r/oneliners • u/2fits • 19d ago

I meant to explain what a tangent line is, but I veered off on a tangent.

0 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/Fit-Jellyfish4829 • 20d ago

Beers don't complain when I finish in 2 minutes.

8 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/SugarFreeBeef • 20d ago

There's a woman who works at my credit card company that's ruining my credit.....her name is "Miss Payment".

20 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 20d ago

My wife claims a man in camouflage is really sexy but I just don’t see it.

25 Upvotes
3 comments

r/oneliners • u/breck • 19d ago

I'm not worried about our relationship even though there are no letters between U and I.

0 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/SugarFreeBeef • 21d ago

I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the "W's".

35 Upvotes
7 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 21d ago

I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, walked into a bar and now I think my life is a joke.

69 Upvotes
5 comments

r/oneliners • u/breck • 21d ago

I saw a link to a new cure for AHDH but I'm not sure if I should have pizza or burgers for dinner.

7 Upvotes
5 comments

r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 22d ago

I got fired from the keyboard factory because I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

151 Upvotes
29 comments

r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 22d ago

I was breastfed until 3, but enough about my day, how was yours?

48 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/EndersGame_Reviewer • 22d ago

The scale men use to rate women's attractiveness is a pretty broad spectrum.

50 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 22d ago

People say I'm addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop anytime.

22 Upvotes
3 comments

r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 22d ago

You'd have to be really low to pickpocket a dwarf.

21 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/ShinyTarnish409 • 23d ago

I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but then I turned myself around.

29 Upvotes
5 comments

r/oneliners • u/dunderthrowaway3 • 23d ago

I'm confused how a cemetery can raise its funeral prices and blame it on the cost of living.

76 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/Expensive_Pie_831 • 23d ago

I always let old people go ahead of me in line, as it makes it easier to see their PIN.

9 Upvotes
3 comments

r/oneliners • u/uptwolait • 23d ago

There's not that much difference between cats and kids, but there's a huge difference between catnapping and kidnapping.

9 Upvotes
0 comments

r/oneliners • u/tellmemore-social • 23d ago

I do mean comedy, neither too good nor too bad.

2 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/Expensive_Pie_831 • 24d ago

I just want to help people out is my interview answer for becoming a midwife.

22 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/lWant0ut • 25d ago

I will be launching a new fetish website soon, once I work out the kinks

64 Upvotes
4 comments

r/oneliners • u/Oldus_Fartus • 24d ago

I never showed my age, I'm 58 and people don't give me a day over 73

5 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/Expensive_Pie_831 • 24d ago

I’m a nail-biter, which is not appreciated at the salon.

0 Upvotes
2 comments

r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 25d ago

The recipe said, “set the oven to 180 degrees” but now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

115 Upvotes
11 comments

r/oneliners • u/Ms_Selenophile • 25d ago

I told my husband he should embrace his mistakes, so he hugged me.

31 Upvotes
1 comment

r/oneliners • u/Ms_Selenophile • 25d ago

Experience makes you wiser, but screenshots make you accurate.

2 Upvotes
4 comments