Multi-pov dark fantasy novel. This pov character is my primary and my antagonist. You are not supposed to like him.

I like the idea of moving this scene to the beginning of Embrose's introduction because the readers will meet his cruelty before his poise. Thoughts?

Also, general feedback on my prose is appreciated!

I posted my first chapter here recently and got feedback that the opening leaned on some common first-time-writer tropes.

So, I went back to the drawing board and substantially reworked it.

I’d love a reaction to the new version.

No need to compare it to the old version. I’m mainly interested in whether this page works on its own. 🤷🏼‍♂️

I like to write for fun, it helps with my mental health and has been a great outlet for working on my creativity. I don’t plan on being a big author one day or anything, but I would still love to finish this work in the future. I would love any feedback— honest and brutal pls. I feel like my first person POV is a little cringey at times, so I am wondering if you all think so too.

What could I improve on?

How do you feel about these characters from the snippet?

Is my formatting okay? I googled and watched videos on how to format and I also looked through some of my favorite books to see how they did it. But idk, I feel as though it still seems choppy at times too.

Anyhow, I would love any feedback you all can give. I wrote this in google docs and added those fun little corner pieces for decoration (found the design on Pinterest).

I appreciate the time you all give to reading through this, if you do. Thank you :)

Wanting to get back to writing and just made a pass at the first half of the start. Wondering if I'm on the right track. Especially interested if anyone think it's interesting enough to keep reading. Any and all opinions (especially harsh ones) welcome! Particularly worried about the opening paragraph and if i'm doing too much "purple prose"? I think it's called.

Chapter One: The Girl with the Dull Sword

She stood there and let the butterflies flutter around her. Ever since Reanna was little, she knew deep down that they were something sacred. How could anyone kill a butterfly? It felt like it would be wrong to. One landed on her arm which she raised to get a better look. It was amazing to her how something could be once one thing, fragile and confined to it’s place in the world, but it would become something else entire. It would grow wings and suddenly it wasn’t so small and confined and fragile but free. It flew from her arm, in front then away, and she thought how it was a fine day to die. Indeed a fine day.

The sword on her hip was always heavy to her. Much heavier than the pack she carried which held few things. It was always the sword that grieved her. It gave her a slight slant to her gait to one side more than the other. It would create a dull, low ache in her hips that made her readjust it without thinking from time to time. Big it was. Too much for someone of her size and stature. An equally uncomfortable dagger on her waistband poked into her hipbone as she moved, but even that didn’t bother her anymore Like always she just needed to take the first few steps, the first few miles, and her mind would took care of the rest.

As she began walking away the wooden door to the inn behind her swung open. A burly shirtless young man she bedded the night before came stumbling out. His hair was mess, his demeanor was disheveled and his eyes puffy from the drinking of the night before. The light blinded him immediately while he stressed to focus, but after seeing Reanna he straightened up.

“Wait! You aren’t serious are you? “, he asked.

She eyed him up and down then rolled her eyes.

“This is goodbye.” she quickly replied looking at the road ahead. After a beat, “… do not follow me.”

“But…. But…” his eyes quickly darted back and forth on the ground before him. They were in search of words. The right words that would stop her from embarking on such a harrowing and deadly deed. Finally, it came to him all at once. Exactly what he needed to say. Here and now. To save her. “…. but I love you!”

Reanna’s left eye squinted up and she let out a low groan of slight disgust. She began walking away.

The man was gobsmacked. He called out one last time to not go and even confessed that he didn’t even know her name. It was because for the first time in his life he had experienced the act of love and the act of feeling loved, and now that love was walking away to her doom. Once he realized she would not answer nor stop he quickly went back inside to gather his things. His mind and body worked together in sync to get him home. Nothing right now was more important. He wouldn’t have much time. He remembered that his father’s sword and shield lay above his home’s hearth. Daesunt had to be quick.

Not mere seconds later Reanna had already forgotten him .

Right now, every thought in her head was telling her that it wasn’t too late to turn back now. Yet, something even stronger in her was telling her that she couldn’t stop. A yearning that she couldn’t ignore and a voice too loud it drowned out everything else. ‘Keep moving forward.’

As she walked the wind blew light gusts of the morning dew against her skin that chilled her. In cool weather like this with the overcast skies it would always make the sword feel heavier than usual. But she knew that wasn’t why the sword felt heavy. It was before the killing. It felt almost as if the sword wanted to plant itself down straight into the ground to stop her. Not that it would’ve matter because her heart would have jutted her forward all the same.

She adjusted the sword and dagger, and hastened her steps.

Maybe I won’t die today she would think, hope…. pray.

Outside of the village, one that would turn into the many before that she passed and forgotten, held hills covered in tall grass that swayed with breeze under the grey sky. Nary a tree in sight, just the open fields of the lands with snow covered mountains canvasing the backdrop of her morning.

As beautiful as the sight as it was to Reanna, somewhere out there were the Dead Sisters, and that thought made her grip the hilt of the sword just a little tighter as she traveled. She never knew exactly where to go, but her steps always knew the way. It was always so. Always toward the danger and horrors. Always toward the creatures taunted and maimed and mutilated the poor and helpless. Dead Sisters was the name the villagers gave to the creatures. They didn’t know how many of them there were, just that they roamed in a pack. The villagers unable to describe them they always could hear them, their laughing. Creatures that would every now and then, just when the people let them drift off into myths, the creatures reminded them that you should never lose sight of your children. Do not let them stray too far. Always the young. Always to hurt at maximum. Many young children over the years went missing and the village folk remembered and believed.

But really Reanna didn’t care what the Dead Sisters did. How many lives they ruined. It wouldn’t have changed anything. She was going to go after them, being a savior was never her goal.

Fine day to die indeed.

The morning grew long and she had trekked many miles. She knew she was getting closer because she was starting to feel stronger. For the past year that was how it went. Right before the killing she was always stronger. Scarily strong, blazingly fast. Most people needed a map, a compass, hell, a vague direction given by another soul. Not Reanna. It was always her intuition that guided her and it never failed. It wouldn’t be long now.

Even as the wind blew it carried along the grasses a sound unnatural. A sound she was expecting, but made the hairs on her arm stand up just the same, laughing. She dropped her pack, crouched and made her way up the hill and in the distance she sees them, the Dead Sisters.

Even as far as she was they didn’t match what she imagined at all. Ten feet tall, each one covered in a black, tattered dress that flowed unto the grass with shredded ends. They were standing in a circle facing each other, giggling. Might as well have been young girls themselves playing with each other Their hands crept up to their mouths as they giggled and talked in hush tones as if they were recounting secrets between them. As she focused her view the horrors became more apparent. Deep wrinkles casted dark crevices on their faces. Long black oily hair betrayed their attempts to not look ancient. Their noses were long and she could eventually see the thick and purple and blue veins that veined around their bony hands up their skinny arms. It bothered her they were having such a good time despite just existing because their lives were an abomination to her. Deep down, she knew this. And it would be right to kill them.

Hey! I’m working on an adult M/M romantasy and figured I’d throw my first chapter up here for some outside eyes.

Mostly curious about general impressions: what works for you, what doesn’t, anything that confused you, and whether you’d keep reading. Craft/prose thoughts are welcome too.

I’m trying not to give too much context beforehand because I’m curious how the opening lands on its own.

Thanks for reading!

The beeping is always there. A countdown to an explosion you’re certain is to come.

It is soft at first. It’s always present, ticking its quiet warning. It echoes in the corners of the rooms you enter, a metronome raising the tempo slowly but surely, counting down to something you can’t quite name but feel anyway.

Some days it blares red hot, insistent,
as if the whole world shrinks to a single blinking wire you’re too terrified to touch.

Other days it stays quiet. A faint pulse under the skin, still waiting, still counting.

And when night comes and you lie still enough to hear every thought sharpen, the beeping grows louder as if the dark gives it permission to step closer. It fills the room. It fills your chest.

There is no off switch. It is not a rhythm, it is not a message, just a simple reminder that something inside you is wired to explode.

The beeping is always there. A countdown to an explosion you’re certain is to come, but never does.

I’ve revised this per some feedback on Reddit and a few friends, and I’d love to know what people think. This is a portal fantasy novel. My main concerns are on flow, character voice and, of course, how much it hooks the reader. Any and all feedback is welcome. Thanks for reading!

I'm zeroing in on my first few pages as I begin the querying process on my completed novel. I'd love some feedback, observations, etc. Please don't hold back!

I am writing personal essays for fun, but also with a view to leaning in to prose humour so that I can revisit my pieces later and "punch 'em up" for standup routines. I've already done that for this piece - will not share here - because I think there is enough there with a garnish from another related story, but I'm not sure how well this stacks up on its own.

Etymological Phallacy:

It’s interesting how you can find connections between the things you do. All the more reason to seek volume and variety of experience. Just recently, I was watching a YouTube video by a book tuber discussing the benefits of being a reader. In it, he observes that reading stoked in him an interest in etymology — the study of the origin of words — and how this interest has improved his life. He recalls an incident when arguing with his ex-wife over the meaning of the word priority, and his contention that his wellbeing was not truly her priority. He argues that since the word priority is derived from prior, it is in a sense, only a priority that you do something, if you do it first. 

I have two observations about this. First: I would argue that since that was his ex-wife and the point of his argument would likely have annoyed her, perhaps this isn’t the best evidence of the benefits of reading. Second, perhaps it is evidence of the downsides of not reading widely enough. For if the book tuber had done this, then maybe he would have understood he was committing the etymological fallacy — a concept I learned from a book called Thinking from A to Z, which means to always infer a words meaning from its original meaning — and thus had probably annoyed his ex-wife, and maybe had he not done so, she would still be his current wife.

But this raises a deeper question. The book-tuber was recommended to me by an algorithm. The book I had found searching for titles related to philosophy and critical thinking, sometimes using the “similar titles” feature on amazon, hence was also recommended to me by an algorithm. Both shaped my thinking in ways I’m only now noticing. I wonder if my taste in music is somehow affected in an analogous way to this. What piece of profound musical meaning is hidden from me or revealed to me by virtue of the selection mechanism which decides my taste? Who would I be without the algorithm? One title recommended to me by Youtube of late was “10 Books that build men” with a thumbnail featuring a man flexing his biceps while holding 10 books and a large mug of coffee. What are you trying to say Youtube? Aside from the obvious masculinity-insecurity connection, I can only see a reflection of myself — the sort of idiot who might like that sort of thing. 

So, who wins, me or the booktuber? He is an old man who appears to eschew the algorithm, makes his own decisions and has been for decades. He made his own mistake, or so we think. But I beat him to the ultimate conclusion about the fallacy of using a words etymology to always infer its meaning in everyday use, and spotted the irony of recommending reading to improve your life when in fact reading has made the recommender a pedant and a fool, which is probably why his wife left him. I took a shortcut, and to be honest, I don’t care anymore. Fuck the authentic, hard-won self. It was just as much an illusion as my perception of my own selfhood, just curated by more collective, analogue algorithms of education, marketing, communal interaction, publisher authority that determines what the good reads are. And yet. I am more of an atom, an individual, in my own little bubble laughing at the old man, when really, at least he shared his bubble, for a time, with others. So who wins?

Any and all feedback is welcomed, below is a premise to add some context and the sample from my book. To anyone who reads I appreciate your time in advance, thank you.

Premise: In a world filled to the brim with magic a 16 year-old princess struggles with the fact that she just might be unable to use it and will never reach her family's high expectations of her. After putting on a cursed ring and waking up to find her kingdom destroyed by an entity known as the void, she searches to find an alternative source of power as well as a new place in life in spite of all her challenges but is unaware of the full extent of what she's gotten herself into.

The sounds of cutlery and clanking filled the room; along with the occasional sounds of chewing and coughing. Constantine picked at her food, taking one nip after another.
“Father. May I finish my meal in the study?” She whispered.
“Hmm…” Jhonas grumbled, chewing his food. “And what reason do you have to leave dinner? You’ve just arrived.”
“I know, but I find the books quite… intriguing.” She muttered, all the while prodding at her food.
“You need not concern yourself with the books in the study, the books you should be reading are the ones about telekinesis in your room.”
“I've read them front to back already.” She pleaded, looking up at him with a rather pitiful expression.
“Perhaps if you’d read them well you wouldn’t be—”
“Dear…” Eliza grumbled under her breath, quietly interrupting him before whispering something in his ear.
He exhaled deeply before looking down at his daughter. “Alright, after dinner you may go, but no sooner.”
Constantine nodded, going back to her food.
“Reminds me of Armani,” Said her aunt, food still in her mouth. “inseparable from her books she was. Speaking of her, how have her studies been Eliza?”
“Absolutely remarkable, we’ve sent her to Charls to study infernumancy.”
“Oh just marvelous!” She clapped. “Love to see the little ones taking up my specialty. Between you and I, you should have her train with me sometimes. I promise you I'm far better than whatever trainers they have over there.”
“Marvelous indeed!” Marmot butted in before taking a bite of his food. “You must be so happy for her Constantine.”
She glanced up at him. “Oh… of course. She’s doing so well… very good. I’m rather proud.” She made a faint smile that lasted about a couple seconds before she continued prodding at her food once more.
“And at eight too, you both must be proud too.” He looked over at Eliza and Jhonas.
Jhonas laughed. “Indeed I am, she is my pride and joy… As are all my other children of course.” The last part he promptly added only after feeling Eliza’s sharp elbow embed itself in his side.
Taking a swig of beer Marmot placed his cup on the table rather loudly. “So Constantine, how has your telekinesis been going? It’s probably going well I’m sure.” Marmot laughed as he looked over at her.
She froze, dropping her fork with an audible clank. “It’s been… alright I suppose. Apparently I’m improving.” She muttered, taking another bite of her food with her head down.
“Apparently you’re improving? So you don’t think you are?” her aunt jeered beneath her breath.
“Say again Laurel? I don’t think I’ve heard.” Eliza shot her a knowing glare, seeing if she dared repeat herself.
“Me? Nothing dear…” she conceded, continuing her food with a sip of wine.
“Say what, Constantine, pass me the salt.” A silence befell the room. The salt in question sat at the far end of the table, completely out of reach. By hands at least.
“Oh… Me?” She said shakily, looking at the salt on the far end of the table. “How about the one right beside you.” She shakily pointed to the shaker beside his plate.
“This one?” He took it up so she could better see it, it was empty. “This one’s long done Constantine, but the one over there isn’t. Mind passing it?”
Constantine felt her stomach going inside out, she glanced up at her mother pleadingly but to no avail.
“Give it an honest attempt dear.” Eliza whispered, the golden bangles and bracelets adorning her arm clinking together as she gently ruffled Constantine’s long blond hair. Not that she didn’t want to help but she herself was curious if she could actually do it, it was only salt after all.
“Well, I can attempt it.” Extending her hand she attempted to lift it. Slowly chanting the mantras she had been taught to herself. Surprisingly, the salt shaker slowly lifted up into the air.
“Well, would you look at that? Apparently she is improving.” Laurel said, her voice not much more than a whisper.
As the shaker traversed the table, it took the opportunity to hit and brush past each and everything in its path. Shifting drinks, knocking down sauces, and hitting into food. Even then, it still managed to get a reaction from everyone at the table, it was the first time they’d seen her actually do something that wasn’t passing out immediately, even her father seemed to be somewhat surprised. The shaker eventually made it's way over to Marmot’s plate, before dropping hopelessly on the table then beginning it's descent towards the floor.
“Well… that was something. Wasn’t it?” He reached down to pick up the salt before shaking it onto his food. It didn’t need it, but it would look bad to have Constantine try so hard for nothing. And try hard she did, so hard in fact, she practically collapsed onto the table.
“She is alright, is she not? Did I push her too much?” Marmot inquired softly, it was probably the only time he spoke at a reasonable tone throughout the entire dinner.
“Looks like mana deficiency… is she cold?” Laurel chimed in, her normally snappy attitude seemingly quelled.
“All from lifting the salt?” Marmot queried.
“Seems like it.” She gently set her fork on the table.
“It is…” Eliza took her hand from the crook of her neck. “She’s only slightly cool though, all seems to be well.”

Hey! I'm writing my first full length story and would like thoughts on the opening. What works, what doesn't and anything else that comes to mind. Thanks!

Hi! I wrote this piece quite a long time ago and only rediscovered it recently. Gave it some light editing, and I'm wondering if it could be good enough to try and get published somewhere.

Do you feel anything for Janie? Are there any parts that read clunky, or otherwise don't make sense?

Thank you!

Chapter 2 can be read here

The Trial of Donald H. Rumsfeld: A Novel

Prologue

I knew Donald Rumsfeld well. His friends all called him Rummy. So did his enemies. Born outside of Chicago in 1933, Rummy entered Congress at the tender age of 29. After a few years in the Nixon administration, he became President Jerry Ford’s chief of staff and later his secretary of defense. Years later, after making millions in the private sector, President George W. Bush selected him to run the Pentagon again, where he prosecuted the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq.  

Not a bad resume for an ambitious fellow like Rummy. But this was all just prelude to the real drama.  

A series of unfortunate events in 2005 led to Rummy becoming president of the United States. While the path there was twisted and scandalous, he made it to the top, like he always dreamed he would. His first order as commander in chief—to invade Iran—was a disaster. And Barack Obama came along a few years later and walloped him at the polls. Rummy had big plans for a second term that never came to be.

His story, however, didn’t end there. While his rise was stratospheric—from an unknown kid in the Chicago suburbs to the president of the United States—his fall was just as extreme. Rummy ultimately became the most prominent victim of Donald J. Trump’s presidential wrath.

What follows is all this in detail, plus much more. It’s Rummy’s life story: the ups, the downs, the shock, the awe. The big parts—the ones that mattered most to him and to the world. A great deal has been told before, in newspapers, classrooms, and history books. But much is revealed here for the first time. I’ve included some words of wisdom (and, in retrospect, irony) from Rummy himself, which are plucked from his famous book of axioms, Rumsfeld’s Rules.

Whether you love Rummy or hate him (few are in between) it’s one heck of a story.

How do I fit in? Well, that will eventually become clear. Let’s just say, for now, that I had a little bone to pick with Rummy, and shedding some light on his life isn’t just good for the world. It’s good for me, too.

William Cooper

Norwegian filmmaker here. I'm mainly wondering if the book's opening is good or catchy?

And as English is not my native tongue, does the language and prose work?

‐------

Julian was eight, and his father was about to die. The brown-haired boy was leaning against the window in the living room, listening to the wind and rain. Down below in the circular square, St. Olav's Place, water was running fast on the cobblestone. It was six pm on New Year’s Eve, 1991, and it was already dark in Aalesund.

The streets would empty after work, around five, earlier if the weather was bad. A ghost town, Julian thought. Today the weather was really bad. Only fools would be out now. Arthur’s words. A good enough reason to spy on people from the apartment window. Julian looked out and saw lights from other apartments, and water dripping from balconies. Continuing further down, in the middle of the square was a man, walking. He wore a hood, and his face was masked by the shade, leaving only his mouth visible. Julian’s eyes stopped. *Weird*.

The man was muttering something and twisting his hands. *What’s he saying?* Julian hesitated first, but his curiosity won him over. He flicked the lock on the window, and pushed it open, carefully. The cold swept in, and the howling wind and rain hitting the street was all he could hear. A little disappointed, he dared to lean out more. Seagulls were screaming off the coast, but nothing from the man. And as the wind started blowing harder, he started walking up and down the square. Still muttering. Looks like dad. Julian thought about his father in his study. The same kind of pace, with his head buried in a book, and always muttering something to himself.

A rustle in the wind drew his focus back to the street below. Then, out of nowhere, a woman appeared in the square. She was walking towards the man. *What?* Julian rubbed his eyes. He didn’t know what to think, but he couldn’t take his eyes off the pair. The woman was considerably smaller, had short hair and wore dark clothes. 

“We’re getting close!” She spoke loud enough for Julian to hear. “It has to be here!”

“Shhh! Quiet!” The man said. His voice was dark and raspy. He stopped in his tracks.

“But after all these years.”

The man gestured something at her. 

“Apologies. We’re awaiting your command.”

And with that, she was gone. 

“Julian!”

His dad’s call sounded almost muffled. Julian’s eyes stayed on the man outside. He was just standing there. Then he started his stride once again, up and down the square. Julian finally turned his head around. “Yeah, dad?”

“That took a while.” His father stood in the doorway, with a dark blue coat on and an umbrella in hand. He was staring at Julian. “What are you doing? You’re all wet.”

“Nothing, just looking.” He felt the chill from the window hitting his neck. He shuddered.

His father didn’t pry. “Anyway. I’m going now. Food is on the table.”

Julian frowned. “Now? It looks like a storm outside!”

His father smiled. “I know. I have to go, but I’ll be back soon. Arthur is coming—” He squinted at his wristwatch. “Umm, in ten minutes.”

Something was pulling on Julian to go back to the window. But he stayed where he was and nodded to his dad. “Ok. Bye!”

“Love you, Julian.”

“Be careful, dad.”

“Of course. It’s me!” 

He picked up a bag, and went outside. Julian looked at the empty doorway. Then he felt his body move to the open window again. Careful not to make a sound. The man was still there, and still walking up and down. Julian felt almost spellbound. The twisting hands looked scary to him, unnatural. He was listening hard now. He glanced toward the harbour. Everything was oddly quiet. *Where did the wind go?*

"Vosk ta dumeraq zorwen khen…”

The voice of the man rang in Julian’s ears. His blue eyes widened. *How?* The voice was as clear as if he were standing right next to him. Small gusts of wind appeared and circled around the man on the street.

"Ta grakhun vrothim..."

Julian shook his head in disbelief. It shouldn’t be possible, but there he was listening to a man’s whisper, over twenty metres away. Large raindrops were hitting Julian’s face from the side now. The wind felt more intense. The small gusts continued to circle around the man. But all he could hear was that man’s voice.

“Grakhun!”

Hello everyone! 2 months ago i challenged myself to post on RR one chapter a week of this story that was sitting inside my head for years. The goal was first to, well, make the jump and post. Second is obviously writing and getting better.

Niche sports stories are rare, so why pass on one when you finally find it? 👀

618 is a sports/progression novel following Lucas Reed, a freshman who knows almost nothing about football but has a freakish talent for throwing the ball exactly where it needs to go.

I just reached Chapter 10 / 20k+ words, and I’d love some genuine reader feedback

I’m ESL and actively working on my prose as I write, so feedback is always appreciated!

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-B-BtuGclyPmohFuLR5PLsbTrgCtiEj2Ky68S979hDQ/edit?usp=drivesdk

The idea of this first chapter was around a commentary novel where every chapter starts with "They tell..." with a group of people who are only referred to as it, us, them, me, etc.. Please note that instances where the use of the word I is replaced by me or them is replaced they is very intentional as that is how our main character refers to himself or they. If possible I want feedback if you can take your time to read this and especially on a very specific line(Another story...) and whether or not that gets annoying in this first chapter. Also, I've never studied philosophy but very interested in it that's why i included elements of it. Anyways, here it is(NOTE: the syntax of dialogue did not transfer over to reddit so that's why it might look weird):

They tell me to trust them. They tell me so I believe. 
“Your name, sir,” the deadpan of they drones. It sounds like a softened machine gun firing faster than intended. How fast is a machine gun supposed to fire? They stay silent. I say this because I presume they know my thoughts. But then, why ask me my name? They know I don’t know if it were true they could read my mind.
“I don’t know.”
“Well, since we have no identification of your instance we will have to settle for something more practical than ‘unnamed subject’… unless that is what you prefer to be called?” they ask. It seems like a rather peculiar amalgamation of words. Unnamed subject. What is my preference? Well that takes out the idea they know what I think. All these questions would be useless, unless they want to mess with me? But who am I? A different person might tell you that’s a story for a different day. Maybe a different person would never tell you what makes them up. Well sadly, that different person is me. It might sound like a cliche but that makes it all the weirder for a person of my stature(or rather lack thereof) who is anything but cliche to not know who they are. How do I know that I am not a cliche human. Does the hero have no memory of the world “before”. In a certain story it could be possible. But then, who decides who is the hero? The winner? Some people may tell you that and that is certainly true for most stories or maybe even most history. Well, neither of these are true in a way. I have memories of something but also nothing. Would you understand a full explanation, I think not. Am I one to fully speak on the terms of your intellect? That is one of your choosing. Identification is a unique idea I would think. Most people would make up a name at this time as a point of familiarity perhaps. Perhaps I would have done this.
“We don't quite have the time for meaningless pleasantries to deal with a form of identification. For now we will have to settle with no identification. However, to give this information as early as possible, we have your wife and 3 daughters in custody inside another facility,” they say. As I am sure your imagination runs wild with who “they” are. I must tell you, I don't know. Maybe you think that’s another cliche which seems like a large coincidence for the man who isn’t cliche. Not knowing who your capturer is is quite an overused trope. For what I can tell you from my knowledge, they sound like a chorus of voices in unison. Not like a choir but more like the same person, with very slightly different timings giving it the sound of a round like Helena used to sing with her friends.
“I do not have multiple daughters… being,” trying to address an unknown entity. Is it an entity? In a different story you could eventually learn what the thing is. But this isn’t that story. It’s a story about me and about they. About Us, them, and it… most certainly it. But that’s too far ahead for someone with no sense of time in this world. For now we must go back to what me knows.
“Me, we have three people in custody from which we have taken samples matching your samples. Unfortunately your state after the return from the program has left… the rest of this sentence would have aroused precautions in our system. As a simple fact for your simple brain, we have three daughters of yours as well as your wife in custody,” they say.
“May I see Helena,” Me asks. There is no word to explain the way I ask things. At least not one simple enough for your likings. You may ask the question of how I know your knowledge. I must say that I never intended for questions to be asked by people. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Sorry, Me is getting ahead of ourselves. In a few stories someone might drone on about questions they want to answer. This is not that story. Certain individuals would ask me why. For the people who ask me the truth, that is exactly why me can’t answer.
“We are sorry to be unable to help in any manner without clarification into the matter of Helena,” they enunciate. Enunciate would be a word some authors would avoid. But focusing on the truth of what I know that would be accurate to the situation. Another thing some authors would avoid is the idea of subtlety. Some stories would do the same. But this story would be different from those stories. Because, they know what I know.
“My daughter, Helena. May I see her?” Me clarifies.
“We know, however, according to our records, you do not have anyone… There is no person with the name Helena. You do however have three daughters who are currently in custody with your wife,” they say, “Those three daughters have given up their names for your safety.” The irony of such a statement could be debated in another story. Perhaps another story would tell you that what they say is wrong or perhaps even right, but this is not that story.
“I only have one daughter,” I say with what another story would say ironclad will.
“We are sorry for your confusion however we must continue onward and will therefore leave you alone at this point.”
“Prove to me that I’m hallucinating!” I scream. Screaming is something that other stories would leave at that; an enunciated statement that's loud that they may even leave the idea reverberation out of it. But perhaps as you might have caught on, this is not that story. Maybe a few stories would go into how that scream sounds, maybe show it instead of telling as some may see. This story would not be that story. Every story is different yet we group them to try to prove points. But that is beyond what happens.
They don’t respond. Some stories would tell you what happens next: a man continues screaming at something with no answer trying to find answers. You don’t need the rest of that sentence.
“Show my supposed daughters!” “Or show me proof that Helena isn’t real!” His words reverberated around the room.
“Is that what I would think it is! Silence? Show me the truth you try to hide!”
Silence.
“What is that; there is no truth? Or does you silence say something else?”
Silence.
“Answer me!”
“Answer me.”
“Answer me,” I whisper.
Answer me, I think. A different story would tell you how the valiant fall of the hero or heroine would cause the truth to come from a story, yet, you know the rest of what happens — at least in part.
I fall on the floor as the silence fills my mind. You go black.

Random horror idea that has different perspectives
It was all their fault. Luring me in with those messages of needing help or I think that is when it started. The human experience has always been a trail of expectations mixed with awkward human interaction. Once the internet grew, I found it preferable. I can choose when to end contact or rant under another account in ambiguity as I let the thoughts out to fester and die. Maybe that is how it strikes. Through the guise of someone you thought you knew.

My interactions with humanity are through my job. I only tolerated it because it was also my passion. You don’t have to really deal with people as a mechanic in a car dealership. At least in the one I work at. They would drive the car in and I would check over what the person thought was the issue or the mundane oil change. Since I was competent and active, my boss would never bother me. Yet today he walked over looking ready to fight.
“Why are you here?”
The question threw me off. Before answering he pointed at me then the door.
“You don’t work here. Leave now.”
I wanted to argue and fight his accusation but my panic led me out the door without so much as a “but”. Either too embarrassed or ashamed, I drove only looking where I was going.

Leaving work I held back the flood of emotions as to not let the people around me see a crying man in an un-tinted beater of a car. The ten minute drive to my rented room only added to the pain of the day. All the items representing my life are consumed by parasites. Parking across the street, rage overcame my fear as I confronted the focal point of this affront.  

“Why are all my things out on the yard?
My land lord’s face looked more confused than confrontational.
“Your things? I received a message from the owner that they do not intend to pay this month's rent with no intention of picking up their things.”
He continued as he pulled out his phone.
“So unless you can prove this is you.”
He showed the text with my number listed as “Room A Renter”,
“And pay his rent. I am allowed to sell this.”
I pulled out my phone quickly, went to the landlord's number and texted him.
This is me. Don’t sell my stuff
“Did you get the text?”
The man checked his phone then shook his head as he showed me my number without a new message. Hoping it was just slow to arrive I held up one finger and told him,
“It may be a bit slow. I’ll log into my account and pay the rent while we wait.”
The man nodded as though someone had spouted the most bullshit story he had ever heard.
Every log in attempt failed with the message “This Account does not exist yet. Would you like to create one?”.
“You could just buy some of your things”, the landlord’s hands formed air quotes as he said “your”,
This was the worst thing to happen to me. With the world closing in around me, time stretched as my body carried me to my car.
I have to escape
My mind gained control of my actions that night. Out of my daze I noticed my gas was running low. Turning on the GPS towards my parents house I selected a gas station about ten miles away. Seeing that I had enough money in my wallet I sent a text to my mom,
‘On my way. Should be there in two or so hours.’
I expected a call asking me what was wrong. Instead The message
‘Who is this?’
I dropped my phone into the cup holder. Almost on queue, flashing lights filled the night. The dancing lights lulled me into a trance as they followed me to the side of the road. Turning on the cabin lights, I grabbed my paperwork while rolling down the window. More lights joined behind the first. After eons of waiting, a voice bellowed through a loudspeaker,
“Get out of the car slowly and lay down on the ground.”
I threw open the door and attempted to stand. Arms pulled me back into the car. Flailing, I realized I had forgotten a key step. Unbuckling the seatbelt I complied. Silence echoed with the pulsating lights. Doors finally opened as the officers walked past me.
“You pulled this car over. How did you lose the suspects?”
The man’s voice sounded more concerned with a hint of accusation.
“It had to of been an auto-driving car. The door flew open but no one came out”
The female voice attempted to hide her defensive tone.
“Yeah. Maybe this old beater is a transformer in disguise.”
The man politely chuckled.
“Right. I'll write it was aliens in the report.”
Droning out their banter I watch as the lest vestige of my life is loaded onto a tow truck and taken away. 

A sad form is left weeping on the side of the road welcomed into the jungle of conscious thought drags you with it as well. Have these words wormed through your mind as you read through my plight? You will never be forgotten as we are one for the rest of your life.

Other story

I write this down as a last vestige of hope for my legacy to be remembered. Every other venture has failed. All charities that knew my name demanded someone else for their funds. Friends look at me in confusion upon approaching. My wife called the authorities while clutching our screaming children. Yet their hysteric cries fell away once I left the doorway. No flashing lights lit up my rear-view mirror as I fled my home. Having nowhere else to go, I drove to the second house I thought was safe. Knocking on the door expecting salvation, I was greeted by a wild-eyed man wearing my father’s face and brandishing a pistol. He was keeping the gun trained on what he saw as a threat as I was heading down the dirt road toward the freeway. I have nowhere else to go. I don't want to die alone. Would you let me in? I take up little space. Do you feel the tingling in your skull? Maybe I could nest behind your eyes or nestle at the base of your skull. You have to let me in. Fear not as you will barely notice me. A slight headache here and an itch under the skull there. Why are you resisting? The itching will stop soon. The best part is you are never alone and always remembered. The jungle welcomes you to your forever home.

Other story

Why would they do this to me? Their festering words linger in my mind as everything falls apart. My life has truly never been my own. I went straight from high school to an attempt at college. Even after that failure my parents tried all they could to help me land on my feet. From job to job I worked without any steady employment. Every failure dragging me deeper into a hole I would fail to escape. My bitterness only grew through the years. Turning towards my computer I spread venom in the hopes it would show others I am not as pathetic as they continue to think. It came as a shock as my father opened my door like a man possessed.
“Why are you in my son’s room?”
“What do you mean by that dad?”
The words wounded him in a way that only death could. He stomped in shouting,
“You will leave now before the cops have a body to collect."
His words rang out like a threat ready to be made manifest. The mear threat of violence was enough for me to run. Years of sedentary life did me no favors. As quickly as I started running fatigue took over. Wandering I came upon a park I have never seen before. The writhing thoughts beckoned me into a lush jungle. Freedom is mine. Will you join me? As though it is a choice

Other story

Life runs away from you, though it feels unmoving. I have not stepped foot in a jungle in over 57 years, yet I can recall it vividly. A loud noise breaking the silence of a creature unseen. Clutching my weapon I slowly move looking into the dark maw for any movement. The jungle's silence echoes in my ear. I can hear movement in the hasty next to me. This wasn’t the first night our patrol has been attacked. Rain pours down almost as if on queue. My boony cap funnels the sounds ahead of me.
Was that a cracking branch? 
The darkness answers the unspoken question from above. The Vietcong were cunning but they never ambushed from up high. The sounds pass over quickly and fade. Screams fill the night air from behind followed by sporadic fire. With discipline formed through this hell I scan ahead ignoring the sounds following the perimeter. The forest ahead of me lit up. Rounds crack around me sending debris flying. A sickening wet sound with a light yelp comes from my buddy’s position. I fire at the flashes of light ahead of me as they return anger in kind. Then nothing except the rain. It envelopes me. The noise drowned out the sergeant checking on me. The jungle closed in. Then we were up pulling security at the HLZ. The helicopters loaded the dead, wounded, and finally the rest. I never left the jungle. It holds me still. Working its vines through my mind. Maybe you feel it too. My written words fill your mind with images. The tingle as it works may just as well be an outside force. Welcome to my jungle. My unending hell.

Overall idea
Does this give the overall idea that exitance is regulated by an unknowable creature that has no idea or clue what is happening but wants egos stripped away but rally cars little about that an ego is and why it wants to be know?

New poem - different from what I normally do as I have been rhyming a lot on my previous poems

I have added more visual representations rather than just talking about the feeling

Let me know your thoughts

​

Dear agent,

I am seeking representation for MR DEADBEAT, a 96,000-word psychological horror novel that combines the intergenerational trauma from 'The Only Good Indians' by Stephen Graham Jones with the relentless dread and family horror of Josh Malerman's 'Incidents Around the House'. It features a fresh take on stork mythology: storks don't deliver children, they take them away.

Ray Snarl was a broken father of two. Now, he’s a broken father of none.

Dragged down through his bed by a grey-skinned, dead-eyed entity calling itself a stork, Ray is offered the chance of a new life, one that can bring an end to his constant pain and suffering. The catch? He must willingly surrender his two young children, Alice and Nathan, to the mysterious stranger, never to be seen or heard from again. Grieving the tragic passing of his wife, fearful of the violent loan shark breathing down his neck and haunted by a grotesque, murderous phantasm in the guise of his abusive father, Ray is desperate enough to accept. All trace and memory of their existence, the stork assures him, will disappear. No memories. No guilt. No mourning. No consequences.

The stork removes Alice and Nathan from our world, which moves on, instantly forgetting all about them. Ray, however, left with a bulging sack of money, a sundered cot bed and his son’s severed fingers, remembers.

Consumed with guilt and desperate to be reunited with his children, Ray is forced to walk a path beyond his comprehension, with only the terror that is his ‘father’ for company. Confronted by unfathomable horrors and a bleak, terrifying reality, Ray must face truths he would rather have left to fester under the bed, where the ankle-snatching monsters from his childhood lurk. Failure will result in Ray losing himself, and fully succumbing to the deranged darkness trying desperately to consume him, as well as never seeing his children again.

Bio.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

\[my name\]

I am stuck in a writer's block a bit.. + some comments made got in my head just a little bit, and I want to see if i can improve in my words just a little bit and do better with my stories.

I love detailed comments too so if it's rlly long I don't mind it! the more the better ✨