'Owning Our Energy

Learn to keep your energy inside.

—From Women, Sex, and Addiction, Charlotte Davis Kasl, Ph.D.

For many reasons, we may have mastered the art of giving away our energy. We may have learned it when we were young because the feelings we had were too overwhelming to feel, and we did not know how to process them.

Much of our obsessing, our intense focus on others, is done to facilitate this “out of body” experience we call codependency.

We obsess, we babble, we become anxious. We try to control, care take, and fuss over others. Our energy spills out of us on to whomever.

Our energy is our energy. Our feelings, thoughts, issues, love, sexuality; our mental, physical, spiritual, sexual, creative, and emotional energy is ours.

We can learn to have healthy boundaries – healthy parameters – around our energy and ourselves. We can learn to keep our energy within ourselves and deal with our issues.

If we are trying to escape from our body, if our energy is spilling out of us in unhealthy ways, we can ask ourselves what is going on, what is hurting us, what we are avoiding, what we need to face, what we need to deal with.

Then, we can do that. We can come back home to live – in ourselves.

Today, I will keep my energy in my body. I will stay focused and within my boundaries. (...), help me let go of my need to escape myself. Help me face my issues so I am comfortable living in my body.' ❤️

Some context: I'm in a long distance relationship with my partner and we have been dating for more than a year now, and I love her very much. But I realized that we both feel pretty weird when we're not talking constantly. And I realized that I feel jealous when she spends time with friends without me (which isn't even that often). I feel really bad for feeling that way and I wish she could feel better about not being with me too. At first I thought the clingy thing was cute, because we're both pretty clingy, but I'm scared it's going too far because of those things we feel. And we always want to do things together. I also have to mention that she feels bad whenever I feel bad, and she feels horrible if she's unable to cheer me up and I wish she didn't feel that way.

I still like the idea of doing everything with her and we do still do some stuff separately; it's kinda silly to bring up and probably not relevant, but we do have different interests that we partake in separately like playing different video games or enjoying different media. But I'm scared that building our lives around each other is unhealthy for us. I want her to be happy, as well as myself. And I don't want to make her feel bad about hanging out with other friends. There's this one time I was playing a game with her and her friend joined, and at first I was cool with it but as soon as I started feeling left out, I felt really bad and jealous and I left, and she felt bad about it. And so do I. I fully intend on working on myself. But I'd appreciate advice, for both her and me, and I'd also like to hear other people's thoughts on this. I want our relationship to be healthy for each other.

P.S. Sorry if all of this is sorta worded weirdly, I'm not really in the mood to proofread rn

i (19F) have lived with my two sisters (32F) and (23F) my entire life. in the past five years i have gone through some traumatic bullying in high school which lead me to become very isolated. Since then i have always relied on my sisters and considered them my best friends.

recently, they’ve both started dating and have boyfriends. now, i knew there would be a time where we go our own ways and start our own families but it’s happening sooner than i expected and it’s hurting more than i want it to. I love them, and im happy for them that they’re spending time with people who love them too.

I spend my evenings alone at home, i eat dinner alone often, sometimes i invite them to go out with me and they say no. my oldest sisters boyfriend lives in a diff state but she visits him often and is constantly texting and calling him. she stays in her room nearly all day and talks to him. my other sister, her boyfriend lives closer and she’s always going out with him. i’m closer with her than my other sister, and she goes to school and gets back late. so i always look forward to seeing her, and telling her about my day but sometimes she’ll end up going out with her boyfriend instead. she too is always talking on the phone with him, there have been times where she cuts me off mid sentence and says “im getting a call” and she leaves me alone to go talk to her boyfriend.

both of my sisters are like that. they’re so eager to talk to them and get so anxious if they don’t answer immediately. i’ve never dated anyone before, and i know some of you will think ‘it’ll probably happen to you too when you start dating’ but im not interested in dating and even if i was, i wouldn’t prioritize a stranger over my own sisters.

i know it sounds really selfish, but i keep thinking about it and how unimportant i feel.

I’ve (F27) have always had codependent urges and always need some sort of external validation from others. I’m happy to say that with many years of therapy and a fully developed prefrontal cortex, I can identify and redirect these urges early (really proud of myself tbh). However, I fear I may have become more of an avoidant person due to this, specifically in romantic relationships.

For some context, I’ve only had 2 major relationships, one in college where we were both severely codependent. Another over a year ago where I was the codependent and they were the complete opposite, often leading me to feel disregarded (and TBH, they were doing that, but I also didn’t know how to communicate my needs without blowing up into a million tears).

Since then, I’ve had ZERO interest in dating or romance as a whole. Anytime I’ve talked to someone I’ve immediately gotten the ick. The idea of going on dates, dating apps, friends playing matchmaker actually disgusts me lol. Have I switched to avoidant attachment? Maybe I’m just exhausted from love? Thoughts?

TLDR: I think I’ve switched to becoming an avoidant person in my love life, now what?

My partner of 16 years treats me terribly. Daily. We can be having a great day, but one stray negative thought is all it takes for her to completely change course.

On a daily basis, I can expect to hear any combination of: I hate you, I can't wait until I'm done with all of this, I can't wait until I never have to speak to you again, I hate that you're always near me, you're so annoying, you're so stupid, stfu, I don't care about you or your feelings, none of this matters to me, etc.

I pay for most of our expenses. She has a job, but she makes about 1/4-1/3 of what I do. She has been offered promotions repeatedly, but she has turned them down. Yet, she tells me it's my fault that she doesn't have any money saved and she goes broke every week between paychecks.

Her car broke down and needs work, but she's been putting that off for 2 years now. She says it's my fault because I'm preventing her from progress. But she gets mad when I buy the things to work on her car or plan time for me to help her with it, or even just for her to do it while I do something else so she feels encouraged.

Chores and things at home have really fallen down. Her only responsibility is the dishes, which she rarely does, and tells me it's because she doesn't have time because I prevent her from it. Meanwhile, I find the time to do laundry and clean the bathrooms and change the linens.

I have never missed giving her a ride to or from work, and I pay for 90% of her meals, but she says she hates seeing me at lunch (we work next door to each other) and she hates having to go home with me.

She'll tell me all day how much she hates me, and then calm down once she gets home and tell me how she loves me more than anyone and how I'm her favorite person.

She very regularly cancels plans the morning of. Dates, family events, plans with friends, errands, etc.

I know this is unhealthy. I know I would be better off alone. But I often feel like this is better than being alone. I also know she has no plan and no money, so I know it isn't realistic for her to leave right now. If she did, she would fail and be in a dangerous situation as a homeless transwoman. I can't stomach the idea of her going through all of that. I keep trying to tell her that we should try to find a way to get alkng better until she can afford to leave, but that enrages her.

I just feed lost.

'Taking Care of Ourselves on the Job

It’s okay to take care of ourselves on the job. It is not only okay – it is necessary.

Taking care of ourselves on the job means we deal with feelings appropriately; we take responsibility for ourselves. We detach, when detachment is called for. We set boundaries, when we need to do that.

We negotiate conflicts; we try to separate our issues from the other person’s issues, and we don’t expect perfection from others or ourselves.

We let go of our need to control that which we cannot control. Instead, we strive for peace and manageability, owning our power to be who we are and to take care of ourselves.

We do not tolerate abuse, nor do we abuse or mistreat anyone else. We work at letting go of our fear and developing appropriate confidence. We try to learn from our mistakes, but we forgive ourselves when we make them.

We try to not set ourselves up by taking jobs that couldn’t possibly work out, or jobs that aren’t right for us. If we find ourselves in one of those circumstances, we address the issue responsibly.

We figure out what our responsibilities are, and we generally stick to those, unless another agreement is made. We leave room for great days, and not so great days.

We are gentle and loving with people whenever possible, but we are assertive and firm when that is called for. We accept our strengths and build on them. We accept our weaknesses and limitations, including the limitations of our power.

We strive to stop trying to control and change what is not our business to change. We focus on what is our responsibility and what we can change.

We set reasonable goals. We take ourselves into account. We strive for balance.

Sometimes, we give ourselves a good gripe session to let it all out, but we do that appropriately, in a way meant to take care of ourselves and release our feelings, not to sabotage ourselves. We strive to avoid malicious gossip and other self-defeating behaviors.

We avoid competition; strive for cooperation and a loving spirit. We understand that we may like some people we work with and dislike others, but strive to find harmony and balance with everyone. We do not deny how we feel about a certain person, but we strive to maintain good working relationships wherever possible.

When we don’t know, we say we don’t know. When we need help, we ask for it directly. When panic sets in, we address the panic as a separate issue and try not to let our work and behavior be controlled by panic.

We strive to take responsible care of ourselves by appropriately asking for what we need at work, while not neglecting ourselves.

If we are part of a team, we strive for healthy teamwork as an opportunity to learn how to work in cooperation with others.

If something gets or feels crazy, if we find ourselves working with a person who is addicted or has some kind of dysfunction that is troublesome, we do not make ourselves crazier by denying the problem. We accept it and strive in peace to figure out what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

We let go of our need to be martyrs or rescuers at work. We know we do not have to stay in situations that make us miserable. Instead of sabotaging a system or ourselves, we plan a positive solution, understanding we need to take responsibility for ourselves along the way.

We remove ourselves as victims, and we work at believing we deserve the best. We practice acceptance, gratitude, and faith.

One day at a time, we strive to enjoy what is good, solve the problems that are ours to solve, and give the gift of ourselves at work.

Today, I will pay attention to what recovery behavior I could practice that would improve my work life. I will take care of myself on the job. God, help me let go of my need to be victimized by work. Help me be open to all the good stuff that is available to me through work.'

By Melodie Beattie

life is not ok unless they text back

can’t concentrate on anything until they text back

For the better part of the last decade I have been in a relationship that has destroyed me. I don’t need to rehash the all the dirty details; he’s been controlling, and I struggle to accept his “boundaries” which I argue are just rules he makes for me. He struggles with addiction, specifically with cocaine which makes him paranoid and gives me so much anxiety I drink to cope with it. I also drink to cope with how pissed off I am that he completely disrespects my needs like space and time alone, tries to control my social life, relies on me to constantly shoulder some of the weight that is his life while simultaneously treating me shitty and like I’m stupid.

It is not good. And it is so fucking draining. I feel like a shell of the person I was when I entered into this relationship. I’m terrified of losing my friends over still being with this pos guy (in their opinions) so I mostly keep my relationship a secret. I have to keep it a secret from my family as well.. that’s a whole other story of control and codependence when it comes to my mother.

I’m in therapy but it still just sucks. I recently got sober and the clarity that came with that has been so overwhelming. I am so miserable in my relationship and have been for so long but I’ve just numbed myself so much just to keep surviving.

Ive always been told the relationship is codependent but never really got it. I recently saw someone compare codependency to alcoholism or any other addiction and I finally understood that it involves real work and recovery just like addiction.

I want out but I don’t know how. He lives with me but he will need to leave, I own the house. I’m so scared of hurting him and I feel like he has nowhere to go if I kick him out and I am so frustrated with myself for not just doing the hard thing. I’m working on rebuilding self trust, if anyone has any suggestions of little promises I can make myself please let me know! I’m also trying to figure out what parts of him are a mirror to myself. But I need resources. I’m the rescuer, he’s the rescuee. I’m always there when he fucks up and he rarely has to face life without me regulating his emotions. This makes me feel needed and responsible when I don’t feel like a responsible adult most of the time.

Hello,

So here's the drill. I'm a lonely guy who by hazard ended up contacting a fellow student for help. We got in a distance friendship for 7 years. We liked each other, never saw in person. The only time she saw was during a work skype call with a teacher, she found me charming. We got feelings but since she's muslims, she wasn't able to move on this. So we remained friend.

Lately, when she told me about a crush she had on someone, I saw some signs of affective dependency, or DPD : she's depend on her family for being confident in truth, wasn't loved the way she would have liked. The boy she crushed on has some aspect of her sister, having a bold personality, a bit harsh, and distant, refusing tenderness or ignoring her willingfully.

My question is, considering she may be attracted by those who don't care, and being potentially turned out by what she intellectually seek, to give all her love to someone as caring as her, how can she work on herself to favorise what she intellectually know is good for her while her emotionnal respond make them fell unfit ??

Cause she told me her sister think she'll end up with a violent and harsh man cause she tend to play a role to please the other one, so she can be submissive especially with the family who concentrate this affective dependacy. With me this is different, my affection is no bargain, she doesn't have to make effort for that. But I don't want her to end up with a bad one, mistreated. She says if this is her fate to understand better what she's need, be it. But I really don't like this fatalism of suffering.

What would be your advices to help her get more attracted to healty relationnal pattern ?? Do set up boundaries based on self-love more than centered on the other one ??

Where are people finding their sponsors? I attend different virtual coda meetings but I'm not really sure how to find one.

Met a wonderful person 3 years ago. Had the best of times with them. I fell a little too hard (I know better). I am so hurt and even though I was aware that this could happen….

It will still resonate with me for some time. I slipped up and let myself become a little too codependent on this person.

Thanks for listening…

I moved out of the bed because I couldn’t stand being next to him. Now I’m just sitting here feeling pathetic.
I had one clear boundary when he moved back in: his ex was not allowed at my apartment. He broke it. She was here in July. I found out, asked him about it, and he lied; first saying it was nothing, then claiming it was at our old place. He still won’t admit it.
On top of that he’s been disrespectful in other ways, and when I try to bring anything up he gets aggressive or defensive. So I’ve been staying quiet, acting cold, and hating myself for it.
I keep telling myself I’m done and that he needs to go. But I can’t follow through. I’m spending money I don’t have, staying in a situation that makes me feel small, and I don’t even respect myself right now for letting it continue.
I’m so sad. And I’m so tired of being this version of me

(I'm sorry, this will be long, I need to vent)

My (ex) husband and I were together for 12 years total, 7 of those married. I left him because as I was reading 'Codependent No More', some things started to click, particularly how I never hold my boundaries. This is something I started uncovering in therapy, which I started last year, and in general I'm a people pleaser, which I realized leads me to codependence in romantic relationships.

There was a trigger, though. In short, we tried to have a non-monogamous relationship. Not fully open, there were rules and agreements, he broke an agreement and lied about it for a long time. I found out about this through a third person. So even though the relationship was non-monogamous, still, he cheated basically.

I told him it was over after I found out, but he pleaded and I decided to stay. However, both with the progress I was making in therapy and reading CDNM, I realized I was compromising my boundaries and tolerating things I wasn't okay with.

The thing is my ex has a lot of unresolved trauma. His parents were awful to him and his siblings during childhood, to the point where he told me at one point he didn't feel human, he felt more like a monster. From the time we started dating to a few years into the relationship, he started isolating himself more and more, seeing/talking to his friends less often. He said he didn't really feel like it, and that he had me, that he only needed me, etc.

I always encouraged him to seek therapy, but he didn't want to. He said he could heal on his own. He used a lot of weed, and would read Eastern philosophy.

He didn't really care much about reaching his goals, in fact, he spent A LONG TIME unemployed during the first half of our relationship. Even though he has a son from a previous relationship. So I was the 'responsible' partner in the relationship, I was the sole breadwinner for a long time, and manager of the household by default. At one point I gave him an ultimatum and he found a job, but even then most responsibilities fell on me.

I even took this to start managing his life. Like if he had a health problem, I knew he wouldn't see a doctor, so I would make appointments for him. He also relied on me for stuff that had to do with his son, particularly pick ups/drop offs. Because I drive and he doesn't, by default it was on me, so if it was his week to be with his son, I had to be on call for whenever his son had to go anywhere.

Finances was one area where I honestly always felt abandoned. He would give me money each month, but he didn't really get involved with budgeting, paying bills, saving, nothing. I talked to him about this numerous times, but he always just said he could give me more money, or that I just had to ask for his help, or that he was getting involved why couldn't I see it, etc. I always felt he was really irresponsible with money, he didn't care much about saving money, for instance, and was more about 'living in the moment'. He would often tell me "don't stress about money, money comes and goes, we'll be fine".

But the thing is in general, he was always sad, and down, he would constantly have breakdowns because he didn't feel well emotionally, and I was always there for him. I tried to figure out how to help him, but obviously there wasn't much I could do. He would just ask me to comfort him, to be there for him. That he didn't need anything else but to have me by his side.

So when I left him earlier this year, he was devastated. He has been out of work with a medical leave since then, he just spends his days doing nothing at the apartment he rented. I fear he will lose his job. I fear he will have nowehere to go. I feel like I abandoned him, when he needs me. I had to block his number recently because I asked him not to contact me, and he would anyway. And the last few times I talked to him, he would constantly cry and tell me he needed me, that we can make things work, that our love is so pure and so real and that he really can't be with anyone who isn't me.

I have discussed this with my therapist, and he advised me to talk to his family and friends, because while he can't diagnose him, and while he hasn't directly expressed wanting to end his life, that there's still a risk. So I did. But now I'm worried about him constantly. I talked to his best friend, who told me he's tried texting/calling him, but my ex won't engage.

I really want him to be happy, and I feel like I failed at that. Tbh at times I feel like the pain of having "abandoned" him is worse than the pain of him cheating on me. However, I know that I have to learn to respect myself and not let anyone, not even him, walk all over me.

But being on my own I've also realized I had lost myself in that relationship. That I wasn't really living for myself as much as I was living for him. It's been tough, but I can see this was the right decision. However, there are often times where I feel like I'm being pulled in opposite directions, on one hand, I feel more like myself and I'm managing my life according to my terms, but in the other, I miss him and can't bear the thought that he's suffering so much.

But then I also start doubting if it was the right decision, and if maybe I was unfair with him. He was always very loving and affectionate, he treated me like I really was the apple of his eye. He would buy me treats, expensive gifts (often going into debt for this but well), etc. He would also always do things he though I would like, I feel like he wasn't being fully himself, ie. he also lost himself in the relationship, maybe that's also why he was depressed?

Sorry for the wall of text, today is just one of those days filled with guilt and self-doubt.

'The Language of Letting Go – Codependency

Procrastination

Procrastination – not acting when the time is right – is a self-defeating behavior. It produces anxiety, guilt, disharmony, and a nagging consciousness of the task that life is telling us it’s time to do.

We are not always procrastinating when we put off doing something. Sometimes, doing a thing before the time is right can be as self-defeating as waiting too long.

We can learn to discern the difference. Listen to yourself. Listen to the Universe. What is past due and creating anxiety and prodding within you?

Is there something in your life you are avoiding because you don’t want to face it? Is there a building anxiety from putting this off?

Sometimes anger, fear, or feeling helpless can motivate procrastination. Sometimes, procrastination has simply become habitual.

Trust and listen to yourself, your Higher Power, and the Universe. Watch for signs and signals. If it is time to do something, do it now. If it is not yet time, wait until the time is right.'

By Melody Beattie.

tldr; my best friend is severely depressed and relies on me to have the solution when i am depressed myself and cannot get out of it also. she is possessive with my time, non communicative and doesn’t believe anything i say even though she is relying on me to regulate her emotions. i’m scared to draw boundaries because she might off herself. pls help lol

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I’ve been best friends with this girl for the past 3 years, and without fail, barring some vacations, we’ve hung out once a week for the past 3 years. she’s lesbian, and i’m bi, but we didn’t start out romantic, especially since she was in a long term relationship when we first started hanging out. she ended that relationship about a year and a half ago, and since then i’ve felt that she’s become more and more dependent on me to regulate her emotions.

for some context, i also have suicidal depression and general anxiety since i was young, but i’m also fairly high functioning and tend to people please, so i don’t really show how absolutely dreadful everything is until i’m alone. that being said, i am also aware that even though i can logically understand someone else’s depression, it is difficult for me to emphasize and therefore “help” someone with their depressive thoughts beyond saying something like “yeah same” because i find it so easy to ignore those feelings until i have to deal with them myself.

my friend has a very hard time sharing her feelings as well, but seeing how i was able to relate to her and talk about my depression/anxiety in a pretty light hearted way (eg serious comments about death in a silly goofy but not joking manner), she was able to open up to me and tells me every time she’s going through a depressive episode. she tells me she feels no one cares about her, that nothing sparks joy, and what is the point of it all. i feel the same way, but i’m unable to offer more than my time (literally weekly for 3 years, on top of the 12-14 hour shifts i was working 5 days a week) and shallow words because from personal experience, i know nothing external is actually gonna solve the issue. i’ve told her to go to therapy, maybe even get medicated, especially since i could tell i wasn’t helping her the way she needed to be helped. she says she thinks therapy is useless.

it seems like i’m the only one in her life, even though she is an extremely well liked person by anyone we’ve ever spoken to, so much so that she actually has multiple people asking her to hang out all the time. she rejects most of them because she only wants to hang out with me. of course, she’s also told me that she doesn’t like them very much/she doesn’t know them well and don’t want to spend more time with them, but it sometimes feels like i’m the only person she likes in her life.

she is genuinely one of my favourite people, and of course i care for her, but it feels like she is expecting me to spend all my time with her and help her through her sadness. even though she thinks i’m somehow the solution, she never believes me when i say i care about her, i want to spend time with her but i also have other friends, i don’t want her to be sad, etc etc.

she’s also starting to behave like a jealous lover. i’ve never had romantic feelings for her, but she seems like she’s started to develop some for me out of sheer dependency. she gets mad at me if i don’t give her the response that she expects from me when she says she’s sad, she gets sulky if i don’t hold her hand (i hold hands with everyone in my life i’m a very love language is physical touch person), she gets jealous if i go out with other friends, she gets mad if i make plans on the day that we usually go out on.

she’s going through a long depressive episode recently, a very sudden hard drop in her emotions that genuinely came out of nowhere. we work together, and she’s coming up to me at work to tell me she’s sad or bored and getting annoyed and saying you don’t care about me when i try to focus on the job. she’s starting to tell our coworkers that won’t take her seriously (they don’t know her well, and again she has a very jolly personality) that she’s depressed and saying does anyone care that she’s sad. she’s also mentioned that she doesn’t think i’ll know she died until at least a week later. i don’t think she’s seriously suicidal, though i am considering calling a hotline about it if i do think it’s getting more serious.

i had to cancel my usual hangout with her this week last minute because another friend of mine needed me urgently for something, and she says that she’s done and i’m always putting her second. i see this other friend i’ve known for almost 2 decades now maybe once a month or two. i see her once a week. i apologize for cancelling last minute and explain the situation again, and i knew she wanted to say something more to me so i tell her to just let me know what she’s thinking. she bottles it up and says she’s not going to tell me, but i know this is going to come up again and she’s going to be bitter about it.

she is growing resentful that i don’t love/care about her as much as she does about me. but i think i am giving as much of myself as i can, and i’ve never asked for her to solely have me in her life.

i’m scared that setting boundaries will lead her to do something drastic, and will make her think that i’m abandoning her. i’m not, and again i like spending time with her, and i care about her wellbeing.

if anyone has any advice on how to approach this it would be greatly appreciated 😭

This one hit me recently. Once I started seeing the connection, I couldn't really unsee it.

I used to think my validation-seeking was just an insecurity I needed to get over. I would overthink what people said, worry about whether someone was upset with me, feel guilty saying no, and constantly look for reassurance that I was okay.

And it wasn't just one thing. It showed up in relationships, friendships, work, basically anywhere where I felt like someone's approval mattered.

For a long time I thought I just needed to become more confident and stop caring so much about what other people thought.

But then I started thinking about what I actually wanted from those people.

I wanted to feel accepted. I wanted to feel understood. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't doing something wrong. I wanted someone to tell me that my feelings were okay and that I was still worthy even when I made mistakes.

And it made me realise that a lot of these needs probably didn't start in adulthood.

When some of those emotional needs aren't consistently met when we're young, maybe we learn to look outside ourselves for someone else to finally meet them. And that's where a lot of the validation-seeking comes from.

The part I've started to explore is whether self-compassion gives us another way to meet those needs.

Not in the sense of telling ourselves positive things or pretending everything is okay, but actually learning to recognise what we need and respond to ourselves with the same understanding and care we're constantly looking for from other people.

Maybe the goal isn't to stop needing other people altogether. Maybe it's to become less dependent on them to give us something we can gradually learn to give ourselves.

I don’t know where to start. I have been struggling for years now, and it has gotten worse when I got married 2 years ago. Please don’t judge me. I badly need help and I am very emotional since I’m pregnant.

Let me give you a little background about myself. I come from a family where my parents weren’t the best example of how love looks like or how it should feel like. Since I was young they have been fighting a lot (I am 32 now). 95% of the time they would argue - this started when my father cheated the first time. He did multiple times actually. And yet they still haven’t separated up until now. Which is very toxic and is sucking all of our energy (me and my siblings). They said they did it for us - so we won’t become a broken family. I’d rather have that than an unhappy one tho. My father had many close girl friends, and honestly I see him happier with them than with my mom. There are times that he’d prioritize them over my mom.

My parents are also very strict - we had to excel in school to get their approval. We had to earn their love - that’s what I felt.

Fast forward to my adult years, when me and my husband got together, I laid down my non-negotiables as I did not want to end up like my mom. I said cheating is non-tolerable and would result to us breaking up. And that I would not accept the bare minimum. Which happened actually. I got what I wanted. But ever since we got together, I anchored my everything in him, my world revolved around only him. I only wanted to experience firsts with him, when he’s away I would just sulk and wait and my world will only resume until he’s back. I would get jealous when I feel other people make him happier or when he experiences firsts with them.

I feel like I love him more than myself. He’s my favorite person and I don’t even think I like myself that much. This has been our biggest problem since we got together and in our marriage. We have been fighting a lot and it has become toxic. He has been understanding but idk, I know I’m really the problem. I tried therapy but only a few free sessions. I cannot afford it now. Please share your advice or own experience. I feel like I am the worst person in the world right now.

I’m waking up to the fact that I think I might be codependent but some things I see people talking about don’t seem to align with my life experience and so I’m trying to understand how my patterns fit into the bigger picture of codependency.

• I desperately want to feel like I have people to go through life with, although at the same time I’ve always been very independent and handle pretty much everything on my own. I’ve always been deeply independent, and for years struggled to feel safe relying on anyone because “what if tomorrow they’re gone and then I can’t function?”. So I have taken care of everything for myself my entire life to the point where I forget that I can even ask people for things or for help unless I’m in a desperate situation where I feel I have no choice but to seek resources outside of myself. So instead of always relying on others my experience has been deeply desiring someone to be able to rely on but always carrying the load alone at the end of the day whether by not recognizing those around me as people who can or would want to help, or just a lack of people around me at all.

• I always feel like everything that goes wrong in my relationships must be my fault, and I am desperate to fix any problems I feel like “I create.” I do not however dismiss people for raising issues with me, I instead express gratitude for them letting me know how they are feeling and do my best to always strictly adhere to any boundaries someone gives me. After all if I don’t then I must be a bad person. I see boundaries as the road map to loving a person the right way and feel grateful that they share that with me.

• I get so anxious about making the right choice and never negatively impacting other people. I’m so terrified of negatively impacting others that I agonize over what to do, and if I make a choice and someone gets upset then it was clearly the wrong choice. On the flip side, The idea of telling anyone else that they negatively impacted me feels like fear in my body. Like I should not tell people that and if I feel negatively impacted it must still be because of something I did wrong.

• I don’t ever want to tell other people what to do or to be in charge of them, because I fear they will come to resent me if I do. I’m happy to support people in their choices or their goals but for example an ex told me he wanted me to tell him to go to the gym in the morning and I was like I absolutely don’t want to do that because I don’t want to make you feel bad by being the voice who’s always nagging you. I hate the idea of being a “nagging” person at all.

• I very much struggle to express my needs and often do in a way that is very round about using more open “collaborative” language. Instead of just saying upfront “I need this thing” I try to phrase it in the least confrontational way possible. For example, if I was feeling like I wanted more sexual intimacy in a past relationship I would ask “what turns you on or gets you in the mood” so that it was centered around their pleasure instead of my own desire or want.

• I have endless empathy for others but feel like I’m a terrible person. I can always understand why other people do things that hurt me, I can always find reasons and excuses for it, but I always feel like I’m the one f*cking everything up and that I’m failing every situation. I hold myself to a standard of perfection while others get a pass to do anything and it’s always understandable.

I think that there are some aspects of how I function in relationships that aren’t necessarily bad. I always take accountability for my faults or mistakes and try to repair, im always willing to look at myself and to try to do better. I’m always ready to collaborate and problem solve on issues with the other person. I’m very solutions oriented but I also care that my partner feels seen and heard and understood. I care about what my partner needs and their boundaries and I never try to control other people’s wants, desires, or behaviors.

I’m getting better at setting boundaries or stating needs when it’s necessary, like my last partner always assumed the worst of me any time something happened that resulted in him having hurt feelings and eventually I had to say that I cared about how my actions impacted him but it seemed like he didn’t trust me or couldn’t tolerate my imperfections and that a relationship can only work if he believes I have good intentions and I’m not trying to hurt him otherwise he will always view me as an adversary. He didn’t agree but I stood my ground and said that was the system of trust I wanted to operate from. When he tried to pull away and say he wasn’t ever going to have time to see me, I stood my ground and said that I was looking for a relationship with consistency and that I wasn’t really interested in a relationship where I never saw my partner, so if that’s not what he was available for then maybe we should go our separate ways.

So I’m trying. But my instinct is always to shrink, accommodate, shrink some more, and always always assume I did something wrong or that something is wrong with me, to a fault. It’s like I can’t think any other way. And I just have this pervasive feeling of being so exhausted by carrying my life alone all of the time and wanting companionship and care and relief, but I feel like that will never be available to me.

Does this seem like codependency to others here? Or a form of it? If so I think it could inform my therapy and also help me to seek additional treatment.

I have two friends I recently met in a new friend group who I suspect have developed a codependent friendship with each other. They, 68M and 55F, have been friends for a long time. But the woman lost her husband a few years ago, and I suspect that's when their relationship turned unhealthy.

When I talk to the woman separately, she's warm, funny and great to be around. But if I try to talk to them when they're together, it's like her real personality is completely gone. She laughs when he laughs, and if he is angry, she quiets down completely and doesn't speak up for herself or for anyone. Not even me. It's like she shrinks.

It's complicated a bit by the fact that the man, I think, is protecting her. He is either protecting her from some perceived threat of me. Or he's possibly protecting himself from losing her to me.

I'm not sure which, but I know that when I talk to them together, he tries to undermine things I say, avoids any eye contact with me, and instead chimes in by joking directly with her about things I say. And she laughs. It's a bit like they become that teenage girl group who only laugh with each other, but if someone outside of their bubble tries to join in, they freeze that person out.

So my question is: Does this sound like some codependency or is it something else? If she is codependent, does she even know how her personality changes when she's around him? Or is she completely oblivious to it? At some point I'd like to bring this up to her, but if she's not even aware of it, I don't think that conversation would go over very well.

Honesty

"With the help of ACA, we are offering our parents fairness as we look at the family system with rigorous honesty. We are looking for the truth so that we can live our own lives with choice and self-confidence. We want to break the cycle of family dysfunction." BRB p. 27 

"What is honesty?" asked the old man.

"Telling the truth," I said.

He raised his eyebrows and replied, "That's only half of the answer. The other part is consistency, which means telling the truth all the time."

How many times do we tell half truths? "Yes, I'd be glad to do that," we say, but deep inside we're already shaming ourselves for giving in. "So, what's wrong?" someone asks. We answer, "Nothing," when our hearts are so broken we'd like to end it all. Or the phone rings in the middle of a fight, and we cheerfully answer like all is right with the world.

When working the steps in ACA, we have the privilege of practicing rigorous honesty with a fellow traveler. We want to break the chains that hold us in bondage - to stop repeating the same ineffective behavior. We're tired of failed relationships, verbal abuse, and isolation. If we truly want to find peace and serenity, we courageously walk through the swamps, hand in hand with our fellow traveler, armed with honesty, to face the truth. We want a better life. We make room for the good stuff that we deserve.

On this day I will be mindful in the present moment and be honest. I will make healthy choices and thank my Higher Power for the encouragement that got me here.

https://adultchildren.org/literature/meditation/

It was brought to my attention from my boyfriend that I’m codependent. I don’t want to be codependent on him and I try to meet every expectation he has for me, let me break it down.

I had a rough childhood (my abusive older brother and my dad constantly fighting him daily, not to mention I was r***d by my brother), my parents aren’t divorced, I have 3 younger siblings, my grandma is a cheat and a liar, and my aunt, uncle, and mom are all fakes. Trying to figure out what love truly is in my mind is like an endless maze, I struggle with major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia. Going through life on the day-to-day is really difficult for me especially when my partner can’t see, feel, or help me when he can see that I’m struggling.

When we get into arguments I tell him “I see and hear you, >repeated what was told to me<“ but when I try to explain to him how I feel and my emotions, I seek his validation and support the way I do for him. I want emotional support and validation and I get met with a hard wall. Reading up on other peoples stories and comments tells me that I’m really codependent in that aspect. Its some what soul crushing that I’ve been asking for his validation when all I need to do is sit and listen. I neglect my own mental health and feelings just to validate his, it’s hard for me to wrap around my head “When should I be doing that for myself? When should I validate my own opinion when I value his so much?“.

I know I can value his opinion and views but in tense situations, when should I know that I was in the wrong when I can’t see my own opinion? I feel so stuck. Trying to climb out of a hole that’s coated in oil and I’m supposed to on my own? It feels like the most important yet hardest thing to do when I can’t even figure out who I am! I struggle with loving and hating myself but the only way I feel like I can be loved is when he pushes me to do better and be stronger. I know I can be, I believe that I can be but the strength to do so is so great I feel my muscles are going to tear.

So I ask all the people who’ve come out on the other side, how? I need guidance, I want to know what changes you made to come out so strong and how do I get myself out of this deep dark rut? I want to be better for myself and grow together with him with respect and understanding.

Hi everyone- I have been going to CODA but I kind of took a break for a while and now I need to go back. I think I’m starting to realize a relationship that has been very codependent that I hadn’t expected, or I’m just getting awareness. My sister and I went to surprise my mom who lives out of town. We both had to travel a fair distance to get there from opposite directions. We have also lost three family members in our immediate family in the last few years and it is just us and my mom. So this is the background in a nutshell, and we are both bookends with me being the oldest, and my sister is the youngest.

Before the trip, my sister does what she usually does, expecting me to make the plans and we’re going to stay and choose that pay for it out of my own money and then she reimburses me later. Luckily, I had the money to do it, but it’s the fact that I have done this several times, especially after all the funerals where it was just expected because I’m the oldest that I had to make the decisions, rent the rental car, and book the place and then we had to stay at the same place, so I am booking a house through Air bnb. I have for years, met all of her expectations, and I put this in here as part of the story.

My sister has also dealt with a lot of PTSD, abusive relationships, eating disorders and also suicide attempts. I have tried to help her through all of these and a lot of times she will trauma dump on me. This is also part of the story.

We are down visiting my mom and as soon as we get with my entire family, nieces, nephews, my sister-in-law and other family, including my mom. My sister starts acting like she’s five years old again humiliating me, picking on me, and acting like it’s siblings stuff and just being annoying. She hadn’t acted like this since we were kids. For a long time, I ignored the behavior, even though it was getting more and more obnoxious, and I eventually told her to stop. She was being too much. Which she walked out of this busy restaurant and made a huge scene yelling at me and crying, and saying she needed to get out of there. She claimed that I was rolling my eyes( I probably was) and then I was very rude and she was just having fun and I am being way too sensitive. I realize now that I probably should’ve nipped it in the bud, but I think it would’ve received the same reaction because I never tell her to stop and I never tell her I’m done with this behavior. I have done a lot of therapy on my own and we haven’t been together very much other than dealing with family stuff. I am a different person now and going through a lot of healing with the death of my dad and other family. With this incident, she got over it and then we left together. I was not going to apologize for telling her to stop, but she never offered any apology for her part. I can’t make anyone apologize to me so we were moving on. I chalked it up to jet lag and just stress from that.

Next day seemed to be a lot calmer. We all got enough sleep. I had a healthy breakfast laid out for everyone and I was just relaxing and my son so most of the day went well. We didn’t talk about the previous day and it was fine. It was water under the bridge. I had family come over for a surprise birthday party for my mom, and my sister started again. She kept taking my phone and asking me what my password was and then writing obnoxious things on my social media that I supposedly wrote, but it was extremely immature about bathroom stuff. I’m friends with my bosses on my Facebook page along with a lot of my friends and it was embarrassing. She was mad that I ended up changing my password and I refused to give her back my phone. Then she started needling me and trying to get a response out of me. Part of it was also eating some of my mom‘s birthday cake and then she kept saying “I’m double dipping” while we’re all sitting around the table while she is getting spoonful after spoonful of my mom‘s cake that was on the tray, instead of cutting a piece for herself. My mom‘s health is not the best, and it was just gross. No one said a thing and I probably should’ve but I was afraid because I felt like she was setting me up for a blow up. There were other things she was doing to try to see if she would get a reaction. Again, very immature behavior and inappropriate for an adult who should know better. Later, she could not get the TV to work and I had to contact the host to try to get a security code off of the TV. After she was still having trouble with it I just told her she needed to push this button to get it to work as what the host had told me. She completely blew up at me, yelling at me that I need to stop telling her what to do and stormed off and started crying. All of us in the living room are just kind of looking at each other like what was that all about? Then she was in her room for about an hour, and she was texting my husband and other people that we are mutual friends with to try to get them on her side. My spouse was the last straw. I didn’t confront her about it then but I have since and it’s a boundary that I am not going to have her cross again. You don’t get my husband who is not even there involved in this situation. She clearly was looking for sympathy or a fight. Needless to say, she hardly came out of the room at the end of the night and gave everyone a hug except for me.

The next morning we went out to breakfast. It was our last time to be with my mom and I think with all the things that I wasn’t saying and she was starting it again. I just had it. My sister was pushing back and saying I was sensitive, and I overexaggerate all of these things, and I have been horrible the entire weekend to her and treating her terribly and all of these things that were coming out of her mouth were just complete lies about what I do, what I say, and it was a complete character attack. She ended up leaving and getting an Uber to the airport which I was happy about. I apologized to my family, but we still haven’t patched anything up. I’m so upset with her and I’m upset because my husband told me all the things that she said about me that were blatantly untrue. He knows this as he was with me on all the steps and trying to book everything and get this trip laid out. She even brought up about how she has told me all of her deepest, darkest secrets, including her eating disorders and suicide attempts. Why would you bring that up now?

I feel like for so long I have given her the benefit of the doubt of all the stuff that is going on with the death of our family members, with her eating disorders, with her abuse in the past, and all of the stuff that she’s gone through. And I have put her on a pedestal because she is my sister, my only sister and I would overlook her flaws because she is my sister. Yes, she has had a rough life. However, I feel like I’ve made things 10 times worse and I should just relent and let it just all roll off because of that because there is a lot of guilt and shame. However, am I recovery? I have to deal with this situation and I know I need to go back to CODA because this is much bigger than I am able to deal with right now. We didn’t talk at all yesterday, and now she wants to send me all the stuff that she wrote in her journal about her feelings about what had happened this weekend. I know from my recovery that what other people think of me and about me and about a situation is absolutely none of my business and I don’t know how to tell her this without her going off again. However, she is many many miles away from me right now, so it probably is the safest way of doing it.

How do I keep my boundaries and check to make sure that I am not being baited and humiliated and shamed and all of this when I don’t even believe that this is my issue at all, that it’s her trauma that is causing her this much pain that she’s lashing out at the safest person who has always had her back : ME. Now that I am standing up for myself, probably the first time in my life against my sister, E she is responding and some of the ugliest ways and I don’t even recognize her anymore. If you’ve been there too with a sibling, especially a younger sibling, where in my case, I am so much older than her that it is like a mother daughter relationship, I would appreciate some sound advice. Sorry this is a book.

*edited for punctuation and clarity

We talk about codependency in romantic partners (and i wad guilty of that in my last one) but sometimes wonder if its true in my other relationships like friendships?
Not the “must be together all the time.” But “i must always make these people happy. Must always put their needs above mine. Must always be light and entertaining. My worth is based on what I can do for them and how positively they react to me. I don’t feel like a good person unless I am 100% always doing something good for someone else and if i make a mistake then I’m the worst person in the world.”
Probably already know the answer that it is but is this true of me right now?
Or is it only in romantic ones?

I [20F] have a weird relationship with my close friend [19F]. We've known eachother for 5 years now, we went to the same highschool and now we're in the same college with the same friend group and everything. After getting to know her a bit i immediately felt a spark I never felt with anyone before, so I got attached to her and even went out of my way to invite her out, which is something I never do.

After a while I started thinking about her constantly and depending on her more, it got so bad to the point where she was absent for a week because of an illness and I was extremely depressed and anxious the entire week. She would get sick often so it led to me developing anxiety over any sign of her feeling unwell.

Eventually i started pestering her when she was sick, asking if she was ok and when she thought she'd come back. On top of everything i started feeling deeply ashamed of myself for depending on her and pestering her too much, it was taking a massive toll on my self esteem.

I also started developing intense jealousy towards her critical thinking skills and passions. Shes really into video games and has some great analyses on them, has very well thought out opinions and i admire that, but any time i try to add my own thoughts in a discussion i feel like every single thing i say is overshadowed by her much more well constructed arguements.

In short, I was toxic and codependent so i started seeing a therapist, things are a lot better now and and we're a lot less close, but the jealousy and need for approval is still there even if i dont show it as much. Its exhausting constantly comparing myself to someone else and tying my entire self worth to that.

Any advice? I genuinely wanna learn to respect myself more

i feel like i have no person or a friend i can just call and they'd intentionally hangout with me. i feel like i have no one. i feel so lonely and sad and i feel the need to change myself and in my mind, i know i just have to learn to enjoy my own company cause i’ll leave this place anyway and i’ll have to learn how to be alone in another place again but it’s a different kind of loneliness. i feel so jealous of people who have someone to hangout when my classes ends. i feel like everyone has their own one call away friend and i just dont have that and i feel so insecure cos it has been a pattern with some of the friends i considered close so maybe the problem was me? or was it the different schedules? i dont know. do i value them the way they value me? am i treating them the way theyre treating ne? what am i doing wrong? am i not worthy?