I am 14f and I am struggling badly with mental health. my SA'er is in my school now and he was a year and a half older than me when it happened

so basically. i was at his house and he kinda looked sad and he told me he wanted me to ride his dick raw which scared me bc he has a rlly fertile family. so i gave it to avoid any fights or me being abandoned so we realized pull out with me on top wouldn't work. so i was on bottom and i made him promise he would stop if I did needed a break. so i was scared bc it was raw. i pushed on his shoulders and shook my head and he wouldn't stop and he covered my mouth.

thats what had happened on February 28th. I have been raped before by my other ex who i see sometimes as well. but it doesnt hurt as bad as I does seeing the most recent.

I hate the thought of my 11 year old body being out there for pervs to jerk off too. Every time I think back I realize how young I really was. I was acting too grown when I hadn’t even gotten my period yet. Having old men jerk off to me before my boobs even came in. I don’t understand what they saw in me that made them want more and more. It felt like I was being eaten alive. I was just a kid and they had me strip down and spin around for them. Played truth or dare with me but made everything so sexual. They tried to make everything a game it felt like a trap and I fell for it every time. I don’t know how I could be so clueless, they were obviously asking sexual questions but it just didn’t click to me. I remember this one guy kept having me take off my jacket and spin around for him and he asked if I wanted his underwear on or off and I thought he was just making a bad joke and I said on and he took them off anyways and I just remembered trying so hard not to look down. Somehow I still thought it was an accident, I thought he didn’t hear me right so I didn’t say anything. I wish I had done something to stop it all. I feel so weak and pathetic. My insides are so rotten i feel like no one can ever truly love me cause all they can see is how broken i am.

My sister has been a victim of SA since a young age and most recently as an adult it happened while incarcerated at Coffee Creek Correctional Facility in Willsonville, Or. I want justice for my sister and so does she. Apparently her paper work was “lost” while incarcerated. She has been out for two years and was recently asked by her parole officer to come in to the office and talk to someone. There was a representative from the state who apologized and gave her a deposition. Tony has already been sentenced to 30 years but he can get a 100 more for all I care. My sister says she has tried to contact a few lawyers but they weren’t interested in taking the case, I suspect my sister just opened the phone book and call the first couple lawyers listed. I told her that Reddit is full of helpful people with lots of knowledge and that I would post on her behalf and she said please do.

Does anyone know of a specific lawyers in the Portland, Oregon area that might be interested in helping with this matter?

I reported my rapist ex boyfriend in June and I’ve gotten one follow up call about that a few weeks ago, came back into the station and did a second statement and they told me it’s most likely going to court and that I should prepare myself for a trial. I am beyond scared I have no idea what to expect or what to do or how to prepare myself for this. Does anyone have any advice for me. I just turned 18 so this has been a lot for me and I really don’t have anyone I can go to for this kind of stuff. The only evidence I have is him saying he raped me over text but idk if that’s gonna be enough proof.

Backstory:

I was stupid and naive to hang out with a coworker outside of work which lead me to be raped 3 months ago. Before he raped me, he would slowly cross my boundaries that day from trying to hold my hand to groping my breasts. I am very awkward and kinda soft spoken so I have trouble speaking up for myself and he took advantage of that. Before we hanged out he already knew I had a boyfriend and that it was a serious 4 year relationship and he made it seem like he understood. I made it known I wasn't ok with his behavior that day when it was happening before he raped me,but he dismissed it by saying that we are friends or that my boyfriend is not here or that we are not at work. After he raped me he said out of his mouth " I was trying to see if you felt something but now I see you are serious for your man. I see you as a strong woman. Who taught you to become a strong woman?." I told him that we were not friends after that and left. At work he attempted to say hi to me for a day or two after the incident as if nothing happened. Each attempt I ignored him and after that he got the hint he stopped trying to tak to me.I told my boyfriend what happened a few days later since when I told my friends what happened they blamed me for hanging out with the coworker as to why it had happened and not very kind about my situation. As soon as I told him he immediately called the police for me. Long story short nothing was done about it because I didn't go to the hospital on time to get a rape kit done. My job also won't do anything about it since it happened outside of work but I already told them that I don't feel safe and my mental health is declining due to me having to see him when he comes to my department and all they did was send me a work flyer for mental health/counciling.

Wanting to reach out to my rapist:

Basically I've been having a strong urge to talk to my rapist. Ive been thinking about sending him a message saying how I've been feeling and how his actions have impacted me etc even though it's been 3 months since I last talked to him. I think I am wanting to have closure and kinda let go of what happened but I'm not sure if that is a good choice or not.instead of asking you guys if I should reach out to him or not I'm wanting to know your experiences if you guys have reached out to your rapists and I'm just wanting to know what happened to kinda see what I should do. I am also curious why you decided to reach out if you did and if it helped you out or not.

How can I get over being raped and sexually assaulted I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know if it is rape I’ve been second guessing it I’m sick of this

Hey, I’ve been raped by my ex and it has gotten better. But we were only together for about a year and the Break up was a year ago.
I still think about it a lot tho and it feels wrong because wouldnt every normal Person have overcome their ex After that time? Is that normal After sa? Do you think sa makes the time to heal from a Person longer or is that just because I take Long to get over people? Why does it sometimes feel like I miss him? Is it still CSA when I was 15/16 and he was 17/18?

TW mentions of SA

I'm 22F, and was sexually assaulted by a classmate at 12. This experience made me think that guys would only like my body, that maybe that's what was interesting about me. For the entirety of my teenage years and until a few months ago that made it impossible for me to go further than dates in public with guys.

Context : Then, last September I moved to a new city for my master's degree and explored myself differently, actively trying to dissociate myself from this constant anxiety that my body was unsafe (it was saying 1st time living alone and away from everything and everyone I've ever known) But it's something I can't seem to really cope with, despite therapy etc. Only sports help me bc they make me feel capable and strong (but I injured myself last summer so it's been hard to go back).

Anyways, in January I met a guy and we started talking, it was good, fun and I enjoyed myself. We had a few dates and I got pretty infatuated (in retrospect, because we're had good chemistry). So as time went by I wanted to go further with him (for the first time I actually commited to my desire). We had intimate moments a few times, but I already carried shame into it and was scared : I didn't want him to know I was a virgin and I didn't tell him I had been SA'd in the past. I also didn't want to be associated to these things.

The last time I saw him (we were not officially dating but acted like a couple) we started kissing but I didn't want to go further, I just felt like he wanted it and it was so much so Quick that I fawned (I remember the transition into this state bc I dissociated) my whole body was saying no. And he picked up something was different than other times but no wouldn't come out of my mouth as he asked me another time if i was okay and if he was supposed to keep going, I mumbled yes. But the whole time I was dissociating.

I didn't rationalize what had happened until the day after where I told myself "this is too much to handle I can't go through another traumatic thing" I was also really confused as to why I couldn't phrase it since I had worked in myself, my ground, my issues, my needs etc (but ultimately was always scared to be seen and heard, because when I was SA'd saying no was associated with more violent aggressions).

Now it's been months, my body is aching everywhere, I've been ill since this relationship (mono) and my pelvic floor and lower belly hurt (i wonder if my body could have tensed up so much that it damaged the area). I've spent the past few months in freeze response trying to get out of this state. And talk therapy doesn't help me right now. I know the things I just can't feel it all anymore it's too much.

If you've faced something similar (is it a trauma flare ?) did you try hypnotherapy, EMDR, or other things ? I just want to feel like me again but I think she's gone and I have another layer of stuff to process six months later. I tried to let it be thinking if I let myself feel the things it would go away but that's just not how it works and I'm coming to terms with that instead of repeating a pattern of resistance.

This whole thing has made me question everything, my sense of self is gone, I feel so strange and distant from my life because I'm no longer the same. I feel like I can't trust myself anymore since I couldn't say no like that when I had sworn to myself I would never let anything happen to me again (ik that's impossible but it was my way to cope with the world and made me really anxious bc it is an everyday mission). But it's so hard to understand that idk how to feel about it, so I feel alienated, lost and self-betrayed.

Thank you for reading up to the end. I hope you're doing great and healing and healthy 🩷

This happened to me last summer when i was 19. i (now 20f) was with my boyfriend (22m and now ex) at his summer home in the next state over from my own house. we were there just the two of us, as his friends would be joining us in a few days to have a fun weekend of partying and spending time together. in our sex life it was known that i liked things a bit rougher, but nothing super intense— things like being pinned down or lightly slapped or having my face grabbed etc. it had never been more than that, and i never expressed interest in anything more intense than what we had been doing for several months now (at the time we had been dating for about 5 months). one day we got busy, he was on top of me and he gave me a light slap like i was used to, and then another. he hit me harder the next time and eventually he was slapping me repeatedly across the face to the point i could feel it stinging and when i got up and saw myself there were marks on my cheeks. i was in such shock that i didn’t say anything in the moment. when he finished he got
up and we got in the shower. the moment i saw him again i felt like bursting into uncontrollable tears but for some reason i couldn’t bear showing him that he had hurt me. he was sensitive and insecure and im supposed to be the strong freaky type i don’t know. but i turned away from him and bit my tongue and swallowed my tears. i couldn’t remember the last time i had felt so small, like a child. i don’t know if this was just a bad sexual experience or if it was assault. i had given him permission to lightly i guess “tap” or grab my face during sex but he never asked and i never agreed to being full on hit hard multiple times especially while feeling vulnerable as he was on top and i couldn’t move. i just don’t know who to tell because i recently came forward with my friends about another experience i had of (real?) sexual assault i had some time ago, and i don’t want to bring the mood down by crying about some other shit that happened to me.

I was raped 3 years ago and since then have gone through all different emotions, healing process and trauma responses. One thing that I struggle with is staying present during sex, and sometimes because of that I might feel violated after sex, even though nothing unconsesual happened.

Now a few weeks ago I went to a guy's house who I met at a club (We went to the same school before and have some mutual friends including my rapist... but I don't know him too well) I was pretty drunk but we had consensual sex and went to sleep. The next morning I woke up with him already inside of me. I was confused and didn't really do anything but just laid there. It didn't last too long and after he offered to take me home, when I told him that I kinda felt weird for what he did in the morning. He told me that I had consented during the night before we went to sleep. Something along the lines that "he is free to use my body as he wants to". And he claims that I have said that, but I have no memory of that what so ever. I don't know if I'm in the right to feel like what he did was wrong, or if this is my trauma brain confusing rape and consensual sex.

I kinda just want clarity with this situation, maybe advice? I can't keep on just ignoring how sick I feel right now.

I need to speak about this thing I experienced as a child. I’ve never spoken about it before sober now I’m actually coming to terms with what happened it’s making me anxious. This whole thing is causing me to rethink my childhood habits.

Triggering Warnings: COCSA, slight vivid detail

I was molested and maybe sexually assaulted as a child by my minor male cousin. I believe I may be experiencing dissociative amnesia.

Theres a specific event that I know for a fact happened. It’s always been in my memory like a fuzzy thing far off floating in the back of my head. I didn’t feel anything towards the memory until the night I got intoxicated for the first time and shared the story with my friends.

When I was younger, I spent a relative amount of time at this cousin's house and I would sleepover. This wasn't uncommon for me considering I have a single mother.

I don't remember much about the times I spent at his house; memories more so appear in my mind as small snippets some snapshots from a memory. I can remember what every room looks like in vivid detail empty. However, those snapshots and my actual time there is associated with sensations and simple thoughts. I remember some things we did based on senses like the sun making the metal of the playground hot. We used to play on the playground outside of his house. I fell down one time or was I pushed?

I don't know the exact ages we were but he's three years older than me. When this incident occurred, I was teeth losing age and he had to have been in maybe middle school?

At first, I didn't remember how this memory started, all I could remember was the fact that we were watching something. I recently remembered that it was porn. He played it on his tv. It was of a white woman and a black man. At some point he closed the door telling me to 'sh'.

He said something about playing a game. He stood up and told me to do the same. He told me to get on my knees and I listened. He then he pulled his pants down and told me to put my mouth on his private part. I shook my head no. Everything was telling me this was wrong. He kept insisting trying to get me to do it, trying to bribe me. I feel like I remember verbally saying 'No' in a broken voice. He told me to just touch it, put my hand on it. I remember him telling me if I didn't, I would get in trouble. I remember him saying the tooth fairy wouldn't come if I didn't do it. I don't remember anything immediately after that.

I remember I got my money from the tooth fairy who I found out wasn't real cause I heard his mother tell him to put the money underneath my pillow while waking up. But this could have been a different time. I remember the hiding underneath the bed one time. But I know I wasn't actually hiding because he knew I was there. Maybe I was just trying to prevent him from touching me or getting near me?

I feel like I remember him and I kissing on the lips not based on image but from the sensation. I vividly remember what the skin of his cheeks feels like. I remember what he smells like.

While writing this I almost had a panic attack thinking about his basement. It's like a memory or something was coming to the surface. Something involving not just him but his friends. I couldn't breathe I felt like my inner mind but my vision at the same time was flashing white. I kept telling myself," that didn't happen, that didn't happen, it didn't happen." Forcing myself out of it pushing the memory and borderline panic attack back where it came from. Frankly, I don't want to remember. I’ve never talked or wrote about it at all sober.

Even while I was looking through his mother's Facebook so I could figure out how old we actually were I saw images of him older felt nothing, but when I got to the younger ones my heart started to beat out of my chest. I felt so panicked and uncomfortable. I never get like this. I've never felt panic like this. Normally, I'm always in control of myself to some degree but this was overwhelming maybe it's for the fact I don't fully remember everything. The panic of being hopeless and powerless towards my own past?

As far as I know he's off doing his own thing no longer in contact with his mother. He had a court case a couple of years ago for putting hands on his mother and a family member intervening causing an altercation. As far as I know now he's always been a problem child his mother was never with the bullshit which honestly makes me feel worse. No way he didn't know what he was doing was wrong. Even worse what if someone was doing bad things to him. How does one even begin to cope with something they don't fully remember but feel? Even worse when it was another minor.

To conclude, I'm terrified that I might just be making this up. What if he didn't actually do anything outside of that one time? What if I'm just making this up in my head so I can feel bad for myself. So other people can comfort me and feel bad for me? What if I’m building false trauma based on a single memory that was still wrong?

This whole thing has me rethinking parts of my childhood that I thought were just parts of me being an independent only child. For example, being hypersexual watching porn on my iPad and making my barbie dolls have sex mostly woman on woman though. Sneaking into the kitchen and eating multiple snacks before bed. But I also have been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD paired with a single mom who I frequently wished would sit down and spend time with could be reasons for those behaviors as well. Recently I found some of my dolls I thought it would be fun to play with them and make up a dramatic story. When I made two of the women kiss for plot, I felt a weird feeling in my stomach, and I began to feel disgusted and stopped. For some reason I feel like I remember being smaller and younger than I actually probably was in these memories.

I don't want to remember frankly my ADHD is enough already. But I know that I can't just ignore it for the rest of my life. I've never had a boyfriend or been romantically involved with someone. I don't want to freak out on them. Being out of high school has made me realize how terrible my ability to function is.

Thank you for reading if you did. I know this is a lot and I greatly appreciate you.

I recently got into, and ended my first relationship recently, but I noticed something that made me really happy when we were dating.

I (21F) was dating my boyfriend (25M) and we would often go out and get drunk together and either have sex or just cuddle and go to sleep. Sometimes when we got home both drunk, I would ask him to have sex and he would say “no” and to go to bed, help me take off my clothes, and come lay with me after taking off his own outside clothes. It may seem harsh but it made me so happy. It showed that he really cared about me and loved me, and cared about my well being. Even when we were sober, if I would ask him to have sex and he said he “wasn’t feeling it” or said “maybe later,” it made me happy.

I’ve spent so long being sexualized, men only wanting me for my body and to have me as an “experience” but never wanting to stay long-term. I miss my ex, and we’re still friends to this day, but he was the first person to ever show me actual love and not just obsession and lust.

So early this year I invited a man I had a date with to my house to have dinner and a drink. Essentially I set it up to be perfect for a hook up, but I got super drunk and I changed my mind after we ate dinner. He only had half a drink while I had about 2-3 9% cocktails.

When we got in the bed I tried to go to sleep, and when he kept touching me I told him no, but I eventually gave in. It wasn’t bad and I wasn’t crying during the experience, it was fun. But in the morning I regretted it and told him again that I never wanted to have sex in the first place.

He went back to his house and I was stupid, I thought he liked me but he took 3 days to reply back after that night and I blew up and blocked him. I gave up dating for months after that because I had been shown interest by many men before that but they always ghosted after sex. I had never had a serious partner before then either.

I’m afraid to tell anyone because I feel like they’ll all tell me it’s my fault for trusting him, but I regret it to this day and won’t trust a man like that again, even if he shows interest in me.

So me and my friends all went out last night and we all got super drunk. We’re currently staying in a hotel and as there’s not enough beds I told everyone I don’t mind sleeping on the sofa as i’ll likely be the first one awake anyway.

We get back to the hotel and everyone’s talking in the living room — I end up falling asleep on the sofa. I was woken up to the feeling of someone putting their hands up my dress so originally I just freeze trying to figure out what’s going on as I was still pretty drunk.

I then realised which ‘friend’ was touching me and for some reason I just completely froze. He said my name a couple times to see if I were awake and he picked my hand up to see if it were limp and if I was sleeping. I just kept my eyes shut and acted like I was asleep. He’d had his hands down my bra whist I was unconscious as it was slightly un clasped. He then put his hands down my underwear. I really don’t know why I didn’t stop him I just froze… he was probably there for around an hour?

I actually can’t believe this has happened non of this feels real. I keep trying to make excuses but surly this is assault right?? What’s even worse is he doesn’t know I know what he’s done. And he’s acting completely normal with me like he didn’t do that. I feel so lost what am I even suppose to do in this situation. I am absolutely terrified of telling my friends but I have to tell them at some point.

i posted this in another subreddit and someone recommended i find one specialized for the topic.

i plan to go to therapy soon but i don’t have a clear idea when i will be able to go, so this will have to do for now. recently, my girlfriend told me something abt her last relationship (it was very abusive & lasted three years). what she described was definitely SA, but she didn’t seem to realize (?). she when she told me, i was drunk, and told her bluntly that it was SA. i feel bad abt it now because i should’ve been more strategic and careful abt how i told her. i have since apologized for my wording (she said i didn’t need too), but i feel like i’ve already made things worse. i’m the only person she has ever spoken to abt this and i need advice on how to support her. she also doesn’t have the ability to go to therapy right now. ever since we spoke about it it’s been bothering her badly and i want to help her.

I’m going to sum this up as quick as possible, just need to rant and see if anyone else been in the same position.
The other day I had a bnb with a friend and we were clubbing and hanging out through the weekend, he had a girl with him. There was supposed to be around 5 other people but they got in trouble at work so they didn’t end up coming, this other girl who was supposed to get in trouble as well with the group (gonna call her A) ended up getting off scotch free, and she came on Saturday. I never started drinking till a few months ago and now I’m regretting it a little bit. Basically we went to the club that night and I was drinking as everyone else and I started dancing with A because we met up with another group and they all had girls but me and A were just dancing alone so we started dancing for a bit, then when I separated and came back she was dancing with another guy. I didn’t care because I just saw her as a friend, she wasn’t bad looking and a little cute, but I really wasn’t attached to her at all. So after a while I went home and she called me to come back and walk her home, it’s like a 5-10 minute walk back to the bnb so I’m like whatever. I was thinking she might be on some timing so I kept telling myself I wasn’t going to crack, she ended up grabbing my arm when I saw her and flirting with me the whole walk home. Basically there was 2 rooms 1 bed and the other room at 2 beds, my homies girl came back early and slept on one of the 2 beds. When I got home I really wasn’t tryna crack but I was vulnerable and horny, I haven’t had sex in 3 years and it was with my ex and I’ve been extremely lonely I haven’t been home in over a year. I told her “I’m going to sleep, you can sleep on the other bed in the room with 2 beds” I’m getting ready for bed and when I lay down she opens the door and says “I’m not sleeping in the room with a girl I don’t know” then I respond suspiciously “where are you sleeping then” then she laughs and says “with you” she starts changing and came on me pretty strong over the next 30 minutes it was 2am at this point and one thing led to another and yea. I feel really guilty and weak that I couldn’t say no, but I still did it even know I didn’t want to. And I don’t want to get into details but this girl has been in some bad situations and that’s another reason I feel guilty, also I’ve only known her for a month we just hang out sometimes and talk, I have no feelings for her once so ever. The next day when we were otw home she was touching on me rubbing on me but I just felt disappointed in myself, maybe it was because I was drunk, maybe it was because I was vulnerable. Something worse happened to me when I was way younger similar to this (I’m 22M) and I feel ashamed. I don’t even like hookup culture and I just want 1 girl but I seem to get in bad situations and haven’t had luck with long term relationships, lmk if anyone has any advice or can relate. Idk if this is considered SA because I technically consented, but I do feel a bit violated.

15 years ago, I went dancing with a friend, afterwards she invited a friend over. I didn't know she invited him over and while he was a nice enough person I didn't have any interest in him or doing anything with him. She started to have sex with him, I was so uncomfortable but I just froze and tried to ignore them. Then she got up and left the room. He changed his condom, he said "come on", then the memory goes blank, next thing I remember he's on top of me, he's having sex with me and I'm dissociated, watching it happen from across the room. I didn't want to sleep with him. He didn't even ask me if I wanted to have sex before he put on the condom. He was already acting like it was a given. I haven't been able to call it that, for 15 years I just thought I messed up and had sex I regretted, but I never wanted to have sex with him, how did I end up under him, why did he put that condom on when he didn't even have a conversation with me about sex? I'm struggling tonight with that part.

Roofied Western Washington University Student

You can see that I was roofied when I get up to wash my hands. He spiked my jello shot while I was away. Surprisingly, the prosecutor who working on my rape 2 case never addressed that this footage existed. She did not tell me that I was actually roofied on camera despite witnessing all of the trauma it caused me for 6 years. She didn't know I saw this footage while she was still my prosecutor or when I finally reviewed the footage for the first time. I was roofied on July of 2020 and I did not find out I was roofied until recent history. I don't know why she was not able to get my rape 2 case to trial a very long time ago because I know that she knew a lot about the suspects history. I also know that the criminal defense attorney knew that my rapist was dangerous, but for some reason I was never treated like I was the person in this video who was drugged on camera.

Western Washington University was in my rape 2 case and I do not understand why other than the fact that we were both students from WWU. WWU repeatedly violated my FERPA rights during my rape 2 case and due to successful stalling, eventually my prosecutor moved on, had a baby, and opened up her own private practice. I believe she is now a criminal defense attorney. Meanwhile I waited for 6 years for this case to go to trial, but it was instead dropped and then charges were ammended. Instead of prison for 8.5 years my rapist gets to go through 90 days of bracelet ankle home monitoring. The awful thing about stalling someones rape case is that their prosecutor might want to pursue a different career and no one else might be able to fill their place once they leave. In the end, I feel so let down by my own prosecutor. I should have had a successful case during trial, but plot twist my rapist got exactly what he wanted and paid for. Now he has no sex offense record which is interesting since he is a high school teacher.

I know my prosecutor could have gotten justice for me. I wish she had done more than she did. I wish I had gotten to see her defend me at least once. I never got to witness a single person from Bellingham courthouse defend me. You'd have thought surveillance footage and a positive rape kit would be enough to go straight to trial. But no, because my own university unlawfully released my mental and medical records against my consent. Multiple times.

This entire rape case ruined more than just my sense of safety. It ruined my future, my health, wasted my youth, and ruined my relationship with my university. WWU should apologize to me for what happened because by reporting my rapist, I scared him out of the region, and before this happened he had been targeting and roofying young college women. He was 8 years older than me. No one knows his name, but he should have been in the news for roofying me on camera.

I am actually a hero in so many ways. When I raised attention to the person who raped me through social media, parents of high school students complained about him, and he did not renew his contract at that high school. Even though I helped other people avoid contact with a predator no one has ever known of what happened to me or ever fought for my sense of justice. I am an invisible hero. I tried my best to be my own hero and that left me broken and regretting ever trying to stand up for myself. Ultimately, I resent my university as a result of complete failure and negligence to protect me from someone who raped me in the 2nd degree. This was absolutely traumatic in ways I'll never be able to heal from.

Was it really sexual assault if they were under the impression I consented
If I pretended to enjoy it because I couldn't say no
If they even told me multiple times that they can stop if I ever get uncomfortable
Yet every time I told them no and I didn't like it, they just argued with me and told me I wasn't accepting them
Even if I was a little harsh