This is a continuation of my last post because I did finally sit down and talk about the wedding situation with DH and get his perspective. If you want the exact context of what happened at the wedding, please read my last post.

Yes, it's long, and yes, this one is probably going to be long too. Apparently I have to put a disclaimer because there are people who can't handle more than 30 seconds of content after being on social media for so long lol. Sorry, but sometimes details matter, especially when people will fill in the blanks themselves if you don't give them.

Anyway.

Like always, DH's first instinct after something uncomfortable happens with his family is basically to forget about it and move on.

And I'm like, no.

If you want me attending YOUR family events, then situations like this HAVE to be talked about.

Because if this is what I should expect every time I see your family, eventually you can count me out.

The wedding was last Friday. On Sunday, after I got home from work, I sat down with him and we talked.

At one point he said, "I don't really want to say anything because I don't want it to sound like I'm defending my mom."

And I straight-up asked him:

"Why would you be defending your mom?"

So I started breaking the situation down for him.

I haven't seen his mother since January. I don't call her. She's blocked and deleted from my phone. I've declined every invitation to his parents' house, and he has literally explained to them why I don't come over anymore.

So knowing all of that, do you seriously expect me to see your mother at this wedding and suddenly perform closeness that doesn't exist?

That's when he kind of went, "Huh."

Then he said, "Well, you could've been kind."

Kind?

I WAS kind.

And that's when DH brought up Jesus and Christianity and basically told me I should think about what Jesus would do and be kind lol

And I literally looked at him and said, "I CAN be kind. But being kind does not mean I have to perform closeness with somebody I'm not close to."

Those are not the same thing.

I can speak to your mother. I can be respectful. I can have a normal conversation with her. I can be in the same room with her and not make everybody uncomfortable.

But I'm not required to hug her, act excited to see her, or pretend we have this warm relationship when we don't.

And I'm pretty damn sure somewhere in the Bible they talk about accountability too. Let's not start throwing Christianity and Jesus into the conversation just because it supports one particular part of the narrative.

Because if we're going to talk about kindness, then let's talk about accountability, forgiveness, repentance, making amends, and how you treat people too.

You don't get to pull out "What would Jesus do?" only when it's time for ME to swallow my feelings and make somebody else comfortable.

I even asked him, "What exactly should I have done? Hugged your mom anyway?"

Because what does that communicate?

Now we're hugging, so maybe everything is fine. Maybe everything has blown over. Maybe we're back to normal.

No.

I want my actions to match reality. I'll respect you. I'll speak to you. I'll be civil. But we're not at the hugging and affection stage, and I'm not going to fake it.

Then DH said something that actually shocked me:
"Well, there's nothing I can do."

I'm like...what?

What exactly do you think I'm asking you to do?

I'm not asking you to control your mother, change her, cut her off or start a fight with your family.
I'm asking you to stand beside your wife.

Because I know this situation is eventually going to make its way back to him. And when it does, tell her the truth:

"Mom, she hasn't seen you in months. She hasn't been coming over here, and I've already told you how she feels. Why are you shocked she wasn't comfortable hugging you? Just because time passed doesn't mean the hurt disappeared. I'm not going to force my wife to give you physical affection to make you feel better. I understand your feelings may have been hurt, but hers matter too."

That's it.

You can acknowledge your mother's feelings without making your wife responsible for fixing them.

I also told him that if his mother genuinely wants a better relationship with me, there has to be accountability.

I've said several times that if she actually acknowledged the hurt she caused and wanted to repair things, I'd be willing to try.

But MIL doesn't really apologize. She'll explain her past and why she reacted a certain way, say something like, "I'm sorry that made you feel that way," or get defensive.

Understanding WHY somebody behaves a certain way can help me empathize with them. It doesn't erase what they did.

Then I broke down the actual interaction with his mother, and honestly, this is the part that's comical to me.

I told him, "Your mom isn't stupid. She KNOWS there's distance between us."

Her own approach showed that.

Because make this shit make sense:

How do you approach somebody, say "Hi" and literally nothing else, and then get mad because they simply say hello back?

YOU approached ME.

Every other person who approached me at that wedding continued the conversation. "How are you?" "How have you been?" Something.

My MIL walked up and said, "Hi."
I said, "Hi," and turned my attention back toward the wedding.

Then suddenly:
"That's it?"
HUH?!

Ma'am, YOU started the interaction! If you wanted a conversation, continue the conversation!

Why was it my responsibility to take the "Hi" you gave me and transform it into some warm, enthusiastic reunion? Your “Hi” wasn’t even enthusiastic lol

I gave you exactly what you gave me.

Then she awkwardly goes for a handshake.
And at this point she has my FULL attention because now I'm staring at her like, What the fuck is happening? Did you actually want to say something more?

Because you're acting real entitled over the fact that I didn't continue the conversation for you, so okay. I'm here. I'm looking at you. You have my undivided attention now.

And she STILL doesn't say anything else.

You just got offended because I only said hi, but now that I'm staring directly at you waiting to see what else you apparently wanted from me...you have nothing else to say.

Instead, the awkward handshake turns into an attempted hug.

And that's when it clicked for me.

I politely said, "No thank you."

And her whole fucking top flies off.

Like ma'am, WHAT?!

Just because it’s been awhile everything didn’t suddenly reset itself.

From what I've witnessed over the years, I genuinely think I'm one of the few people who has consistently pushed back against her behavior instead of eventually letting everything slide to restore peace.

And sometimes it feels like she malfunctions when that doesn't work with me.

I'm not demanding that woman grovel. I'm not saying reconciliation is impossible. I'm just not giving anybody a reset without repair.

Eventually DH told me, "Honestly, this is hard for me. I don't know how to do this."

Then he asked me to send him basically a script for what he could say if his family brings the situation up.

And I did.

Part of me appreciates that he admitted he doesn't know how to handle it and actually asked for help.

The other part of me is sitting there thinking...you don't know how to stand up for your wife?

Because I've seen this man stand up for things before.

And THIS is really the bigger issue for me.

DH has an incredibly difficult time seeing certain behaviors clearly when his family is involved.

If I completely remove his family from the scenario, he gets it.

I can give him a hypothetical about some random person repeatedly treating us badly and ask what he'd do.

"I'd distance myself."

Would you keep putting your wife around them?

"No."

Would you want them around your children?

"Fuck no."

Okay.

Then I tell him, "Everything I just described actually happened. I just removed your family's names." Lol

And suddenly it's different.

Now he's upset.

"So you don't want me around my family?"

NO.
That's not what I said… that’s kind of what you said Yikes!

He's already pretty low contact with them and honestly has been since I've known him.

There were pre-existing issues in this family BEFORE ME. I didn't create them. I walked into an existing dynamic, and then more shit happened.

I think DH has spent so much of his life being the son who validates and manages his parents' feelings that sometimes he doesn't know how to stop doing that and just be my husband.

A perfect example happened recently when we were talking about what happened after we brought our newborn home.

He basically said that what happened was partly our fault because maybe we should've explicitly told his family no visitation during that time.
And I'm like...WAIT.

YOU knew we didn't want visitors.
My family knew we didn't want visitors.
So why did my family understand that boundary, but somehow the people living in the same house didn't?

And even if we could've communicated something better, how does that justify what happened afterward?

That's the pattern that frustrates me.
Instead of first saying, "My parents shouldn't have done that," his brain immediately searches for what

WE could've done differently to prevent their reaction.

At this point, when it comes to his family, I want distance.

A LOT of distance.

For many reasons, I don't think this family dynamic is beneficial to our marriage, and honestly, I don't even think it's beneficial to DH.

But here's the thing:

I don't want to leave my husband because of his family.

I've told him before that if we had continued living with his parents, I genuinely believe we would've gotten divorced. Our marriage would not have survived that environment.

And moving out didn't magically fix everything either.

We've been living on our own for almost a year now, and it has been a VERY rocky year. Divorce has been in the air at different points, and that's a huge part of why we're in therapy.

Because I'm tired.

I'm becoming emotionally exhausted and disconnected, and I've told him that.

I need him present in our marriage. Not just for me, but for himself and for our child too.

I can't keep fighting WITH my husband just to get him to show up AS my husband.

I can't keep fighting this hard for you to be my partner.

I've done that for far too long, and I'm tired.

And that's really why I'm asking this community.

For the women here or men too who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who had a really hard time seeing the unhealthy dynamics in their own family:

Did they eventually see it? What finally made it click?

Because DH HEARS me.

That's the frustrating part.

He hears what I'm saying. Sometimes I can literally see that he understands it.

But he's having a really hard time fully accepting it.
Sometimes it almost feels like when I criticize something his parents did, he hears it as me criticizing HIM.

Like, "This is part of me. This is my family. This is where I came from."

And I'm like, no.

I'm talking about your parents and specific things they did that weren't right. I'm not saying YOU are your parents.

Yes, your family shaped you. Of course they did. All of our families shape us.

But being shaped by something doesn't mean you're permanently stuck with it.

You can recognize, "Yeah, I learned this from my family, but this isn't healthy and I don't want to carry it into my marriage or into the family we're creating."
You can change.

And I understand that's going to take time. That's basically part of why we're in therapy.
I'm not expecting some magical overnight realization where he wakes up tomorrow like, "Holy shit, I see everything now."

I'm looking for movement.

So I genuinely want to hear from people who have actually lived this.

What opened the floodgates for your spouse?
Was there a particular moment where the light finally came on?

Was it therapy? Distance? Becoming a parent? Something their family did? Hearing it from somebody besides you? Or did they slowly start recognizing things over time?

And especially if there's anybody here who was actually more like my HUSBAND in this situation, I'd really like to hear from you too.

Did your spouse point these things out while you struggled to see them because this was your family and your normal?

Did criticism of your family's behavior initially feel like criticism of YOU?

And what finally helped you separate the two?
Because honestly, that's what I'm trying to understand.

I'm willing to acknowledge that unlearning a family dynamic you've lived in your entire life takes time.
I don't expect perfection.

I don't expect an overnight transformation.
But I need progress, because I cannot keep fighting the same fight forever.

So for those who actually made it through something like this (in this long ass post lol) with your marriage intact:

What finally helped your spouse see the light, and what did that process actually look like?

Edit: wow guys there’s a lot of info I didn’t add here because I wasn’t trying to shore up my own defense. I didn’t think I needed to in this space :) and for brevity’s sake! But since it’s been called out, I will clarify:

Yes, it’s MIL lake house. She lets us use it on a very conditional basis as in she has to be present and we need to ask her permission. There is no unlimited access to her lakehouse. We have to jump through hoops to use it and walk on eggshells when we are there :) this is the ironic part since she wants to use our things without asking permission and without us being present.

The jet ski stays in our garage! Not at her lakehouse. And logistically there is no where to even put it at the lake house. It’ll stay in the water until we leave.

Most importantly, we offered her to use the jet ski! It’s right there in the post! She declined but waited until I was gone to make a complaint about having to ask to use it and brought up other instances of having to ask permission. She likes to assume ownership of our things, which I’m sure can be a frustration for most people.

Lastly, I’ve reflected while writing this and it became abundantly clear that this is an SO problem and his answer left me wide open for a negative response from MIL. It’s HIS job to set the boundaries with HIS mother.

I have no one to talk about this stuff with so maybe it was just a vent :)

ORIGINAL POST:

It’s me again. I really appreciated all the advice on my last post, If you recall, it was about my MIL always taking ownership of the new things me and SO obtain, ie, jet ski, home gym, etc. It’s in my history if anyone cares to take a gander.

MIL made a comment about me to SO that I believe is now requiring me to say something to MIL.

This past weekend me and SO took our kids to the lake so we could break in the new jet ski.

MIL is coming up too because she needs to switch some mattresses around in one of the rooms. I think it was just a case of fomo, but it’s her lakehouse so whatever. And she was very kind to watch the kids when they didn’t want to ride the jet ski anymore so me and SO could take it out together. The OG plan was for me and SO to take turns.

Anyway. We had asked her if she wanted to take it out to which she declined due to her back acting up. However while I was out riding it, SO was back at the house finishing up some work. MIL told him she now wanted to ride it.

Now this is the part of the story I’m unclear on because I wasn’t there, but somehow it was questioned how it’ll work regarding permission to ride the jet ski. Idk why, but SO told her when she wants to ride it to ask me. Not sure why he would say that. Especially since we agreed that when someone wants to ride it, we talk it over with each other and decide. SO keeps saying he bought the thing for me and wants it to be mine. So maybe that was his rationale. Idk, but I already told him how it seems like a cop out for not wanting to set boundaries himself. He will not be doing this going forward.

However, it’s MIL’s response that brings me here.

SO told me that she said “I’m not asking DIL, she made me feel like I couldn’t use the home gym.”

He’s bad at remembering details so that’s as much as I got out of him. He said he didn’t respond bc the baby woke up and he went to go get him.

The home gym scenario that MIL is referring to is when we had just gotten the home gym and MIL came to check it out. She then asked if she could use it. I was already put out because she had already said “we have a place to work out now”, when SO first mentioned wanting to get a home gym. If you’ve read my last post, you’ll know she does this with EVERYTHING we get or want. And she already made comments about taking our jet ski BEFORE we even picked it up.

Anyway, I digress. When MIL asked to use home gym, I simply didn’t say anything. Partly because I don’t want her to, and also because I wasn’t ready to give an answer when I believe it’s something me and SO should discuss first. She (correctly) took my silence as a “no you can’t use our home gym.”

Now I’m at the point that I want her to know she can’t make snide comments about me to SO and if he’s not going to set boundaries then I will. My question is, how do I approach this? What do I say? I have to tread very carefully or she will twist my words and paint me as the villain to everyone else.

I need to be direct but not inherently rude. Any advice?

TL;DR
MIL always tries to take ownership of our stuff and recently told SO she didn’t want to have to ask me to use the jet ski because I made her feel like she couldn’t use our work out equipment that one time. How can I respond that lets her know, SO tells me everything she says, while also maintaining boundaries regarding our things. Need to be direct without sinking to her passive aggressive pettiness.

First time posting here, so I hope I’m doing this right.

I (F22) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M22) for a year and a half-ish. His mom broke up with her ex-boyfriend in late November last year and since January of this year, my boyfriend and her have been living under the same roof. Prior to that, she lived with her boyfriend in a house while her son (my bf) had his own tiny home on their lot. We would interact sometimes and all 3 of us were on good terms. Of course a mom and a son could fight sometimes, but ever since they started living together things have spiraled. She is making his days worse and it’s not getting any better, but let me take it from the beginning.

My boyfriend decided to move in with his mom after she broke up with her ex and was looking for a new place to live at. The reason was because at the time he was looking for a job, me and him were going through a tougher period and it would be cheaper for him to stay with his mom. It would also mean that they could live in a house and a part of the house could be his. He really likes having a garage and that would also be easier to arrange if he lived with his mom in a house than tried to look for an apartment with a garage with me.

They looked at different houses, but the one she ended up buying was not the one my boyfriend approved. This house does in fact have a garage, but they have a shared entrance and they share one kitchen. His mom also occupied one room upstairs despite saying that everything upstairs is “his part of the house”. My boyfriend was not happy about this, because he repeatedly told her that he did not like this house because of the reasons listed above and some other reasons. She has since claimed that she never heard him disapprove of this house.

Anyway, they had a deal that she would only buy a house if he would pay a rent to her, $500. My bf got a job in March and worked there until they fired him in June because they did not have enough work to do and had too many workers. My bf also does marathon photography on the side, but the bookings are inconsistent so he did not have a stable income during July and August.

Although, the company reached out in August and wanted him back. He agreed and is now working there again. But in our country, you get a monthly salary and you get it the following month. So he will be getting the salary for the days he worked in August by the end of September.

I have had some family issues and out of safety reasons had to stay with them for a while (still am here btw). His mom has consistently nagged that he hasn’t paid his rent for August and that she cannot afford to house 3 people. Mind you, instead of getting a job after the breakup, she decided to start attending a beauty esthetician school that she has to pay for herself. Her plan is to start her own business once she is done with the studies next year. I get the stress, especially considering the fact that I only got some money from social services this month because I am looking for a job and have no savings BUT she will be receiving money from her son soon and I have helped pay for groceries.

Prior to this, his mom was unemployed for 4-5 years because of health reasons. She had cancer a few years ago and had an important surgery over a year ago but has completely healed. She is fully capable of working a job, but she deems herself too good for a job at a grocery store or something of a similar kind. She is living off of her savings and is very dependent on my boyfriend’s income. She has over time started expecting things from him that she should only be expecting from her man.

Not only that, but she is pretty much always complaining about something. She rarely praises him and always finds something negative to point out. My boyfriend has ADHD, takes anti-depressants and he does not function like a normal person. He’s not flawless, I agree with his mom on some things she finds an issue with, but he is not a total mess and is trying his best. I have spent a lot of time here and I kid you not, almost every day of the week I hear her complain about him. It’s always something he didn’t do or did do but it wasn’t okay. She always argues that she is too tired to do things around the house after school, but he has a physically demanding job. Why should he work his ass off like a robot at work and then also do a bunch of things around the house in his free time?

There is so much more I could say about this to give you more in depth imagery of how bad it is, but I’m gonna skip over to the fact that she is starting to take things out on me too now.

They have room for only two cars to be parked outside their house. My boyfriend’s sports car is parked by the house because it has issues with the locks, it draws more attention than his regular car and because he has to fix it. He has been parking his regular car behind the house on another street so that she can have her car parked by the house ever since they moved here. Today, I bought groceries and the bags were heavy, so, my bf parked the car by the house so it would be easier to carry. Most of the food I bought was bought with the intention that all 3 of us could eat it/use it.

She came home from school and almost immediately started arguing with him. She complained that he had both his cars parked by the house. When she felt like she was losing that argument, she switched over to complaining about rent and then all of a sudden I hear her complain about the groceries and that we only bought things for ourselves. I stormed downstairs to defend myself and that I demand respect from her.

I exclaimed that she is unreachable when she is in school because they are strict with the phone usage and that I bought groceries for everyone. Shit, I even bought a specific kind of milk that only she drinks, because I know she likes it! But, no, even though I try my best to follow her house rules and please her the best I can while being here I still get shat on. She also said that this is the first and only time we have ever paid for our groceries here, while that is not true because I have often paid for ingredients for meals and other things myself when I have cooked here for ALL 3 OF US throughout this year.

I’m starting to lose it. I feel bad for my boyfriend, because no matter what he does, his mother always complains and makes him feel bad for something. I don’t remember the last time I heard her say something nice or encouraging to him/about him. Now that I’m staying with them until I move into my own apartment in October she is starting to do the same thing to me and I am not here for it.

WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO?? I don’t want to beef with his mom. We used to have a good relationship. They used to have a good relationship. But now she is treating him as if he was her sugar daddy and slave. It sounds harsh, but if I wrote EVERYTHING this woman has complained about you guys would understand my choice of words completely.

Talking with her is like talking to a wall from what I’ve seen and my boyfriend is having a hard time agreeing on finding a larger apartment so that me and him can live together in peace. I feel lost. What should I/we do?

I’ve posted here a few times before but have since made a new account!! Please don’t share anywhere! I think I’ve been vague enough but just in case.
To put it simply, I have a rocky relationship with my in laws. Messy wedding, ugly holidays, and I’m somehow always the topic of their convos even when I don’t talk to them? We have a cordial relationship where they’re kind to me but also love to put me in my place. Which has turned into incredibly passive aggressive behavior. It’s hard to address because it’s put in such a subtle way usually only I can pick up on it.
I left communicating with them up to my husband pretty much no matter what. My husband sets firm boundaries and they don’t listen to them of course!!! They will do a classic in-law sandwich of crossing your boundary-doing something nice so everyone thinks you’re an ass for being upset your boundary is crossed-move on from said topic to avoid further discussion.
But my husband and I have a good system with each other to where I feel heard and understood by him.
Here’s my current issue, they have discovered our method of not saying ‘yes’ to anything over the phone or in person until we have discussed it. I’m assuming they don’t like that because every time I see them they bombard me with plans for the next day or it’s “when will we see you again?” My in-laws want to set specific days to have plans together which I am 100% opposed to, I don’t want to spend my free time like that thank you very much. I don’t mind seeing them, I just really don’t want to be close like that. Also let me add, it is typically said to me in private because I am the problem child, so it’s incredibly uncomfortable.

How do I respond in a not-so-rude manner when I’m cornered with “so we can make this an every week thing?”

So me (26F) and my financee (26M) have been together since we were 16. Obviously on and off for the first year, we were kids, yada yada. I moved in with him and his mom around that time, and worked full time (35 hrs) a week, and took care of my side of things in the house. She moved out probably not that long after because she met a new man. (This is a common theme) they get married, blah blah. But before that time, and we all lived together, I quickly realized she was not normal. She was majorly bipolar (diagnosed but not medicated) and an alcoholic, AND a narcissist. Triple fucking whammy for me, especially being 16/17. She would randomly kick us out on the streets for upsetting her, she would throw tantrums (and items) if we didn’t do exactly what she said. She would do (seemingly) nice things for us just to throw them back into our faces when we weren’t acting how she wanted. “How dare you this to me, when I’ve done x, y and z for you!” (Meanwhile, we’re just acting like teenagers…) anyway. Things got semi better when she moved out but she still would do that thing, where she would hold every little thing she’s ever done to us over our heads. She would always get super drunk at dinners and go off on us about anything she was upset about that we’ve done. She’s thrown wine in my fiancées face way too many times, slapped him, etc. fortunately for us, she moved to Florida when we were about 20 I think? With that man she married. (And he was not good, either, but that’s a different story…) Great. She was no longer a storm cloud above our heads. Well, my fiancée got the bright idea for us to travel the west coast in an RV, and what better environment to renovate then Florida!?! So we moved there with her with our RV, slowly renovating it, etc. well, when we got there, we found her with ANOTHER man, and we were flabbergasted. We tried to ignore it, got in the shower, and she decided to bust her way in (she’s drunk btw) and she started talking about my fiancées penis!?!?! And we’re both naked in the shower!! And she was accidentally seen me naked before (just comes with living together sometimes) and I was obviously embarrassed at this point and she was like “oh stop, I’ve seen all you before” like, that isn’t the point. Continuing on… she’s having an affair with this man, she tells us not to say anything, and when her husband comes home we have to act normal. Well eventually he finds out (duh) and she makes me and my fiancée empty out his whole closet into their yard in the middle of the night. When we say no, she goes, well you’re staying here, you have to do what I say! So, we did it. It was a shit show. Fast forward, we’re leaving Florida finally (we were there maybe 6 months or less? We wanted the fuck out.) and on our way back home, we crash our newly renovated RV. Yes. It was terrible. It was totaled but somehow we were completely fine. I don’t know how. So we finally get home, do the insurance claim, etc etc and a few months go by and I look at our insurance claim and it says CASHED in HAWAII. I’m freaking out like wtf? Well, she moved to Hawaii with this new man a few months after her divorce in Florida. So, I call her, and I’m freaking out because we are sleeping on my fiancée’s dad’s floor with no money. And she says “oh don’t worry about it, don’t call the insurance company, I’m sure it’s just a glitch.” And, stupidly, I did nothing. I’m not sure at all how she cashed that check because it was in my fiancées name??!! It’s still a mystery. We ended up getting a second check (one was for the RV and one for our truck hauling it) anyway, we just let it go. We travel like we were supposed to because we used that money to renovate a van instead, it was great, blah blah blah. Okay, we’re forward more now. His mom calls and asks if we would like to come live with them in Hawaii and help clean cars for their Turo business. We’re like sure, we’re jobless, we just travelled, let’s go travel to Hawaii. When we get there, they’re both shit faced drunk, and driving. Immediately I’m upset. She’s still the same crazy bitch. (Sorry) whatever. We get back to their home, it’s fine at first, and then she hits us with “S/O is leaving for a new deployment and I need you all to stay and help me with the cars indefinitely until that changes” and we’re like… ok… anyway, they fight constantly. He’s cheating on her with young women, they fight over money problems, blah blah blah. She treats us like slaves, and when we ask her to be paid for our help with the cars, she immediately is like “you get to stay here for free, we have EBT for groceries, you don’t need to be paid more” and we were getting maybe $500 a month or something for the cars? So, we weren’t saving anything. Hawaii is extremely expensive. And like I’ve said before, she’s bipolar and an alcoholic, so she goes through her tantrums constantly, throws things, says awful things, etc etc all the time. I was feeling so stuck and depressed. And my dad calls (he’s older, sick, in a nursing home) and says the doctor says he might die and he feels awful and he misses me. Well, I tell my fiancée, let’s go back home. We need jobs and need to move on with our lives without your mother. And my dad needs me. So, we tell her, we can’t stay, and we need to go back home. SHE FLIPS HER SHIT, screams, says awful things. Says SHES DYING of ALS and how could WE LEAVE HER? I was shocked. Where tf did this come from all of a sudden? Anyway, that didn’t change what needed to happen. So, you can guess what she did! Kicked us out in Hawaii, with nowhere to go, no family or friends, in the most expensive part of the world (probably exaggerated but seriously) we booked ourselves a plane. And a hotel for a few nights until our flight left, and we got out of there. She ended up selling all the cars from Turo and moving with her husband. Which, should’ve happened to begin with, but whatever….. so that concluded us seeing her for a very long time cause they moved to Saudi. So, in 2024 she comes up with the idea that we all should go on vacation together to Europe! And I’m immediately like, no. But my fiancée loves to travel (I do too) but he was on board, saying she can’t possibly be that bad, it’s been years since we’ve seen her, blah blah blah. Okay, whatever. I go with it. And of course, she’s the exact same. And to top it off, we’re stuck with her in a one bed room hotel for 3 weeks. (I wanted to kill myself) and she’s constantly saying nasty things. About how she’d take home that bartender, that server, etc if we weren’t there! “Mommy likes him” and shit like that. Pukes. My poor financee is so used to her behavior like this, he just cringes and moves on. Well, I’m very unhappy. My life is so much better without her in it. 2 weeks in, and she starts saying things like about when we have kids. “I’m not calling them by their name, the first one I’m going to call Fox.” Why?? ??? “You better not breast feed when they get teeth. You’re just doing it for yourself then.” Wtf does that even mean? In the third week, we’re in Italy and at dinner and she loses her shit. I knew it was coming. She was very irritable that day. She had yelled in my face about the cab being late and we’re going to miss our flight, like I have any control about that. Anyway, she loses her shit at dinner. For the first time, I yell back. I’m so sick of this behavior and patterns. We get into a fight, and she storms off, and my fiancée stays with me, and he’s like “she’ll never let me forget I didn’t chase after her” and I’m like WHO CARES???? This is so fucking ridiculous. When we get back to the hotel, she’s waiting for us and I retreat to my room (we finally have a hotel where there’s separate rooms) and I hear her telling him that I’m ungrateful, I never get her Mother’s Day gifts, etc etc. mind you, the entire time she’s known me, she’s belittled me, made fun of me, and done shit like this. I don’t like her. Period. Not as a person, not as a mother, nope. Can’t stand her. Eventually she says she’s getting a flight back home to Saudi (thank god) and she leaves within a day or 2. I am, so so relieved. And I go very very low contact. I block her on social media. She loves to send her son money now and then (I’m sure to throw in his face later on) and she tried to do the same to me but my Apple Pay doesn’t work. I blocked her after that, because I want nothing from her. We don’t see her for 2 years. She moved back to the US, I’m not sure where, but not our state. I’m 29 weeks pregnant now, and I told my fiancée, do not tell her. She will absolutely ruin my pregnancy, and not to mention, our kids life. I don’t want her anywhere around our kids. At all. I don’t care if he wants a relationship with her, but me and my babies will not. Period. She tells him she’s visiting next week and she wants to go flying with him (he’s a newly hired CFI) and wants to do dinner. Great, I tell him, but do not bring her around me or our home. (We own our home) and I have her blocked. But I do not want to see her, I don’t want her to know I’m pregnant, and I just wish she would stay on her side of the world away from me, forever. That’s my rant. Sorry this was so long, and I’ve left out a lot but this was the gist. And I’m trying not to stress about her being in the same city as us but I am a little.

We recently traveled out of state and stayed with my in-laws for a big family event they chose to host. They have a large 8-bedroom home, and in our culture it’s completely normal for visiting family to stay together, so my parents and brother were staying there too.

MIL made it very clear this was a party for her family — my parents weren’t co-hosts or involved in the guest list. A day or two beforehand, everyone staying in the house was basically told they’d be expected to help.

My dad was dealing with a bad back for most of the visit, had to visit a massage and chiropractor, and my mom actually got injured the day of the party and couldn’t really help.

Afterward, while my brother was alone with my in-laws waiting to leave, MIL and FIL repeatedly started criticizing my dad to him. They began calling him lazy and saying he doesn’t do anything. It happened enough times that my brother finally said, “What do you want me to say here?” because…that’s literally his father they’re talking about.
When he told me afterward, he said it was nice they let him crash there but that my MIL really needs to learn to learn when to shut up and understand her audience.

I’m furious, but this is also coming after a visit where I already felt very disrespected by MIL when it came to parenting my 5-month-old. She repeatedly disregarded his schedule, bedtime and my concerns about him being overstimulated. I felt like what she wanted to do with the baby mattered more than what I, his mother, was saying he needed. I lost complete control of being his mom and now I’m dealing with a congested baby with a bad cough, I feel awful for not being more firm.

Now add the comments about my dad to my own brother, and I genuinely don’t know how I want to navigate this relationship moving forward. We are supposed to visit at Christmas and I really don’t want to.

My husband doesn’t know about the conversation with my brother yet. I’m going to tell him at the right time, and expect him to deal with his parents because I don’t want to confront MIL myself. She is going to say ya it was a joke or how she just tells the truth even if it hurts 🙄. But my parents would go to my husbands brother and continually tell him how awful his parents are. I don’t think anyone with common sense would do this??

How would you handle the relationship from here? Am I justified in seriously pulling back?

After over 5 years of NC following my JNMIL gossiping about me and my not pretending that everything was fine and rugsweeping after a coffee meeting with her and FIL earlier this year, I got the following "apology" from my MIL:

I was hoping after our last meeting we could put the past behind us and draw a line under it, with that in mind, I want to apologize for speaking about yours and (my SO)'s relationship outside of the family. I was wrong, going forward I would hope for us to have a family unit relationship.

Currently 5 months pregnant (she apologised before we got pregnant) and not sure how or if I want to move forward with a relationship with her. Seen her 2x since and I have grey rocked and basically ignored her because I cant trust her as far as I can throw her. And if she thinks shes getting special treatment with the baby then shes sorely mistaken.

People that have gone through similar dynamics of contact after NC, did you navigate it?

EDIT: I don’t want people’s opinions on if I should tell my ILs I’m pregnant. I’m looking to hear from people who have had their ILs say they want reconciliation but then do nothing to facilitate the reconciliation.

It has been almost 6 months since I have seen my MIL and FIL since MIL betrayed me for the last time. From my past posts, you’ll see she dove into the role of victim by creating mass panic about her memory and claiming she has dementia. She was magically cleared of signs of memory loss and dementia the next day by a nurse.

I’m glad I’ve had a big break from my in laws like I needed after being betrayed so many times, but I never expected them to essentially give up on my DH and LO like they have. I really thought they would just avoid me.

My DH has called his Dad twice over the past few months. The first time was on Father’s Day and they talked about our fallout and FIL blamed me for being unforgiving. I have been more than forgiving and given them too many chances to count. The second call was last week. DH texted FIL and asked why MIL has not tried to reconcile with us. They had a call and FIL came back to the MIL memory loss claim. DH didn’t accept his reasoning again.

I’m just so confused because on the calls with FIL, FIL will say things like “we want to reconcile with you”, “what do we have to say to fix things”, “we miss you and want to see you”. But then after these calls, we do not hear from either of them and months pass. Eventually my DH contacts them for a birthday or something and the same thing happens.

I’m not sure what I want out of posting this. Kind of just a rant. I’m near the end of my first trimester and DH is going to be texting his parents in about a month to just blandly share the news. I’m trying so hard to make nothing in this pregnancy about them. I just would hate for them to use our announcement as a foot in the door to reconcile.

We are definitely going to tell them because we just want them to be aware, but they’re not going to be knowing any details other than I’m due next year and probably the gender. We will also be telling them only just before the rest of the world, so it’s completely different to my first pregnancy where they were the first to know early and they got all the details through each step of the way.

Ugh

Okay I admit this is petty on my part.

My MIL will only address mail sent to me as “Mrs. DH First Name Last Name.”

Like if my husband’s name was John Smith, she addresses me as “Mrs. John Smith.”

What is this, 1950?! I don’t get my own first OR last name?!

So as revenge I refer to myself as Dr. My First & Last name. (I have a doctorate lol.)

My husband and I have a long history of arguments with his mother. Some were small, some were bigger, but this one broke something in me.

Like many stereotypical MILs, she constantly gives advice nobody asked for. She helps even when you don't ask her to, and then, if something doesn't go the way she imagined, she pulls the "after all I've done for you" card.

She visited us three weeks ago for our wedding. During the first two days, my husband spent a lot of time helping her with her own problems. He went to the bank with her to unblock her account, added a new phone number to his phone plan because she needed one, and generally took care of everything she asked for.

Then another argument happened.

According to her, the reason was that she felt "unwelcome" in our home because my husband asked her about her plans too many times. We genuinely didn't know how long she planned to stay with us, and we had wedding preparations, appointments, and meetings scheduled. I asked my husband to tell her that I'd prefer to do the cooking and preparations alone because she tends to comment on everything I do, and I wanted some peace of mind before the wedding.

That made her absolutely furious.

After giving us the silent treatment, she handed us our wedding gift a week before the wedding. We tried to talk things through, but she had no interest in hearing our side. She packed her bags, told us she'd never set foot in our house again, and left to stay with her other son.

She argued with him too. The very next night she ended up in a hotel because he told her that if she couldn't respect his boundaries, she couldn't stay at his place.

On our wedding day, she wore the same color as me.

It was a small civil ceremony. I wore an elegant white/ecru vest with matching trousers, and she'd seen my outfit beforehand. She showed up wearing an almost identical ecru outfit: blouse and trousers. I brushed it off because I didn't want drama on my wedding day.

A few days later, we were invited to her place for my BIL's birthday. Everything seemed fine. We came home happy, except for our dog, who got attacked by a cat she never told us would be there.

Then Monday happened.

At 4 p.m., my husband got a text saying, "Today is your brother's birthday, you probably forgot," followed by, "I'll be leaving next Wednesday. Let me know if you want to meet for coffee or dinner."

He replied, "Sure, thanks."

We hadn't decided on a day yet. Apparently, that meant "no" to her.

She immediately started sending passive-aggressive messages: "Son, I don't know why you are the way you are," and similar texts. It went on for six hours, from 4 p.m. until almost 10 p.m.

But here's what crossed every line for me.

That same evening, while sending my husband hateful messages, she created a Messenger group with her current husband just to tell us how disappointed she was in us.

Then she called my mother.

My grandfather had died that Saturday. My mom was grieving, planning a funeral, and barely had time to process everything. Instead of offering condolences and leaving it at that, my MIL started talking about us behind our backs, crying, and making my mother comfort her.

My sister told me about the call. I spoke to my husband, and he asked his mother not to involve someone who had just lost her father in our private family issues.

This morning, my mother received a text from my MIL saying she "can't trust" my mother anymore (they've never even been close friends) because my mother supposedly shared things with us. She even sent screenshots of her conversation with my husband.

My sister admitted she was the one who told me what happened. My mom told my sister she wasn't angry, but she has work, a funeral to attend, and wants absolutely nothing to do with this drama.

The final irony?

My MIL has been no-contact with both her own mother and her own sister for years, yet she's always lectured everyone about how "family is everything."

Yesterday, my husband decided to go no-contact with her.

I'm done too. I genuinely hope this is the beginning of a much more peaceful life without all this toxicity.

I need some reassurance, or perhaps to be set straight. 

My husband (32M) and I (32F) have been married for 4 years, together for 11. We have many common interests and we loved each other a lot. I have had a difficult time fitting in with his family since the beginning. It is especially challenging with MIL. From early on, she created a feeling of "competition" between us, which I was not interested in participating in. Rude comments, criticism, inappropriate remarks, excluding me from conversations or blatantly ignoring my presence. I expressed to DH that it was difficult for me to spend time with her and he would insist that I was taking things the wrong way or that she didn't mean it, or that she's like that towards everyone, it's not personal, etc. It was especially awful leading up to our wedding, after which I told him I needed to take a break from seeing her for a few months, and he said that was unacceptable. 

I thought things would feel different after we got married. I thought it would feel more like him and I were family, like we were a team. I struggled a lot our first year of marriage, and then just started telling myself to ignore her comments and behavior and focus on myself and on him. 

But the dynamic was making me deeply unhappy. I tried everything I could think of to focus on my own happiness, I tried distracting myself with my hobbies, I strengthened my friendships, but I still felt generally alone in my marriage. 

A year and a half ago, I told him I was unhappy and I was leaving. He begged me not to. He said he would do counseling (which he had declined prior to getting married even though I thought that would be a good idea). I ended up moving out, but I was back and forth between my own apartment and his (which we rented from his parents, btw, which added to the challenging dynamic over the years). We tried counseling. We tried to talk to his mom, and she said she was "sorry I felt that way" but that she didn't do anything wrong and never intended to be hurtful, and I'm the only person who seems to have this problem with her, etc. And she said she was very hurt that I would even accuse her of being malicious. After that talk, which to me didn't feel like it really resolved anything, DH acted like things were fixed. I was expected to go back to spending time with her. Then, on top of all that, his sister hosted a dinner at her house for his birthday and when he told her that I would be coming too, she said they were not comfortable with me being there. It just felt like I was expected to manage a lot of repair, and that I was living on the outside of his life. He would say "why aren't we past this yet?" and "can't we just let it go?"

Anyway, shortly after that I left "for good" and we have been living separately for about 6 months. And it is excruciatingly painful. I constantly feel like I made the wrong choice, like I was selfish for wanting him to show up for me differently, like I did misunderstand his mom's / family's comments and actions. I feel like I would do anything to go back home and get my life back to "normal". I could ignore stuff his mom says, or remind myself that she doesn't mean anything negative. I don't know what to do, and now I feel like I have done so much harm to DH and his family that I'm not even sure if repair is possible. 

Never posted before, but unsure how to go forward with MIL in the future.

For preface, my husband is the oldest of four and the only male. He has, in the past, referenced that his mother's closeness to him is in part due to her brother who passed away years ago. We have been married for a couple of years now.

There are some things that his family does which makes me really uncomfortable, specifically, my MIL and her treatment of him. My family was never very physically affectionate, I was left alone for most of my childhood, so I am very averse to touching most people. As such, I have little to no reference for how normal families ought to act with each other.

My MIL seems to have made it a norm to slap and grab my husband's ass (even as a teenager). To the point where his little sisters will slap his ass laughing. But she'll also grab his chest and massage him, and make him give her massages.

I have heard from my husband that when we got married, my MIL felt as though I was taking him from her.

The worst came a year or so ago during a holiday, as she started threatening to beat him up in front of everyone while in OUR house. This was due to a small miscommunication because both me and him were in a serious discussion and his grandmother tried to enter the room. We were talking about issues in the relationship so he told her to wait outside for a minute, and i guess his MIL was pissed he made his grandmother sad. She burst in our bedroom and started shouting at us, and threatened my husband. He's gotten a bit better sense, but at the time he had no sense of boundaries with her and caved immediately. I told him after how it felt disrespectful and rude that she would command him around while under our roof, saying that he needs to communicate that he isn't a child anymore and can make his own decisions.

The relevance of this example comes from the fact that we have recent moved closer to his family in his hometown, as he missed a lot of his sisters development while being in the military and wanted to be closer.

My husband wants me to become closer to my MIL and get along with her, as I have kept an arms length after the holiday situation. I have met people who will twist anything I tell them and turn it around to misrepresent my character. She very protective of her son and thinks of anything that may interfere with him as purposely malevolent. So I am wanting to avoid unnecessary conflicts with his mother at all possible.

I have told him before that her touching him like that makes me uncomfortable. Especially once when we were in private and I apparently did something that he said was along the lines of "your like my mom" and I immediately told him to not compare me to his mother when I'm his wife, because that's weird.

I'm worried that now that we are within driving distance that we will struggle with the boundaries that were easier due to the distance. I want to protect myself and my husband from needless conflict, but I don't know when it may become "too far gone" in a sense. I have heard horror stories of MILs obsessed with their sons, and I am uncomfortable navigating this inter family issue while still trying to be as respectful as possible. I usually just stay quiet, but I'm trying to not be a doormat anymore.