A few years ago I read a book called Ultralearning by Scott Young right?

In the book the author essentially taught that the fastest way to learn anything is to do a cursory amount of research… then do as much practice as you can tolerate.

When I wanted to learn how to talk to people after not being socialized my entire childhood here’s the exact routine I used for years:

Wake up, read a social skills book for 10-15 minutes ideally audiobook if you’re going to work/school.

The second you arrive to work/school practice what you just learned.

Then that evening reflect on what went well and what you’ll do better tomorrow.

3 steps + time was all it took me.

And if you’re too intimidated to go for full on conversations from the jump do what I call conversational training wheels:

Can’t hold a conversation?

Try just saying hello.

Can’t say hello?

Try just smiling and waving.

Can’t smile and wave?

Try making eye contact.

Start where you can tolerate then build upon that. Learn a little each day. Integrate that learning with practice.

I can elaborate on this more if anyone’s interested.

I have this one friend who everyone likes a lot, but except for me. Like for some reason I just find them so annoying and don't find the appeal of them. I genuinely feel like I'm the problem but I just can't stop feeling this way. They do very annoying stuff, which for some reason no one else minds. How do I feel less annoyed? I don't understand how I'm the only one getting annoyed by them!!

I’m growing increasingly frustrated and bitter I get left out from conversations because my partners group only speaks Chinese.

I tried to learn but it’s really hard and with so much on my plate outside of that I got too much going on

What u all suggest ?

I've been trying to figure this out for years, honestly, and today it suddenly clicked.

There are certain types of people with whom I have a tendency to basically go mute - People in high authority, people that I know can "see through" me, large groups, people that I know are crass/outspoken and will openly make fun of others, older people that I know well, etc. -

Essentially, people that I fear will judge me if I speak my mind or show who I truly am (especially if I think I am wanting to say something that challenges their beliefs or ask a question that potentially makes me look stupid).

I often find that my brain goes blank and I just have nothing to say. Or my thought patterns become really basic/almost pure survival and I just say whatever needs to be said to hurt up and get me out of the interaction as quickly as possible.

Sometimes I actually SAY something only to realize that for whatever reason, I'm speaking under my breath, talking WAY quieter than I should be, often to the point that they can't hear me. I'm not witty by nature, and I'm much more of an introvert, so the lack of well-developed conversational skills is a major thorn in all of this.

What can I do to overcome this?

I was just thinking, my ex used to say it was overwhelming and annoying when I used to ask to talk when I was stressed.

I.e.
“Kinda feeling lonely rn, I miss you, want to talk a bit?”
“Do you wanna play/do \[x\] had a rough day.”

And so I was thinking, when I’m feeling like I need connection, is it wrong to ask/say this? Like I do get that everything in large amounts could be a lot, but if I’m having a bad week too and just want to lay down and talk to someone (nothing like venting/serious talks), is this a problem?

If so, how do I go about wanting connection like this and being honest with people on how I’m feeling.

I never really had many friends in school and I was always left out and I believe its because I’m awkward. Now Im doing online school for a bit and ive moved away so i dont have friends in real life anymore, ive been trying to make online friends because of this but i kid you not every single time im in a groupchat or server for the past year or two I’m Always always left out, forgotten, not sticking to anybody. And since it’s online you can say anything really. So how am I still getting left out, it makes me feel life something is wrong with me :( i dont know what to do, any tips?

Im not asking for much. Just to a have a friend or 2 that actually care. I can interact normally with other people but the minute i try to join groups, i instantly get turned into the group punching bag and if i try and stand up for myself, i mess it up and become too aggressive. Either that or i hang out with someone for some time then they magically glow up and befriend more known/better people. I dont blame them though. Then the cycle just repeats. Anything i could be doing wrong or am i just cooked?

When I’m walking home with a friend, I sometimes feel like I have to keep the conversation going. I try to bring up topics, but afterward I end up mentally exhausted.

On the other hand, when neither of us is talking, I feel awkward about the silence.

How do you all spend that kind of quiet time?

Is it normal to just walk together without talking at all?

I (34f) work in an office that only has one other person (56f) in it most of the time. We sometimes share personal drama with each other, but our offices are across the suite from each other, so we have plenty of space and don't talk a lot theoughout the day. That is to say, we are friendly, but not friends.

This doesn't happen often, but occasionally my coworker will say things to me that are delivered as friendly commentary, but come across as an attempt at a subtle dig. I never know if it's intentional, and I don't know how to respond.

Previously, these comments have usually been about my weight or my body. I am short and plus sized, but I eat very healthy most of the time - lots of veggies, fruit, and fish. My coworker has repeatedly said things to me like "I don't understand how you eat the way you do and still aren't skinny" or "if I ate like you, I would be skinny". Sometimes she'll tell me stories about her family or friends, and she always makes sure to describe the people's bodies to me in ways like "she's your size" or "she's probably built like you but taller".

Friday, I was stung by a wasp on the face. The area is swollen and had some fluid trapped in it, which drained last night, but it's still red and inflamed. This morning, my coworker walked into my office, said good morning, and immediately said "wow, you have a huge blemish on your face. I'm not used to seeing you with blemishes". I didn't know how to respond, so just told her what happened.

It doesn't hurt my feelings that she does this, but it irritates me that I have to deal with it. I don't know how to professionally or politely respond to her. I'm starting to feel like she's purposely saying these things as an attempt at being covertly bitchy, in a mean girl kind of way, but I can't really tell. Regardless, I would appreciate any advice on how to handle these situations.

TIA.

My boss treats everyone else at work with kindness and respect.

I''m the intern. She has yelled at me multiple times over the past few months, at the top of her lungs in front of all staff. But when i told a staff she yelled at me, the staff member said she's never heard the boss yell.

I know the yelling is inappropriate because I've worked at other places where bosses don't yell. And I know the boss subconsciously knows it's inappropriate to yell at me because she doesn't yell at anyone else, she goes out of her way to be nice to everyone else.

I'm also the scapegoat. If i make a mistake, i get blamed (rightfully), but my boss has to make a spectacle of it by saying out loud in front of everyone "how do you not know this", "you should know this" and just whinging a lot. If a staff member makes a mistake and I'm involved, then I get blamed, even though I'm the intern under supervision. If a staff member makes a mistake and I'm not involved, then no one gets blamed. The boss even goes out of her way to blame the computer instead, because she cannot fathom that a staff member can make a mistake.

Anyway, I read somewhere that when someone yells, it means they have poor communication skills.

But my boss has excellent communication skills towards everyone else and she is very good at networking. She only has poor communication skills towards me, as she yells and criticises me.

So does that mean she actually has excellent communication skills, but she chooses to use it towards some people and not others?

I been dealing with this since childhood. Its cute and all when ur a kid maybe when ur a teen too but then the real world hits and shyness becomes a symbol of weakness especially when ur a male. Im now 32, married and has a kid and it makes me sad that im still shy, mainly because i have lost so many good opportunities in the past to make friends, relationships etc. basically missing out of opportunities when it comes to people or carrier it effects me almost in everything. Im less shy now than before thats good but still shy compared to the average person especially when it comes to meeting new people. Any advise how u handled it/overcame it?

Hi everyone,

My wife has been planning family photos for both our families for nearly a year. Her family is large, a couple dozen people. She has been wrangling them for months, and now we’re about a week away.

She’s had a $600 deposit down with our photographer for nearly a year as well. They’ve discussed it in detail, down to tide charts. It’s a beach and we’ve had photographs there before turn out lovely.

So tonight the photographer emails my wife and says the lighting is too harsh at the chosen location (we’d be photographing at sunset…) and she basically said do it at the dog park near her house or she can recommend someone else who would be willing to do it at our location. (It is, to be fair, a pretty pastoral dog park.)

So we’re fairly upset. We’ve given this photographer a lot of good business. We’ve always promoted her work on socials. We’ve gone out of our way on a couple occasions to do kindnesses to her. She’s impressed upon us that times are tough. But now I feel like she is being unprofessional and unreasonable and it’s coming out of nowhere, like she just can’t be arsed to drive more than a mile from her house.

My intended approach is to give the photographer a night to sleep on it, and then seek empathy. Write to her in order to impress upon her how much work it took for my wife to coordinate this session. State we respect her aesthetics but that reorganizing the shoot with a week’s notice will be highly difficult, and risk no shows. Moreover, it won’t match my wife’s vision, what we’ve been planning all this time.

I’ve even thought about reiterating that we’ve been discussing this for months, this hasn’t come up before, and try to ask, with sympathy, if there is something else going on that we’re not being told.

My wife feels caught in a bind. She feels like if she pushes for the original location, we’ll get cancelled on or the photographer will be antagonistic or do subpar work. She also feels railroaded into the new location.

I know this may seem silly but we’re moving pretty far away in a bit over a year, and this may be the last time we get the immediate families together.

How you approach this? Any advice is appreciated.

I want to make personal development in this area one of my long-term goals.

I'd like to become better at:

Emotional intelligence: understanding my own emotions, regulating them, understanding other people's emotions, empathy, handling difficult situations, etc...

Social intelligence: reading social situations, understanding social cues, knowing how to communicate appropriately, building better relationships, and becoming more socially confident, etc...

Practical/street smarts: becoming better at judging situations, reading people, recognizing bad intentions or manipulation, making good decisions in unfamiliar situations, and generally having better real-world awareness, etc....

I already have a rough plan for working on these things through things like reading books (yes i am open to put hard work, will be reading alot of books), journaling, deliberately practicing social skills, observing people and social situations, and putting myself in situations that challenge me.

But I would love to hear from people who have deliberately worked on these skills...

What actually helped you become more emotionally/socially intelligent and confident?

Are there any books, exercises, courses, communities, or habits you'd recommend? And are there any important areas I'm overlooking?

and please, I'm not looking for a quick "10 tips to become charismatic" type of answer. I want to genuinely develop these skills over time! Thanks for reading!

So I’m in college junior year and I have a small group of people I’d say are my friends. But I feel like I’m not really close to anyone? How can I fix this disconnect?

Issue with me is I’m mostly just there, idk how to really say anything in a convo. Or like I’m only good at small talk. My issue is if I don’t have anything to say I’d stay quiet, or if the person I’m talking to doesn’t have anything in common with me I’d just not talk at all really

What are some conversation starters I can use? Or how do you guys try to make friends/deepen the friendship? I feel more like a third party even when I am included so feels like a skill issue on my part

I am in college, and I really struggle socially to a point people often ask if I'm autistic. My husband (who is diagnosed neurodivergent) is convinced I am.

Anyways, in several of my classes, I have had grades drop because i can never fulfill the engagement/discussion requirement.

The reason this happens is because there is always one or two students who dominate class discussions.

They think and speak so fast I never have enough time to process then respond.

Then when I do, I always interrupt them due to my inability to understand conversation timing.

And then classmates start to dislike me because they perceive me as rude.

Eventually I shut down emotionally and tune out the lesson. I don't like competing to be heard.

How do i jump in discussions without being rude?

I know this person through a mutual activity, but they haven't really been active recently and I honestly really liked talking to them before, but now I feel like there isn't an "in" for me to talk to them. My biggest fear though is that they might see any attempt to talk to them as advances. I was able to talk to them about musicals when the hadestown pro shot came out, but that just died down kinda quick.

For a bit more context, we're both in college, different STEM courses in the same campus, I'm one year their senior. We also live in the same building

I also suck at socializing, just kinda always felt like everyone else had this rule book I never got.

Autistic F22 here. I have one very close friend, who shares a lot of my interests and whom I feel deeply connected to, so I'm not that interested in making MORE friends. I have a few niche interests, and I'm okay with my interests being "my" thing/not having every conversation revolve around them.

My problem is being exhausted talking to other people every day, pretending I care about their jobs or their boyfriends or the place they just came back from vacation, and only feel fulfilled when I return home to do hobbies/engage in my special interests. I'm as open about events in my life I'm looking forward to as they are, but it still feels like fulfilling a script. I can go my whole life without ever worrying about these people again.

This isn't a life I want to live. I'm worried I'll never find a life partner, because I have never found a single man around me worth deeply admiring (aside from two celebrity men three times my age). How do I cultivate a genuine interest in others when it feels like such a chore?

It is a position i find myself in now that I've been putting myself out there more, going to more social events, hobbies, clubs etc. surrounded by lots of people who are there to socialise.

I find once a conversation is started its easy to keep it flowing, i think outside of this i have good social skills, i dont feel anxious or nervous at all... but i can't seem to start conversations unless someone says something to me first. No matter how much i psyche myself up or know they'll probably enjoy having a chat, no words come out to say hi, to someone new and even to people I've met before. I feel kind of like an NPC in a video game, unable to say anything unless interacted with.

**How do you overcome the "barrier" of starting conversations with both strangers and people you know?**

How to talk to people lol

I am 18M and in uni. I am terrible at talking to people that idk. Homeschooling during covid ruined my social skills, like i can't ever think of what to say like my mind draws a blank most of the time. Its worse with women, because when ever I would talk to popular girls in HS they would be like aww hes trying or something like taht so I tend to over think, like is she thinking im hitting on her, is she getting weirded out? With dudes its a bit easier because I dont have alot of that over thinking but my mind still mostly draw a blank when ever I am talking to someone or in a social setting.

Someone help lol how can i fix this. I watch other people talk and everything comes out so quick like they didn't even think about it. Context im a mid over weihjt dude.

Also I watvh all these videos of dudes like saying good morning while walking down the sidewalk and I wanna do that but it feels so weird.

So, I’m an introvert and I’m ok with that but, my social battery shrinked. And idk what to do.

I just came back to school today and I already felt drained.
I talked to some friends and all but everytime they stopped talking to me for one second I fled and went in a corner alone. If I could’ve hide myself in hole I would’ve.
My social battery has never been so low, I never felt the need to find a cosy corner to hide and be alone so quickly with my friends.
But I wanted to socialise this year
I’m not really shy, I don’t have social anxiety anymore, a bit of awkwardness from time to time but I learned how to deal w that. It’s just that I don’t want to talk to ppl. But I want to. But I don’t.
What can I do?

A couple weeks ago i asked a friend of 3 years what she would describe me as, she told me that she didn't know me well enough. And just today another friend said i don't talk about myself. It was really a really odd moment but i think it may be my problem. I have no idea what i could be doing wrong. I will say i'm rarely vulnerable with people but idk, maybe they have different standards of getting to know someone than i do, because i'd say i know them very well.

Has this happened to you, if anything i heard of people feeling they're misunderstood, while i felt I was understood and really wasnt

I (in my 20s) have very underdeveloped social skills and I find it hard to understand social cues especially when it comes to ppl

For example my big brother and I were at someone's wedding when a guy said something that seemed completely normal to me but my brother stopped him and told him to stop messing with me and till this day I have no idea why my brother said that. same thing happens in many other situations sometimes I'll say something or someone will make a passive comment about me. and they and the ppl around them will laugh I can tell they're laughing at me and it feels like the comment was meant to make fun of me but the problem is i have no idea whether they're actually being mean or if I'm just being too paranoid

So can someone please tell me what I should do in these kinds of situations or how I can get better at understanding them?

Hey all,

27F here. Early career, neurodivergent and drastically different from the rest of my coworkers. I grew up extremely sheltered, and now I'm paying for it in the workplace because of my lack of social skills.

I really suck at picking up social cues. I'm paranoid that I may have confided in the wrong people at work about things that probably should have been kept to myself. I personally was not written up for it, but there was a message sent to all staff about professionalism. So there's a possibility it wasn't just me. Work drama was pretty bad this year (think mean girls, guilty by association type shi). Former coworkers have told me who to be careful around, and I am definitely taking their advice going into the next fiscal year. But now I'm paranoid that I've made mistakes and no one has approached me about it BECAUSE of all the work drama that happened.

Idk. I just wish I transferred to another location while I had the chance (it's too late now). I'm not looking forward to going back in a couple weeks. I'm too different from the rest of my coworkers and don't have a work bestie anymore. I don't know who I can trust anymore.

If anyone could pass along other tips, or has also been through something similar, I would really appreciate some input just so I know I'm not alone in feeling this. Thanks

I’m asking this as somebody that has not made a genuine friend since middle school. I’m 21 now. I never quite learned how to approach people, and have always had social anxiety, but I’m socially adjusted for the most part. I maintain my hygiene and skin, have grown out and styled my hair, and have spent thousands on fashion to fit the style that I enjoy. I have hobbies, including art and writing that I’d say I have intermediate proficiency of. For all these reasons, I’ve always had a tendency to sit back and wait for others to approach me (especially in social contexts like club meetings or parties), and when they don’t, I perceive it as a sort of rejection or disinterest, and don’t approach them myself. Now, unfortunately, I’ve gone my entire life since middle school essentially being invisible, so you can imagine how many times I’ve ended up approaching people. It’s to the point where I genuinely don’t understand how it feels to be befriended. Every time I go out to a social, I typically just sit around watching other people socialize. Even when, by some chance I end up talking to someone, it never lasts long. I’ve never gotten the feeling that anyone was ever genuinely interested in me, despite me being interested in a lot of my peers. I also understand that I’m no mind-reader, but you can tell when someone is or isn’t interested in you as a person. I don’t know what friendship looks or feels like, and I’m tired of fantasizing about having a basic social life. I don’t understand why everyone is interested in one another, yet I seemingly have never been interesting enough. The worst part about this all is really the social interactions that end up going nowhere, because of a lack of reciprocated interest.