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admittedly part of this is depression, but it has never not even when i (F35) was doing better, not been an issue.

How do people wake up to a new day and actually have a bunch of things they want to do, and just do, to fill it? and find this all worth repeating, for decades?

i am in good physical health (i don't work out but have always been skinny, i eat relatively healthy, etc). i have a job that pays a comfortable middle class income, though living in a HCOL area, it doesn't buy a middle class lifestyle, but aside from safety for work-ending disability, retirement, and real estate a family could live in, it buys what i need month to month without issue.

what i don't have is a social circle. no big falling outs or repulsive traits, i drifted from most people over my 20s and struggle to make/deepen new bonds. as a result i am crushingly lonely. and i have no motivation to do anything, because i would be doing it alone and that just takes the motivation out of it (my one exception is seeing concerts / playing piano). i can be on a staycation for a week, and barely leave my flat for more than grocery shopping or seeing relatives maybe, just because it doesn't appeal. to be clear i'm not 'afraid' of doing activities on my own, i have done it in the past, including solo traveling or whatever (and those groups-of-strangers trips), i just can't be arsed. i genuinely don't enjoy most sports

some people are homebodies. that entails being happy with this situation. i could make a list of things to do within a 1hr drive, and be totally free when off from work and... just not do them. because there is no reward. it doesn't feel good. food can also taste good but not feel good.

is this all there is? go to work because you have to, go home, find yourself some hobbies (and i do at least love mine, but my wageslave status means i will never own a home - or access to some other space - i can play music in for more than 1-2 hours, when i easily could enjoy that), and kill time alone doing nothing worthwhile otherwise ? i don't live in some big metropolis (or the USA in general) and meetups and stuff like that is not very fruitful here. likewise hobbies, you may think people want to connect with those who have similar interest. no. they do those things to escape from the horror of spending time with their family and friends, so they can be alone, in parallel with other people in a public place (say a gym or dance class), but absolutely not to meet and socialize more. if you don't have your school years friends, a spouse, and kids, by 30, you are pretty much doomed to never connecting with anyone again.

TLDR : every day is the same lonely slog, the few things i enjoy i can't really afford the space to do enough of, and connecting with others is impossible. getting up and out of bed in this context is extremely unappealing, every single day. AND this is without having what people call 'major issues', i.e. my life could get infinitely worse easily. i am only 35 and feel both too old to be this stupid that i can't fix my life (but i genuinely feel blocked from it) and too young because the years ahead are so goddamn long, and they'll get even worse.

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