Iām 27 and my boyfriend is 31. Weāve been dating for a little over a year and a half now, and weāll be reaching two years next March. Weāre in an LDR. Weāre both from the same district, but heās currently working in another district, and it takes around 8 hours of driving to get back to my place. Weāre still in the same state, though.
When we first started dating, the first few months were honestly amazing. The chemistry was chemistrying š Everything felt perfect. He used to make an effort to come back and take me out at least once a month, even though travelling back isnāt exactly easy. Heās a teacher, so I understand that he has work commitments too.
After around six months, he started slowing down a bit. I brought it up to him, and he told me that he had been feeling burned out and low on energy. I get that. He has ADHD and no family relatives where he's at, and he mostly depended on his friends who according to him there's only one he can really count on. I tried to be understanding, so I told him that I would slow down too and not pressure him.
Eventually, there were periods where he didnāt come back as often, and I started being the one travelling to see him. Iāve visited him twice since we started dating, whereas previously he was usually the one coming to me.
This year, things also became more difficult because flights have gotten expensive. I understood that, but obviously I still missed him. A couple of months ago, I was worried that we wouldnāt get to see each other for a long time because the next school holiday was still several months away, so I decided to pay for my own trip to visit him. I stayed with him for two days.
The thing is, despite all of this, he tells me that he loves me and misses me. When weāre apart, he tells me heās excited to see me and canāt wait to meet me again. I feel the same way. I really do love this man and I genuinely want a future with him.
Weāve always dated with marriage in mind. When we first started dating, we actually agreed that if we found after a year that we werenāt compatible, we would call it quits. After a year, I asked him where he stood, and he told me that he wanted to stay with me and wanted me to be his wife.
Last year, he told me that if things continued going well, he wanted to meet my parents around December. That didnāt happen.
Earlier this year, I brought up my concerns about marriage because I felt like there wasnāt really any discussion about it from his side. He reassured me and told me that his plan was to come to my house towards the end of this year and masuk meminang me.
Obviously, I was happy to hear that, but I didnāt want to get my hopes up too much because he has a tendency to make promises and then forget about them.
For example, last year during Raya, he gave me angpau. This year, he told me he would give me angpau again. When Raya came, I asked him about it, and he told me, āAngpau ada, but the ones I have are for kids, so the amount isnāt much. Do you want the kidsā angpau or should I just send it to you through QR?ā
I told him I wanted the QR one, and he said okay. But Raya ended and I never received anything. I was too embarrassed to ask him about it again because Raya had already passed.
Again, I know itās a small thing and itās not about the money. Itās more about the fact that he told me he would do something, but somehow it just never happened.
And then thereās my birthday.
My birthday was in July. Before my birthday, he asked me what I wanted, as we usually do. I told him I honestly didnāt know what I wanted, but that I would really love flowers and a handwritten letter. Those two things were important to me.
He told me he had already booked my flowers and that he would bring them when he came to see me. He also said he had prepared a gift for me and that he would celebrate my birthday with me when we finally met.
So naturally, I got excited.
He did send me a handwritten letter, although he wrote it on his tablet, which I was still happy about because I appreciated the effort.
Today, we finally met again after about two months of not seeing each other.
And... I don't know. I felt really disappointed.
He gave me a small bouquet of flowers, but honestly, it looked like something he had just bought on the way rather than something that had been booked beforehand. There was no proper birthday celebration, no birthday wishes or anything like that.
I asked him about my gift, and he said, āYou told me you didnāt know what you wanted, so I didnāt know what to buy you.ā
That really hurt me.
Because last year, he bought me a bag and a ring. Which he also asked and I told him I don't know what I want but a ring would be nice. So itās not like he has never bought me anything before or doesnāt know me at all.
For his birthday this year, I spent around RM800+ on him because I genuinely wanted to make him feel special. Iām not expecting him to spend the same amount on me, and this isnāt really about the money.
Itās about the fact that he told me he had prepared something. He told me he had booked flowers. He told me he would celebrate my birthday with me. So I believed him and looked forward to it.
And then none of that really happened.
I was honestly very upset today. I tried to hide it, but I ended up crying at some point and he didnāt even notice. I feel like I ruined the mood for the day because I couldnāt hide my disappointment.
And now I feel childish for even being upset about it.
I know that some people might say, āItās just a birthday giftā or āAt least he bought you flowers.ā And I understand that. Iām not asking for expensive gifts.
But this isnāt the first time he has made promises and failed to follow through.
At the same time, I genuinely believe he loves me. He tells me he wants me to be his wife. When his mom asked him whether we had discussed taking the relationship to the next stage, he apparently told her that he wanted to wait until he could move to Kuching. He has also consistently been applying for transfers to Kuching, but so far he hasnāt been successful.
So Iām really confused.
I love him. I know he loves me. There are genuinely good things in our relationship.
But Iām starting to wonder whether love is enough when I keep feeling disappointed by his actions.
I would really appreciate some honest opinions, especially from people who have been in long-term relationships or LDRs.