For context, I’m (22 F) a SAHM. I have been at home for 10 months as of yesterday, The entire financial burden is on my husbands shoulders (20M). He’s so young and I can’t imagine the burden of financially taking care of me and my son, yet he does it with literal ease. No, we’re not that well off, but we never want for anything. We always have food, rent is always on time, cars always fixed when needed. Just yesterday he surprised me with earrings I had been wanting and a jellycat the week before. I’ve been using depop and vinted as well as sending baked goods to his work to sell. Today I was finally able to make enough on depop to get this for him. It doesn’t even come close to comparing to everything he does for us, but i’m so excited for him to finally have something he wants.

Ok so me (f24) and my husband (m28) have been together 4 years, married 1 year, and we’ve moved in with his parents because my mom and husband got into an argument and it basically spiraled into us moving away. I met my in-laws the first year we started dating and I thought that as the time went by, we would be closer but it just feels like I’m at work everyday. And what I mean by that is like just talking to co workers with your customer service voice, “hi good morning” “oh have you seen this?” And just very very short… talks? I guess what I’m asking is, has anyone else been through this? And did it get better? I really do want to have a good relationship with my in laws but I don’t know how. I’m literally an open book, I’ve tried to open up about my past, I’ve tried cooking things for them, I’ve tried to start convos about literally anything and it just gets cut short. Sometimes I feel that maybe it’s just best to leave it be? I always have this quote in my head from bojack horseman, “to know you more is to love you less” because that’s just the kind of vibe I’m getting from his side of the family.

My husband (39M) all he does it shame me(33F) for “ruining his life” and I feel like crap every day of my life . We’ve been married for 9 years , he doesn’t have a real job he never did we both work at the business we have from home and I also take care of our 2 children I do the feedings/doctors appointments/baths , I’m there when they are sick and also try to keep the house as clean as possible meanwhile all he does it’s judge if one of the kids has a bigger belly he says (while being on his phone ) you’re a bad mom you don’t feed them properly . God forbid I ask him once to pick up one of them from school he goes ballistic. I’m so tired of putting up with someone’s shit that I know they don’t deserve . He’s also had a history But I don’t have the strength to leave so my kids will have both of their parents so I’m just venting hoping someone understands

My husband receives selfies from his girl boss when she is out on vacation… I as the wife feel extremely disrespected because my husband went along with it.… he claims there’s nothing going on and he didn’t ask for the picture…

How would you feel if this happened to you? I’m trying to understand my feelings…. 💔

tl;dr

My boyfriend and I plan on marrying. We're both in our late twenties. We are seriously considering marriage because we have different nationalities and in the long run living in each others countries it just makes sense.

We have already talked about a prenup which is both fine for us.

Right now we have set up a shared account for shared expenses where each of us puts in like 2k a month.

I earn better than him by quite a good amount, but with 5k$ net a month he is still well off.

I wonder how this sub would suggest splitting finances.

He still has student loans and credit card debt. I also don't think his spending habits are great. Even with his decent salary he somehow ends of being broke here and there. He also likes to gamble sometimes (like every other month or so) but i would not say this habit is extremely problematic.

I have very decent savings (my personal dream some day is paying off a house in cash). I am not stingy but I have worked hard for my money and I want to build a decent future for myself and the people I love.

I read a lot of people saying "we became one after marrying/why still split finances".

Our situation just seems to have a big delta.

How would you handle this?

I was living with my husband in a rented house. We had a fight, and he went back to his hometown and stopped paying the rent. I lost my job too, but I somehow managed to pay the rent for 3 months.
We started talking normally again, and when I asked him to pay the rent because I had been unemployed for the last 3 months and was struggling financially, he asked me to show him my bank statement.
How can this marriage work when a husband asks his own wife to show her bank statement before helping her with the rent?

Husband here (43).

Married for 14 years. 2 Kids. 7 year old and 15 month old.

I do two jobs. A side gig early in the morning/late night online and a FT role 9-5 from home.

I wake up early at 5 am and get cracking at my side gig, feed the baby the bottle if needed. I do the night shift. Then by 7/8 am I am preparing breakfast for us including the baby, lunch and snack for older kid etc. Then I get the 7 year old to school, and wake up the baby and bring him down, change him and try and feed him time permitting. I will also do all outside errands. And I will do the school and daycare pickup, sports registration, weekend or weekday activties, all b'day parties. I am a high achiever at work and that has in past year come with a cost. Late night and some weekend works, not anymore but years in the past.

My wife comes down (Around 10:30-11 AM) and has to finish feeding the baby and prep anything required for lunch or dinner etc, and look after the baby. Now its not the easiest to handle a toddler, so I try and help anytime I can during the day, but she is the primary care giver to the baby. In the afternoon around 2:30 our nanny comes in take over the baby duties, and general household stuff and stays till almost bedtime till 8:30. I then proceed to give the baby bath and put him to sleep and help with cleanup. Wife is currently on mat leave, due to go back in Jan.

Our intimacy has never been great and even worse since the kid arrived. I have for most part been replaced by a vibrator because its likely less stressful. I don't understand why that would be the case when you have a husband who wants to be intimate...

I recently brought it up, and it led to a massive argument, she felt she was attacked. We have a lot of arguments, she complains that I am not sensitive to her emotions. I am argumentative I am told, maybe I am. But sometimes I just want to make sure she understands my POV, but she feels attacked. I have tried positioning therapy, but she turned it down because she feels that she may get attacked. Or she sayd thats all i care about.

All conversations end up or start with who is more tired.. Lately last 3 months I have been more considerate and being emotionally available by complementing, dates nights, walks etc... But the intimacy is not there.

I put intimacy, even non PIV as a way for us to connect, and she is the opposite and intimacy is low on the list.. I do genuinely love, but it feels its very hard for to get on the same page without emotionally hurting each other.

What would you suggest ?

And i feel like it’s eating away at me and our marriage

I feel like I’m just a utility now. Her attention and focus and conversations are all about Instagram and money now.
She barely shows emotion and love towards me I have to ask and I just overall feel neglected

I’ve spoken to her multiple times

It gets briefly better and then I start to feel the same

I’m a stay at home dad by choice for another 6-7 months so just not getting the attention and love from my wife makes me feel like crap

She’s trying to make money on the side using her channel but she’s a doctor and already earns enough

I don’t see why she needs to waste time on an instagram account to make few lousy bucks week if that at the cost of the relationship

My mother-in-law called us to let us know that she was going to renovate her house and that, for that reason, she wanted to stay with us along with her 5-year-old son (my partner’s half-brother) and his stepfather. At first, she just gave us that information, and we agreed, but when we asked how long they’d be staying, she told us it would be six weeks or more.

We live in a small, 60 m² apartment with two bedrooms and a single bathroom. The rooms are very open and connected, and it’s also very hot this time of year. She is aware of the conditions of our home, but she still decided that we were the best option.

We asked if they had considered an Airbnb, and they confirmed that they had, but ultimately felt it was better for everyone to be together. We declined the offer. She became very upset and tried to make my partner feel guilty. He feels that it’s his responsibility as a son to host them and that he’s doing the wrong thing by refusing.

In the end, it all turned into a drama. We argued, and at one point, he even mentioned that I had sent him to tell his mom “NO.”

Ultimately, my take on this whole situation is that they live with their grandmother, but she’s moving away, and then they’ll be left without anyone to watch their child on occasion or help with household chores.

All of this has me really upset.

Lately I’ve realized that my husband is severely incapable of basic human empathy and I’m not sure if it’s an undiagnosed mental illness. Some recent events:

1) I recently had a girlfriend stay with me for the past couple weeks as she’s been navigating a divorce. She’s had a rough life — abandoned as a toddler, sex trafficked as a teen, impregnated, forced abortion, abusive husband, etc. Despite all this, she has a beautiful and compassionate soul to the point it is almost unhealthy. I’ve been trying to teach her methods of self-care and enforcing boundaries. She is one of the strongest women I know. My husband, however, has called her human parasite, a street rat, scum of society, and said she has nothing to offer him nor to society with her lack of education and pedigree (she is a mixed Asian/black). When I say that I have empathy for her, he asks why I don’t have empathy for him, which strikes me as childish and competitive, especially considering he had almost a stupidly idyllic Hallmark movie of a childhood. He has insisted several times, “I do not respect her, yet I have been nothing but polite, which you don’t give me enough credit for.” He seems to not understand why I find issue with that statement.

2) as a white European man, he commented casually recently that he hates “gypsies”. When my friend pointed out the problematic nature of that term, he said, “You don’t understand, they’re barely human. They’re closer to animals. Maybe worse. They don’t deserve any respect.”

3) my friend is a WOC and often airs her grievances about white people, especially men. Sometimes jokingly, sometimes more seriously. This really triggers my husband who thinks it’s incredibly disrespectful and rude to tell a white man that she finds white men problematic. I have tried many times to explain the concept of systemic oppression, but he cannot grasp it and it’s not his responsibility to understand something his ancestors are not responsible for.

4) on the topic of forgiveness, my husband has stated he does not understand the concept. For the record, at 42 yrs old, he has zero, and I mean literally zero friends. At our wedding, he had absolutely no one to invite except family. He has a habit of cutting people off forever at the first sign of “disrespect.” (I have since found “disrespect” to mean a LOT of things.) When I asked why he doesn’t forgive them, he said, “you mean forget? I don’t know if I know what forgiveness actually means. Are the two not the same thing.” He also said he does not feel the desire to maintain friendships past the point of getting what you needed from it because it’s a waste of effort with little guarantee of ROI. (Ex: “Josh got me a job at a company. I thanked him. Why would I need to talk to him anymore? What purpose does that serve?”)

5) when I told him about my past sexual trauma such as my parents having sex in front of me throughout my childhood, sexual assault with an old boss, and some other Not Great Stories, his face was completely blank. No words. No affect. No nothing.

6) when I am sick, he does not offer care or help. Instead he gets annoyed. In our 7 year relationship, he has never once made me a meal. He did laundry one time and royally fucked it up so badly. His reply was, “You do it then.” Lately, I have been dealing with chronic back pain, so household chores have been difficult. He is not happy to help as he said it is not his job because he has a real job. I am unemployed at the moment, but I have been the breadwinner for 6.5 years of the relationship.

7) he will have blackout fits of rage where he does not remember things he has said or done. Therefore, he does not apologize for these instances because he believes they did not happen despite recordings or other people validating my experience. For example, he has called me a bitch, slut, whore. When I mention to him that his language was hurtful, he genuinely seems confused and shocked that he could ever say that. Even still, he does not apologize because his personal reality is that he does not remember and he thinks it’s wrong to apologize for things he does not remember.

To the public, he seems to be very cheerful and polite. His texts and emails to colleagues have lots of exclamation points and positive emojis. When I am out with my friends, he does outlandish gestures of footing the bill for big groups and then gets upset that nobody has made any attempts to become his friend.

I have wondered if he has low-grade sociopathy, but he does cry quite a bit and freely when it comes to personal issues. He feels that his only true friend in the world was his grandmother who passed a few years ago and he will break down thinking about her.

I have also wondered if it is low IQ. I mean this with no disrespect, but junior high level academic subjects are very difficult for him to grasp. He does not know much about the world or the logistics of building a life. The concept of a mortgage, retirement funds, taxes, finance are very difficult for him to understand. I’ve also had to explain to him that just because something is legal or not illegal doesn’t make it morally or ethically right. Ex: cheating on a spouse is not illegal, it is not right. Being a billionaire is legal, it is not right.

Is it possible for someone to learn empathy? What could be the cause of this? Just trying to understand how to navigate this. We have been in couples counseling. Husband has not been putting in the work, however.

I’m really really in a lot of emotional pain at the moment. My husband and I have been married for almost a year now, and we were dating for about a year and a half before we got married. I think about the first year we were long distance. I know it’s not very wise to rush into marriage. I won’t go too into detail about why we decided to get married so quickly, but one reason is I really thought he would be a good partner to raise children with because he is very smart and can be so gentle and tender. What I didn’t fully realize until about a month after the wedding though is that he has pretty bad anger issues. I can’t say that I didn’t see any red flags about his anger before the wedding, but I heard a saying once that makes sense in this case: red flags just look like flags when you’re wearing rose colored glasses. After moving in together, I truly thought that over time his extreme anxiety and mood swings and sudden anger would subside. Because when things are good, they are so so good. He is so funny and smart, we have great conversations and there are times that he looks at me and I can see so much love and tenderness in his face. He’s the first man I’ve ever loved, my first everything. I really thought that the pure dedication we both showed our relationship and the constant ways he has showed up for me and been there for me could get us through anything. Especially after we survived a seriously bad mental health episode I had, where my depression was so severe I wasn’t safe to be by myself and he kept me safe. He supported me through getting my medications sorted out and has been supporting both of us financially since I have been unable to get stable employment since moving to his country. I know he loves me very much and really wants to have a life together and raise a family. In so many ways and on so many occasions he has gone out of his way to love and support me.
That’s why it hurts so much when he gets so angry at me all the time. He is really prone to mood swings, and anger and frustration are a default response to a lot of stressors.

He has said things that really hurt my feelings, like that I’m really annoying, that I’m making him sick from how stressed I make him and I’m doing it on purpose, that it’s my fault he’s gained weight and isn’t in great shape like when we first started dating (these are all his words not mine. To me he has only become more beautiful since the beginning of our relationship as I have fallen more in love with him, and I always have expressed my attraction to him and tried to support him in healthy habits to make him feel better), that I make everything stressful and over complicated. And those are all just from last night. Last night truly was a breaking point for me. For context, at the moment we are taking care of some kittens that still need to be bottle fed and helped to move their bowels. As with taking care of infants of any species, this has come with a lot of stress, exhaustion and for me at least a lot of self doubt in my caretaking abilities as I’ve never done this before and I’m trying my absolute best to care for them. My husband absolutely loves cats, has rescued many over the years and he really wants the kittens to be okay. We’ve lost a lot of sleep and spent quite a bit on the kittens already. The stress alongside the kittens throwing off our normal schedule and me flailing to keep the house fed and watered has caused my husband to lose a lot of sleep. It’s been really hard. Everything I do for the kittens is met with criticism and anger. They had a lot of fleas on them and I was really worried about them losing too much blood to the fleas, but my husband was really worried that the bath would be too stressful and I could do more harm then good to the kittens. I just tried to keep combing out any fleas I found. After like two nights though I was just too worried and I grabbed the two most flea infested and bathed them with dawn dish soap and went over them really detailed with the flea comb. My husband was super angry with me and telling me that the kittens were all my responsibility and that it’s my fault if it goes wrong. His criticism was so severe and his anger so strong that I began to really doubt that I was doing what was best for the kittens and I stopped after those two kittens. I had prepared a new warm box for the clean kittens, and the two that had just been bathed were meowing a lot (I guess out of confusion from their new environment and not being with their siblings?) and he kept telling me that they would be too stressed out to have a bowel movement later on and that I may have really hurt them. I was so tired at that point, it was after 9 pm and I had barely any sleep the night before after their nighttime and early morning feedings that again I was so confused and self doubting that I put the clean kittens back with the flea having ones to calm them down and that was also met with a barrage of criticism and honestly mean comments. It’s exhausting how relentless he is when he’s worked up. I was bottle feeding the kittens as he stood over me yelling, demanding to know why I always make things so complicated. I kept calm and just asked him to please give me some space, please stop yelling at me, please stop swearing at me. If I wasn’t in such a good place mentally right now, I know for a fact that I would be having really dark and self destructive thoughts. Because for the majority of the past year we’ve been married, I heavily blamed myself for his anger. I truly did believe that I was being annoying, offensive, or stupid when he would get angry at me. But then as I started to really work on my mental health, helped in large part by consistently with my mental health medication and a long visit home with family, I began to realize some things. One thing being that I’ve moved around to a lot of places, lived with many different roommates from many different places over the years. And no one has ever gotten so angry at me, said such cruel things to me that were intended to hurt me, and actively been cold and uncaring. Except my father. Growing up my father was physically and emotionally abusive to my brother and I. I always told myself growing up that I wouldn’t end up with an angry man, that I was going to break the cycle that my mom had endured with her own father and husband (my father). But I was really naive and blinded by love when it came to my own husband.
I don’t know what to do. He’s so hot and cold, and honestly I’m just trying to ride the waves of his emotions without letting them pull me under. He’s had so many switches between loving me and hating me in just the past 24 hours. I’m happy that at the moment I’m in a healthy spot where I can realize that his emotions and responses to things are just completely out of my control, and that his anger and outbursts show his character not mine. I have been able to let his hostility kind of slide off my back recently instead of immediately blaming myself. If anyone has any advice on how to stay calm and collected in the face of unpredictable anger would be super appreciated.
I love my husband. I think he’s so smart, and thoughtful, and generous and funny. I really could go on and on for ages about how proud I am of his accomplishments, how loved he has made me feel, how he’s the first person to every make me feel loved body and soul. But he really wants a family, to be a dad. And I know that I cannot do that with him. I cannot bring children into the world knowing their father has anger issues. I would love to be a mother. Maybe this sounds like a crazy thing to say, but I love my little unborn babies too much to bring them knowingly into a house with an angry man. I would say that the biggest thing stopping me right now from just grabbing my bags and leaving are our animals. Aside from the kittens, we have a dog and two other cats in our house. I love them all very very much. The thought of never seeing them again truly causes me physical pain. But leaving would mean going to stay with a friend or family member, and no one I know is in a position at the moment to take me and a pet.
I don’t know. Just writing all that out was harder than I thought it would be, and I’m feeling really sad and tired. I just gotta stay focused and positive for myself and the babies. Any advice though would be really appreciated. Am I too naive to think that people can learn to manage their anger?

So, where do I go from here? Sorry this is long and all over the place :/ reposting but in this group since it feels more appropriate here.

TL;DR: I married young in an arranged marriage, moved to the US, and had 3 kids despite only wanting one. My husband is a good provider and loves his family, but I’ve spent years feeling more like his caretaker than his wife. I’ve lost my attraction, connection, and desire to stay, and I feel happier and more like myself whenever he’s away. Never explicitly said I want out but that I want to move back to Germany, but I’m financially and practically dependent on him. Where do I go from here?

I want to preface by saying I think he’s a good man to others. No one who knows him can really say otherwise — not family, not friends, not coworkers. But as a husband? Idk.

I married freshly 18, him 26. Odd to me but kind man. We were set up by our families. I moved from Germany to the USA. Both Asians. Didn’t want marriage, but was guilted into it by pretty much my entire family (except my dad). He was praised so highly that I thought “surely my family wouldn’t steer me wrong.” We didn’t get to know each other beforehand, which he was okay with. I had never been with anyone before, so he was my first everything.

We now have 3 kids, ages 6 to 1. I’ve been pregnant 8 times, despite only ever wanting my first child. He is very much “be fruitful and multiply,” so I was never able to get on birth control. I never had pocket money, so getting something OTC on the DL wasn’t an option.

Before kids, I noticed some bad habits but overlooked them because I could keep up with everything. The house was spotless, food was made on time 3x a day, plenty of sex, etc. I was basically an almost “perfect wife.”

I started realizing we didn’t really have much in common besides history, travel and old planes. We don’t really laugh together or have conversations I find engaging. There isn’t much of a connection on my side. I’m a shell of who I used to be.

He constantly tells me he loves me, spends crazy money on experiences for us, buys me gifts for every holiday and birthday, and is a good provider. I appreciate that he goes out of his way, but I’m not materialistic and none of those things he gets are things I want. People look at me and my marriage from the outside and tell how lucky I am and wish they lived my life. To me I think his mother and father skipped some steps when raising him.

Very quickly I noticed some really bad habits. Wiping dirty hands on clothes and furniture, occasional fart but frequent belching so loud unapologetically in public, clothes everywhere, poor hygiene, etc. I’m talking smelling his balls through his clothes, rancid feet from a distance, nasty BO. I had to teach him how to groom, use body soap, shower properly, talk to people respectfully, not leave food/trash everywhere, etc. Some of these things have improved a lot over the years, but I spent YEARS dealing with it and trying to establish boundaries that he didn’t respect.

I feel like he was my first child, so I never really had the chance to develop and maintain attraction and feelings for. He felt more like a live-in close friend than a husband.
I felt ready to leave about a year and a half into the marriage, but before opening my mouth I found out I was pregnant and basically thought “well, I’m stuck.” That mindset came from my Asian family and the whole “you have a child now, this is for life” mentality.

I also wanted to continue my education. He refused unless I paid for it myself because apparently who wants a wife with debt? But how was I supposed to pay for it if I wasn’t allowed to work either? He also didn’t let me learn to drive, so I still can’t drive.

My social life was basically him and his family. I tried to build a relationship with him in what was meant to be the honeymoon stage, but for a while he was constantly reminiscing about his ex and things they had done together that we should experience too. I felt like a third wheel to a ghost. His ex’s mom also used to butt into my life during our first two years just to remind me that I wasn’t the first. My husband wasn’t fussed when I told him to keep them away.

After my first child was born, the ex stuff stopped, but all the other issues remained.
Once my child was around 1, I started burning out. The house was no longer spotless 24/7. Dishes would pile up and the house would fall apart if I wasn’t doing everything. Even during postpartums. For years now, the house bounces between almost spotless and almost completely trashed. I know I’ve severely slacked in maintaining and I’m ashamed of it, but that’s honestly my reality.
Over the years I became incredibly resentful and angry while still acknowledging that he does treat us well and other good things. I’m a huge people pleaser and empath. Never wanted to be reason for anyone’s hurt so I was able to hide how I actually felt for a long time. About 2 years ago, I stopped being able to hide it.

I started really thinking about all the comments he made early in our marriage about my fertility, questioning my purity, being bothered whenever I wanted to bring up issues or want to have a life of my own, etc. It all started adding up. I’ve become a shell

The resentment is mostly gone now. So are the other feelings. I’m just tired.

Sex is a whole other thing.
I genuinely thought sex was overrated for basically my entire marriage, with the exception of maybe 5-7 occasions. I gave myself to him anyway because he’s my husband, and still do sometimes, but I try avoid it. I cannot get aroused by him at all. Even his natural smell bothers me now.

His hygiene is much better now. Some of the bad habits have improved or disappeared. He wants to focus on how he’s been a better man for the last 3 years, but that feels too late to me. I spent the first 5 years trying to teach/raise him while losing attraction and connection.

Housework/parenting is another huge issue.
I have always done 100% of the cooking and laundry. I order the groceries even when he acknowledges we need them. Basically all the housework is me. He does some vacuuming here and there and always takes the trash out but I must ask a few times.

I do 90% of the parenting — bathing, feeding, playing, managing them, routines, etc. His 10% is watching/teaching them sometimes and providing the fun stuff on family days out. He is convinced he does way way wayy more.

I’ve repeatedly asked him to help more. To cook 1-2 meals a week, help with the kids, do some housework on weekends, just whenever that’s easy for him. I’ve told him he can do things his own way and I’ve even shown him how things are done. He says he’ll help and asks what I need, but then never actually does it.

I serve him almost everything where he’s sat — food, snacks, drinks, etc. Half the time he doesn’t pick up the stuff. I’ve tried leaving it to see what happens. It’ll sit for days. He says it’s not a must and he asks because he feels comfortable asking me, but is genuinely shocked or bothered when I say no. I prepare food for him and the kids before I go out which is with his family members. Never alone. If not or I haven’t cooked then 8/10 times he’ll just not eat or order food for him and the kids. Apparently he’s always been obsessed with outside food.

The kids have been copying his habits too — wiping things on furniture or themselves, leaving food everywhere, leaving things around. I feel like a lot of my parenting efforts get undone when he’s around.

And honestly, the biggest thing I’ve noticed is how I feel when he travels.
Whether he’s gone for a few days or weeks, I feel amazing. I feel like myself again. The kids behave better. The house stays much more manageable. I’m calmer. I’m happier. I can breathe.

That realization has been really hard to ignore.
For the last 2 years, he’s noticed that I’m sad, annoyed, detached and that I don’t respect him the way I used to. But he doesn’t seem particularly concerned because he thinks changes like this are just part of a normal marriage.

I’ve told him I’m not in love anymore. I’ve told him I want to move back to Germany. I’ve told him I don’t want more kids. He gets genuinely upset because he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me.

His good:
- dependable in a emergency or whatever else seen as important
- adores his kids and would literally die for them. - has never raised his voice at me or raised a hand to me.
- He’s an amazing provider, earns well and spends money on building our future. He has improved a lot over the last few years.

I’m not trying to paint him as a terrible person :/ I feel bad writing this post. I know he has good qualities. I am by no means perfect at all. I can be short tempered, snappy, when not depressed - a little lazy. I’m trying to understand whether a marriage can or should continue when one person has reached the point where they simply don’t want to be in it anymore. Therapy isn’t an option :/

I’ve wanted out for years but no money, job, vehicle AND the baggage of 3 kids. I know he would be 100% blind sided if I ever have the strength to use the D word.

So… where do I even go from here?

Looking for the good and negative experiences

This is quite a hard thing to type out, but I'm hoping that doing so might be somewhat cathartic, and perhaps that someone on the sub could offer some advice.

I met a lovely girl in early 2025, I was still on and off with my ex at the time but more off than on (we weren't dating, so it wasn't cheating, but both very much stuck in a deep love that hadn't gone anywhere for half a decade).

We went on a few dates which were all fun, and after about 6 weeks we went for a weekend away and had a lovely trip, and sex for the first time. She fell pregnant from that first interaction, made marriage a condition of keeping the child (which I misguidedly wanted, thinking it would be the making of me), and I agreed to it.

Just one week before I'd decided to leave her. We'd only been dating a few months, she wasn't active for me, the vibe just didn't match and I wanted to make a go of it with my ex.

But when she found out she was pregnant it was like we got caught up in this folie a deux. I kept trying to escape, to run, but every time I'd speak to her she'd cry (not in a manipulative way, that's her right to be sad) and I'd do a full 180, 'you're right we can do this, we can make it work'.

We've been married for just over a year now, there have been times when I've felt love for her but they've been few and far between. There was never a honeymoon period, we're from completely different cultures and completely different kinds of people, had we met in a social setting I'd have probably had a polite chat with her and never gone beyond then, maybe if there was a spark, a one night stand.

We now have a 9 month old daughter, a new puppy and everything outside looks perfect. She's a really lovely and kind woman with a heart of gold, until recently the sex was good, but I'm not attracted to her or myself anymore, and I feel constantly unhappy. Ranging from suicidal to just wanting to run away, find a job in another country and send money home.

The trouble is, it's important to me to do the right thing and be a good man. That's why I agreed to marry her, that's why I can't leave and don't understand men who do, that's probably why we even ended up having a kid (even though it destroyed my ex whose probably the love of my life).

I feel like I've screwed everything up for myself, but I just don't want to hurt anyone anymore, except myself. So I need to either fall in love with her, or let go and think of the best way to show up.

An additional complication is that neither of us live in our home country, or are especially happy in the third country we live in. I think about moving is all back to my home country in the next 1-2 years, at least then my daughter will be rooted in my home and my culture, if it ends then it's easier to manage. On the flip side, I would feel terrible brining my wife further from home (I'm from a globally wealthy country though, she isn't) only for her to potentially not be with me... Of course I'd always look try to help her and my daughter.

Other times I think, it's just 17 more years. I'll be 50 when our daughter is 18. That's not old these days, just 17 years, she'll go to Uni and I'll leave.

Not sure if this is even something anyone can help with, and I hope I don't get downvoted to oblivion. I'm really trying my best to not cause harm.

My partner (40F) and I (35M) are thinking about having a threesome, and we'd love to hear from couples who have actually been through it — both the good experiences and the bad ones.

We've been together for almost 11 years, and like any couple, we've had our highs and lows. Our sex life is good overall. We don't have sex as often as we'd like, but when we do, the quality ranges from good to amazing.

We're considering trying a threesome because it's something we've both been curious about, but we want to approach it carefully.

For those of you who have done it as a couple:

What do you wish you'd known beforehand?
What are the biggest mistakes or red flags to watch out for?
What boundaries or rules helped you the most?
How did you handle jealousy or unexpected feelings?
Did it bring you closer together, or did it create problems in your relationship?
Is there anything you would absolutely recommend avoiding?

We really don't want this to negatively affect our marriage. We'd like to go into it as prepared as possible and make sure we're protecting our relationship first.

We're especially interested in honest experiences — including the ones that didn't go as planned.

Thanks in advance!

I (39F) married with my wonderful husband (38M) for 10 years. Each year, it's the same mental torture. His birthday comes and I don't know what to get him.

Over the years I bought him pocket knife, violin (he told me he always wanted to learn) multi-tool, watch, wallet, a gun alarm clock, stuff like that... None of it he used once.

None. He appreciates it but doesn't really like it and never use it.

So here I am again, in 3 weeks its his birthday and I don't know what to buy him. I'm dreading this each year.

He doesn't like restaurants or many outdoor activities except for hikes. He's a gun instructor.

We have 2 kids (3 and 5) so we're a bit limited with surprise trips and such.

I suggested once that we don't have to get each other gifts and his response was "why? Its nice..."

😑🫩

What to do? Please... for the love of god...

I found out the majority of the truth last week. There was no indiscretion.

I have met the friend and this poor young lady has been physically, emotionally, and financially abused. My husband and her kept their friendship secret because the rotten husband started to threaten anyone connected to her. He hired her to help with portions of his business to give her some money because the rotten husband was not paying her.

He was trying to protect me, so if anyone came asking questions or attempted to harass me, I literally would not know.

We had a long talk about how all this secrecy really did affect me, my mind made up so many stories to fill in the blanks. I was very uncomfortable and hurt on how this was handled. We're making steps to repair and honestly it is so nice having my husband back. Turns out he is exactly the man I married and that brings me comfort.

I'm helping this young lady to help her find a job and friends as I was in a similar position after my first marriage 20 years ago. She's smart and capable, she just needs a little help in a new country.

I'm glad I was able to contain my coolness, I have sought the help from a local therapist because this obviously brought up unresolved trauma. I'm also sleeping a lot better.

My husband has always been a little moody with me from time to time, which I think is normal in a marriage. But lately, he’s been on edge every single day, and it’s starting to affect our whole family.
He works nights, so I make sure he gets plenty of uninterrupted sleep and try not to bother him during the day. I also handle most things with the kids and around the house so he can rest. Still, when he is awake, it often feels like he’s looking for something to be upset about….eye rolls, rude comments, snapping at the kids, and criticizing little things.
I cook every day, take care of the house and kids, and try to be supportive, yet I constantly feel like nothing I do is enough. Even things he normally enjoys, like my cooking, sometimes become something he criticizes.
I initially wondered if there was someone else, but there really isn’t anything that points to that. His phone is always around and I’ve never found anything suspicious.
At this point, I’m wondering if other women have experienced their husbands suddenly becoming angry or irritable like this. For the men: is there something that can cause this kind of behavior? Stress, burnout, feeling overwhelmed, something else?
I’m not looking to immediately leave my marriage. I’d really like to understand what could be behind this and whether there are ways to improve things. SOS

Edit: i have talked to him in the past but he says hes just “stressed ” again , i listed the reasons why i feel like it might be more than that

And as far as sex, without tmi …thats not an issue at all in our marriage

First this is a long post so thank you to whoever reads it. I really need some help/insight. And I’m about to get a divorce I believe.

My husband and I are currently in the separation process. He has moved out and I’m talking to attorneys.
We’ve been together 13 years. In our 30s with young children. I’ve been a stay at home mom for the last 7 years but have now started working part time and searching for full time. I’ve spent a third of my life with this guy.

My husband has a pattern/history of gawking at other women. Never misses an ass that walks by. We were pretty young when we met so I figured he’d outgrow it but he never did. One thing that happened earlier on that I unfortunately overlooked was we went traveling together freshly dating in the honeymoon phase. We were in Europe for a month. There were beautiful women around obviously and he kept looking at them in obvious ways to the point that it made me so uncomfortable. We were at a cool castle checking it out and instead of it being a cool romantic experience he saw a group of girls he was eyeballing and then he walked up to me and whispered “I’m horny” in my ear. It was so destructive and he claimed that he understood and would change his ways. He said he has an addictive personality which includes sex/women. I was so beautiful and young back then looking back and he made me feel so low. I stopped seeing that in me.

I ended up getting pregnant and we moved in together. Honestly he love bombed me from the beginning until he had me hooked. He even joked that he got me pregnant so that now I couldn’t get away from him. I came from a bad home and I was very young. I loved him and wanted it to work out/wanted a family and I had no relationship skills so I just kept going and the further the years went by the more I said well I’ve already invested all this time and I don’t want to miss out on time with the kids. I had 2 more kids because I wanted kids/a family so much. I constantly hoped he turned around and thought he would if I continued to love him. I gained a lot of weight with each pregnancy and lost it each time. That’s just how my body was and the first time around he made fun of me and made jokes about me sinking the kayak. He also chose porn over intimacy and said it was because I’m nagging him. When that first baby came I remember him not doing anything. He would work and go to school but so did I. I did my school online and all the domestic work and childcare fell on me while he plays video games. Looking back I see how disrespectful and degrading that was. He would tell his friends I’m crazy and insecure and naggy. I remember taking stimulants back then just to keep up with life until my mental health couldn’t handle it and I got off of them. I do have a history of mental health problems like depression and anxiety. And I was abused as a kid.

In 2020 when we were about to have our second baby I became a stay at home mom while he worked and went to a program that would raise our income significantly. I decided to support him through that so that’s all he had to focus on while I took care of the house and kids. He didn’t have to so much as wash a dish, cook a meal, or use the washer ever. I took care of everything so he was comfortable and could just focus on his career. We decided I’d put mine on hold and when the kids are in school I would start mine. This arrangement made me happy. I was happy to care for our family and have the babies. And his upcoming income would be more than enough for us and we were looking at buying our first house.

Even at his program he made friends with all the pretty women which I knew was a given. He was messaging them around the clock and said it was for “resources”. I trusted him. I saw them sometimes studying together and I tried to be supportive. I took care of myself so I stayed for after the babies for him and looked nice for him. I never deprived him sex. I got pregnant with our third and last child. I then found out that he had a huge problem with pornography. That he often chose it over sex. That he even watched it at work and masturbated in the bathroom but whenever I told him things I’d like to try or turn me on he’d ignore that. He promised to work through that and improve our sex life. One of the women in the program became his bestfriend in the program as he called her. I don’t know what happened between them but as he was getting ready to graduate, and we were about to move to a new town with a new job and get our first house… his mom started calling him to her house and I found out that they privately talked about him and this woman’s relationship. She tried setting them up together (yes his family sucks too) and tried to get them to work at the same place at that town so we didn’t move.
I was pregnant. It absolutely crushed me. I told his mom off and decided to go no contact with her and his sister whom was also participating in that. I always tried to have a good relationship with them but once that happened I was done.

We moved but he blamed it all on me. Saying that his family is now upset with him too because of me. He started treating me like crap and he also relapsed. He was sober for many years then (before we met) and I got to see what he was like drinking. He started drinking and getting high around the clock. We tried intensive weekly therapy and it just kept going down hill. What was supposed to be a beautiful time for our family…a dream come true…was a nightmare. He drank for 3 years before he got sober. During that time he was working at his new big boy job with lots of attractive women whom he of course befriended. There were essays written to each other around the clock every evenings and on the weekends. He was “besties” with them. Inappropriate jokes and constant compliments. He’d also come back from work with cum stains in his underwear from jerking off at work. There was a woman there who he claimed was making moves on him like asking him out alone and commenting on his butt “for no reason” he said. Well it turned out that he was flirting with her too nor shutting down her advances and that he knew her longer than he told me he knew her. I also checked his messages and saw that he had asked 2 women to hangout years prior that he had interest in behind my back after I had our first child. He told me he was immature and he would change his ways. I believed him and the thought of losing him and breaking up our family was too painful so I stayed.

About 2 years ago a new woman came into the office that was going to share the room with him and be his work partner. He ended up having an emotional affair with her. Which was also physical because they ended up with her going into the rooms bathroom with him to do his hair. They did this a handful of times and he lied about it. And they hugged He claimed it was never physical but I don’t believe him based on all the lies. He swore that he never hung out with her outside of work and I found out later that he actually took her to the bar one day after work. Not sure if that was the only time.

A year and a half ago (at the end of their affair) I had a complete breakdown because I knew something was wrong. I contacted the woman and told her off. She then wanted to protect her ass so she went to hr and told them it was all my husband and he was fired. Not true it wasn’t all him she was a very willing participant and was the one to message him sexual jokes all the time and tried to get his attention by showing him half naked pictures of herself and telling him that her “boobs are too small”. They didn’t investigate though because they weren’t happy with his work anyway. Due to the drinking his work was already in poor standing.

So he never really left that job by choice or disclosed the truth with me by choice. I forced hand by getting him fired. When he got fired he was crying and apologetic. He told me he was so sorry and that he hated the job anyway and that his new job will be a fresh start for us. He got sober then and started therapy. He made lots of changes and started acting like a different man. He admitted to the fact that his family members were out of line and talked to them/got family therapy for that. They didn’t like that he “chose me over them” and stopped talking to him. Things were better but I knew something was wrong..I had a horrible feeling about that old job and that woman. I wanted him to tell me the truth of what happened beyond the hair. He said nothing happened for a year a half. Our relationship did improve. Our sex life improved and he kept saying it was due to stopping pornography which honestly I don’t believe happened because every once in a while I noticed he’d act weird and it would impact him (like sudden erectile dysfunction and not being able to finish). He claimed I was his preference and all that he wants but his actions always showed differently. I was also completely traumatized wondering if he was thinking of his affair partner back then all those times we had sex. One night he randomly told me how good tattoos on my thighs would look. This was so weird as I’ve never wanted tats there nor would I ever do that and he knows that about me. You guessed it…she has tattoos there. Gross!! Which he claims to only know that from seeing her pictures.

Now at his new job I just don’t trust him. It’s all women and he has to do ride alongs with them in the car all day to train them. He told me that he would check in with me and shared his location but that really doesn’t do anything. I just don’t trust him.

I tried making it work so much with him over the past year and a half. I didn’t want to break our family and everything we worked so hard on. We built our life from the ground up. But I felt that he was lying. I’ve been doing therapy myself and started to see my self worth more. A few months ago I said I was leaving. That I needed space from him until he told me the truth because I knew he was lying. He denied it for weeks with crying and pleading. Then it finally happened. So with a lot of pressure he admitted having an emotional affair with that woman. That he masturbated to her/got bricked up by her in the office, told her personal things and complained about me to her, took her to the bar, talked about sex and their bodies, talked about going to the pool together, when he was drunk he would send her messages about how thankful he was for such a friend, and they were exchanging hundreds of messages a month while having the affair. Looking at the old log was crushing. He also messaged with her on valentines night after I passed out. He then also disclosed flirting with women at work on a regular basis and told me that back in 2015 when I was pregnant with our first child he exchanged sexual images with a random girl in his gaming app. And the way he told me the truth was a slow and painful trickle truth where he gave me bits by bits on a weekly basis. I see now he’s a liar and a cheater.

A few weeks ago I asked him to leave and asked for a separation. I’m now looking at legal courses. I want to live at the house. I’m securing more work hours and childcare and I told him he has to find his own place and we will do 50/50 with the kids. My trust is gone. I can’t look at him the same. The last 13 years feel like a lie and every image and item from our life triggers me and brings painful memories by telling me our relationship wasn’t even what I thought it was. I’ve been doing it on my own for the past few weeks and I’m broken and sad but also feel a level of peace. I told him the separation will probably be headed for divorce. He told me I can have whatever I want. The house and financial assistance and that we hope we get back together. He keeps saying that we will get back together and I’m not sure if he’d be so generous once I file. I’m completely shattered. Most painful thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. But I can’t imagine doing another 10 years and then finding out he did it again.
I’m facing with what to do about our kids. I’m leaning towards it not being a good situation for the kids but divorce isn’t either.

I’m just broken. Completely crushed.

Thank you for reading if you did and any helpful tips, insights, or encouragement would be helpful.

My husband and I used to have exciting and frequent sex when we were dating, but it dwindled as we moved in together, got stressful jobs, had kids etc. Sex was unimportant and unpleasant for me for a long time. During my second pregnancy, my sex drive just shot through the roof and I had a sexual awakening. I thought I was just horny for sex initially but then realized I actually craved passion and connection. Suddenly I really wanted to work on our sex life. I had a talk with my husband and he wanted to do better. Things were improving but the thing is I am still not satisfied. Two things are lacking. One is I can’t orgasm. I can only cum in a specific way. He used to do a move to me and it would almost always make me orgasm. But over the years, he seemed less interested and has made comments here and there, nothing rude or insensitive, but it made me self conscious so I have stopped wanting it. Second is he just doesn’t seem too passionate. I am not talking about sex, just passion that shows he is hungry for me. He has hang ups on many things so being uninhibited doesn’t come natural to him. I am so frustrated and unsatisfied that I cry when I read spicy Reddit posts or after getting myself off with porn. I have communicated more since our first talk, but he doesn’t seem to get how sad I am. Just now, he suggested that I take my daughter for a mom and daughter weekend trip. Not a hotel night where we can experiment and lust over each other as a couple, just more motherly things I need to do. I know it comes well intentioned as he saw how sad I have been lately and I would love that, but how come he doesn’t get that’s not what I need right now?! If anyone has ideas of how to help with the communication I am all ears.

You ask your partner to watch the kids while you take a shower. You have not communicated how long you'll be gone. How long is a reasonable shower?

Under 10 minutes

10–20 minutes

20–30 minutes

30–45 minutes

45–60 minutes

An hour+

You never orgasmed during it?

I’m pretty sure the answer is no.

I’m going to have another conversation with my husband btw.

I’m just so lost and it’s really impacting my feelings towards him in general. I’m turned off.

We have been married for 21yrs. Met young. Completely my fault but for the first 18ish years I faked it. Now, at 44yrs old, I want to be fulfilled!!! I’m sick of having sex just for him. I get a text every week asking if I’m available on “said day” for sex. I have told him things to do in the bedroom that would turn me on. He never did any of it. I told him I don’t have organisms during sex he said he bought a vibrator. That was over a month ago and I haven’t seen it. Also, I can do it myself, no problem 🤷🏼‍♀️.

So…men? What’s the deal? What do I need to do to help him understand?

I am a married man. Married since 5 years. I absolutely love my wife, no doubt there. She bought the best in me. But I also have a really close friend before my marriage. Although I never crossed the line with her before, I always adored and loved her. we have great chemistry. I never popped the question to her because she doesnt like marriage and I wanted to marry and settle with one person. Assuming she is not the settling down type, I chose to marry my wife. Life has been awesome for last 5 years. I had no doubt I made the right decision but I am not able to take my friend out of my mind. I keep missing her company day by day. I keep craving for her company. I don’t understand this conflict within me. How and why am I able to love 2 women at the same time? What to do?

32F, I frequently travel in Mumbai local these days. I see women chatting continuously or on video calls with bf or simply on phone call. Now I may sound weird but where do people usually find gf or bf.

My spouse and I have been married 16 years. We have two teenagers. My spouse got fired in December 2024 from a job that earned two and a half times my salary. Spouse was the breadwinner and was doing things that would get anyone fired. I expressed that I was concerned for their job due to the behavior and they kept doing it anyway. Spouse has been looking for work at varying degrees of effort since, and not to a degree I find acceptable. There have been interviews but no offers, and we are both very aware of how bad the job market is in our industry right now.

I started a new job with a big bump in pay since my spouse was fired, but I’m still only bringing home a fraction of what my spouse used to. Our savings are all but depleted and I don’t know how we are going to get through the end of October. I have no fallback except for some credit cards that will only buy me time and debt.

Spouse gets curt and shuts down when I talk about financial troubles or their inability to get a job. It’s so frustrating when they do that and I feel alone in solving this. If I say I feel alone in solving this, they say, “Well, how do you think I feel!?” I want to set boundaries but I don’t even know where to start. I love this person deeply and am sick of this.

I can’t understand what they think is going to happen that will make us stable or just get basic bills paid this fall. If I had been behaving this way, I wouldn’t sleep a wink until I had SOMETHING to generate some income. If I push that their job-related efforts are inadequate, then I am treated as though I am being insensitive and unreasonable. It’s bizarre.

I really would like advice on boundaries, not their job search. Their job search is theirs at this point. We have already addressed:

-therapy

-mental health meds

-sleep apnea treatment

-referrals throughout everyone we know’s networks

-every job board ever

-retail job (they got let go for requesting a week off work to do childcare while I was on a business trip)

-gig economy jobs

-selling plasma

-unemployment payments

-selling valuables

-other horrors of capitalism