I need to speak about this thing I experienced as a child. I’ve never spoken about it before sober now I’m actually coming to terms with what happened it’s making me anxious. This whole thing is causing me to rethink my childhood habits.
Triggering Warnings: COCSA, slight vivid detail
I was molested and maybe sexually assaulted as a child by my minor male cousin. I believe I may be experiencing dissociative amnesia.
Theres a specific event that I know for a fact happened. It’s always been in my memory like a fuzzy thing far off floating in the back of my head. I didn’t feel anything towards the memory until the night I got intoxicated for the first time and shared the story with my friends.
When I was younger, I spent a relative amount of time at this cousin's house and I would sleepover. This wasn't uncommon for me considering I have a single mother.
I don't remember much about the times I spent at his house; memories more so appear in my mind as small snippets some snapshots from a memory. I can remember what every room looks like in vivid detail empty. However, those snapshots and my actual time there is associated with sensations and simple thoughts. I remember some things we did based on senses like the sun making the metal of the playground hot. We used to play on the playground outside of his house. I fell down one time or was I pushed?
I don't know the exact ages we were but he's three years older than me. When this incident occurred, I was teeth losing age and he had to have been in maybe middle school?
At first, I didn't remember how this memory started, all I could remember was the fact that we were watching something. I recently remembered that it was porn. He played it on his tv. It was of a white woman and a black man. At some point he closed the door telling me to 'sh'.
He said something about playing a game. He stood up and told me to do the same. He told me to get on my knees and I listened. He then he pulled his pants down and told me to put my mouth on his private part. I shook my head no. Everything was telling me this was wrong. He kept insisting trying to get me to do it, trying to bribe me. I feel like I remember verbally saying 'No' in a broken voice. He told me to just touch it, put my hand on it. I remember him telling me if I didn't, I would get in trouble. I remember him saying the tooth fairy wouldn't come if I didn't do it. I don't remember anything immediately after that.
I remember I got my money from the tooth fairy who I found out wasn't real cause I heard his mother tell him to put the money underneath my pillow while waking up. But this could have been a different time. I remember the hiding underneath the bed one time. But I know I wasn't actually hiding because he knew I was there. Maybe I was just trying to prevent him from touching me or getting near me?
I feel like I remember him and I kissing on the lips not based on image but from the sensation. I vividly remember what the skin of his cheeks feels like. I remember what he smells like.
While writing this I almost had a panic attack thinking about his basement. It's like a memory or something was coming to the surface. Something involving not just him but his friends. I couldn't breathe I felt like my inner mind but my vision at the same time was flashing white. I kept telling myself," that didn't happen, that didn't happen, it didn't happen." Forcing myself out of it pushing the memory and borderline panic attack back where it came from. Frankly, I don't want to remember. I’ve never talked or wrote about it at all sober.
Even while I was looking through his mother's Facebook so I could figure out how old we actually were I saw images of him older felt nothing, but when I got to the younger ones my heart started to beat out of my chest. I felt so panicked and uncomfortable. I never get like this. I've never felt panic like this. Normally, I'm always in control of myself to some degree but this was overwhelming maybe it's for the fact I don't fully remember everything. The panic of being hopeless and powerless towards my own past?
As far as I know he's off doing his own thing no longer in contact with his mother. He had a court case a couple of years ago for putting hands on his mother and a family member intervening causing an altercation. As far as I know now he's always been a problem child his mother was never with the bullshit which honestly makes me feel worse. No way he didn't know what he was doing was wrong. Even worse what if someone was doing bad things to him. How does one even begin to cope with something they don't fully remember but feel? Even worse when it was another minor.
To conclude, I'm terrified that I might just be making this up. What if he didn't actually do anything outside of that one time? What if I'm just making this up in my head so I can feel bad for myself. So other people can comfort me and feel bad for me? What if I’m building false trauma based on a single memory that was still wrong?
This whole thing has me rethinking parts of my childhood that I thought were just parts of me being an independent only child. For example, being hypersexual watching porn on my iPad and making my barbie dolls have sex mostly woman on woman though. Sneaking into the kitchen and eating multiple snacks before bed. But I also have been diagnosed with Inattentive ADHD paired with a single mom who I frequently wished would sit down and spend time with could be reasons for those behaviors as well. Recently I found some of my dolls I thought it would be fun to play with them and make up a dramatic story. When I made two of the women kiss for plot, I felt a weird feeling in my stomach, and I began to feel disgusted and stopped. For some reason I feel like I remember being smaller and younger than I actually probably was in these memories.
I don't want to remember frankly my ADHD is enough already. But I know that I can't just ignore it for the rest of my life. I've never had a boyfriend or been romantically involved with someone. I don't want to freak out on them. Being out of high school has made me realize how terrible my ability to function is.
Thank you for reading if you did. I know this is a lot and I greatly appreciate you.