A few years ago I read a book called Ultralearning by Scott Young right?

In the book the author essentially taught that the fastest way to learn anything is to do a cursory amount of research… then do as much practice as you can tolerate.

When I wanted to learn how to talk to people after not being socialized my entire childhood here’s the exact routine I used for years:

Wake up, read a social skills book for 10-15 minutes ideally audiobook if you’re going to work/school.

The second you arrive to work/school practice what you just learned.

Then that evening reflect on what went well and what you’ll do better tomorrow.

3 steps + time was all it took me.

And if you’re too intimidated to go for full on conversations from the jump do what I call conversational training wheels:

Can’t hold a conversation?

Try just saying hello.

Can’t say hello?

Try just smiling and waving.

Can’t smile and wave?

Try making eye contact.

Start where you can tolerate then build upon that. Learn a little each day. Integrate that learning with practice.

I can elaborate on this more if anyone’s interested.

I've been trying to figure this out for years, honestly, and today it suddenly clicked.

There are certain types of people with whom I have a tendency to basically go mute - People in high authority, people that I know can "see through" me, large groups, people that I know are crass/outspoken and will openly make fun of others, older people that I know well, etc. -

Essentially, people that I fear will judge me if I speak my mind or show who I truly am (especially if I think I am wanting to say something that challenges their beliefs or ask a question that potentially makes me look stupid).

I often find that my brain goes blank and I just have nothing to say. Or my thought patterns become really basic/almost pure survival and I just say whatever needs to be said to hurt up and get me out of the interaction as quickly as possible.

Sometimes I actually SAY something only to realize that for whatever reason, I'm speaking under my breath, talking WAY quieter than I should be, often to the point that they can't hear me. I'm not witty by nature, and I'm much more of an introvert, so the lack of well-developed conversational skills is a major thorn in all of this.

What can I do to overcome this?

I was just thinking, my ex used to say it was overwhelming and annoying when I used to ask to talk when I was stressed.

I.e.
“Kinda feeling lonely rn, I miss you, want to talk a bit?”
“Do you wanna play/do \[x\] had a rough day.”

And so I was thinking, when I’m feeling like I need connection, is it wrong to ask/say this? Like I do get that everything in large amounts could be a lot, but if I’m having a bad week too and just want to lay down and talk to someone (nothing like venting/serious talks), is this a problem?

If so, how do I go about wanting connection like this and being honest with people on how I’m feeling.

Im not asking for much. Just to a have a friend or 2 that actually care. I can interact normally with other people but the minute i try to join groups, i instantly get turned into the group punching bag and if i try and stand up for myself, i mess it up and become too aggressive. Either that or i hang out with someone for some time then they magically glow up and befriend more known/better people. I dont blame them though. Then the cycle just repeats. Anything i could be doing wrong or am i just cooked?

I want to make personal development in this area one of my long-term goals.

I'd like to become better at:

Emotional intelligence: understanding my own emotions, regulating them, understanding other people's emotions, empathy, handling difficult situations, etc...

Social intelligence: reading social situations, understanding social cues, knowing how to communicate appropriately, building better relationships, and becoming more socially confident, etc...

Practical/street smarts: becoming better at judging situations, reading people, recognizing bad intentions or manipulation, making good decisions in unfamiliar situations, and generally having better real-world awareness, etc....

I already have a rough plan for working on these things through things like reading books (yes i am open to put hard work, will be reading alot of books), journaling, deliberately practicing social skills, observing people and social situations, and putting myself in situations that challenge me.

But I would love to hear from people who have deliberately worked on these skills...

What actually helped you become more emotionally/socially intelligent and confident?

Are there any books, exercises, courses, communities, or habits you'd recommend? And are there any important areas I'm overlooking?

and please, I'm not looking for a quick "10 tips to become charismatic" type of answer. I want to genuinely develop these skills over time! Thanks for reading!

I’m almost 18 and I’ve spent my whole life trying to fit in socially but it just never clicked with me like it stereotypically does with most autistic girls. I have a few friends but I struggle a lot with anxious over sharing, needing to validate everything I say, I feel like when I talk I can sometimes come off self centered. Like I genuinely know what to change and I practice in my head but the second I’m in a social situation I Js blank out and kind of ramble. I find I can be really gullible as well as I struggle to understand when people have ill intentions, it never really made sense to me. I can be really black and white about people and i tend to idolize people who treat me like shit and it usually takes someone else mentioning it for me to notice. I feel like I’m too old for this and it’s kind of pathetic. I was wondering if anyone has ever had similar experiences?

It is a position i find myself in now that I've been putting myself out there more, going to more social events, hobbies, clubs etc. surrounded by lots of people who are there to socialise.

I find once a conversation is started its easy to keep it flowing, i think outside of this i have good social skills, i dont feel anxious or nervous at all... but i can't seem to start conversations unless someone says something to me first. No matter how much i psyche myself up or know they'll probably enjoy having a chat, no words come out to say hi, to someone new and even to people I've met before. I feel kind of like an NPC in a video game, unable to say anything unless interacted with.

**How do you overcome the "barrier" of starting conversations with both strangers and people you know?**

Autistic F22 here. I have one very close friend, who shares a lot of my interests and whom I feel deeply connected to, so I'm not that interested in making MORE friends. I have a few niche interests, and I'm okay with my interests being "my" thing/not having every conversation revolve around them.

My problem is being exhausted talking to other people every day, pretending I care about their jobs or their boyfriends or the place they just came back from vacation, and only feel fulfilled when I return home to do hobbies/engage in my special interests. I'm as open about events in my life I'm looking forward to as they are, but it still feels like fulfilling a script. I can go my whole life without ever worrying about these people again.

This isn't a life I want to live. I'm worried I'll never find a life partner, because I have never found a single man around me worth deeply admiring (aside from two celebrity men three times my age). How do I cultivate a genuine interest in others when it feels like such a chore?

How to talk to people lol

I am 18M and in uni. I am terrible at talking to people that idk. Homeschooling during covid ruined my social skills, like i can't ever think of what to say like my mind draws a blank most of the time. Its worse with women, because when ever I would talk to popular girls in HS they would be like aww hes trying or something like taht so I tend to over think, like is she thinking im hitting on her, is she getting weirded out? With dudes its a bit easier because I dont have alot of that over thinking but my mind still mostly draw a blank when ever I am talking to someone or in a social setting.

Someone help lol how can i fix this. I watch other people talk and everything comes out so quick like they didn't even think about it. Context im a mid over weihjt dude.

Also I watvh all these videos of dudes like saying good morning while walking down the sidewalk and I wanna do that but it feels so weird.

I’m asking this as somebody that has not made a genuine friend since middle school. I’m 21 now. I never quite learned how to approach people, and have always had social anxiety, but I’m socially adjusted for the most part. I maintain my hygiene and skin, have grown out and styled my hair, and have spent thousands on fashion to fit the style that I enjoy. I have hobbies, including art and writing that I’d say I have intermediate proficiency of. For all these reasons, I’ve always had a tendency to sit back and wait for others to approach me (especially in social contexts like club meetings or parties), and when they don’t, I perceive it as a sort of rejection or disinterest, and don’t approach them myself. Now, unfortunately, I’ve gone my entire life since middle school essentially being invisible, so you can imagine how many times I’ve ended up approaching people. It’s to the point where I genuinely don’t understand how it feels to be befriended. Every time I go out to a social, I typically just sit around watching other people socialize. Even when, by some chance I end up talking to someone, it never lasts long. I’ve never gotten the feeling that anyone was ever genuinely interested in me, despite me being interested in a lot of my peers. I also understand that I’m no mind-reader, but you can tell when someone is or isn’t interested in you as a person. I don’t know what friendship looks or feels like, and I’m tired of fantasizing about having a basic social life. I don’t understand why everyone is interested in one another, yet I seemingly have never been interesting enough. The worst part about this all is really the social interactions that end up going nowhere, because of a lack of reciprocated interest.

I (in my 20s) have very underdeveloped social skills and I find it hard to understand social cues especially when it comes to ppl

For example my big brother and I were at someone's wedding when a guy said something that seemed completely normal to me but my brother stopped him and told him to stop messing with me and till this day I have no idea why my brother said that. same thing happens in many other situations sometimes I'll say something or someone will make a passive comment about me. and they and the ppl around them will laugh I can tell they're laughing at me and it feels like the comment was meant to make fun of me but the problem is i have no idea whether they're actually being mean or if I'm just being too paranoid

So can someone please tell me what I should do in these kinds of situations or how I can get better at understanding them?

I (34f) work in an office that only has one other person (56f) in it most of the time. We sometimes share personal drama with each other, but our offices are across the suite from each other, so we have plenty of space and don't talk a lot theoughout the day. That is to say, we are friendly, but not friends.

This doesn't happen often, but occasionally my coworker will say things to me that are delivered as friendly commentary, but come across as an attempt at a subtle dig. I never know if it's intentional, and I don't know how to respond.

Previously, these comments have usually been about my weight or my body. I am short and plus sized, but I eat very healthy most of the time - lots of veggies, fruit, and fish. My coworker has repeatedly said things to me like "I don't understand how you eat the way you do and still aren't skinny" or "if I ate like you, I would be skinny". Sometimes she'll tell me stories about her family or friends, and she always makes sure to describe the people's bodies to me in ways like "she's your size" or "she's probably built like you but taller".

Friday, I was stung by a wasp on the face. The area is swollen and had some fluid trapped in it, which drained last night, but it's still red and inflamed. This morning, my coworker walked into my office, said good morning, and immediately said "wow, you have a huge blemish on your face. I'm not used to seeing you with blemishes". I didn't know how to respond, so just told her what happened.

It doesn't hurt my feelings that she does this, but it irritates me that I have to deal with it. I don't know how to professionally or politely respond to her. I'm starting to feel like she's purposely saying these things as an attempt at being covertly bitchy, in a mean girl kind of way, but I can't really tell. Regardless, I would appreciate any advice on how to handle these situations.

TIA.

My boss treats everyone else at work with kindness and respect.

I''m the intern. She has yelled at me multiple times over the past few months, at the top of her lungs in front of all staff. But when i told a staff she yelled at me, the staff member said she's never heard the boss yell.

I know the yelling is inappropriate because I've worked at other places where bosses don't yell. And I know the boss subconsciously knows it's inappropriate to yell at me because she doesn't yell at anyone else, she goes out of her way to be nice to everyone else.

I'm also the scapegoat. If i make a mistake, i get blamed (rightfully), but my boss has to make a spectacle of it by saying out loud in front of everyone "how do you not know this", "you should know this" and just whinging a lot. If a staff member makes a mistake and I'm involved, then I get blamed, even though I'm the intern under supervision. If a staff member makes a mistake and I'm not involved, then no one gets blamed. The boss even goes out of her way to blame the computer instead, because she cannot fathom that a staff member can make a mistake.

Anyway, I read somewhere that when someone yells, it means they have poor communication skills.

But my boss has excellent communication skills towards everyone else and she is very good at networking. She only has poor communication skills towards me, as she yells and criticises me.

So does that mean she actually has excellent communication skills, but she chooses to use it towards some people and not others?

Hey all,

27F here. Early career, neurodivergent and drastically different from the rest of my coworkers. I grew up extremely sheltered, and now I'm paying for it in the workplace because of my lack of social skills.

I really suck at picking up social cues. I'm paranoid that I may have confided in the wrong people at work about things that probably should have been kept to myself. I personally was not written up for it, but there was a message sent to all staff about professionalism. So there's a possibility it wasn't just me. Work drama was pretty bad this year (think mean girls, guilty by association type shi). Former coworkers have told me who to be careful around, and I am definitely taking their advice going into the next fiscal year. But now I'm paranoid that I've made mistakes and no one has approached me about it BECAUSE of all the work drama that happened.

Idk. I just wish I transferred to another location while I had the chance (it's too late now). I'm not looking forward to going back in a couple weeks. I'm too different from the rest of my coworkers and don't have a work bestie anymore. I don't know who I can trust anymore.

If anyone could pass along other tips, or has also been through something similar, I would really appreciate some input just so I know I'm not alone in feeling this. Thanks

I'm AFAB pangender, not out yet. There's this girl in my dance class, and sometimes she'll walk up to me and say like one word with a hand motion and then just stare at me, waiting for a response. It's almost never one she's done before, the only ones I can think of right now are 'nails' with the gay hand thing, and 'mouse' and stole my cookie. I'm an introvert, not shy just don't talk to people much, do people do that often? What do I do/say in response?

I know this person through a mutual activity, but they haven't really been active recently and I honestly really liked talking to them before, but now I feel like there isn't an "in" for me to talk to them. My biggest fear though is that they might see any attempt to talk to them as advances. I was able to talk to them about musicals when the hadestown pro shot came out, but that just died down kinda quick.

For a bit more context, we're both in college, different STEM courses in the same campus, I'm one year their senior. We also live in the same building

I also suck at socializing, just kinda always felt like everyone else had this rule book I never got.

So I’m in college junior year and I have a small group of people I’d say are my friends. But I feel like I’m not really close to anyone? How can I fix this disconnect?

Issue with me is I’m mostly just there, idk how to really say anything in a convo. Or like I’m only good at small talk. My issue is if I don’t have anything to say I’d stay quiet, or if the person I’m talking to doesn’t have anything in common with me I’d just not talk at all really

What are some conversation starters I can use? Or how do you guys try to make friends/deepen the friendship? I feel more like a third party even when I am included so feels like a skill issue on my part

I’ve recently had the same complaint from multiple family members (my cousin, younger brother, sister-in-law, and aunt) that I don’t message enough and take too long to reply.

They’re not entirely wrong. I’ll often read a message and if it’s not urgent reply a day or two later. If someone needs advice or help, I’ll respond immediately . But if it’s a casual chat or something they saw online I don’t feel the need to answer immediately.

I’m 32, work full time and spend most of my free time reading, post graduate studying, sewing, watching documentaries, or pursuing other hobbies. I’ve always been someone who values my alone time and doesn’t naturally maintain relationships through constant messaging. I much prefer face to face interactions in fact I love them. I love hosting once in a while too for a nice get together with family.

What’s making me question myself is that so many people have raised the same issue. I don’t share much about my life, I rarely talk about my problems, and I’m not someone who updates people on small achievements. Yet I’m always there when someone genuinely needs advice, support, or help.

Part of me feels like I’m being selfish, but another part feels like this is simply my personality and that daily communication with multiple people is emotionally draining for me.

I’ve noticed that I have some traits commonly associated with autism but I haven’t been professionally diagnosed.

Has anyone else felt this way? Am I being inconsiderate, or is this just a different way of relating to people?

So, I’m an introvert and I’m ok with that but, my social battery shrinked. And idk what to do.

I just came back to school today and I already felt drained.
I talked to some friends and all but everytime they stopped talking to me for one second I fled and went in a corner alone. If I could’ve hide myself in hole I would’ve.
My social battery has never been so low, I never felt the need to find a cosy corner to hide and be alone so quickly with my friends.
But I wanted to socialise this year
I’m not really shy, I don’t have social anxiety anymore, a bit of awkwardness from time to time but I learned how to deal w that. It’s just that I don’t want to talk to ppl. But I want to. But I don’t.
What can I do?

TL;DR: I can do small talk, surface convo etc., can't get further than that. Think people dislike me as a person, maybe bc I'm annoying or boring, know I'm not a bad person and people say I'm funny, need advice on how to figure out the problem so I can improve

I used to be so sociable and fun, people loved being around me, had lots of friends. But then some traumatic things happened so I socially isolated for a few years (had therapy) and got ADHD diagnosed, started meds which dulled my fun side and has slowed me down - i.e. used to be good at quick, witty comments which is a skill now 6ft under. I struggle to function without meds so they're necessary.

Spent years trying to improve, finally have friends again but that group just dropped from 6 to 3. We're at uni and by next June the other 2 are gone. I've been in my job for 3 years and can make casual convo, but I found out today most of the staff all go out together. There was a social event today, everyone from my team left to go pub and didn't even look my way. I get I'm quiet and not as close with everyone but that's realistically how you leave when you're avoiding someone you don't like. I don't get what about me is so bad that I'm being avoided. They're nice people and I'd think they'd be the type to invite quiet people to stop them from being left out. Plus if nice people don't like me then what does that say about me.

I think I'm sometimes annoying by the responses I get, but I never know if something is annoying until I see reactions nor can I seem to predict it or find a pattern. I also didn't think it was bad enough that people actively dislike me.

There's a good chance I'm autistic, but a lot of my colleagues are too given the field. I know I'm not a bad person. People that know me say I'm funny. Management love me (including one that hates everyone) and were even protective over me when I had a bad ex so I'm clearly likeable to an extent. Being annoying or boring are the only things I can think of. But how do I not be boring without knowing people well enough to make interesting conversation?! What's confusing is when there's new hires, we get on well and they'll be closest to me but over time my personality doesn't open up as quick as other staff and I'm back to where I was.

I'm at a loss, it's depressing feeling so socially isolated in a room full of people you've known for years and then knowing my only friends are on a timer. I've worked on small talk and asking questions/being curious and yes it's helped, but it's clearly deeper than that and there's something I'm missing. So like the title, how on earth do I figure this out?

Today at work, one of my coworkers began getting emotional when talking about putting his two weeks in. He’s been with this restaurant for 5 years and made many friends along the way, so naturally departing is sad. But as he recalled the sad reaction of our managers, his eyes were getting super glossy.

I just froze and I feel like an asshole. I didn’t want to comfort him and potentially make him more sad (he was clearly fighting back the tears), but I also didn’t want to be insensitive and just stand there. I ended up doing the latter while nodding every so often. He eventually gathered himself and changed topics which was much easier to respond to.

I could’ve definitely done more. What would you have done?

100% legit question. Like for example I tell someone "I was thinking of going to X" and the person's like "omggg can I come too? The country sounds amazing". Like I know that usually people only say it as a replacement for "omggg that is so amazing, I wish it were me" but what are you supposed to reply? Are you supposed to suggest the person also comes? Are you supposed to just laugh it off?

To clarify, the person doesn't personally know the people that I will be going with. I am asking because there is probably some expected response in this situation that doesn't completely brush this person off but also doesn't create committment. I really don't feel like they actually tried to invite themselves

Just curious because it happened to me twice this week that I pulled up my profile on someone else’s phone but I didn’t press „follow“ and they never ended up following me. I don’t want to be presumptuous by following myself but then again I don’t know why you would ask someone for their insta if you weren’t planning to follow them. What’s normal to do in this situation?

I want to spend this month really trying to push myself through various challenges to help me push out of my comfort zone and help to improve my social skills and confidence.

I started this at the beginning of the year and so far have been able to do some challenges such as going to the cinema, going for a run in public, having a coffee in shop.

But I'm struggling to bridge the gap and to think of additional challenges. So far I have the following.

1. Cinema trip. Continuing to go to the cinema, aiming for twice in the month.
2. Shopping centre and coffee in-shop.
3. Going to a local car-boot sale or flea market.
4. Going to the club for 30-60 minutes.
5. Going to an event at a bar/club for 30-60 minutes.
6. Continue running in public.
7. Content creation. Streaming games online, or making content for Youtube/Tiktok. (Not sure about this one).

I also had the idea of going to a gig in a different city but it would be so expensive so I'm not sure.

Any other ideas?