shocked, sad, heartbroken. I thought being poly would protect us from this - like we can have these great external connections as well as ours?! Perfect!
Anyway. I donāt really know what Iām looking for from this post. I donāt know how to navigate this. My whole life has just blown up in 24 hours.
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u/Lipglossgoddess 1d ago
I'm so sorry, friend. As someone who has been with my spouse for 20 years, ENM/poly for the last 5, I can understand why this can feel blindsiding for you. What kind of support do you need from the community, friend?
I don't want to offer any unsolicited advice, as this can happen whether or not poly. I think people either grow together or grow apart, especially after being together for that long. And, sometimes that's okay and the most compassionate thing we can do for our partners.
Either way, it's not failure, even though it might feel like that. Poly doesn't necessarily protect us from any type of breakup. Sure, it can make us stronger in communicating, and allow us to flex our skills in so many other ways, but if anything, it will show us a clearer picture of where we are at: what we want, where the holes are and IF we want to repair. And boy does it hurt when you want to repair and the other doesn't. I'm not minimizing that -- your feelings are valid and it's valid to feel lost and heartbroken.
Feel what you need to feel, and allow yourself time to grieve. But also, remember to meet yourself with compassion and know that this isn't YOUR fault, nor is it necessarily bc of the lifestyle. Ask yourself questions for what you want, what you need, and how you can meet those needs in this transition.
It doesn't make it suck any less, but perhaps this gives you both a chance to compassionately decouple and focus on the good: co-parenting.
Good luck!
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u/MsBlack2life diy your own 19h ago
Polyamory from my experience tends to more quickly expose issues with other romantic relationships a person may have. Some married folks I think in ways see polyamory as a way to shore up damages in a marriage by outsourcing elements to other relationships that have failed or are failing in their marriage. When in honesty you can be super healthy relationship wise and still struggle. Now I donāt know if your spouse really communicated as well as they say OP or if you just didnāt fully get how deep the situation was. What I will say is Iām sorry. I donāt know what your future will be with them in the future but sending you strength and healing.
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u/zeroicey 18h ago
Its easier to leave your marriage when youve got someone else lined up.
If he was feeling this bad in the relationship why werent you book putting time and effort into repair instead of sustaining additional relationships.
Many poly dynamics dont protect you from being left for the younger women, infact they help create an environment for it to happen.
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u/violet992 4h ago
š¢ i'm sorry you're going through that. Polyamory will not fix a broken relationship. It's unfortunate that your husband didn't communicate better to you, but I wonder now I might you be better off without him.
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u/kdb202020 3h ago
Update:: not sure if this is the best place to put an update but thank you to everyone for your comments.
He spent the night following our first conversation at his other partners house.
He came home last night and we had a really long conversation. We talked about what the reality of him moving out would look like - how often he would have our kids, where heād have them, the fact that she has 3 kids of her own that he would then be co-parenting with her.
We also talked about what changes would have to happen within our relationship to improve things. I told him that I understand that he feels heās told me how he was feeling before, but that I donāt believe heās ever been explicit about it, he apologised and said that heās sorry if he hasnāt been clear enough.
I think the reality of moving into someone elseās house and suddenly co-raising 5 kids and spending more time with someone elseās kids than his own was a wake up call and he said he wants to have a think about things but Iām optimistic that we are going to try and resolve this before it gets to divorce.
I said that we need to check in with each other more, constantly, because even though weāve made changes in the past and things have been more connected life has gotten busy again and we go back to the same routines but that we needed to both be checking in which we havenāt done.
He agrees that he is at fault in the disconnect too and isnāt blaming me at all.
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u/fa1re 1d ago
Must be tough.
Is it possible to try out couples therapy to address the needs that went unmet?
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u/guptaxpn 12h ago
Why is this getting downvoted? Genuinely
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u/fa1re 11h ago
Because āincompatibilityā trumps ācommitmentā. Lot of people who do ENM value personal freedom very highly.
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u/guptaxpn 10h ago
Hmm. Is it incompatibility if people need to work at it at times?
I can't imagine being married to anyone at all where it wouldn't be a lot of work, or might benefit from help.
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u/fa1re 1h ago
Yeah, that's the hard one. For me loyalty is a very high value. We have been through quite intense "incompatibilities" with my wife and we came through every single time, even though there was a cost. For many people here it's more like "life is short, don't waste it with people you are not compatible with". Freedom is a highly esteemed value. I think that's why DADT is common, and why people consider the most valuable trait of hinge to pass as little information as possible.
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u/Cool_Relative7359 23h ago
I didnāt realise it was that bad to him. I thought we were just having a bit of a rough patch but that there was enough love here to get through it.
Love alone is never enough. Compatibility and effort are both required to maintain relationships
How long did the rough patch last? How long did you think it could last without repair or change?
Heās been dating another woman for 17 months and he is planning on continuing a relationship with her
Why wouldn't he continue dating her if that relationship is working? It has nothing to do with yours.
I feel so blindsided, shocked, sad, heartbroken. I thought being poly would protect us from this - like we can have these great external connections as well as ours?!
I don't get this. If my relationship with one partner isn't working, my other relationships don't magically fix the issues in that relationship. The good feelings aren't transferable between people. My needs need to be met within a relationship for the relationship to be secure.
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u/GoedeVleermuis 15h ago
Hoi, waar was hij al die tijd dan? Vooral bezig met zichzelf? Laat hem weggaan. Wat een lul.
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u/Conscious_Owl6162 1d ago
Over the last 17 months, how many people did you have sex with? Over the past 17 months, how many people did your husband have sex with? Over that same period, how often were the two of you intimate with one another?
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u/toofat2serve problysaturated 1d ago edited 1d ago
Love is not, cannot be, and will never be enough. Love isn't there to keep a patch on a leaking relationship. It's what leaks out when there's holes.
And I really hope other people read this and understand that a relationship structure, whether it's polyamory, monogamy, or what have you, is only a framework, and if a relationship isn't getting what it needs to survive, the structure won't sustain it.
I'm sorry for your loss. That sucks.