TW: trauma, CSA, BDSM, rape

Recently, my CPTSD symptoms have gotten worse, and the anniversary of my trauma is coming up, which has brought up a lot of pain and made me replay what happened in my head again and again.

I’m writing this post to… tell my story, I guess. Maybe someone can relate. Maybe someone can give me their perspective. Or maybe I just need someone to listen.

Maybe… just maybe… I still feel guilty. I know that it’s his actions that were bad and it’s not my fault, but I feel guilty that maybe it wasn’t rape. I don’t know.

That evening he came to me. At that time we were long distance and I haven’t seen him for a while. I missed him, we started kissing in bed. But I stopped him.

Previously that day I had a hard time, I think I had seizures (I suffer from PNES). I told him I don’t want to do anything sexual. He stopped.
Here is some important background: at that period of time I was finally getting treatment for sexual abuse I went through as a child, which caused relapse and my mental state was horrible as I was dealing with previous trauma. I did some bad things to regain sense of control of my body: I used bdsm as a way to hurt myself. We were in sado masochistic relationships where he was hurting me (consensually). I he was also choking me (when I was a child my abuser choked me). I felt like if I repeated those actions but this time I gave my consent, it would give me sense of control. In fact, I think it was only hurting me even more. But fore a minute, just a minute, it gave me a sense of control over my body.
But it wasn’t just wanting control. I also just wanted to be abused and hurt. I know, it’s sick. But I wanted it. Wanted to be hurt deeply. At that time my self-harm was very severe that it got to the point that it was just not enough and I needed to be hurt even more. By someone else.

Back to September 26 – I told him that I didn’t want to do anything sexual that night (I really didn’t) and he stopped.
But then I did something that I still blame myself for. I told him that even that I don’t want to do anything sexual, if he wanted to, I would let him do whatever wants to me/use me. And still, it wasn’t like “I want you to use me” because I told him that DESPITE NOT WANTING TO DO ANYTHING SEXUAL. He knew I didn’t want it. Also, he was my dom so in my head it wasn’t like we were equal during regular sex. I was in some other state of mind where I was very… out of control?
He continued. We had sex. And I didn’t stopped him. I could’ve used my safe word but I didn’t. Because I wanted to be abused. Wanted to be hurt. Wanted to be raped.

And he did it.

Reposting because I'm desperate for help tbh.

I went to see spiderman With a friend last night and we were waiting for the last clip after the credits and I thought I saw Jon's name.

I always look for it as he works on those kind of movies. I don't know why. I need to read all the names to be sure he isn't in them and I feel like i need to hide if he is.

I'm not sure if it was him or someone else with that name but the uncertainty has made me edgy.

Then I had a nightmare. It was happening again, repeat memory. He was holding me down, I was crying, in agony and he was covering my mouth. I was trying to say stop but it wasn't coming out clearly under his hand and I was trying to move to stop him but the pain was paralysing.

I was trying to tell someone what happened in the nightmare but he was there and he told them I was play acting but I promise I wasn't. He kept saying 'she didn't say anything' but I couldn't he was covering my mouth, he wouldn't let me speak and the screams were muffled. I was trying to tell the person that but I couldn't speak again and I was looking at him in shock. I wanted to scream 'but you wouldn't let me you wouldn't stop. I wasn't play acting I wasn't but nothing came out just open mouth and tears.

I was so angry at him and I wanted to scream at the person the truth but nothing came out and he was telling them that I was lying we were playing and I was just staring at him angry and confused because he knew didn't he? He saw that I was crying, he didn't care. He kept telling me to be quiet, that the neighbours would hear.

Did he really think I was playing? I was so dumbfounded and angry because I wasn't saying anything in the dream. I had a million things to scream but nothing was coming out.

I was scared that the person would believe him. They were looking at him but it's like they couldn't see me but he could do they must have known I was there.

But I think my dreams are messed up because I never had that conversation with Jon. We never spoke about it.

It was Lewis that told the police we were role playing, not Jon. I never went to the police about Jon. I couldn't. I told the police he was lying, that we never role played, that was never ever a discussion. I never even entertained that thought let alone do it makes me sick that he'd say that.

But the dream was about Jon not Lewis and I still couldn't speak or move, just pathetically cry while he spewed lies.

I'm laying here awake and angry and feeling sick. I want to scream. Why can't I speak even in my nightmares. It's just history replaying but it gets worse and worse every time and more and more twisted and disjointed.

hey this is my first time using reddit so sorry if im using it wrong but im female 14yo and i have always struggled with mental health and i've been cutting since 10ish or so and ive been i and out off mental hospitals but i now have a therapist (my appointment is tomorrow as of 9/1/2026) and i thought maybe if i saw other people cutting it would make me not want to? so i looked it up and found a site but this it it was different, the girl killed herself i was in shock, i never thought i cred about other people till i saw that im only 14 please help.

I don't even know how to explain my family situation without making it sound dramatic, but I think I need to get this out somewhere.

I come from a very strict family. Since I was a girl, there were always restrictions on where I could go, what I could do, and how I interacted with the world. I wasn't really allowed to experience life the way other teenagers did.

My parents had an arranged marriage. My mother had a government job and my father was a mechanic. Their relationship was difficult. My father was very controlling and often didn't treat my mother kindly.

Before my brother was born, my mother had a miscarriage. She was already a very emotional person, and after losing that baby, she struggled to move on.

Then my brother was born.

She became extremely protective of him. She wouldn't let him go outside much. Whenever my father told him to do something, she would sometimes stop him. He became the child everyone worried about.

Then I was born.

I was the "good child." I never gave my parents reasons to worry. I didn't do things they would be ashamed of. I tried to help my mother and keep peace between my parents. I learned very early to be responsible and not create problems.

But when I became an adult, things became much worse.

My mother's brother borrowed money from her and other relatives for a school he was building. My mother had no other option at the time. When my father found out, everything exploded.

When I was in 12th grade, my father even tried to hang himself. I was studying for an exam while all of this was happening. He eventually stopped, but when I tried to talk to him, he screamed at me.

After that, he started posting things on Facebook about how my mother had betrayed him. My mother eventually ran away from the house because of everything that was happening. A relative found her before anything happened to her.

The environment at home became unbearable.

My father stopped talking to me for around six months. He didn't ask where I was going to college. He didn't ask what college I was attending. He never came to drop me at my hostel.

I was struggling badly with anxiety during my first year. It became so severe that I would physically get sick.

Because of health issues, I had to stay with my cousins for some time, and they were very mean and rude to me. Eventually I moved into a PG with my school friends, and things started getting a little better.

I still struggle with anxiety, though. Sometimes I become so overwhelmed that I can't even speak.

And then there is my brother.

He is older than me. He struggled academically, took longer than expected to finish his engineering degree, and has now been unemployed for around two years.

My mother still supports him.

He knows that she will be there for him even if he doesn't work. He knows exactly how to use her soft spot for him. And what hurts me isn't even that she supports him.

It's that sometimes she doesn't trust me the way she trusts him.

Once, a classmate messaged me on Snapchat to wish me happy birthday. My brother saw it and told my mother. He basically said that if I didn't have anything to hide, I should show her my phone.

I actually had nothing to hide.

But I was hurt that my mother believed him so easily.

She knows me. She knows what kind of person I am. She knows everything I've sacrificed and how careful I've always been.

Yet somehow, if my brother says something about me, she believes him first.

And I have to beg my brother for help with even small things, like filling out an exam form. Yet whenever the family needs advice or help, they come to me.

I feel like I'm useful when someone needs something from me, but invisible when I need someone.

There is another thing that hurts me deeply.

My mother once told me that she doesn't want me to get a job before my brother because he is older and "he won't feel good."

That sentence broke something inside me.

I have spent my entire life trying to be the responsible daughter. I am trying to build my career. I am trying to become independent.

And somehow, I'm supposed to hold myself back so that my brother doesn't feel bad?

I know my mother loves me. I genuinely believe she does.

But I also feel that she has a different kind of love for my brother. Maybe because of the miscarriage. Maybe because she became overprotective of him. Maybe because of everything that happened in our family.

I don't know.

Sometimes I even think, What if she had never had that miscarriage and I had never been born?

I hate that I think this way, because I love my mother. But sometimes I wonder whether my entire life would have been different if I had been the child she had been waiting for.

I've never had a relationship. No love marriage is really allowed in my family. Even the idea of trusting someone scares me.

I've watched my father blame my mother and I've watched my mother stay despite everything. I've seen what happens when someone becomes emotionally dependent on another person.

So now I'm terrified of trusting anyone.

Sometimes I think, If my own family couldn't make me feel completely safe, why would some random man ever love me enough to stay?

People often say that girls who grow up in dysfunctional families look for love outside the family.

I didn't.

I became too scared to even start.

I feel like I missed out on so many normal experiences because I was afraid of what could happen.

I don't think my family is completely loveless. That's what makes this so confusing.

I know they love me.

But sometimes love doesn't feel like enough when you constantly feel like you're the second choice.

I don't want to hate my brother. I don't want my mother to stop loving him.

I just want to feel like I matter too.

I want someone in my family to choose me without me having to earn it by being useful, obedient, or "the good daughter."

I'm in my 20s now, and I don't know how to stop carrying all of this.

If you grew up in a family like this, how did you learn to stop feeling like you were less important?

And how do you learn to trust people when your childhood taught you that depending on someone can hurt you?

During my first year of uni (I’m now in my third year), I met a guy who I eventually became friends with. I was somewhat drawn to him, but I wasn’t really sure how I felt about him because I hadn’t experienced many crushes before. We would hang out occasionally, and he was one of the first people I became genuinely close with at school.
One evening, I ended up spending time with him at my place. I wanted to hang out in the common area, but he wanted to go somewhere more private. I wasn’t really comfortable with that, and I remember trying to resist the idea but ultimately feeling like I couldn’t really stop it.
Once we were alone, he started touching me more and more. I wasn’t sure how to react, and when it became apparent that he wanted things to become sexual, I tried making excuses, like saying I was tired and wanted to sleep. I was trying to prevent things from escalating without directly confronting him, but he continued anyway.
Eventually, I managed to get him to stop, but he stayed over despite me wanting to go to sleep. The next morning, he initiated sexual contact again. I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening, and afterward I felt physically and emotionally gross for quite a while.
At the time, I had always struggled with standing up for myself. I had spent much of my teenage years dealing with depression and anxiety, and standing up to people who mistreated me was something I found extremely difficult. When I got to college, I desperately wanted people to like me and was willing to tolerate a lot to avoid conflict or losing people.
I also didn’t have a very large social circle at the time, and he was one of the first people I had become close with. That made everything more complicated because I didn’t want to lose one of the few friendships I had managed to form.
I was also confused about my feelings toward him. I think I was somewhat attracted to him, but I didn’t understand those feelings very well. That made it difficult for me to reconcile the fact that I was attracted to him with the fact that I didn’t want what happened that night.
It’s been nearly two years. I still don’t know how to tell people. Not even the people closest to me know what happened. I don’t even know if this constitutes as sexual assault, though I do feel I was violated. And I desperately want to share it with someone because it’s suffocating.

(F22) Last fall/winter I went through a bad period. I had relapsed into my eating disorder pretty badly, I was unemployed, and I was very lonely and isolated. Things are better(?) now (still not good, a different type of bad I suppose) but my sister recently bought the same scented handsoap we had back then and I cannot stand the smell of it. It makes me nauseous. It did not last year. I have been using my facial cleanser to wash my hands instead. I have never had this type of reaction to something before. I guess it's just confusing me/taking me a while to process because nothing bad happened to me, I was not hurt or in danger, it was just a shitty mental health period. I suppose I just needed somewhere to talk about this as its the first time I have had this type of reaction to something

I’m a 31 year old male with Enmeshment Trauma and CPTSD. The main reason why I’m posting here is because I don’t have the nerve to talk about any of this to a therapist and I don’t have anyone in my life to talk to. I don’t have any friends and don’t think I would even be able to tell them all of this. It’s a lot and I can’t even imagine myself saying any of this out loud honestly. My parents are the only people in my life and they are the main cause of all this to begin with. Long story short I have tried telling them how I feel/felt and they have no idea what they did. All they say is either “they just love me…” or “we don’t remember that…” or “that never happened…”.

I can answer questions to get into but long story short I have Enmeshment trauma from my parents and CPTSD from that and bullying and neglect from my school years.

I’ve never kissed a girl, have had a girlfriend, been on a date or had sex. Had no real friends or been to a party or get together. All of this because of being isolated for most of my childhood and then no self esteem or confidence when I got older into today.

The hardest parts to deal with are the years wasted and not being able to get over the face I’ll never be what I could of or should’ve been. I had many interests but one by one they were shut down my parents. Either because they didn’t approve of them or they didn’t think it was good for me. Or just any random excuse they could think of.

Also the fact that I realized recently I have no true self or genuine identity. Only masks to become whatever people around me need me or would want me to be. I learned being myself doesn’t work and it’s better to have fake acceptance than to be alone. It’s also hard to accept that all of the positive “qualities” people point out about me are maladaptation.

For example; confusing people pleasing and low self esteem for being humble and selfless.

Saying I’m funny and quick witted when it’s rooted in a survival instinct to make people laugh so they like me.

Knowing a lot about different topics, some random and obscure. But really I had to develop a computer like memory to assume a multitude of different masks or “identities” to gain favor.

The hardest part of all of this is knowing I’m already 31 and it took me this long to even figure this all out about myself. I read the book The Emotional Incest Syndrome by Patricia Love and I planned to highlight anything that related to me. Without exaggeration every page is highlighted. I couldn’t believe really.

I read everywhere that to gain confidence and get over it I need to “put myself out there..” and “just be myself…”

It’s impossible to do that when you have no self to begin with. Everything about me to how I talk, walk, what I wear, music I thought I liked, movies, sports, etc. all were conditioned into me by my parents or were adapted to mirror others around me. If you asked me who am I really I would have no idea what to say.

I wake up every morning and can’t believe this is my life. I can’t be miserable like this much longer. I also can’t believe I have to spend the best years of my life fixing something I didn’t even break. How can I get up every morning telling myself positive thoughts when that would be delusion since all my thoughts are negative. How can I even want to get out of bed knowing I’m a pathetic loser? Part of me says why even bother it’s too late. I am what I am.

The only reason I never turned to drugs or alcohol is my parents said they wouldn’t love or accept me anymore if ever did. That’s another example of something “positive” I can’t even be proud of because it’s a product of my parents twisted love, not discipline or character…..

I don’t know where to begin.

i was sexually exploited and groomed online and was exposed to horrific and disgusting content. i can’t get it out of my head. i feel so invalid cause i basically did it to myself and it was online. but i feel so insane and broken and ruined. my view of the world, sex, men, and myself is ruined. csam of me is out there. i can’t get the images and videos out of my head. i keep hearing all the disgusting, abusive, fucked up things all those men have said to me. they ruined my self worth. i don’t know what to do. i haven’t told anyone. i can’t. but i’m really struggling. i feel like i can’t even call it trauma. i feel so invalid. what if i’m broken forever. i don’t know how to shut my brain off. please help. i don’t know what to do. i also struggle with any unwelcome sexual sensations. like if something brushes against my chest i’ll recoil and feel sick and distressed and violated and want to crawl out of my skin.

First time posting so please be mind lol

I have always struggled with trying to get over my childhood trauma and not sure if there are any ways to ever fully heal?

I went to a wedding this weekend and had drinks (which is rare for me as I dont drink more than once or twice a year) and heard the bride do a speech about her mum and later it seemed to bring on a flood of emotions like crying, anger, even screaming at my dad. I feel like ive completely let everyone down and my family are so mad at me 😭 obviously the alcohol brought something out that ive been trying to run away from

I have EUPD and sometimes the emotions get do intense that I cant stop the crying. Oddly, my brother went through a similar upbringing and has managed to move on, and ny family dont understand why I can't too.

Just wondered if anyone has been through similar. Would help me to feel less alone

Hello, F16. On my father’s side, there is a history of alcoholism, substance abuse, and schizophrenia. It is assumed that my father started developing his in 2019-2020, auditory hallucinations. He assumed the voices in his head were god, he believed he was a reincarnation of a prophet. Along with rampant narcissism, porn addiction, physical and emotional abuse on me, my mother and my little brother. Things were not great back then.

My mother packed us up and we escaped to a town for 3 days in July 2020. That was the last time I have ever seen him. We moved. I met a neighbor who taught me about porn, and how to masturbate. I was only in 5th-6th grade, she was the same age. We developed a very co-dependent relationship, after we stopped being friends it almost felt like withdrawal.

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety somewhere around 2021-2022, I was also assumed to have adhd and autism. I was diagnosed by a neurodivergent specialist. At the end of the first semester of 6th grade I started falling asleep in class, I couldn’t sleep well at night, I fell deeper and deeper into depression.

Extreme thoughts about my body soon followed. Around that time is where I started to hate every part of myself. I would cry myself to sleep because I wanted to be pretty so badly. What was weird is that part of me believed that I was secretly pretty, skinny, and gorgeous and that I just couldn’t see it. That’s also when the (I assume to be) maladaptive daydreaming started.

I made up stories about being a different person, prettier, wanted, flawless. I would do it constantly. It got to the point that I would rather be in my head then go to school. My depression, exhaustion and anxiety got so bad my mother pulled me out of school. She put me in a private school that I just couldn’t handle from my sheer exhaustion and outlook on life, so I was “homeschooled” for the last 3 months of that year.

That summer was excruciatingly lonely. I started writing songs as a personal diary. All I would do is sit there with my thoughts.

Fast forward 9 schools, every single one having been dropped from exhaustion and depression. My maladaptive thoughts still run rampant. My exhaustion has gotten worse, so has my depression and anxiety. After I witnessed my cat be mauled to death by my stepdads dog, my binge eating has turned into a minor version of anorexia.

After back pain in 2024 started, I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome. Since May I have lost 25 pounds, (which I am completely okay with, which scares me)

I apologize if all of that information seems irrelevant. My mental state is absolutely shattered. I do very little during the week. I interact with very little people. I feel like a rat in a cage. I’m lonely, depressed, anxiety ridden, and I live in my head so much I’m scared to talk to actual people.

I’m scared I’ll get things wrong. I’ve lost a lot of my social skills so things are much worse. My mind and body are in such disarray, I have no desire to work. I think about the world, the concept of death, and life so much it stresses me out to my core. It eats me up inside.

My question is, how do I start taking the first steps towards cleaning all of the bad out? When deep down, I don’t desire to work or go to school. I want to clean my mental state so badly but I have no clue where to start.

I have a therapist (hired after my cat passed) and I’m currently taking amphetam (that’s what it says on the bottle idk) duloxotine, quentiapine, and naltrexone.

Thank you.

As I’m processing all my trauma, I keep finding that I really want to redo my wedding. I don’t want it to be like a big thing, just something to quietly build on the crapping wedding I had years ago. Anyone do this?

Hey I was in a relationship of 4 years with someone who I believed was a narcissist. I was 19 years old when we became official and he was 30. He was very controlling and emotionally abusive with manipulation, insults, and gaslighting. He distanced me from my family and made me lose contact with all friends. I was suicidal for lots of the relationship. He did things like hide my birth control and got me pregnant at 19 (resulted in a miscarriage later on), he talked about his ex girlfriend non stop as a daily occurrence always comparing me, devalued me, financially took advantage of me, ruined special holidays like my birthday, the list goes on and on. He knew I had no one and completely isolated me. When things got wrong he would threaten or call the police on me, which resulted in psychiatric ward stays because I told them I was suicidal. The last occurrence was the police had to separate us because it got violent. They sent me to a shelter and there he completely ghosted me. He was unreachable on text but a few days later posting on his Instagram a new girlfriend. When we were together he barely posted me so it also hurt me. Also we didn’t officially end things and he was so quick to post a girlfriend not even a week later. Before in the relationship I did catch him on bumble and when confronted he said it was for making friendships and I got him to delete it. Anyways he was posting her non stop and i eventually lost it. I reached out to her but she blocked me. He never blocked me but I eventually removed him from all my social media. My life really went downhill from there. To cope with the pain I resorted to drugs and made bad friends in the shelter who introduced me to that lifestyle. I never heard from him at all. He never checked on me again

Now almost 4 years later I got a notification on TikTok that he favourited my video. It was an old video. I ignored it. Then recently he liked my video. Again ignored it. Now he liked a video again. My account is public so he can see my posts even without following me. I went on his profile and found out he is now married to the same girl he left me for. What is his intention? Why now after so long? When we were together he never even liked my videos and now years later while married he is?

Is this common for narcissistic people? It’s been so many years. Unfortunately no I’m not over any of the abuse and still get so mad thinking of what I went through. But when I looked at his profile it’s filled with happiness and constant photos of his wife. Is he really happy, or is this a show? And if he is, what changed. If he’s not and he’s treating the same girl this way, why did he marry her and not me? He always knew my biggest dream was to get married. Sorry so many questions. I really thought I moved on but seeing him spam me really brought up a lot of hurt.

Can someone explain this to me? Sorry for the long backstory. I’m just super confused and trying to make sense of this all.