I’ve always wanted to buy myself flowers yet I would guilt myself out of it. Today I was feeling really gross after starting a new medication, having to go get bloodwork, and brace the gloomy weather. Roommate asked me to stop by the store for milk on the way home; and there they were, tucked away in the assorted bouquet section beaming as I debated with myself if I should get something. For the first time ever, there was no guilt. I now see why buying flowers can be part of self love. It’s a really sweet gesture and a token of self appreciation 💖🥰

What are practical ways that you moved from wanting love, to being more than happy in your own company?

Have these included things like affirmations? Talking to yourself?

I do most things alone, including things like hikes and art. I don't mind, but it's boring compared to connection with another person. I also have depression and one of the key feelings I come back to is not feeling good enough.

I'd like to understand how people do it, so I can move towards it. Practical things rather than "just shift your mindset".

Isolation is killing my brain and I don't know how to stop. I have no family or teeth. I WFH. I'm trying to get out but it's hard to make friends as an adult and I can't function. I keep getting sick from stress. I think I need to have more fun in a day in addition to trying to change my situation but I can't even think of anything that sounds fun. Or maybe I do need to focus all my energy on changing my situation and just change my outlook somehow. Life feels unbearable. I really don't want to feel this way.

If it makes you happy to daydream about what could have been, why are you crying?

You lean in your bed, you dont want to wake up, you stare at the ceiling, you close your eyes, you imagine what you were never given, what you always wished you had, what your heart craved

If it makes you happy to accept yourself, why do you feel so much shame?

You look at yourself in the mirror, the ultimate test to find strength, to be able to accept what you see, to forgive yourself for faults that were not your own, to offer pride, affection and happiness that never came from outside to the figure in the glass that stares right back at you.

If it makes you happy to fight it, why do you run from facing your pain?

You press record on your phone and for the first time, you let out all the things you wanted to say that no one ever heard. "Daddy i wanted you to hold me, Mommy I miss how you smiled at me, I wish you would say you are proud of me, my love I can't live without you please dont leave me, my dear friend I miss spending time with you, my dear pet how hard life is now that you have left, grandma I wish I had learned to make your cookies before you left, my son you left us too early you were still so young, sis we used to be so close what happened to us?" You let out your heart. Completely. Fully. And then, you press play to listen to you say what you always wanted to say. Because if anybody deserves to hear it, it's you.

If it makes you happy to feel, why do you hold it back?

You lay in the grass, feel the grass scratching your face and the back of your neck, you look at the sky, and you cry because of how beautiful it is, because you realize each night one of the dots in the sky won't be there tomorrow. And you cry for it because nobody else will. You love touching the people you love, a hand in their hair here, a light touch on the shoulder there, a wrap around their waist over here, and you hum happily every time they let you, and dont say anything. You need it like each breath you take. Milestones, markers to ground you during your reveries, to bring you back to spaces of pure love, without conditions, without reflection, without prior consultation.

If it was makes you happy, why do you apologize for it?

You approach them and tell them I'm sorry but I need you tonight, I want you to hold me. To make my pain shared with each of your breaths, each of the poundings of your heart, each of the strokes of your hand in my hair, on my head.

You hold them close. Firmly, until the pain get smaller. And then you look into their eyes and say I'm sorry but I dont want you to go. Not tonight. Please. Stay with me here, just like this. And you hold them closer, your head on their lap and the world has never been more wonderful.

If it makes you happy, why do you hate yourself for it?

You were told your needs are not needs, theyre inconvenient, they bother others, they make people lose time. So you hate yourself, and it grows, only grows with each year. But you know, inside you, deep inside you, you know. You have always known. They lied to you, they tried to deny you so you could fill their needs instead. They are long gone, and you keep enforcing it for them. Stop. Look at yourself, put a hand on your heart, and say it. Not in hushed whispers, not a mumble under your breath. Loud, a scream for everyone to hear. I deserved to be happy, to get what I need, to love in the way I want to, and no one, absolutely no one can tell you no. No one has the right to tell you you are wrong for having needs.

You know it, i know it. If it makes you happy, live life as you. Always just you. Thats all you need. Thats all we need. You have my word.