Salam alaikum everyone,
I’m reaching out to this community because I’m currently going through something I never thought I’d experience, and I honestly don't know who else to turn to. I need a safe space to lay this all out.
I’m M42 years old, of North African descent, and I live in France. Because of my faith in Allah, I’ve remained a virgin all my life and have never had any romantic or sexual experiences.
Three months ago, things shifted unexpectedly with one of my colleagues. He’s M43, from South America, living in France, openly gay for years, and non-religious (ex-Christian). At first, our interactions were strictly professional. But slowly, our conversations evolved into something deep, romantic, and intensely affectionate. We’ve both admitted our feelings and now say "I love you" every day.
Since we’ve both been away on vacation in different countries, we haven't seen each other physically during these three months. Our communication is strictly through text, voice notes, whatsapp videos, and a rare phone call—mainly because I can’t speak freely around my family.
Despite the distance, the physical and emotional reaction in my body is overwhelming. Whenever we chat, I get strong physical arousal (erections, pre-ejaculatory fluid). In the heat of the moment, I express deep affection, compliment him, and flirt heavily. But as a practicing Muslim, this creates a major daily struggle: maintaining my wudu (ablutions) becomes a constant battle. I literally have to carefully time when I open his messages so it doesn't mess up my prayers.
Lately, I’ve been reading books and researching progressive Islamic views on homosexuality. Yet, I live in constant tension. On one hand, there is a deep, human need for intimacy. On the other, there's a terrifying fear of misinterpreting the texts and committing a grave sin. Sometimes, the emotional distress is so heavy that I almost pray for death—while still leaving the choice of my life in Allah’s hands.
When the sexual arousal drops, I’m left with intense confusion. I ask myself: Do I genuinely love him, or am I just overwhelmed by physical attraction?
He knows I’m a practicing Muslim and that I cannot be out, and he is completely respectful and reassuring about it. He’s an amazing, kind person and a truly beautiful friend. I don't want to be unfair to him. But now that our vacations are coming to an end and we will soon meet in person, I feel completely lost about what to do next.
I’m facing a major dilemma and would love your perspective:
* Should I continue this relationship? Part of me wonders if I should just walk away, accept a life without sexual pleasure, and free myself from all this inner turmoil. But I'm also afraid to loose a real opportunity for love.
* How do I deal with the religious conflict? Even after reading context-based interpretations, the explicit verses condemning men desiring men deeply haunt and disturb me. I’m still not 100% convinced of the permissibility of same-sex relationships.
* What should I do when we meet physically? Given my total lack of experience, I’m anxious about how to handle the next step.
I love him as a person, but my feelings feel very different when I’m sexually aroused versus when I’m calm.
Has anyone been through a similar dynamic? How did you navigate the guilt, the physical attraction, and your faith? Feel free to ask me anything if you need more context.
Thank you for reading.
P.S. Two practical fears are also weighing on me:
Sexual health: He’s experienced and I’m a virgin—i'm afraid of STI.
Public visibility: I'm well-known in my local French Muslim community and my family is very conservative. I'm terrified of being spotted in public with him.
