I've been out to myself as trans since 2015, but the only thing holding me back from actually doing anything besides dressing masculine, cutting my hair, addressing myself as male to strangers and coming out to my friends-- is my family. Their friends, our relatives, my neighborhood, my coworkers, even my friends' families.
Other people are stopping me from living my life, and because of that I've been stuck in the same spot for 11 years.
I am 25 right now, I realized I was trans at age 14/15. I kept a "trans journal" since I was 15 and while reading it I can see that I've made good progress, though it is minimal considering it's been 11 years. I feel like I've wasted all these years, and I hate that I only started thinking that after it's been repeated to me multiple times ("You should start transitioning now, you're wasting time"). I am too scared to go to a psychiatrist. I procrastinate it because I know once I start there is no going back (there is, logically, but mentally it'd kill me to go back or stop).
Where I'm from, you have to go to a psychiatrist for minimum 6 months, do a 5h long test (it checks if you have gender dysphoria, depression, autism, etc... if you're mentally ok generally), get confirmed for HRT and spend a month just doing a full body examination, full bloodwork, all that. Then you usually get the same dose as everybody else, 250mg every second week, intramuscular shot. Then after 6 months you get a checkup.
The thing is, I know that if I had the support of my family, I'd view all this and be absolutely excited, but because I don't have it and I am still partially closeted, I only feel dread and fear. My friends keep telling me I need to just not care, go and do it, not wait for the "perfect moment" that doesn't actually exist. Idealistically, I'd move out and start everything, but that is a struggle by itself (but now I have a bf who I might move in sometime in the future! But I am scared to tell my parents this too, which sounds idiotic considering I am 25 haha. I am always really anxious to talk to them about anything big/important because I am scared of being dismissed, judged or argued with).
Ever since I've met my bf last year, he has helped me a lot and made me feel more hopeful (his family is transphobic and still misgenders/deadnames him to this day, but they're slowly starting to respect him more. He is also officially 2 weeks on T and I am SO proud. I was with him through almost all of the process and it was not so scary to "experience" this side of trans journey, even from the passenger seat. I was SO excited about everything, even the bloodwork, that I joked how I'm acting like I am the one getting approved for HRT, as sad as it sounds. It made me envious how I'm able to be so happy for somebody else, partially because I don't have the stress of other people's expectations glued to my back.
When I was 16 I accidentally came out to my parents. They both blamed themselves for me "becoming" trans. Mom because she let me cut my hair short. Dad because he "didn't allow" me to wear makeup when I was 12 (I was disinterested in makeup lol). Both because throughout my childhood they paid more attention to my sick younger brother, which somehow meant that I thought being a boy = getting my parents' attention and love? All ridiculous, I know. The sad part was that they never tried talking with me and understanding where I was coming from. They took me to a psychologist without telling me anything. They only discussed this with other people. Years later, when I thought maybe they forgot about me being trans, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with her brother about me, and in short she said that I can do whatever I want once I'm not "under her roof".
As sad as it sounds, that was one of the main reasons why I wish to start my transition once I move out. But it feels so far away. Closer than ever, yes, but still not close enough. I wouldn't be able to relax or feel joy if I started now while living with them -- but I am also not sure if I'm gaslighting myself here.
The only other thing I know is that my dad kind of accepted it/showed that he didn't care too much (according to my mom who's reaction was heavier), while my mom feared for me (because of how trans people are treated, she didn't want me to "be" trans too). Also, when I came out, my dad spoke to me normally, but he just dismissed me being trans and he told me to focus on school, getting a job etc, and not this. He even cheerfully asked if there was anybody I liked, a guy or a girl (to anybody who knows my dad, they'd be shocked, because he never asks about things like that or even shows any interest ngl, so it was weird and sudden). Meanwhile my mom was angry, dramatic, dismissed everything, said she also wanted to be a man and hated her chest until she realized men like boobs (??). So even when I tried talking to her, she dismissed everything angrily and didn't take me seriously. Keep in mind this was all when I was a teenager.
I am scared that even if i start HRT without their knowledge, it'd probably only take 2-3 months for them to notice big changes like facial hair, acne, voice change. I am pretty hairy, my built is a square, I pass most of the time, I have slight facial hair, I know T would hit me good (lol), and I am ironically scared of that only because of my parents. I haven't shaved my legs in two years and during summer I wear pants when I know they're at home! I care too much about what they think of me because I hate the idea of disappointing them, losing them and not having their support that I am too scared to "risk" it. They wouldn't kick me out of the house. What I think would happen is that it'll just be extremely awkward (or my mom would be angry) -- and I don't want to live with them during that time. I'd rather endure it and live in a limbo for a few more years until I'm financially able to move out and survive.
Every time I see somebody who has the same/similar issues as me, or somebody who is a few steps ahead of me but used to be in the same spot, it makes me feel hopeful and less alone.