My husband and I have a long history of arguments with his mother. Some were small, some were bigger, but this one broke something in me.

Like many stereotypical MILs, she constantly gives advice nobody asked for. She helps even when you don't ask her to, and then, if something doesn't go the way she imagined, she pulls the "after all I've done for you" card.

She visited us three weeks ago for our wedding. During the first two days, my husband spent a lot of time helping her with her own problems. He went to the bank with her to unblock her account, added a new phone number to his phone plan because she needed one, and generally took care of everything she asked for.

Then another argument happened.

According to her, the reason was that she felt "unwelcome" in our home because my husband asked her about her plans too many times. We genuinely didn't know how long she planned to stay with us, and we had wedding preparations, appointments, and meetings scheduled. I asked my husband to tell her that I'd prefer to do the cooking and preparations alone because she tends to comment on everything I do, and I wanted some peace of mind before the wedding.

That made her absolutely furious.

After giving us the silent treatment, she handed us our wedding gift a week before the wedding. We tried to talk things through, but she had no interest in hearing our side. She packed her bags, told us she'd never set foot in our house again, and left to stay with her other son.

She argued with him too. The very next night she ended up in a hotel because he told her that if she couldn't respect his boundaries, she couldn't stay at his place.

On our wedding day, she wore the same color as me.

It was a small civil ceremony. I wore an elegant white/ecru vest with matching trousers, and she'd seen my outfit beforehand. She showed up wearing an almost identical ecru outfit: blouse and trousers. I brushed it off because I didn't want drama on my wedding day.

A few days later, we were invited to her place for my BIL's birthday. Everything seemed fine. We came home happy, except for our dog, who got attacked by a cat she never told us would be there.

Then Monday happened.

At 4 p.m., my husband got a text saying, "Today is your brother's birthday, you probably forgot," followed by, "I'll be leaving next Wednesday. Let me know if you want to meet for coffee or dinner."

He replied, "Sure, thanks."

We hadn't decided on a day yet. Apparently, that meant "no" to her.

She immediately started sending passive-aggressive messages: "Son, I don't know why you are the way you are," and similar texts. It went on for six hours, from 4 p.m. until almost 10 p.m.

But here's what crossed every line for me.

That same evening, while sending my husband hateful messages, she created a Messenger group with her current husband just to tell us how disappointed she was in us.

Then she called my mother.

My grandfather had died that Saturday. My mom was grieving, planning a funeral, and barely had time to process everything. Instead of offering condolences and leaving it at that, my MIL started talking about us behind our backs, crying, and making my mother comfort her.

My sister told me about the call. I spoke to my husband, and he asked his mother not to involve someone who had just lost her father in our private family issues.

This morning, my mother received a text from my MIL saying she "can't trust" my mother anymore (they've never even been close friends) because my mother supposedly shared things with us. She even sent screenshots of her conversation with my husband.

My sister admitted she was the one who told me what happened. My mom told my sister she wasn't angry, but she has work, a funeral to attend, and wants absolutely nothing to do with this drama.

The final irony?

My MIL has been no-contact with both her own mother and her own sister for years, yet she's always lectured everyone about how "family is everything."

Yesterday, my husband decided to go no-contact with her.

I'm done too. I genuinely hope this is the beginning of a much more peaceful life without all this toxicity.

After over 5 years of NC following my JNMIL gossiping about me and my not pretending that everything was fine and rugsweeping after a coffee meeting with her and FIL earlier this year, I got the following "apology" from my MIL:

I was hoping after our last meeting we could put the past behind us and draw a line under it, with that in mind, I want to apologize for speaking about yours and (my SO)'s relationship outside of the family. I was wrong, going forward I would hope for us to have a family unit relationship.

Currently 5 months pregnant (she apologised before we got pregnant) and not sure how or if I want to move forward with a relationship with her. Seen her 2x since and I have grey rocked and basically ignored her because I cant trust her as far as I can throw her. And if she thinks shes getting special treatment with the baby then shes sorely mistaken.

People that have gone through similar dynamics of contact after NC, did you navigate it?

Okay I admit this is petty on my part.

My MIL will only address mail sent to me as “Mrs. DH First Name Last Name.”

Like if my husband’s name was John Smith, she addresses me as “Mrs. John Smith.”

What is this, 1950?! I don’t get my own first OR last name?!

So as revenge I refer to myself as Dr. My First & Last name. (I have a doctorate lol.)

Edit: wow guys there’s a lot of info I didn’t add here because I wasn’t trying to shore up my own defense. I didn’t think I needed to in this space :) and for brevity’s sake! But since it’s been called out, I will clarify:

Yes, it’s MIL lake house. She lets us use it on a very conditional basis as in she has to be present and we need to ask her permission. There is no unlimited access to her lakehouse. We have to jump through hoops to use it and walk on eggshells when we are there :) this is the ironic part since she wants to use our things without asking permission and without us being present.

The jet ski stays in our garage! Not at her lakehouse. And logistically there is no where to even put it at the lake house. It’ll stay in the water until we leave.

Most importantly, we offered her to use the jet ski! It’s right there in the post! She declined but waited until I was gone to make a complaint about having to ask to use it and brought up other instances of having to ask permission. She likes to assume ownership of our things, which I’m sure can be a frustration for most people.

Lastly, I’ve reflected while writing this and it became abundantly clear that this is an SO problem and his answer left me wide open for a negative response from MIL. It’s HIS job to set the boundaries with HIS mother.

I have no one to talk about this stuff with so maybe it was just a vent :)

ORIGINAL POST:

It’s me again. I really appreciated all the advice on my last post, If you recall, it was about my MIL always taking ownership of the new things me and SO obtain, ie, jet ski, home gym, etc. It’s in my history if anyone cares to take a gander.

MIL made a comment about me to SO that I believe is now requiring me to say something to MIL.

This past weekend me and SO took our kids to the lake so we could break in the new jet ski.

MIL is coming up too because she needs to switch some mattresses around in one of the rooms. I think it was just a case of fomo, but it’s her lakehouse so whatever. And she was very kind to watch the kids when they didn’t want to ride the jet ski anymore so me and SO could take it out together. The OG plan was for me and SO to take turns.

Anyway. We had asked her if she wanted to take it out to which she declined due to her back acting up. However while I was out riding it, SO was back at the house finishing up some work. MIL told him she now wanted to ride it.

Now this is the part of the story I’m unclear on because I wasn’t there, but somehow it was questioned how it’ll work regarding permission to ride the jet ski. Idk why, but SO told her when she wants to ride it to ask me. Not sure why he would say that. Especially since we agreed that when someone wants to ride it, we talk it over with each other and decide. SO keeps saying he bought the thing for me and wants it to be mine. So maybe that was his rationale. Idk, but I already told him how it seems like a cop out for not wanting to set boundaries himself. He will not be doing this going forward.

However, it’s MIL’s response that brings me here.

SO told me that she said “I’m not asking DIL, she made me feel like I couldn’t use the home gym.”

He’s bad at remembering details so that’s as much as I got out of him. He said he didn’t respond bc the baby woke up and he went to go get him.

The home gym scenario that MIL is referring to is when we had just gotten the home gym and MIL came to check it out. She then asked if she could use it. I was already put out because she had already said “we have a place to work out now”, when SO first mentioned wanting to get a home gym. If you’ve read my last post, you’ll know she does this with EVERYTHING we get or want. And she already made comments about taking our jet ski BEFORE we even picked it up.

Anyway, I digress. When MIL asked to use home gym, I simply didn’t say anything. Partly because I don’t want her to, and also because I wasn’t ready to give an answer when I believe it’s something me and SO should discuss first. She (correctly) took my silence as a “no you can’t use our home gym.”

Now I’m at the point that I want her to know she can’t make snide comments about me to SO and if he’s not going to set boundaries then I will. My question is, how do I approach this? What do I say? I have to tread very carefully or she will twist my words and paint me as the villain to everyone else.

I need to be direct but not inherently rude. Any advice?

TL;DR
MIL always tries to take ownership of our stuff and recently told SO she didn’t want to have to ask me to use the jet ski because I made her feel like she couldn’t use our work out equipment that one time. How can I respond that lets her know, SO tells me everything she says, while also maintaining boundaries regarding our things. Need to be direct without sinking to her passive aggressive pettiness.

We recently traveled out of state and stayed with my in-laws for a big family event they chose to host. They have a large 8-bedroom home, and in our culture it’s completely normal for visiting family to stay together, so my parents and brother were staying there too.

MIL made it very clear this was a party for her family — my parents weren’t co-hosts or involved in the guest list. A day or two beforehand, everyone staying in the house was basically told they’d be expected to help.

My dad was dealing with a bad back for most of the visit, had to visit a massage and chiropractor, and my mom actually got injured the day of the party and couldn’t really help.

Afterward, while my brother was alone with my in-laws waiting to leave, MIL and FIL repeatedly started criticizing my dad to him. They began calling him lazy and saying he doesn’t do anything. It happened enough times that my brother finally said, “What do you want me to say here?” because…that’s literally his father they’re talking about.
When he told me afterward, he said it was nice they let him crash there but that my MIL really needs to learn to learn when to shut up and understand her audience.

I’m furious, but this is also coming after a visit where I already felt very disrespected by MIL when it came to parenting my 5-month-old. She repeatedly disregarded his schedule, bedtime and my concerns about him being overstimulated. I felt like what she wanted to do with the baby mattered more than what I, his mother, was saying he needed. I lost complete control of being his mom and now I’m dealing with a congested baby with a bad cough, I feel awful for not being more firm.

Now add the comments about my dad to my own brother, and I genuinely don’t know how I want to navigate this relationship moving forward. We are supposed to visit at Christmas and I really don’t want to.

My husband doesn’t know about the conversation with my brother yet. I’m going to tell him at the right time, and expect him to deal with his parents because I don’t want to confront MIL myself. She is going to say ya it was a joke or how she just tells the truth even if it hurts 🙄. But my parents would go to my husbands brother and continually tell him how awful his parents are. I don’t think anyone with common sense would do this??

How would you handle the relationship from here? Am I justified in seriously pulling back?

I need some reassurance, or perhaps to be set straight. 

My husband (32M) and I (32F) have been married for 4 years, together for 11. We have many common interests and we loved each other a lot. I have had a difficult time fitting in with his family since the beginning. It is especially challenging with MIL. From early on, she created a feeling of "competition" between us, which I was not interested in participating in. Rude comments, criticism, inappropriate remarks, excluding me from conversations or blatantly ignoring my presence. I expressed to DH that it was difficult for me to spend time with her and he would insist that I was taking things the wrong way or that she didn't mean it, or that she's like that towards everyone, it's not personal, etc. It was especially awful leading up to our wedding, after which I told him I needed to take a break from seeing her for a few months, and he said that was unacceptable. 

I thought things would feel different after we got married. I thought it would feel more like him and I were family, like we were a team. I struggled a lot our first year of marriage, and then just started telling myself to ignore her comments and behavior and focus on myself and on him. 

But the dynamic was making me deeply unhappy. I tried everything I could think of to focus on my own happiness, I tried distracting myself with my hobbies, I strengthened my friendships, but I still felt generally alone in my marriage. 

A year and a half ago, I told him I was unhappy and I was leaving. He begged me not to. He said he would do counseling (which he had declined prior to getting married even though I thought that would be a good idea). I ended up moving out, but I was back and forth between my own apartment and his (which we rented from his parents, btw, which added to the challenging dynamic over the years). We tried counseling. We tried to talk to his mom, and she said she was "sorry I felt that way" but that she didn't do anything wrong and never intended to be hurtful, and I'm the only person who seems to have this problem with her, etc. And she said she was very hurt that I would even accuse her of being malicious. After that talk, which to me didn't feel like it really resolved anything, DH acted like things were fixed. I was expected to go back to spending time with her. Then, on top of all that, his sister hosted a dinner at her house for his birthday and when he told her that I would be coming too, she said they were not comfortable with me being there. It just felt like I was expected to manage a lot of repair, and that I was living on the outside of his life. He would say "why aren't we past this yet?" and "can't we just let it go?"

Anyway, shortly after that I left "for good" and we have been living separately for about 6 months. And it is excruciatingly painful. I constantly feel like I made the wrong choice, like I was selfish for wanting him to show up for me differently, like I did misunderstand his mom's / family's comments and actions. I feel like I would do anything to go back home and get my life back to "normal". I could ignore stuff his mom says, or remind myself that she doesn't mean anything negative. I don't know what to do, and now I feel like I have done so much harm to DH and his family that I'm not even sure if repair is possible. 

I’m sure it’s jealousy and the only reason she knows about the vacation is we are missing bil’s birthday dinner but damn, every time.

She calls dh and is like, wow, I see your wife is dragging you on another vacation. She sure likes to spend your money on vacations.

Let’s be clear. We both work and contribute equally to the household expenses. I am not dragging dh against his will. I hate how she uses the word dragging. Wow, poor guy, a fully planned trip to Iceland that he’s excited for and has done 0 work on besides packing a suitcase. He should just divorce me, planning these things with special touches he likes where he just has to show up.

He ignores her comments or tells her I’m excited to go and doesn’t go into the money piece because she will just pry, or screens her calls. He doesn’t send pictures and I have her blocked so she can’t see them but the cousins are always talking about the vacation pics when we see them so that brings me joy that she’s left out lol

But damn lady, just go be miserable quietly. I’m going to the spa and to look at waterfalls with my cute hubby.

I’ve posted here a few times before but have since made a new account!! Please don’t share anywhere! I think I’ve been vague enough but just in case.
To put it simply, I have a rocky relationship with my in laws. Messy wedding, ugly holidays, and I’m somehow always the topic of their convos even when I don’t talk to them? We have a cordial relationship where they’re kind to me but also love to put me in my place. Which has turned into incredibly passive aggressive behavior. It’s hard to address because it’s put in such a subtle way usually only I can pick up on it.
I left communicating with them up to my husband pretty much no matter what. My husband sets firm boundaries and they don’t listen to them of course!!! They will do a classic in-law sandwich of crossing your boundary-doing something nice so everyone thinks you’re an ass for being upset your boundary is crossed-move on from said topic to avoid further discussion.
But my husband and I have a good system with each other to where I feel heard and understood by him.
Here’s my current issue, they have discovered our method of not saying ‘yes’ to anything over the phone or in person until we have discussed it. I’m assuming they don’t like that because every time I see them they bombard me with plans for the next day or it’s “when will we see you again?” My in-laws want to set specific days to have plans together which I am 100% opposed to, I don’t want to spend my free time like that thank you very much. I don’t mind seeing them, I just really don’t want to be close like that. Also let me add, it is typically said to me in private because I am the problem child, so it’s incredibly uncomfortable.

How do I respond in a not-so-rude manner when I’m cornered with “so we can make this an every week thing?”

Never posted before, but unsure how to go forward with MIL in the future.

For preface, my husband is the oldest of four and the only male. He has, in the past, referenced that his mother's closeness to him is in part due to her brother who passed away years ago. We have been married for a couple of years now.

There are some things that his family does which makes me really uncomfortable, specifically, my MIL and her treatment of him. My family was never very physically affectionate, I was left alone for most of my childhood, so I am very averse to touching most people. As such, I have little to no reference for how normal families ought to act with each other.

My MIL seems to have made it a norm to slap and grab my husband's ass (even as a teenager). To the point where his little sisters will slap his ass laughing. But she'll also grab his chest and massage him, and make him give her massages.

I have heard from my husband that when we got married, my MIL felt as though I was taking him from her.

The worst came a year or so ago during a holiday, as she started threatening to beat him up in front of everyone while in OUR house. This was due to a small miscommunication because both me and him were in a serious discussion and his grandmother tried to enter the room. We were talking about issues in the relationship so he told her to wait outside for a minute, and i guess his MIL was pissed he made his grandmother sad. She burst in our bedroom and started shouting at us, and threatened my husband. He's gotten a bit better sense, but at the time he had no sense of boundaries with her and caved immediately. I told him after how it felt disrespectful and rude that she would command him around while under our roof, saying that he needs to communicate that he isn't a child anymore and can make his own decisions.

The relevance of this example comes from the fact that we have recent moved closer to his family in his hometown, as he missed a lot of his sisters development while being in the military and wanted to be closer.

My husband wants me to become closer to my MIL and get along with her, as I have kept an arms length after the holiday situation. I have met people who will twist anything I tell them and turn it around to misrepresent my character. She very protective of her son and thinks of anything that may interfere with him as purposely malevolent. So I am wanting to avoid unnecessary conflicts with his mother at all possible.

I have told him before that her touching him like that makes me uncomfortable. Especially once when we were in private and I apparently did something that he said was along the lines of "your like my mom" and I immediately told him to not compare me to his mother when I'm his wife, because that's weird.

I'm worried that now that we are within driving distance that we will struggle with the boundaries that were easier due to the distance. I want to protect myself and my husband from needless conflict, but I don't know when it may become "too far gone" in a sense. I have heard horror stories of MILs obsessed with their sons, and I am uncomfortable navigating this inter family issue while still trying to be as respectful as possible. I usually just stay quiet, but I'm trying to not be a doormat anymore.

First time posting here, so I hope I’m doing this right.

I (F22) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (M22) for a year and a half-ish. His mom broke up with her ex-boyfriend in late November last year and since January of this year, my boyfriend and her have been living under the same roof. Prior to that, she lived with her boyfriend in a house while her son (my bf) had his own tiny home on their lot. We would interact sometimes and all 3 of us were on good terms. Of course a mom and a son could fight sometimes, but ever since they started living together things have spiraled. She is making his days worse and it’s not getting any better, but let me take it from the beginning.

My boyfriend decided to move in with his mom after she broke up with her ex and was looking for a new place to live at. The reason was because at the time he was looking for a job, me and him were going through a tougher period and it would be cheaper for him to stay with his mom. It would also mean that they could live in a house and a part of the house could be his. He really likes having a garage and that would also be easier to arrange if he lived with his mom in a house than tried to look for an apartment with a garage with me.

They looked at different houses, but the one she ended up buying was not the one my boyfriend approved. This house does in fact have a garage, but they have a shared entrance and they share one kitchen. His mom also occupied one room upstairs despite saying that everything upstairs is “his part of the house”. My boyfriend was not happy about this, because he repeatedly told her that he did not like this house because of the reasons listed above and some other reasons. She has since claimed that she never heard him disapprove of this house.

Anyway, they had a deal that she would only buy a house if he would pay a rent to her, $500. My bf got a job in March and worked there until they fired him in June because they did not have enough work to do and had too many workers. My bf also does marathon photography on the side, but the bookings are inconsistent so he did not have a stable income during July and August.

Although, the company reached out in August and wanted him back. He agreed and is now working there again. But in our country, you get a monthly salary and you get it the following month. So he will be getting the salary for the days he worked in August by the end of September.

I have had some family issues and out of safety reasons had to stay with them for a while (still am here btw). His mom has consistently nagged that he hasn’t paid his rent for August and that she cannot afford to house 3 people. Mind you, instead of getting a job after the breakup, she decided to start attending a beauty esthetician school that she has to pay for herself. Her plan is to start her own business once she is done with the studies next year. I get the stress, especially considering the fact that I only got some money from social services this month because I am looking for a job and have no savings BUT she will be receiving money from her son soon and I have helped pay for groceries.

Prior to this, his mom was unemployed for 4-5 years because of health reasons. She had cancer a few years ago and had an important surgery over a year ago but has completely healed. She is fully capable of working a job, but she deems herself too good for a job at a grocery store or something of a similar kind. She is living off of her savings and is very dependent on my boyfriend’s income. She has over time started expecting things from him that she should only be expecting from her man.

Not only that, but she is pretty much always complaining about something. She rarely praises him and always finds something negative to point out. My boyfriend has ADHD, takes anti-depressants and he does not function like a normal person. He’s not flawless, I agree with his mom on some things she finds an issue with, but he is not a total mess and is trying his best. I have spent a lot of time here and I kid you not, almost every day of the week I hear her complain about him. It’s always something he didn’t do or did do but it wasn’t okay. She always argues that she is too tired to do things around the house after school, but he has a physically demanding job. Why should he work his ass off like a robot at work and then also do a bunch of things around the house in his free time?

There is so much more I could say about this to give you more in depth imagery of how bad it is, but I’m gonna skip over to the fact that she is starting to take things out on me too now.

They have room for only two cars to be parked outside their house. My boyfriend’s sports car is parked by the house because it has issues with the locks, it draws more attention than his regular car and because he has to fix it. He has been parking his regular car behind the house on another street so that she can have her car parked by the house ever since they moved here. Today, I bought groceries and the bags were heavy, so, my bf parked the car by the house so it would be easier to carry. Most of the food I bought was bought with the intention that all 3 of us could eat it/use it.

She came home from school and almost immediately started arguing with him. She complained that he had both his cars parked by the house. When she felt like she was losing that argument, she switched over to complaining about rent and then all of a sudden I hear her complain about the groceries and that we only bought things for ourselves. I stormed downstairs to defend myself and that I demand respect from her.

I exclaimed that she is unreachable when she is in school because they are strict with the phone usage and that I bought groceries for everyone. Shit, I even bought a specific kind of milk that only she drinks, because I know she likes it! But, no, even though I try my best to follow her house rules and please her the best I can while being here I still get shat on. She also said that this is the first and only time we have ever paid for our groceries here, while that is not true because I have often paid for ingredients for meals and other things myself when I have cooked here for ALL 3 OF US throughout this year.

I’m starting to lose it. I feel bad for my boyfriend, because no matter what he does, his mother always complains and makes him feel bad for something. I don’t remember the last time I heard her say something nice or encouraging to him/about him. Now that I’m staying with them until I move into my own apartment in October she is starting to do the same thing to me and I am not here for it.

WHAT THE HELL SHOULD I DO?? I don’t want to beef with his mom. We used to have a good relationship. They used to have a good relationship. But now she is treating him as if he was her sugar daddy and slave. It sounds harsh, but if I wrote EVERYTHING this woman has complained about you guys would understand my choice of words completely.

Talking with her is like talking to a wall from what I’ve seen and my boyfriend is having a hard time agreeing on finding a larger apartment so that me and him can live together in peace. I feel lost. What should I/we do?

This is a continuation of my last post because I did finally sit down and talk about the wedding situation with DH and get his perspective. If you want the exact context of what happened at the wedding, please read my last post.

Yes, it's long, and yes, this one is probably going to be long too. Apparently I have to put a disclaimer because there are people who can't handle more than 30 seconds of content after being on social media for so long lol. Sorry, but sometimes details matter, especially when people will fill in the blanks themselves if you don't give them.

Anyway.

Like always, DH's first instinct after something uncomfortable happens with his family is basically to forget about it and move on.

And I'm like, no.

If you want me attending YOUR family events, then situations like this HAVE to be talked about.

Because if this is what I should expect every time I see your family, eventually you can count me out.

The wedding was last Friday. On Sunday, after I got home from work, I sat down with him and we talked.

At one point he said, "I don't really want to say anything because I don't want it to sound like I'm defending my mom."

And I straight-up asked him:

"Why would you be defending your mom?"

So I started breaking the situation down for him.

I haven't seen his mother since January. I don't call her. She's blocked and deleted from my phone. I've declined every invitation to his parents' house, and he has literally explained to them why I don't come over anymore.

So knowing all of that, do you seriously expect me to see your mother at this wedding and suddenly perform closeness that doesn't exist?

That's when he kind of went, "Huh."

Then he said, "Well, you could've been kind."

Kind?

I WAS kind.

And that's when DH brought up Jesus and Christianity and basically told me I should think about what Jesus would do and be kind lol

And I literally looked at him and said, "I CAN be kind. But being kind does not mean I have to perform closeness with somebody I'm not close to."

Those are not the same thing.

I can speak to your mother. I can be respectful. I can have a normal conversation with her. I can be in the same room with her and not make everybody uncomfortable.

But I'm not required to hug her, act excited to see her, or pretend we have this warm relationship when we don't.

And I'm pretty damn sure somewhere in the Bible they talk about accountability too. Let's not start throwing Christianity and Jesus into the conversation just because it supports one particular part of the narrative.

Because if we're going to talk about kindness, then let's talk about accountability, forgiveness, repentance, making amends, and how you treat people too.

You don't get to pull out "What would Jesus do?" only when it's time for ME to swallow my feelings and make somebody else comfortable.

I even asked him, "What exactly should I have done? Hugged your mom anyway?"

Because what does that communicate?

Now we're hugging, so maybe everything is fine. Maybe everything has blown over. Maybe we're back to normal.

No.

I want my actions to match reality. I'll respect you. I'll speak to you. I'll be civil. But we're not at the hugging and affection stage, and I'm not going to fake it.

Then DH said something that actually shocked me:
"Well, there's nothing I can do."

I'm like...what?

What exactly do you think I'm asking you to do?

I'm not asking you to control your mother, change her, cut her off or start a fight with your family.
I'm asking you to stand beside your wife.

Because I know this situation is eventually going to make its way back to him. And when it does, tell her the truth:

"Mom, she hasn't seen you in months. She hasn't been coming over here, and I've already told you how she feels. Why are you shocked she wasn't comfortable hugging you? Just because time passed doesn't mean the hurt disappeared. I'm not going to force my wife to give you physical affection to make you feel better. I understand your feelings may have been hurt, but hers matter too."

That's it.

You can acknowledge your mother's feelings without making your wife responsible for fixing them.

I also told him that if his mother genuinely wants a better relationship with me, there has to be accountability.

I've said several times that if she actually acknowledged the hurt she caused and wanted to repair things, I'd be willing to try.

But MIL doesn't really apologize. She'll explain her past and why she reacted a certain way, say something like, "I'm sorry that made you feel that way," or get defensive.

Understanding WHY somebody behaves a certain way can help me empathize with them. It doesn't erase what they did.

Then I broke down the actual interaction with his mother, and honestly, this is the part that's comical to me.

I told him, "Your mom isn't stupid. She KNOWS there's distance between us."

Her own approach showed that.

Because make this shit make sense:

How do you approach somebody, say "Hi" and literally nothing else, and then get mad because they simply say hello back?

YOU approached ME.

Every other person who approached me at that wedding continued the conversation. "How are you?" "How have you been?" Something.

My MIL walked up and said, "Hi."
I said, "Hi," and turned my attention back toward the wedding.

Then suddenly:
"That's it?"
HUH?!

Ma'am, YOU started the interaction! If you wanted a conversation, continue the conversation!

Why was it my responsibility to take the "Hi" you gave me and transform it into some warm, enthusiastic reunion? Your “Hi” wasn’t even enthusiastic lol

I gave you exactly what you gave me.

Then she awkwardly goes for a handshake.
And at this point she has my FULL attention because now I'm staring at her like, What the fuck is happening? Did you actually want to say something more?

Because you're acting real entitled over the fact that I didn't continue the conversation for you, so okay. I'm here. I'm looking at you. You have my undivided attention now.

And she STILL doesn't say anything else.

You just got offended because I only said hi, but now that I'm staring directly at you waiting to see what else you apparently wanted from me...you have nothing else to say.

Instead, the awkward handshake turns into an attempted hug.

And that's when it clicked for me.

I politely said, "No thank you."

And her whole fucking top flies off.

Like ma'am, WHAT?!

Just because it’s been awhile everything didn’t suddenly reset itself.

From what I've witnessed over the years, I genuinely think I'm one of the few people who has consistently pushed back against her behavior instead of eventually letting everything slide to restore peace.

And sometimes it feels like she malfunctions when that doesn't work with me.

I'm not demanding that woman grovel. I'm not saying reconciliation is impossible. I'm just not giving anybody a reset without repair.

Eventually DH told me, "Honestly, this is hard for me. I don't know how to do this."

Then he asked me to send him basically a script for what he could say if his family brings the situation up.

And I did.

Part of me appreciates that he admitted he doesn't know how to handle it and actually asked for help.

The other part of me is sitting there thinking...you don't know how to stand up for your wife?

Because I've seen this man stand up for things before.

And THIS is really the bigger issue for me.

DH has an incredibly difficult time seeing certain behaviors clearly when his family is involved.

If I completely remove his family from the scenario, he gets it.

I can give him a hypothetical about some random person repeatedly treating us badly and ask what he'd do.

"I'd distance myself."

Would you keep putting your wife around them?

"No."

Would you want them around your children?

"Fuck no."

Okay.

Then I tell him, "Everything I just described actually happened. I just removed your family's names." Lol

And suddenly it's different.

Now he's upset.

"So you don't want me around my family?"

NO.
That's not what I said… that’s kind of what you said Yikes!

He's already pretty low contact with them and honestly has been since I've known him.

There were pre-existing issues in this family BEFORE ME. I didn't create them. I walked into an existing dynamic, and then more shit happened.

I think DH has spent so much of his life being the son who validates and manages his parents' feelings that sometimes he doesn't know how to stop doing that and just be my husband.

A perfect example happened recently when we were talking about what happened after we brought our newborn home.

He basically said that what happened was partly our fault because maybe we should've explicitly told his family no visitation during that time.
And I'm like...WAIT.

YOU knew we didn't want visitors.
My family knew we didn't want visitors.
So why did my family understand that boundary, but somehow the people living in the same house didn't?

And even if we could've communicated something better, how does that justify what happened afterward?

That's the pattern that frustrates me.
Instead of first saying, "My parents shouldn't have done that," his brain immediately searches for what

WE could've done differently to prevent their reaction.

At this point, when it comes to his family, I want distance.

A LOT of distance.

For many reasons, I don't think this family dynamic is beneficial to our marriage, and honestly, I don't even think it's beneficial to DH.

But here's the thing:

I don't want to leave my husband because of his family.

I've told him before that if we had continued living with his parents, I genuinely believe we would've gotten divorced. Our marriage would not have survived that environment.

And moving out didn't magically fix everything either.

We've been living on our own for almost a year now, and it has been a VERY rocky year. Divorce has been in the air at different points, and that's a huge part of why we're in therapy.

Because I'm tired.

I'm becoming emotionally exhausted and disconnected, and I've told him that.

I need him present in our marriage. Not just for me, but for himself and for our child too.

I can't keep fighting WITH my husband just to get him to show up AS my husband.

I can't keep fighting this hard for you to be my partner.

I've done that for far too long, and I'm tired.

And that's really why I'm asking this community.

For the women here or men too who have been in a similar situation with a spouse who had a really hard time seeing the unhealthy dynamics in their own family:

Did they eventually see it? What finally made it click?

Because DH HEARS me.

That's the frustrating part.

He hears what I'm saying. Sometimes I can literally see that he understands it.

But he's having a really hard time fully accepting it.
Sometimes it almost feels like when I criticize something his parents did, he hears it as me criticizing HIM.

Like, "This is part of me. This is my family. This is where I came from."

And I'm like, no.

I'm talking about your parents and specific things they did that weren't right. I'm not saying YOU are your parents.

Yes, your family shaped you. Of course they did. All of our families shape us.

But being shaped by something doesn't mean you're permanently stuck with it.

You can recognize, "Yeah, I learned this from my family, but this isn't healthy and I don't want to carry it into my marriage or into the family we're creating."
You can change.

And I understand that's going to take time. That's basically part of why we're in therapy.
I'm not expecting some magical overnight realization where he wakes up tomorrow like, "Holy shit, I see everything now."

I'm looking for movement.

So I genuinely want to hear from people who have actually lived this.

What opened the floodgates for your spouse?
Was there a particular moment where the light finally came on?

Was it therapy? Distance? Becoming a parent? Something their family did? Hearing it from somebody besides you? Or did they slowly start recognizing things over time?

And especially if there's anybody here who was actually more like my HUSBAND in this situation, I'd really like to hear from you too.

Did your spouse point these things out while you struggled to see them because this was your family and your normal?

Did criticism of your family's behavior initially feel like criticism of YOU?

And what finally helped you separate the two?
Because honestly, that's what I'm trying to understand.

I'm willing to acknowledge that unlearning a family dynamic you've lived in your entire life takes time.
I don't expect perfection.

I don't expect an overnight transformation.
But I need progress, because I cannot keep fighting the same fight forever.

So for those who actually made it through something like this (in this long ass post lol) with your marriage intact:

What finally helped your spouse see the light, and what did that process actually look like?

I’m new to posting on reddit so I apologize if this is lengthy. I had to repost to fix the link for pictures.

My husband and I had our wedding celebration in France last week (best week of my life). Wedding planning was honestly really great, not too stressful, even with coordinating everything from oversees (husband and I live in the US).

The only thing that really caused me any stress was my MIL. From the beginning she was difficult.

Why are we doing it in France and not Portugal (in laws are Portuguese and I’m part French. We looked at venues in both countries but France was the only one to have a venue that fit our vibe and accommodated all of our guests without blowing the budget). MIL wanted to invite distant cousins from Portugal (despite my husband and I explaining to her that this was not the kind of wedding where you send out invitations assuming some people will say no - we were only inviting the number of people that the chateau could accommodate because we didn’t want to 1. blow our budget on outside hotels or 2. make people pay for a plane ticket AND their accommodations. Also my husband is not that close to the cousins and he told her no multiple times to this request).

The biggest issue from the beginning was MIL’s dress. I initially told the moms to wear pink because green and pink were our loose wedding colors. MIL showed me some options initially, even told me once that she liked a particular dress and that “if it were a fancy venue i’d wear this but since it’s just at a chateau in France, i’ll get something different”. A month later I actually decided that it would be special for my parents to be my something blue, and with only 46 guests I thought it would be nice for them to stand out by not having any other guests wear blue. Everyone was totally okay with it, even MIL initially because she wanted to wear mauve.

A few months later she messaged me asking what shade of blue my mom is wearing because she found a navy dress. I explained to her again that only my parents are wearing blue. She said ok but a few days later was yelling about it to my husband telling him she’s going to wear whatever she wants. My husband told her that if she wears blue he will not speak to her (she has a history of being a narcissist so this was not a one time frustration on my husband’s part).

As MIL continued her dress search she sent me an option that was an extremely light pink. I told her to try to find a deeper pink dress because my gown was ivory and I didn’t want hers to photograph too white. Also, the dress code was colorful black tie for the wedding so all other guests were purchasing fun, bright colors. She was extremely difficult about the no blue and complained that she didn’t like any dresses she saw or tried on. So leading up to the wedding, no one knew what dress she had purchased. She assured us that it wouldn’t be blue. She wouldn’t, however, show anyone what dress she got. She wouldnt even let my husband go into her bathroom before the rehearsal dinner because she didn’t want him seeing her dress.

My husband and I discussed that if she wore something inappropriate, we would simply have the photographers photoshop it. No need to stress during the event because photoshop will take care of it and my husband made her aware of this.

To our not so surprise, day of the wedding MIL comes out in the pictured dress. Even arranged to have a pseudo first look with my husband (which he thought was weird) and his first thought was “that dress is way too close to white”. When I initially saw it I had hoped it would photograph maybe more gold or silver, but when we got the photos back, it was extremely white. Unnecessarily close to my husband and I’s colors.

My husband followed through with the boundary we agreed to set and had the photographers change her dress to pink. We thought it looked normal and anyone seeing the photos would not think otherwise. My husband and I posted our photos on instagram with her color change.

MIL texted me that what I did was horrible and that I humiliated her. She told my brother in law that I’m jealous of her and that I changed the color of her dress because I didn’t want her looking better than my mom. And she even messaged our photographers on instagram first questioning the color change and then to claim they altered FIL’s face and demanded the originals.

My husband had been ignoring her calls and texts after the wedding (not only did she wear white but complained all week about the venue & her room - a private suite - to us and our other guests and said nasty things about my husband to his brother & brother’s gf on her drive to the airport), but we decided he should message her to confront her about her messages to me and the photographers and to call her out on her comments the entire week, during and after the wedding.

She hasn’t responded to him and her first reaction was to call my brother in law, upset that his girlfriend told me the things she was saying on the car ride.

My husband and I talked and I told him this is a hard boundary I want to set with her. She made the entire planning process a nightmare anytime we had to interact with her about wedding details, and the cherry on top was her wearing white the day of. If she can do this to us on one of the most special days in our life, I shudder to think what other milestone events she’ll continue to make about herself and how she’ll treat me going forward on any regular day as well.

She hasn’t apologized and somehow made herself the victim in all of this.

I felt validated during our wedding reception and the day after with our friends asking me if I approved her dress because of how light it was. They couldn’t believe she’s wear something like that.

And when she posted a photo she had from her phone with her original dress color on facebook, all of her comments were wishing her a happy anniversary or congratulating her on her big day - it seems obvious to me that her dress color had people thinking the photo was from her own bridal event, not a picture of her as a wedding guest.

I know reddit is brutally honest so I’m curious what other people think. Post wedding this issue has taken up a lot of my brain space, but my actual wedding day was so perfect and I paid her no mind so she didn’t ruin anything for me in the moment.

My husband made a post for fun and this is the link to his to see the photos of her dress https://www.reddit.com/r/Marriage/s/kv5EEhtpJj

EDIT: I don’t want people’s opinions on if I should tell my ILs I’m pregnant. I’m looking to hear from people who have had their ILs say they want reconciliation but then do nothing to facilitate the reconciliation.

It has been almost 6 months since I have seen my MIL and FIL since MIL betrayed me for the last time. From my past posts, you’ll see she dove into the role of victim by creating mass panic about her memory and claiming she has dementia. She was magically cleared of signs of memory loss and dementia the next day by a nurse.

I’m glad I’ve had a big break from my in laws like I needed after being betrayed so many times, but I never expected them to essentially give up on my DH and LO like they have. I really thought they would just avoid me.

My DH has called his Dad twice over the past few months. The first time was on Father’s Day and they talked about our fallout and FIL blamed me for being unforgiving. I have been more than forgiving and given them too many chances to count. The second call was last week. DH texted FIL and asked why MIL has not tried to reconcile with us. They had a call and FIL came back to the MIL memory loss claim. DH didn’t accept his reasoning again.

I’m just so confused because on the calls with FIL, FIL will say things like “we want to reconcile with you”, “what do we have to say to fix things”, “we miss you and want to see you”. But then after these calls, we do not hear from either of them and months pass. Eventually my DH contacts them for a birthday or something and the same thing happens.

I’m not sure what I want out of posting this. Kind of just a rant. I’m near the end of my first trimester and DH is going to be texting his parents in about a month to just blandly share the news. I’m trying so hard to make nothing in this pregnancy about them. I just would hate for them to use our announcement as a foot in the door to reconcile.

We are definitely going to tell them because we just want them to be aware, but they’re not going to be knowing any details other than I’m due next year and probably the gender. We will also be telling them only just before the rest of the world, so it’s completely different to my first pregnancy where they were the first to know early and they got all the details through each step of the way.

Ugh

Husband and I have a 3 month old baby girl. Shes clearly going through a growth spurt because we get her weight checked regularly. She takes a bottle of formula every 3 hours during the day. It is on the larger volume for her age (6 to 7oz) but she usually finishes it comfortably. She has mild reflux.

Twice this week MIL has been at our place and baby has started crying. Same exact situation both times. I look at the clock, see it has been almost 3 hours since baby's last feed and start preparing a bottle.

Bottle is ready. I ask "MIL, do you want to feed baby or shall I?". By this point baby has escalated crying.

MIL replies "she cannot possibly be hungry, its not been that long since the last feed. I bet she has a tummy pain. I bet she is bored." MIL dances baby around for a good 15 minutes with baby wailing.

By this point baby is too distraught to even eat without me calming her with her dummy first.

After this happened yesterday MIL's comments were not an apology but rather "baby should be able to go longer between bottles now, the packet says three to four hours. Wouldn't four be nicer? Wasnt she going almost four a few weeks back?"

I said babies are not robots and you need to feed them when they are hungry.

Husband asked her to leave abruptly. But when she had gone he said we wanted to ask a professional this week why our baby is "so hungry all the time" because maybe mil "has a point".

The way she gets into his head infuriated me. Also v sad because I am dealing with PPD and MIL is the most available person we have to watch baby for a few hours so I can go to therapy/have some me time etc. She used to be wonderful with baby in the newborn phase but now whenever I give advice about baby schedule or cues to her she takes it as an insult ("I DO know how to care for a child, you know")

I guess I am just grieving the idea of unconditional support with baby. I am also scared of leaving baby with MIL for hours in case she lets her go hungry. But shes meant to have her on friday night! And I have zero idea how to have a productive conversation with her!

My hair is already falling out but this makes me want to rip out even mooooore

I’m curious what the main culprits are.. 🫣
So I guess this is a ‘discussion’ post?

My MIL raised her sons as a single mother, and has had them on a pedestal ever since. She’s tried her hardest to keep life as the ‘trip’ that is her and her ‘boys’. Despite the fact those ‘boys’ are 30-40 years old now!
It’s joyous 🫩

I had made a post earlier about deciding whether or not I should go to my husband’s grandfather’s memorial. I ended up not going. While I’m glad I didn’t, my lovely MIL took it upon herself to make a big deal out of the fact I removed her from my socials AND she did so in front of the family too. I didn’t think she’d stoop that low… to make a scene on a trip meant to celebrate your dad’s life??? I just don’t understand how that was appropriate? And cornering my husband about it knowing he wouldn’t want to say/do anything because it wasn’t the time or place. Wouldn’t it have been best to speak to him about it privately? I had done so a couple weeks before the event so if it bothered her that much why didn’t she ask my husband before that?

Anyways, she claims by doing so I effectively cut off all communication with her. She has my number? Is that not a direct way of communication? She hasn’t contacted me since May but I cut off communication? Make it make sense. How full of yourself do you have to be to think everything I say or do is somehow targeted against you? It was a boundary I created for some emotional space since I felt my activity on social media, including things I liked, were constantly being brought up. That made me feel watched and uncomfortable, like what I was doing online was being monitored or could later be used in conversations. (Let’s hope no one finds this page LOL)

We’re moving soon partly to be closer to my family and partly because my husband just doesn’t like to stay in one place for too long. He recently asked me if I could contact his mom to smooth things over since he wants to have a get together for his birthday. EVEN though I truly don’t understand why I have to be the bigger person when she’s the one to cause all the problems, I decided to do so for the sake of my husband. I will maintain very rigid boundaries for myself and daughter. I was also very clear it wasn’t a forgive and forget kind of deal but more cordial and respectful so we can do the dinner my husband wants. I decided to bite the bullet since before long I’ll be far away and won’t have to deal with any of her non sense. Currently waiting on her reply. We’ll see how it goes.

Long post warning!

I just had twins earlier this year. The newborn phase was the absolute worst because I had no help. My mom had her own business to take care of and idk where MIL went. I resented both, but came to forgive both because MIL started helping at around the 3 month mark and mom has just made up for it by helping and now coming over at the drop of a hat if I need her.

That being said, I’m over MIL now. I work 3 days a week, and she wanted to come on my 2 days of the work week that I was off. I told my husband, I don’t need her help anymore. I’m a very independent person who likes my alone time. She is getting in the way of baby schedules. They want to sleep? She literally is like “noo don’t sleep yet baby I just got here” and keeps them up until they are really cranky. I ask her to put them in the crib for naps and she says no because she likes holding them. Ma’am you’re just gonna fall asleep with them. She always comes during their nap time, so inevitably she wakes them up because my dog gets pissed someone’s at the door. She brings her mom over without telling me also. It feels like I’m hosting with her and I honestly don’t have time to with the babies. There are times we’ve literally sat in silence because the babies are sleeping, but she’s holding one of them.

Husband talked to her and she’s down to one day a week while I’m not at work, but she doesn’t even ask what day she can come over. I got a text from her yesterday saying “I’ll see you tomorrow!” And who did you ask for permission to come over? I’m thinking about being petty and making a dr appointment for sick baby when she usually comes over as a “hey maybe ask permission next time” type thing.

All that being said, my mom is always with me now. She comes probably three times a week. But she will put the babies in their crib during nap time, she buys food for husband and I when she comes over (and if we buy food she pays us back), she discusses what foods we should try for the babies and brings them so we can make purées and she bathes both babies, she buys diapers, clothes and other things we need. Although she comes over more, we always discuss the weeks schedule and what works and doesn’t and what plans we have for the babies. It’s like she’s a part of helping the children grow versus “I’m coming over see ya soon”

MIL has a lot of problems at home with FIL and I know these babies are a lot easier than what she’s dealing with at home, but I don’t care? I’m a big boundaries girl. I also hold grudges and I have plenty of other stories with her that have irked me. I know she just wants to see her grand babies so it makes me feel like an AH.

Edit: thank you all for your replies! The consensus is that I need to man up basically. The issue with that is I’m trying to keep the peace. Otherwise I will say some terrible things which will definitely make me the AH. Buuut I’ll try to be nice about it at first

Second edit: You’re all great thank you for your advice. 😭 I used to frequent this sub a lot because of MIL and forgot about it until I stumbled on a post. All of you understand, and I love it.

I just have no words anymore

See previous posts.

So now we are onto that no effort is made. I've been off work for a month with a health issue and she hasn't seen my son for the whole time even though she comes weekly when I am working to watch him one day a week....

We never get invited anywhere and no one asks how our child is.

Basically because we set boundaries and haven't capitulated my inlaws now have very little to do with us. Special occasions only where they expect our child to perform and you can see they are disappointed that they have no interest in doing that and if anything get irritated with the inlaws behaviour and just want to read a book.

I mean I am grateful that I think by being how we are we stopped a justno ruining our lives...but now I just kind of mourn the lack of family experience my LO gets.

Up until about 7 mo this ago I’d have told you I had the ideal situation. We got along well, no one jumped into our business and we helped when it was needed and vice versa. Being pregnant has triggered some unknown JNMIL curse that I was unaware of.

We’ve known each other for over a decade with no issues! Now all of a sudden it’s constant little comments, asking about me but not really caring about the answer, about how my rough pregnancy experience is one I need to suck it up and get over it etc etc. Then the emotional manipulation about not being needed when we genuinely don’t need help and how she’s unwanted etc etc. like Jesus. It’s like a baby has broken her mind. And it’s not even the first grandchild! It’s the 4th! Just the first from us. I don’t get it. He’s not even born yet! I’m a little shocked tbh. I wouldn’t have pegged her for this.

My (F24) MIL has been confusing the heck outta me for yearss. For the record, my partner and I are not yet officially married, but we engaged 8 months ago. We are coming up to our 4 year anniversary. I have been lurking on this subreddit for the past few years, making a previous post on a burner account around this time last year lol. For context, my partner is an only child and the father is not in the picture.

The circumstances of our early relationship were quite complicated, we were not official, but would see each other regularly (we both still live at home btw) From the first few instances of meeting my partner's mother, it was so so awkward. I would be polite as I could under the circumstances when going to his house and apart from the general hellos, she would not really engage with me. Looking back now, I understand it was weird as were not officially a couple back then. However, the general things you do with a guest e.g. ask if they want a drink, maybe ask them a few questions, or just being a bit interested in your son's friend? None of that was there. I did find her strange to start with and quite stern. They would often have conversations relating to their family (which ofc I couldn't contribute to) so I felt a bit like a rock.

After quite a lot of time passing, my partner and I start dating and everything is wonderful. His mom's opinion of me was always in the back of my mind but I didn't let it bother me too much. Skip until 2025 we have been dating for a few years now, and I was still picking up more on his mom's behaviour towards me. After dating for a while, she was still treating me like she was all those years ago - like a stranger. Still no interest in me, never smiled at me, very rarely hugged me, would never properly greet me. I would ask as many questions about any convo I could get outta her but she would NEVER ask anything else back about me, which I did think was slightly weird? I get some mothers don't really care about having a relationship with their DIL too much but I just found it strange as my bf is her only child and surely she cares about how he is? She would also make jokes about me 'stealing her son away'. And then it all got a bit much, and I got emotional and spoke to my bf about it. He did talk to his mom about it but it was a lot of deflecting from her - saying I never start conversations, her comments about stealing my bf are just jokes, and she lets me stay over her house without complaining and buys me christmas and birthday presents? I think for me it's more the emotional aspect, but I don't think she understood this. From this, I felt like I uncessary caused drama and pushed it to the back of my mind once again. I sorta just accepted this is just how her personality is and there's nothing I can do to make her 'approve'? of me.

Now skip to now, being engaged she did at least hug me and seemed happy for me and my partner. And for a while it seemed all fine and I had no issues. And present day, she has been making those jokes again which I found weird back last year, which my bf says she will stop. It wasn't just one it was multiple. I can't describe the feeling and I probably can't change my facial expressions when she makes these jokes, but I feel repulsed of the idea. A mother and child have a completely different relationship to a romantic one. Her and my mom have been hanging out and from what she has gathered, my MIL completely understand that my partner is getting older and will eventually leave her to start a family of his own. And a lot of how I perceive it, it's nothing personal just her personality. It does confuse me because she still doesn't greet me when I see her and just the general awkward vibes I get from her. She doesn't really say anything positive to me about the relationship I have with her son, but she will say nice things about us to other people. She has made comments about me looking very tired but not in a agreeable sense more like an insult to me when I dont think I look tired.

I do see a future with my fiance but I feel like if there were any problems that threaten our relationship this is one. I did want a good relationship with my MIL, I don't care if she sees me as a daughter or is just amicable with me but all these mixed signals i'm getting from her I just don't understand what is going on.

Well, here goes. First, this is not my MIL it is my grandmother and mother.

To start my mom and I have an extremely close relationship and a very strong bond, always have. This has always seemed to be an issue with my gmom. She would criticize my mom on how much time she spent with me as an infant. Needless to say, I felt, even as a child, that this woman not only disliked me but was in some sort of competition with me. At two, she was watching me and my arm had been mysteriously pulled out of socket. For brevities sake, I’ve tried my best to have a good relationship but she has made it very difficult and I went no contact for a few years a while ago. I tried again for my mom’s sake when my gmom went to the hospital. It was ok but the little digs still happened and when my mom is in town, she doesn’t like when she spends time with me and ultimately prevented her from spending much time with me. (Yes I know my mom is part of the problem).

Anyway, I am 30 weeks pregnant and my mom is bicoastal and planned on coming this September and staying indefinitely to help with baby. She is planning the baby shower and has been so supportive of myself and my partner as we are in the process of buying a house. There has been tons of stress tbh. Yes, I thought there may be issues with her mom but I was really hopeful. I was clearly naive.

My uncle had passed away in June in a horrible manor. It was and is devastating. My gmom has had is belongings and ashes and wanted to take his ashes to West Virginia. I loved this idea. I had reached out to her to give my condolences and also let her know I could stop by if she needs anything at all. I got a not great and lukewarm response but I was still polite and she never responded. Maybe I should’ve kept trying but between being pregnant, having so much going on, and being nervous about our relationship, I didn’t.

Today my mom called, normal conversation at first but I could tell she was a little buzzed (it’s the weekend, not judging at all) and proceeded to tell my she had been on the phone with her mom before calling me. Said my gmom was upset about the timing of my baby shower because she wanted to go to West Virginia as soon as my mom got here. My mom wanted to focus on the shower and being with her children. My gmom accused her of not caring about my uncle, her brother. This really hurt my mom of course but that is not unusual for my gmom. She can be cruel. I said so much and mom agreed. She proceeded to tell me my gmom was also demanding to know who from HER family was invited and she wanted to make sure that “no one forgets her influence over the family”. She wants a say in who comes and who is left out. ( she has an imaginary rivalry with my dad’s side of the family). She also said she doesn’t want to be involved in anything “shallow”. My shower is shallow? I asked for clarification but I think my mom realized she shouldn’t have said that and glazed over it. I told her we can do whatever she needs to be comfortable and they should go to WV after the shower and not wait until my baby is born like my mom suggested. I just don’t want drama. It then escalated into my mom telling me my gmom said I never reached out when my uncle passed (lie) and that I’ve cut her out of my life (lie). I had been calm and accommodating until this point. I’m not a liar and I don’t like having my character attacked. I told my mom that I won’t have myself or my baby made into the reason my gmom can’t spread her son’s ashes. I also reminded her that I have tried and tried with her even when she’s been nasty. My mom started yelling saying that her mother isn’t nasty and she will defend her (but not me apparently). I flipped unfortunately and said fine, don’t come stay with me, don’t throw the shower. You have to worry about your mother and hung up. I’m not proud of that.

She’s currently blocked for now because I don’t want drunken texts from her that she can’t take back. I just don’t know how I became the villain here at 7.5 months pregnant and minding my own business. It also feels like I can never do anything right because my gmom is “80 years old and she could die any second”. This woman is healthy, lives on her own, still drives and participates in the church.

I have no idea where to go from here. I was shaking and crying and almost fainted from being overwhelmed. I also have CPTSD partially from this relationship. Any advice or similar experiences would help so much! Thank you and sorry for the long read!

[UPDATE]

I had a very calm and constructive phone call with my mother today! As soon as she called me, she started crying and saying how sorry she was. She admitted she shouldn’t drag me into this drama and felt so terrible that she caused myself and the baby any stress. All without any prompting. I was very honest with her about my feelings and boundaries that were now firmly in place and she completely agreed. She even said she would be willing to go NC with her mother if that’s what it took (which I would absolutely never ask). She admitted her mother had too much control and although she felt bad for her, she would not let that ruin our relationship. It was an extremely healing call and we seem to be on the same page. That being said, we are in a good place but my boundaries are still firmly up and will remain there. I am prepared to keep her at an arms length and remove myself at any moment. The blinders are off. Thank you to every single commenter for all the advice, kind words, and tough love! Couldn’t have done it without you!

See my prior posts for the baby shower/family conflict backstory. We had basically been in limbo waiting to have a conversation after MIL said some really hurtful things to my husband over the shower situation and at risk of her survival she needed space before we could meet to talk. (All while my husband is recovering from surgery, on crutches and I’m struggling taking care of him).

Then last week, MIL called my husband (he missed the call) then texted my husband that she had been in the ER needed to hear his voice, was sorry, etc etc. Obviously we were concerned. My husband tried calling her back and also reached out to FIL asking if everything was okay and to please call him.

FIL never responded or returned the call.

MIL eventually texted that she was home and doing ok. She is a big conspiracy theorist and deeply distrustful of modern medicine, so her follow-up messages quickly turned into complaints about the doctors wanting to give her medication and how it was further proof that to get actual help she would have to continue to “chart her own path.” This isn’t particularly unusual for her, but after getting an “I’m in the ER” message, it was still a stressful night to this type of response we felt like we were on an emotional roller coaster.

A day later she reached out asking for a date to come over and talk about the over arching conflict - ok step in the right direction
And then, immediately after all of that, she texted ‘exciting news we bought a new house and will be moving!” This new house is an extra 45-1 hour drive each way away (they were already like 50min away).

This was especially jarring because less than two weeks earlier, during the baby shower blowup, MIL had told my husband that being near us was “too painful” and that she wished they lived farther away. She later walked that comment back/reframed it, so now the first time we hear from her with anything non medical it’s this excitement over a move.

She is notorious impulsive and I don’t think this move will be good for them for multiple reasons and it has been VERY hard to completely separate the comment from the fact that less than two weeks later we found out they were, in fact, moving farther away.

The other piece I’m struggling with is the timing.
I’m due at the end of November. Given the timing of the purchase, sale of their home they basically said they will be moving right around my due date. So after the last several weeks being consumed by drama surrounding our baby shower, the next few months leading up to the birth are now also going to coincide with their major move (ofc it’s all they want to talk about now, renovations etc).

In all of these chats she never asked how my husband was doing post surgery or how I was doing managing taking care of him.

We finally had the conversation with them today. To MIL’s credit, she apologized and acknowledged that a lot of the things she said to my husband crossed a line. They said they are excited to be grandparents, want to support us and want to be good grandparents. So in that sense, the conversation went well. But we also spent a LOT of the visit talking about their new house, and how despite the longer drive the increased distance could actually mean spending more time together because we could plan full days instead of shorter visits.

I feel like she makes all of these big assumptions/ sets unspoken expectations (like expecting to spend a full day+ at our house). Then when these things don’t happen she blows up.

Ironically they only stayed for about an hour and a half today because they needed to get home to their dog — with the current shorter drive. Their dog also complicates visits in general - is very reactive aggressive towards are dog and she brought up how she’s still very upset by the ‘loss’ of our dog (he’s still alive they just aren’t seeing him as much bc they got an aggressive dog so it’s not safe for our dog to be around him.

Even though today’s conversation technically went well, I’m still really angry about the cumulative effect of the last few weeks. It also strange like she still was kinda digging my husband and praising me more, I think we can give (myself) credit for us being here trying to resolve this - and I was like no DH was the one. It’s odd bc usually MIL hate the DIL and I feel like we’re the opposite but I’m actually way over her.

MIL texted afterward thanking us for the conversation, saying I looked good (lol) and about there being “a lot of big changes for all of us,” and this set me off. I KNOW objectively that other people’s lives don’t stop because we’re having a baby. They’re allowed to move
But it feels like we haven’t gotten to just have our moment. And she continues to overshadow all of these big moments!

Looking back when we got married - huge blow up right before, I needed surgery -she made it all about her self, my babyshower - blew that up, now my due date - they are moving!

They did acknowledge the timing is bad and they didn’t intend this but smh history continues to repeat itself

I did say in the meeting today this has all been a lot for me and it’s going to take me a while to process and i need space going into our last 3 months to focus on us. They responded well to that but I just don’t trust something else won’t capitalize this time.

DH also stated these boundaries and reiterated that their increased distance is going to change the relationship but jfc I thought I was prepared but can’t believe they are now moving on top of everything else that happened.

Me(33f) and my husband (35m) just got married and we are looking for a house. right now we live in my one bedroom condo and are bursting at the seams. We have been looking since before we got married probably at least a few months. We have been looking in the 350-430k range which where we live can get you a decent house. We are not afraid of some projects but not too much. Now on to my MIL. My husband called his mother to update him that we found a really good house in our price range. We sent her the listing and she absolutely hates it. Some of her concerns my husband and I have discussed and dismissed. The main thing that is getting me angry is how out of touch she is. She told my husband that we need to look under 300k. She still lives in the house my husband grew up in which means she hasn't bought a house since the 80s. She is also blames me because my husband makes way more money then I do. She also refuses to look online at houses or change her opinion when we tell her an under 300k house isn't feasible unless we want to do more work then we are comfortable with. She does zero work and yet wants to impose her will on us. I feel like we are lucky that we are at least finding some houses in our price range. Everyone is saying I am being too emotional but I feel like we take one step forward and getting hit 10 steps back.