r/mentalhealth • u/PhantomPuppet1011 • 15h ago
Venting I'm 25f and a virgin. It makes me insecure.
The way I was brought up with curfews and restrictions, I started getting drier and not needing sex as much as I did when I was younger. I have a bf for years now but like he never pushes me to do it either. Now we live miles apart
Since we lived with our parents we've had to calculate the excuses we needed to make to leave and we weren't used to it. besides good and safe ones were expensive. Even dates are rare. So we don't chase it as much.
I've only ever wanted to do it because of peer pressure once in high school but it never happened because of circumstances
I still don't feel the drive or the need to seek that feeling just the insecurity that I haven't done it yet. There are times I've wanted to cry because I feel like I am left behind. I feel this way as I type this because of a conversation I've had with people that have lost their v card.
Because personally I don't care about sex, i pleasure myself most of the time. What I do hugely care about is what everyone thinks is the norm and I'm not normal, according to society.
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u/Highthere_90 15h ago
So your not interested in trying it? If you feel insecure you can always lie about it.. not like they will know you are or just dont let their judgment get to you
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 15h ago
At current no. I just wait for the time it is actually convenient for me to take a conscious effort to do it. That is, both of us planning scripts to tell our parents so that we can sneak out, but not for long because we'd have to make a new set of reasons for that
It's alot.
I could lie about it, but in the end of the day it's this nagging feeling in my chest that I'm uncool for not wanting it as much as anyone else.
It's like someone telling me I'm "way behind" for not listening to a certain artist, and suddenly I feel like I have bad taste. I still wouldn't listen to that artist, id just feel bad i don't love said artist as much.
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u/Fraenkthedank 14h ago
You know what helped me quit smoking?
Accepting that I might be not cool :D
I was like:"alright if being cool kills me, I'm better of being not cool."
Now I can breath freely, go for a run easily, am not out of breath after a flight of stairs, dont smell like an ashtray, save tons of money which I can use for stuff that I, myself, find cool. Not society.
I'd rather have that.
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u/-IDK-MY-BFF-JILL- 13h ago
Iām 37 and just lost my virginity this year. It came naturally with someone I really trusted and connected with. Forget societyās standards. Thereās no ārightā or āwrongā time to lose it. Iāve been told a million times over the years by men that they ādonāt know how Iām still a virginā because they think Iām āso attractive.ā My thing is, Iām not interested in sex unless thereās a deep emotional connection and I havenāt had that until this year.
Do what feels right to you. Thereās no right or wrong ā¤ļø
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 13h ago
It's so good to find someone like this. It's relieving to be honest. I can't find myself to get interested in sex, however attracted i am too my boyfriend and that's something i found so hard to explain ā¤ļø
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u/-IDK-MY-BFF-JILL- 12h ago
Iām honestly the same way. I was with my boyfriend for a while and I was super attracted to him but the āsex buttonā in my brain was just stuck in the off position. Itās frustrating because itās genuinely a ME problem but he took it as me not wanting him and I explained to him as clearly as I could and he thankfully understood. Heās the most caring and understanding person.
Thereās nothing wrong with you. Some of us just arenāt āintoā sex as a NEED. I would much rather snuggle and cuddle vs have sex. Hence why I donāt have sex.
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 11h ago edited 11h ago
Bro same like why is it so rare and looked down upon? My boyfriend understands me so well. When I felt bad about my disinterest in sex and spoke to him, he said "you're probably asexual and I love you. Anyway check out this book I've been meaning to read-" š
But yeah I'm totally in the same situation as you are and I think I feel a bit better someone relates to me exactly.
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u/LittleLotte52996 9h ago
Nah, pressuring ppl into losing virginity is just as disgusting as shaming them for it. If both you and your boyfriend are okay with it then I wouldn't rush anything. It happens when it happens.
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 9h ago
Right? even if it's gentle like "hey there's no harm in trying uk" it feels like pressure. like i already know that? I am not afraid of sex i just don't care enough because there's enough on both of our minds. So I'm just waiting for it to naturally occur
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u/LittleLotte52996 9h ago
I feel like people are so against the purity culture that they bend over backwards to avoid any association with it and end up policing other bodies from the other side. I'm an adult, I will have sex when/ if I want to, and if it means at the age or 40 or never is only the business of me and this other person, thank you very much.
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u/oblivion-boi 8h ago
If it makes you feel any better, I'm 25, not a virgin, and yet im still insecure about sex at times lol. Don't feel left behind, go at your own pace. Having sex won't drastically change your life if im being honest, and theres no deadline, go for it when it feels right for you. I feel like you're actually ahead of most of our generation by having a partner, which to me is way more significant than sleeping with someone.
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 11h ago
I did not expect weirdos getting into my dms the moment I put this upš«©
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u/softboisweet 12h ago
Virgins are cool the best
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 11h ago
Nothing amazing about being a virgin tbh. It's just a choice.
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u/softboisweet 11h ago
And it shows you are still capable of making your own choices and not getting into a mess in this modern world where everyone is losing it, it is amazing
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 11h ago
I don't believe there's anything wrong in losing it early too. I just never understood why losing it was important at all that, if you didn't lose it people treated you like a different species
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u/softboisweet 11h ago
Being a virgin is a virtue especially to a woman, let people treat you different but your husband will cherish
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u/PhantomPuppet1011 11h ago
I don't believe that and it's time we stop making virginity mean something different for men and women.
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u/softboisweet 11h ago
Lmfao I made a whole video about It on my YouTube though so hahaha idk what type of words you have eaten, but I was even pushing virginity for men so for women you are in a spectacular position
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u/Luviebug19 8h ago
are you a virgin yourself?
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u/softboisweet 8h ago
Yep lmfao why did I get downvoted wtf
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u/softboisweet 6m ago
Wow now people are quiet amazing.just downvoting and leaving meanwhile we're speaking real life real fax lmfao the hell
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u/Fraenkthedank 15h ago
Fuck society... Society voted Trump into office... fuck the general opinion, Its gone bonkers.
We are apes on a rock flying through space with idk 3000km/h around a burning ball of gas, who somehow learned to talk. There is no normal. Talk to twenty different people and you get twenty different opinions.
You do you <3 (hehe) Do what ever helps you grow and bloom.
The only thing important is to reflect your doings. Is it really beneficial? Yes, then keep it up, no then drop it. Not sure? Keep trying until you feel it or get a second/ third opinion, BUT draw your OWN conclusions. This is very important, you can still disagree with the others opinions! Its just to get a different perspective. But taste, experience, opinions are naturally different. A athletic person may be used to running everyday and would miss it if he somehow would be hindered from it. Most people wouldn't bet an eye. Should he stop running then?
Do what makes You happy, you are allowed to have your own opinion and you should stand by it. You can still reevaluate when you get new input and you can still draw the same conclusions, or adapt your opinion :)
I often have fomo as well, friends having open relationships and telling me about it do also create desire in me. And thats okay. I'm allowed to desire. But im in a happy relationship, I think some time about it, imagine how it is or might be if I would be in an open relationship. At first it's nice, but then I notice I dont want to meet new people to fuck with. I dont like one night stands, I need time to get close to a person. This concept isn't for me. I'm happy where I am with who I am. And even if I have these thoughts, I still love her. It doesn't change that fact. Its just a thought after all.