I've been seeing this girl for about a month and we went on three dates. I thought things were going pretty well. Our first date was just supposed to be drinks but we ended up staying for hours. She suggested the second date, and after dinner on our third we walked around for another hour just talking.

We were also texting pretty regularly between dates, nothing crazy, but she'd send me random things that happened during her day and we'd joke around. We kissed, there was definitely flirting, and at one point we were even talking about a place we wanted to try next weekend. So I wasn't sitting there wondering if she was interested. I thought she was. Then yesterday she texted me saying she had a really nice time with me but didn't feel the spark she was looking for. I told her I understood and left it at that, but it caught me completely off guard.

I'm not mad at her and obviously I'd rather she tell me now than drag it out. I just genuinely don't know what I read wrong. I walked away from our last date thinking I'd probably see her again.

Has anyone been on the other side of this? Can you have a genuinely good few dates with someone, be attracted to them and enjoy talking to them, but still suddenly realize something is missing?

I figured I would ask here. I recognize that dating is different everywhere in the world, and what might seem normal to some, is a cultural clash with what I may believe, so it may be that I am just weird about this.

My friend is 30F and her fiance is 38M. They're both German, and live near Munich. They got engaged last year, and the wedding is planned for next year. My friend works as a teacher and has a small business on the side. She makes maybe 70k€ or so annually. Her fiance on the other hand has inherited a huge amount of money, and works at his dad's business that has a turnover of tens if not hundreds of millions. So yes, there is a financial gap between the two.

I've never been in a relationship with that big of a gap in finances, but in my experience, when I've dated someone who has made significantly less, I have been happy to pay for the dates. Similarly, when I was a full-time student, and my ex was working, he was paying most of the rent. I think it's fair to expect both people to contribute something (whether it's financially or otherwise), but this situation with my friend is way different.

Recently, her car has been malfunctioning and now she's commuting via the bus for work, 1.5 hours each way. Her fiance has 4 cars, but those are "his" so she cannot even borrow one. They're all fancy Porsches, Mercedes, etc, and hers was a beat up old Kia she has had since early uni.

They live together in a house that is paid off by him and his family, but she is expected to pay him 1200€ rent monthly. For...? Living there.

Whenever he dines out with his friends, he pays for them, but for her, he will pay for groceries and things, but never take her out on fancy dates that he can very comfortably afford. Same with holidays. He will go on her dream holidays with his family, and she can't go because she reasonably cannot afford to drop 30k€ on a holiday. So she stays home.

She doesn't really get material things for birthdays. Only a card from him, maybe some baked goods, chocolates, etc. For Christmas, he mostly has bought her things that she can use around the house (that are not hers). She's into the gym, so he got her a treadmill. He has gotten her kitchen appliances, had the bathroom renovated in a color she preferred, but nothing that she can essentially take out of the house that's really hers. All while he'll buy himself a Rolex or a huge gaming set for Christmas or his own birthday.

For the record also; my friend doesn't like luxury purchases, loves vintage stuff, and doesn't want super expensive things. But she loves things like books, different minerals and stones, etc. She'd be perfectly happy with things like that. From what I reckon,she spends more money on him than he does on her.

Recently, he has been setting up his own side project, an online shop. She has helped with packaging the orders, and in compensation, she hasn't gotten equity, but he has paid her 7€ per hour for packaging the stuff, reducing it from her monthly rent.

I honestly am concerned. Whenever my friend brings this up, she'll say she loves him, and understands, but at the same time, I can see how it affects her. Especially because I am sure she'd do anything for him.

So my question is – how normal is this really? Do some people, even with a huge financial gap, split finances like this? To me it seems insane. If I had a fiance who would have to commute insane hours and I would have several cars, of course I'd let them use one of mine. I don't know. Perhaps it's a cultural difference somehow. Enlighten me.

Edit: A lot of the people are calling my friend a golddigger. She's a lot of weird things, but that's surely not one of them. All of her previous partners were regular people, not wealthy. Fellow students and whatnot. She is also an extremely generous person, even with her fiance although tbh he doesn't deserve it based on how he's treating her. I would say, in my opinion, she's too generous. She has previously helped many other people financially, even when that has itself forced her to skip meals and whatnot.

I forgot to say in my initial post, and perhaps this offers some context as to why she's putting up with this. She has never had a family. She was abandoned at a young age, was in and out of foster homes. She never had behavioral issues in terms of breaking the law, but she has always been gullible. Also, she's the most optimistic person I know, scarily so sometimes; she sort of thinks that everyone is a good person, even when they're not.

She's neurodivergent too, specifically, autistic. She lacks the understanding of social cues, although she is very smart in other ways; for example, she was doing math olympiads all throughout university, and always quickly understands puzzles and any math-y problems. But she struggles with social interaction, and has told me before she cannot decipher people's intentions even when she tries.

She doesn't talk about it a lot, but there's also a dark part of her past. When she was a teenager, she was human trafficked. She has been in therapy about it as far as I know, but she still to this day, tends to think that it would've not happened had she made different choices (ie blaming herself). She sort of has this things that whenever bad stuff happens to her, in her eyes, it's because of something that she did. It saddens me to see sometimes how little she thinks of herself.

So yeah, being with this guy isn't about money for her. She truly loves him, and whenever I ask why, she goes on and on about how he helped her to get out of a dark place when they met, and how he motivated her to continue her studies, etc. She thinks he's the best thing in the world, but I can't help but see how she looks sad sometimes when it's brought up how he treats her financially, especially given how much she has helped him grow his business projects, packaging, building websites for him, doing data analytics for him. She also takes care of the house, cleaning, their dog, everything.

Before anyone asks, yes I’m going to make the first move!! I have no problem with that, I’m very confident in myself

I’m more so wondering what I can say to maybe swing the odds in my favor. The last time I asked a guy out I was hyperfeminine. Now that I’m a tomboy (short hair, more masculine interests and clothing, 5’7”), I’m worried i’m going to seem like a creep for even considering asking this guy out

For context he’s in the same class as me and we haven’t spoken to each other but he’s very very attractive. I want to at least get his number. Am I overthinking it?

Just an open conversation since I have been sitting with my thoughts..

A few months ago I came out of a bad relationship that left me a wreck and completely incapable of even thinking about dating for months / almost a year.

Friends have tried to encourage me, and after a nice summer where I finally started being myself I gave it a chance by being open and flirty when I go out.

I don't necessarily go for one night stands but I don't also want a long term or something really serious right now.

But after 2 one night situations, I think this is not for me 😅

Both times I got this attachment that makes me feel weird to spend a night with somebody and then never talk again?

I think because I obviously liked both of those 2 men (otherwise I couldn't), the attraction stays and feel a bit weird that we didn't stay in touch.

Now I had a fling at a festival and keep thinking about him....

I want to be a little bit careless and have fun, but maybe I will end up feeling bad doing this.

I feel men can handle this better.

Do you feel the same or are you good at seperating emotions and keeping the boundaries?

I'd like to preface by saying I don't care who sees this. I'm not embarrassed and not ashamed as a man to keep things real and be vulnerable here; just gonna vent and be on my way, but appreciate anyone who takes the time to read.

Today is my actual 35th birthday, yet I've never had a girlfriend or real relationship before; haven't even been able to go on a simple first date in almost 4 years. While I am eternally grateful to have made it another year on God's green earth, I am incredibly lonely. Nothing could have ever prepared me for just how lonely and left out I would feel as a 35yo single man.

Unfortunately I was just a late bloomer and kinda shy during my school years. Outside of a couple meaningless lucky tinder hookups in my late twenties, my dating life or lack-thereof has pretty much been non-existent ever since turning 30. I'm no longer that shy kid, but never in a million years did I ever imagine it would actually be this difficult to meet someone and connect as an adult...at least for me. I don't expect every woman to be attracted to me just like I'm not going to be into every woman either, but here in Washington State it feels like I'm at the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of people who are attracted to me back. I'm not sad that I'm single, I'm sad because I can't even get a foot in the door to get the process started.

I listened to everyone who said it will happen when you least expect, don't force anything, or you'll find it when you aren't looking...alas here we are. Clearly at this point it's me, I'm the problem. Maybe I'm too boring, too nice, not tall enough, not confident enough, lacking sex appeal, not charming enough...idk, but obviously there is something wrong me that myself or my friends cannot see.

I do however get complimented all the time for being handsome, intelligent, "hilarious", chill to be around and just an overall good man. For whatever reason though, I can't for the life of me attract a woman. I approach respectfully and shoot my shots like everyone else, but it's literally never mutual. Have I missed some opportunites because I was too shy or not feeling it that day...absolutely I admit that. I've also probably turned some women off through this trial and error over the years by mistake. Not every interaction needs to have an outcome or lead to something, but how can not a single one stick?

Even as recently as yesterday I went to my local climb gym in Seattle to chill. I talked to a few people and even made a new guy friend. I also saw this girl that struck me like a lighting bolt; she was just incredibly beautiful to me. I approached, introduced myself and we ended up climbing/chatting for 2 hours together. Towards the end, I told that guy and her I was heading out and asked if they wanted swap info and connect later. She did end up having a boyfriend and nothing wrong with that but holy crap, does everyone I talk to have a boyfriend in 2026? She did add me on Insta so at least that means she enjoyed my company. Even after I left I saw another dude right after me approach her too. 🤣

I'm not this super extroverted social butterfly, but I'm also no pushover. I stand up for myself, I'm assertive with what I want and I've definitely tried many times, more than any man should have to try if I'm being honest. I know as the man it's on me to approach, otherwise no woman will ever magically fall into my lap. I try to stay positive and I try to maintain some level of confidence, but it's so hard dealing with rejection after rejection for years without a shred of success to keep me going...nothing but God's gift of mental fortitude and my wrist tattoo that says patience.

Yes I've done the introspection, yes I've been to therapy, yes I've asked friends for advice. No I'm not this creepy gremlin chasing after women as they come out of parking lots. No I'm not this ego jerk with an awful personality or bad hygiene living at home playing video games all day. I'm a normal freaking dude who smiles, goes outside, puts effort into his appearance and stays active to maintain a halfway decent body; I've even been toned with abs before. I travel around, I go to church, I attend social groups, I work my ass off at my stressful sales job and still have time to raise two cats and write my cook book.

People hear my story and the only thing they can assume is "he must be desperate or his personality is bad". It's demoralizing, it's frustrating, it's dismissive of my experience and worst of all it seriously effects your mental health dealing with years of this crap. I just want a hug at this point; not a pity side hug, a genuine this person actually cares about me, HUG.

Over the years I’ve been to bars, nightclubs, speed dating events, singles mixers, board game nights, salsa dancing, joined outdoorsy hiking groups and meetups on Facebook. I’ve tried dating apps like Hinge/Tinder and even alternative ones like Feeld where people are supposed to be more open-minded. I've been to comedy shows, amateur karaoke nights, run clubs, bouldering gyms etc etc. I’m not doing these activities just to make trying to meet women my entire life, but because I genuinely enjoy trying new things; jack of all trades I guess you could say. I just assumed I would naturally hit it off with someone one day and that special girl would be drawn to my energy.

I've even traveled around and took vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, California, Vancouver and Vegas just name a few. I'm just so tired of people asking me "so who are you going with" when I travel. The answer is no one because I date myself, I love myself and I've always had to do everything in life by myself: dinners, movies, hikes...I was never going to put my life on hold just because I hadn't met someone yet.

I'm just tired, so tired of being alone. No amount of hitting the gym or the occasional bar night out with the homies can replace that normal desire for company from that special woman in your life; not to mention intimacy...like my God, I miss physical touch; not even sex, just a cuddle or a hug would be be nice. Yes I enjoy my solitude sometimes and definitely not codependant enough to settle for the wrong woman, but at some point I'd like to know what it's like on the other side too ya know. To have someone be excited to see me after a long work week, to have texts hitting my phone, to cuddle during a movie, to go to dinners and share stories about our day, just experience some basic companionship. 🥺

I'll close this long-winded vent by telling you all a quick story.

This weekend is the start of the state Fair in my area. This was always a favorite time of year for me because evey year I stayed positive and told myself, this will finally be your year to take a cute girl to the fair; to hold hands, share an elephant ear and ride some rides together." Obviously it never happened, but last year I tried to take myself anyway to have fun. After 30 minutes of being there sitting in the food court eating a burger at a bar, I had to find a private spot to go cry because of how lonely it was. Me, a 34yo man bawling his eyes out in a corner as I watched all the couples hold hands and kiss in-between rides. It was so unintentional and uncontrollable I didn't know what came over me. I had to leave and then cried some more in my car.

I know no one on Reddit can help me. I'm also not expecting a future girlfriend to solve all my problems or fill some void, but gat damn, it sure would be nice to know what it's like to be a desired human being...just for once in my life.

I know from the bottom of my heart there is someone out there for everyone, I just wish I could meet her.

I wanted to know what people thought about a big age gap when dating someone. I’m 33 and he’s 51. We get along really well. Does anyone have experience with this?

He’s divorced with three daughters in their twenties. Has a good career. Lives 30 miles away. We met on eharmony because I honestly can’t mesh with anyone where I live. Smaller town. I don’t want to meet someone in a bar. I’m sure that’s happened and things have worked out for people, but in the same breath I feel like it’s not the type of beginning I’d personally want.

We have talked for a couple days. It’s going well, and I’m not putting the cart before the horse, I’m not a thirsty person, definitely taking my time. But before I went further, I did want opinions.

Shoot!

I’ve been seeing this pattern constantly and it really makes me think.
It opened my eyes for some things and I really want to talk about it.

And just to clarify: I’m going to describe this pretty technically on purpose, i want my point to be clear. This isn’t necessarily how I personally date or choose people; I’m trying to describe a pattern I’ve been observing and understand whether other people notice it too.

I don’t mean the usual “men will sleep with women they wouldn’t date” thing purely in terms of looks/sex/compatibility etc.

I mean the social side of choosing a girlfriend.

I’ve noticed men who are pretty ordinary themselves with average/middle-class jobs, not wealthy or exceptionally successful, seem to choose serious girlfriends who have a certain kind of socially desirable life around them.
By that I mean things like: she has a good social circle, travels, has friends and connections, comes from a respected or interesting background, is socially polished, has hobbies/accomplishments, is well-liked, gets validation from other people and generally looks like someone whose life is “going somewhere.”
She may not even be particularly rich or professionally successful. It’s more that she has social capital and looks good as the woman he publicly chose.

Meanwhile, another woman may be attractive enough for him to sleep with, talk to for months, have a situationship with, seek attention from etc., but he never seems to seriously consider her as his girlfriend.
It makes me wonder whether it always works like that for most men.

Like the two different thresholds:

Private attraction versus Public partner selection

Or in other words:
“Do I like her/ want sex / enjoy her company?”
And
“What does having her as my girlfriend say about me? Does she fit into the life/image I want? Does being associated with her increase my social standing or give me access to a better social world?”

Again, I don’t mean some billionaire looking for an heiress. I mean completely normal men potentially caring about the social value of the woman they publicly commit to.

Has anyone experienced this from either side? Especially women who noticed men were happy to keep them in a situationship but then committed to women who were more socially validated, connected, polished, popular, had a more desirable lifestyle?

I’m especially interested in men answering too:
Do you take into account how socially ‘well-matched’ you look with a woman when you decide whether to make her your girlfriend?
Like, not just whether you’re attracted to her privately, but whether she fits your social circle, lifestyle and public image and whether you look like a ‘good match’ to other people?

I’m genuinely curious about women’s perspective on dating today, although I’d also be interested in hearing men’s experiences.

If we put pure physical appearance aside for a moment, what actually makes a man stand out to you when you’re getting to know him?

Whether it’s through a dating app, Instagram, a first date, or after talking for a while,
What are the things you tend to notice the most?

Is it confidence, humor, communication skills, intelligence, ambition, the way he carries himself, style, emotional maturity, initiative, charisma, the ability to listen, independence, or something completely different?

I’m also curious whether you think dating has changed in recent years. With dating apps and social media, people have access to more options than ever, so sometimes it feels like simply having good chemistry and a pleasant conversation might not be enough anymore.

And on the opposite side, what can immediately make you lose interest even if you initially find him attractive?

Just tell me about your experiences and what you’ve encountered while dating.

Genuine question for the women here.

I’ve heard over and over that most women on dating apps get hundreds of matches. That number alone makes me wonder how anyone actually enjoys the experience.

With that many people in your inbox, how do you even filter through them to find someone worth talking to? It seems like it would get overwhelming really fast. Who has the energy (or desire) to message that many people every day just to try and find one decent connection?

I went looking through some of the dating app subreddits the other day and they were completely flooded with men’s profiles. Almost no women posting. That just reinforced the feeling that the whole thing is pretty lopsided

Online dating should, theoretically, have made life easier for us, but being as competitive as it is, one now has to have such a perfectly curated profile, a great sales pitch and group pictures of "fun" activities that it leaves us behind just as much as real life ever did, unless one is fortunate enough to be attractive. I can't write a decent "bio" to save my life, since I never really contemplate myself as a package for the outside world. I do what I do and I don't care what people make of that.

It's also contributed to the diminution of real-life opportunities to meet women in an introvert-friendly environment, where we might not have to approach someone and start a conversation from nothing, which is anathema to us, of course. There was even a time when it could be suggested - with a straight face - that even a less attractive introvert fellow could hope for a less introvert girl to take the lead and help out a bit but those were the days of greater opportunity.

Singles and social events are torture because conversation feels forced and the entire atmosphere is one of pressure and expectation - invariably. Being an introvert makes small-talk or talk of only generic interest utterly unbearable. Specific interest events seem to be getting rarer and rarer. For someone willing to do a great deal but within the bounds of introversion, it's getting more and more hopeless and impossible to see a way around it.

I don’t think having sex on the first date is inherently a bad thing, even if you’re looking for a serious, long-term relationship.

If the chemistry is there, you both feel comfortable, and you genuinely want to, why does the timing automatically determine whether the connection has long-term potential?

I also think there’s a compatibility aspect to it. If someone is going to lose respect for me or decide I’m suddenly “not relationship material” because we both chose to have sex on the first date, then we probably weren’t compatible in the first place. I wouldn’t want a long-term partner who holds me to a standard they don’t hold themselves to.

Obviously nobody should feel pressured to have sex early, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with waiting. But I don’t think waiting makes a relationship more legitimate, just like having sex early doesn’t make it less legitimate.

Sometimes you meet someone and the chemistry is just there. If you act on it and they judge you afterward for doing the exact same thing they participated in… they’re probably not your person anyway.

A relationship that’s actually going to last should be built on compatibility, respect, communication, shared values, and how you treat each other afterward not what date you first slept together.

EDIT: As a woman, I’m just tired of hearing that having sex on the first date somehow makes a woman less valuable or less relationship material. A lot of men will gladly sleep with a woman on the first date if they get the chance, but then turn around and judge her for doing the exact same thing they did. (Not all men, of course. I’m more referring to the amount of responses I’ve seen from all kinds of people and genders saying that women are somehow less respectable or desirable if they sleep with someone on the first date.)

That double standard makes no sense to me. If you both wanted to have sex, why is her character suddenly the one being questioned? Sleeping with someone early doesn’t automatically make a woman desperate, easy, or less deserving of respect.

Heyy, so this was the 2nd date with this nerdy handsome guy, i liked him because he was cute and intelligent but he used to ask so many stupid questions just out of insecurity

So on this date i was showing him pictures from my last trip and he came across a bikini pic and he got so mad about it. I tried to explain him that its completely normal and i worked out consistently for last 6 months to get into shape to wear bikini on a beach. But i could see disappointment on his face.

We were in an expensive cafe in blr and he told me that he had to go to the washroom and guess, he never came back. He switched off his phone. I looked for him but couldnt ask staff otherwise it would have been embarrassing for me. I didnt know what to do, i paid the bill and came back.

I dont know what happened but a day after he blocked me.

Now he texted me again and is asking me to meet.

Edit: guys i am so pissed off i want to post my bikini pic on insta without replying to him ahhgghhh, please can i do it? I want to do it so badly

I’m 31, and I have no one right now to fall for, love, or share my life with.

I’ve been very serious about my career and ambitions for most of my 20s, and somewhere along the way I feel like I lost some of my best dating years. I always thought there would be time for relationships later.

Now sometimes I look around and wonder if I’m behind.

The strange part is, after chasing professional goals for so long, I’ve started realizing something about myself.

I still want to be successful, but I think I have a stronger desire to be loved than I have a desire to be successful.

I want someone beside me. Someone to care about, grow with, talk to at the end of the day, and just have that feeling of “this is my person.”

For those of you in your 30s, do you ever feel this panic too?

Or do you genuinely believe there’s still plenty of time and that things can get better?

Hey everyone. I'm in a situation that I honestly didn't see coming, and I could use some honest advice.

I'm 31M, she's 30F. We matched on Hinge about a month ago and we've been on three dates so far. Each date has been really good – great conversation, good chemistry, lots of laughing. She's smart, funny, has a good career, and we seem to want similar things in life. I was starting to feel like this could actually go somewhere.

Last night on date three, we were having dinner and she got a little quiet. I could tell something was on her mind. She took a breath and said she needed to tell me something before we got any further. Then she told me she has a 4-year-old son. She said she usually doesn't bring it up right away because she wants people to get to know her first before making any judgments, but she felt like she owed it to me to be honest now since we've been getting closer.

I didn't react badly in the moment – I told her I appreciated her honesty and that I wasn't judging her. We finished dinner, had a normal rest of the night, and I walked her to her car and kissed her goodnight like usual.

But now I'm sitting here the next day and I honestly don't know how I feel about it. On one hand, she's an amazing person and I really enjoy spending time with her. Her having a kid doesn't change who she is. On the other hand, I've never dated anyone with a child before. I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of responsibility, or if I even want that at all. I'm 31, I'm still figuring out my own life, and the idea of being a stepdad or even just being in a kid's life feels like a lot.

I don't want to be that guy who walks away just because she has a kid – that feels shallow. But I also don't want to lead her on if I'm not all in. She deserves someone who's fully okay with it, not someone who's unsure.

I guess I'm just wondering: has anyone else been in this situation? How did you figure out what you wanted? And is it unfair to keep dating her while I'm still trying to figure out how I feel about this?

Thanks for reading.

I thought I was being ghosted, turns out they forgot about me instead?

This is with someone I’ve been on 3 dates with after talking for a bit on the dating apps.

How do you forget if you actually replied or not to someone you’re dating?

People say confidence, confidence, confidence.
People say it all the time. I get that it’s attractive but it feels like the more people say it, the more it just sounds like a prerequisite before you start dating.

I can’t speak for women on this part but, as a guy it feels any time this comes up it’s being directed towards a guy. Me included.

The more I hear it the more it feels like it’s regurgitated wisdom. I don’t even say that without having been confident either. And also avoid treading on the line between confident and cocky.

Another reason I feel this way is that it feels like confidence is useful in the beginning but later on when you ask people what they liked or loved about their partner, they speak about their other traits. Not that they were confident.

And when put in that way, it makes it sound like confidence is just a neon sign to attract people to the restaurant to get you in. And now that you are in, the sign isn’t needed any longer.

And lastly… if you are faking it til you make it, it just feels disingenuous or putting on a disguise. Maybe eventually the disguise becomes part of the identity. But until then, the confidence is a front covering the underneath that if you show to your partner it makes the front less believable. And where’s the emotional availability in that?

So… I’m asking is it really the silver bullet? Or do people just go with alternative advice and just be yourself? Cuz at least that line of thinking would self filter out people who aren’t right for you.

I'm a woman and I keep hearing my female friends talking about how they were "the one who got away " when it comes to thier exes . And I honestly feel like this term isn't true or isn't as how people make it to be

The term basically means the girl a guy fumbled and she left and now he is spending the rest of his life thinking about her . I honestly think it's ridiculous and almost impossible for someone to keep thinking about thier ex forever. I think the term just means regret but for some reason people on the Internet turned it into some kind of fantasy

Some girls brag about it but I honestly think it's nothing . The guy doesn't think about you and want you back it's just regret they carry and they only wish to go back and change it so they can finally calm themselves and get rid of the thoughts

Most of the time the girl the guy thinks about doesn't have to be an ex . It's mostly a girl who was sweet and nice to them that they remember even if it was a random cashier girl or a girl on the street or maybe a friend

Had plans to go out on a third date with a girl tonight that we’d arranged a few days ago. We hadn’t spoken for two days, so I messaged her an hour and a half before just to check we were still on, and basically she’d assumed it wasn’t happening because we hadn’t spoken today and she now couldn’t.

I just said no worries, another time. Figure the ball’s in her court now, if she was genuinely still interested and it was just a misunderstanding, she can suggest another day. If not, fair enough, message received.

The problem now is I’ve already told my family I was going out because they’d been asking what I was doing tonight, and I cannot bring myself to suddenly be like “actually never mind, I’m staying home” and explain that I’ve just been stood up.

Now I’m just sat in a pub on my own and not sure what to do.

So this is one of those communities that I stumbled on and now I keep getting notified about new posts.

I see so many good men and women posting here asking questions about clearly weird situations where they dodged a bullet.

But they come here needing validation on something their intuition is clearly right about. Something they can sense is off.

I’m here to remind you that a genuinely healthy relationship doesn’t involve mind games. You’re not having to second guess or question something your significant other did. You don’t have to second guess their actions and words. You dont have to do mental gymnastics to justify a situation.

If your spidey senses start tingling and something feels off, then something is off.

Trust your intuition and walk away.

That little voice in your head is way sharper than you think.

Life’s too short to give flaky, shady people the only thing you can never get back: your time and energy.

If people want to play games, then leave them to play them by themselves.

-I’ve never been in a relationship and have had sex twice

-on autism spectrum, when I was younger the advice I’d get was “try dating someone else with autism”, “try finding girls who just want to be friends”, “just try finding someone who’s nice”, things that sound like how people talk to twelve year olds with special needs (none of my friends or family think I can have a girlfriend)

-ugly, sites like lookrank and attractivenesstest give me a 4/10 which is like bottom 20 percent. I get my hair cut regularly, groom my beard, cleared up my acne and I still look like a loser. People have made jokes about my looks my entire life. In the past people would make jokes about how weird and ugly I am to impress girls who thought it was funny

-severe treatment resistant anxiety and depression, any “help” you suggest I have tried it

-sometimes when I get really upset I cry or even throw a tantrum, I cry at least once a week thinking about how much of a loser I am

-I have persistent erectile dysfunction from a reaction to medications years ago that only partly responds to meds

-I’ve been on one “date” in my 30s with someone I really like, it was the most fun I’ve had in my life but when she invited me to her apartment I got anxious and made up a dumb excuse when I thought about how disgusted she’d be by my performance so she left without giving my contact info. My friends all told me she was probably a prostitute or trying to rob me since they don’t believe an attractive normal woman would want me. I went home and cried thinking about how she’d laugh if she could see me

Is it best to give up at this point? Sometimes I feel like maybe I can meet someone through my friends or my interests (even though the women my friends know ignore me) and I’ve always dreamed of having a partner who’s cool, funny, pretty, nice, has the same interests as me but I don’t think that’s realistic. I feel like my only chance is to either

1. Be alone forever

2. Find someone as fucked up as me and we can be platonic life partners since we won’t be attracted to each other

Either way I’ll be miserable forever

What can I do?

I'm putting this out into the world partly for cathartic purposes and partly because I'd genuinely like some outside perspective from a large sampling of people.

I'm a 43-year-old divorced woman. I'm very beautiful and physically fit, and I've always attracted a lot of attention because of it. I'm also (very noticeably) autistic, level one. I've worked incredibly hard throughout my life to function well and blend in.

I recently became an empty nester, and I'm actually quite content being alone. I've had a very painful life and have been treated very badly. I'm finally getting to a place of stability and even experiencing some genuine happiness for the first time in my life.

I have an incredibly satisfying job that I'm excelling at. I don't make a lot of money, but I can pay my bills. I'm debt-free. I'm building a peaceful life for myself, and I'm not looking for a relationship because I can't tolerate being alone.

But I would really love to find a partner.

I recently made a Bumble account. I tried to be transparent and noted on my profile that I'm neurodivergent, although I didn't explicitly say that I'm autistic. As I expected, I was flooded with matches. It was honestly an overwhelming number of men.

Out of all of them, I chose a man who seemed the least flamboyant and cocky. He was very attractive, but more importantly, he seemed kind and gentle—two things I'd specifically listed as attributes I wanted in a partner. He stated what he wanted and needed in a relationship, and it aligned remarkably well with my own wants and needs. He wasn't pushy about meeting immediately or getting sexual right out of the gate.

I Googled the hell out of him and confirmed that he was exactly who he said he was. Everything I could verify matched what he was representing himself as.

We planned to meet several times, but things kept coming up. His daughters needed him, which was completely understandable to me. I also have young adult children who still need quite a lot of my time and attention.

In the meantime, we got pretty flirty. At that point, the only thing left to do was finally meet and see if we connected in person.

I totally bombed it.

Just as I was arriving for our date, I was hit with a tsunami of nervousness and fear. I was literally shaking.

Initially, he was incredibly sweet about it. He took my hands and squeezed them reassuringly. But it didn't help much. At one point, I was practically dissociating.

Eventually, we left the cafe and drove around together until he needed to go home and take care of his dogs. Things improved a little. We held hands, which was very sweet, but I was still far too anxious. I came away feeling like I'd shown him the absolute worst version of myself.

Later, when I was home and had time to process everything, I realized something that surprised me: a significant part of my anxiety had actually been triggered by his kindness toward me.

I'm so unaccustomed to being treated gently that instead of making me feel safe, it frightened me.

I told him afterward that I was sorry I'd been so nervous, that I really liked him, and that I knew I'd be much more myself the second time around.

The flirting then escalated dramatically. I'm hypersexual, and I was thoroughly enjoying it. But at the same time, something else changed. The kindness and gentleness I'd initially been getting from him seemed to dissipate completely.

We planned to meet again and spend our first night together, but, as I suspected he would, he canceled.

I haven't heard from him since.

It hurt, but I decided to pick myself up and get straight back on the horse. I also decided I'd learned something from the experience: maybe I needed to explicitly disclose the autism before meeting someone, rather than simply saying I'm neurodivergent. That way, a man would have some context if I became unusually anxious or socially awkward when we first met, and neither of us would waste our time if autism was a dealbreaker for him.

So that's what I've been doing.

And every single man I've explicitly disclosed my autism to has unmatched me afterward.

That's the part that's becoming heartbreaking.

I live in an area with a very large dating pool of good-looking, successful, financially stable single men. Getting initial interest isn't difficult for me. These are men who are clearly attracted to me and interested in meeting me immediately before I disclose my diagnosis.

Then I tell them I'm autistic, and they're gone.

I understand that nobody owes me attraction or a relationship. People are allowed to decide that I'm not right for them for any reason whatsoever. But I'm struggling to figure out how to navigate this without either hiding an important part of myself or allowing a diagnostic label to define me before someone has even met me.

Because I'm very beautiful, yes, but I'm also a lovely human being. I'm warm, kind, generous, gentle, affectionate, and loving. I'm a generous and enthusiastic lover. I've had a difficult life, but I'm building a better one.

I don't need someone to rescue me. I don't need a relationship to make my life worthwhile. I know I can build a good life alone.

But I would love to share it with someone.

More than anything, I want a partner who is GENUINELY kind, gentle, supportive, and loving. Someone with whom I can eventually feel safe enough to completely be myself.

So I suppose I have two questions.

For autistic people who have successfully navigated dating: how and when do you disclose? Do you put autism directly on your profile? Tell someone before the first date? Or wait until you've met and established some rapport so they get to meet you before they hear a diagnosis they may have preconceived ideas about?

And more broadly: how do you identify someone who is genuinely kind, gentle, and emotionally safe rather than someone who simply presents that way during the early stages of dating?

I'm trying very hard not to let these experiences make me cynical.

I just want to get better at finding the person who might actually be right for me.

I do a trivia night meetup with my friends every Wednesday night. We always have fun and a great time! My group consists of mainly men and two older women who go on a regular basis. I do not typically get younger women to come to these trivia nights in our group.

I frequently see younger ladies at other tables and want to consider cold approaching them while doing the trivia night. Is this something that people have done in the past? How successful was it for you? The brewery we do it at usually gets pretty packed so there are a lot of opportunities to approach women that aren’t in my group, but I have always never done it because I didn’t think it was acceptable.

If someone actually really likes you, you actually will not be confused.

People love to complicate dating because… so many people are negotiating with another person's emotional availability or interest.

And the truth is, you have to discipline yourself. You have to challenge yourself to STOP analyzing someone's inconsistency or mixed signals. Because truly, it's either disinterest or it's some lack of capacity. IT’S NOT A MYSTERY.

You got to keep living your life and not make a stranger who you had a couple of good dates with so important to you.

There's that sort of scarcity mindset where we meet someone and then we tell a story in our heads about how it's been so long and, you know, I haven't felt a connection like this in a long time, and then all of a sudden this person becomes incredibly important.

This person who we didn't even know existed, you know, a week prior, becomes so important to us. It's a total waste of energy, and this truth will set you free.

I've never been bothered by not being in a relationship, all throughout school, but now at college I see a couple everywhere I turn, I didn't bother me at first, but as time went on I started feeling lonely, I felt I didn't have that special person to lean on, tell how my day went, and other stuff. Don't get me wrong I have wonderful friends but it isn't the same. Now that I'm in my second year I'm trying to find that special person for me and it's pretty difficult, mostly because I'm kind of afraid, not to talk to girls (I'm the kind of person who every girl talks to as a friend) but in admitting any feelings if I have any, I've mostly never felt that kind of attraction to any girl (I'm not gay), idk I'm just afraid to fall in love ig. On the outside I'm a really fun person, the kind which no one hates, but deep down I'm a really really emotional guy, I'm the kind of guy who falls in love only once, if I get emotionally attached to that person then she's it, she's the one, no one else, so I'm afraid what if she leaves me, then that's it, I will just be a broken husk for the rest of my life (not ending myself tho, I'm not that dumb), idk this has been the case my entire life. I'm so hopeless 😭, need someone to coach me (preferably a girl then it would be easier for me to understand how they think). This is a repost, I just want views and advice of a few more people