I need help

[u/Userthatmustnot]

I (20 M) want a future and I want to graduate, but I feel like I’m falling apart and I don’t know how to help myself

I’m in probably the worst mental state I’ve ever been in, and I honestly don’t know where to start.

I’ve been harming myself sometimes almost without even noticing I’m doing it, and I keep having thoughts about a permanent way out. I’m not planning to kill myself right now, and part of me really does want a future. I want to graduate. I want to do well. I want things to get better. But I’m terrified that I’m going to mess everything up.

I lost my scholarship because of my grades and I was given chances to get it back. This semester is basically my last chance, and the pressure of knowing that is constantly hanging over me. I know I need to study and get my grades up, but I can’t even get myself to start. Sometimes I genuinely don’t know where to start, and other times I just sit there wondering if maybe I’m simply not good enough or not capable of doing it.

The weird thing is that I’m not miserable every second of the day. When I’m with my friends, I can laugh and smile and almost feel normal. But the moment I get home or I’m alone, everything comes back. Even going on long drives alone makes me feel like crying.

My friends have noticed that I’ve changed. Whenever one of them asks me, “Is everything okay?” I feel like I’m about to bawl my eyes out, but I physically can’t get myself to open up and tell them what’s actually happening. I don’t have anyone at home I feel like I can talk to about this either. Even writing this is making me want to cry.

I can’t sleep properly because I start hyperventilating and feeling like my entire world is caving in. I keep thinking about whether I’ll be able to do well enough this semester to get my scholarship back and what my future will look like if I don’t.

I’ve also stopped doing so many of the things I used to enjoy because I feel like I can’t even get those things right anymore. At this point I can barely remember what I used to do for fun.

Somewhere in the back of my mind there’s constantly this thought that I should just kill myself. It’s not like I’m sitting here with a plan to do it right now. It’s more like the thought is always there in the background whenever everything becomes too much.

One of the things stopping me is honestly the fear of the people in my life finding out. But another part of me genuinely wants to live. I want to graduate and have a future. I’m just terrified that if I can’t turn things around academically, that future isn’t going to be a good one.

I know people have much worse lives than I do. From the outside I probably don’t even have a reason to feel this way. But I’m overwhelmed by everything happening around me and I don’t know how to pull myself out of it anymore.

I think I’m posting this because I finally want help from actual people instead of keeping everything inside. If anyone has been in a place like this, how did you actually start getting better? How do I get my grades up? How do I ask someone for help when I can barely even say that I’m not okay?

[u/Mountain-Donkey98]

For one, you need to recognize that even the worst case scenario (no scholarship, no graduation) isnt a reason to feel suicidal.

If you don't get your grades up its not like you can't still graduate college. You just may need to take out loans or go to a less expensive school.

Right now, try not to pressure yourself. Whatever happens, youre still good enough. You'll figure it out either way. As long as you try your best thats all you can do, you cant feel bad about the outcome.

[u/Userthatmustnot → u/Mountain-Donkey98]

It’s not money that the problem for me it’s my dad saying that this is my last chance or I am and will stay a failure and he’ll make sure I don’t continue going right now my mom is paying for me and telling my dad that I’m the one paying if I don’t do well I really don’t know what he’ll do he’s done bad things to my other siblings before he kicked one of them out and the other lives with my bio mom and he’s not doing great

[u/Nombiezombie → u/Userthatmustnot]

I’m 23 and estranged from my family. Best decision I’ve ever made. You need to cut the toxic people out of your life or at least set boundaries. I actually went through a very similar situation with losing my scholarships and thinking that I’m going to fail and disappoint everyone. The standards my family had for me were unrealistic. I need you to understand that you are 20 and that life is not a race. We are still very young and in the best years of our lives.

At the age of 22 I was evicted on my birthday and started to be juggled around by my family who all thought “you’re smart you’ll figure it out”. I became homeless, went through a soul crushing breakup that sent me into a depressive spiral where I abused weed all day everyday. Then I moved away and started focusing on me. College doesn’t have to come right now, in fact a degree probably isn’t even worth it unless you’re going into a STEM field. Many graduates aren’t getting hired and are being forced to work retail or labor jobs. This is actively happening to multiple of my friends who have a BA. You might want to look into a trade or a certification, as they are shorter and from personal experience are rewarding. Next, start going to the gym regularly. It’s just so massive for your mental health. I have tried every med under the sun and nothing works as well as exercise. You don’t have to have a routine, just step in the gym, pick a machine and go for it. I started with 30 minutes of any mix and matched cardio I want with 30 minutes of any machines and free weights. Life is going to feel hopeless and there’s not really a way around that. You just have to recognize that it’s natural. Try to sit with it and not let it control you. Surround yourself with the people you want to be around.