my question is not "how do you work on this without memories"

it's "how the hell did you find a therapist who believed you and didn't constantly tell you that there is no way to know it actually happened???"

I've tried NHS, I've tried private. even those who claim they have experience in CPTSD, sexual abuse, or even dissociation tap out as soon as I say I don't visually remember.

even once they say "I can't verify" (literally not what I asked!?) "but we can work with your feelings now" and I'm like okay... then every time I simply talk about the feelings they add another disclaimer that "we don't know for sure" and "I can't confirm this happened but..." like FUCK OFF. it's so fucking invalidating. I'm losing my damn mind.

I have a lifetime of signs, symptoms, behaviours, fears, and a deep sense of "this happened to me". at least 2-3 of the behaviours I did as a child are "basically exclusive to CSA/rape". if they could spend 5mins inside my body they wouldn't tell me I can't remember.

I don't need anyone to verify my past for a court case. he is dead and the statue of limitations is long up. I'm not interested in blowing up my family over this. I just need someone to believe me and help me release the trauma from my body because I'm 35 and I'm fucking STRUGGLING. I've avoided potentially life saving pap smears and gyno exams literally my whole life due to sheer terror. I've been single for 10 years. haven't had sex in 16 (since my first boyfriend, it freaked me out too much to ever try again).

I'm so frustrated. I'm starting to think nobody will be able or willing to help me. that I will never find anyone who will actually look at my history/timeline and believe me and work with me instead of constantly telling me maybe it didn't happen.

I'm losing the will to try. and the will to live.

Hi, I have made a few posts on here and a ton of comments and hopefully they have helped someone.

This is primarily a vent and I'm not looking for advice. I'm in therapy

I was sitting in the shower this morning contemplating what I was going to do today because it's my 62nd birthday. So I was sitting letting the cool water just beat on me and I noticed the light cast a shadow of the water flow controller and the shadow was in the shape of a large flaccid penis. So of course I had a flashback of some of the men that trafficked me and some of the more gruesome things that were done to me at the age of 12 and onward. One of which was forcing me to orgasm. My penis was literally rubbed until it became just a huge friction burn. Sometimes I could successfully resist and sometimes nature took its course. Which brings me to my life now. I came out as trans fem last June and the first thing that hrt affected was sensation. Genital sensation or stimulation wasn't any different that rubbing my arm. Really I was ok with that and at that time I considered myself ACE. But about 3 months ago I decided that I would like to experience an orgasm again. After talking with friends everyone recommended the magic wand so I bought one and tried it. It felt good but quite frankly it was just a bit boring. My friends encouraged me to keep trying and to give my body time and to go slow. So I did that and slowly I was getting closer and closer. Basically I was getting really close but then a fuse blew and the stimulation became instantly irritating. So this morning looking at that shadow penis it dawned on me that my response is some sort of latent artifact of me learning to resist orgasm. I'm sort of angry after 50 years I'm still dealing with the affects of being raped repeatedly but I know I'm not to blame and it was simply a coping mechanism. I can't trust men in any situation at this point which includes Dr's or any even mild social situation all the way down to just being in public with them. Im just at an impasse. Its frustrating irritating and I'm quite sad about the whole situation.

OK I'll shut up now

Marie

Like can someone be both things at once? I know this is a weird question but it's something I've always kinda wrestled with you know.

It was my dad who abused me. I don't wanna talk about all that in detail because it's too much, and because I don't want this to be long as hell. But he was my abuser and my only real parent too.

I remember all the nice stuff he did for me. Like looking after me when I was sick, taking me all different places. Helping me with school even though I wasn't very good. I remember he taught me a lot, about money, life stuff. He was the one who taught me to read. He even paid to get my teeth fixed because I sucked my thumb a lot when I was little and my teeth were all crooked and messed up.

He did all that stuff but he fucked me up and hurt me too. It was confusing then and it still is and I can't get it all straight in my head.

and i mean like, full on revenge. not trusting the justice system to bring me justice.

it's all i think about all the time nearly every day. i'm just so mad that all of them got away with it and are living happy lives while probably hurting more kids. this world is so cruel and unfair and i just feel like i'm slowly losing my mind more every day and more each day.

the thoughts of revenge just consume me if i'm not thinking about the abuse. or feeling his disgusting hands all over me. the constant nightmares fuel it more too. sleep paralysis with him constantly being on top of me, pinning me down, not being able to wake up or move. waking up shaking and my heart pounding feeling like i'm gonna die nearly every night because of nightmares.

i'm just so angry and it's slowly building up day by day and i'm scared one day i could just snap ):

I’m mentally drained after today’s session… I mentioned in here I think a new trauma layer has opened and I was right.

I was talking about how much more aware I feel, more depressed and realistic about my situation. I couldn’t dissociate away from it anymore or daydream or ignore it, I was sexually abused as a child. my brain had uncovered more, which is the new layer. I have access to more of the innerchild part’s feelings, aka the hopelessness, the fear, the dread. she feels closer, more integrated. this past week, I was flashback’ed multiple different times to times in elementary school where I felt the same hopelessness/despair feeling. I didn’t remember these times prior to then. for example, I remembered staring outside one of my elementary classroom’s windows and feeling it. over these days when the flashes of memories came back, I also started to get a new body flashback in my lower jaw, underneath my jaw, some in my head and a lot in my mouth overall. I already knew I was oral r*ped from earlier emdr work we did, but this confirmed it further.

I also put together the pieces recently and only today in therapy that, there’s a threshold I have when I’m triggered, so let’s say 0-10. as soon as I’m at a 1, I have different thoughts and different feelings than when I’m my normal self. it’s like my innerchild part, the one that holds the trauma is beginning to take over and completely blocks out my actual self. I told my therapist about recent times I notice myself heading to the triggered space but then it’s like I snap and i’m back to my normal bubbly, outgoing, social self that doesn’t think or believe any of the things I had just been thinking when in the triggered space. so we mapped it out with a scale and symptoms that I feel when I start to head towards triggered, which different symptoms occurring with how far along I am towards triggered. I can’t believe I hadn’t put it together like this beforehand tbh bc there’s always been a range of symptoms/anxiety/panic and I couldn’t explain it well until now, I had always said “I almost had a panic attack, I could’ve had a panic attack but I caught myself and calmed down” or on the other side of the spectrum, “I had the worst panic attack ever, worst than ever before” etc. there was even a time today in session where I started to remember myself covering up the abuse and hiding it, but I started to dissociate and I lost the memory. fuck.

With all the realizations I’ve had over these past few months and these past few weeks particularly, my therapist said it might be time to try doing emdr on some of these feelings, the triggers and that I can finally start flushing them out fully. I’m making a whole lot of progress. it’s crazy to look back at where I started. I was just a girl with horrific panic attacks that could barely function in basic society. I had no clue what was hiding underneath the surfaces and what I was carrying for nearly 20 years. 🥺

some other realizations: how my emotionally immature parents played a huge role in this aka why I have CPTSD, how unhealthy my coping mechanisms have been and how sad they are (I cried in session today over the fact I didn’t eat at a 10hr shift in order to get through it).

sorry for my long rant, but here I am continuing to document my journey! 😅🥲

I know rape is very obviously penetration-related, but I didn't realize it applied to more than just being intruded with genitals. I saw online that rape is classified as any nonconsensual penetration through the vagina or anus, which can include objects and fingers. My older brother fingered me when I was six. Not sure how many times, but I remember one time it hurt really bad.

So wait — this entire time that I thought I was only molested... His fingers in me count as rape?? I see some people say it only counts as sexual assault, but other sources say it was rape.

I'm confused. Am I mixing things up?

What are some things people have found helpful to start healing their CSA trauma

I just called a helpline today and my referral has been accepted by a crisis charity. But I have to wait 12 weeks until they have space for them to do a counselling assessment and then if I get approved another 12 weeks until they find a weekly slot of counselling for me.

That's basically 6 months. I don't know what to do with this time. I feel I'm in a sort of space of no return now having spoken out about it and I'm just so uncomfortable. I've been in denial for so long.

During and after the call I felt so pathetic. I felt like a liar. And if not a liar I felt like what happened to me wasn't actually that bad and I shouldn't be taking up their time when people have had much worse happen to them and the waiting list is clearly so long already. My partner is very supportive and kind and has reassured me that these services are made for me and that I'm obviously not lieing and I shouldn't feel like I don't deserve it. But it's so hard to truly believe this.

I wasn't hit, I wasn't trafficked, as far as I'm aware there was no penetration. I don't feel what happened to me is that bad even if the 2 times I've described it people have told me it absolutely is CSA and that my grandma actually groomed me. I feel the fact it was a woman also makes it harder to navigate. It's hard because I put her up on a pedestal for so long, I don't necessarily remember feeling uncomfortable or wrong until I was in my teens. It's so difficult because I still see her regularly.

I want to start helping myself but I'm not sure where to start. I'm lucky as I know I have a really supportive group of friends and boyfriend (I've only told him).

For YEARS I have felt drawn to opiates specifically. I've never done them, but my brain seems to think they would quiet the constant anxious overstimulation I experience. I've watched Soft White Underbelly on YouTube, interviews of homeless prostitutes and drug addicts who talk about their traumatic childhoods. Sometimes it seems like that is a more "real" outcome than functioning as a normal adult. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting against nature and I should have been long dead already.

I cant stop thinking about this, but basically I got raped as a kid (around ages 4-5) and I think it really set me up for a life of being abused so I'd seek out people when I was 15-16 online...

I ended up getting groomed online by people who were into something called 'lolicon' and Im an incest survivor, they were the only people who would listen to me about incest, and it devolved into me making incest jokes (not good, I know) publicly online because no one would listen unless I treated it like a joke. I felt like I'd never be anything but a joke.

Eventually, I reached out to an old ex-gf from high school to reconnect, but she accused me of stalking (just for logging into my old instagram and texting her) and I think I remember when I was 15-16 and she was 17-18 while we were dating, she knew I was in those group chats with grown adults showing me 'lolicon' pornographic photos. But after trying to reconnect, she said this was proof I was the pedophile. So the adults showing me pornography weren't the pedophiles, But I was instead. Even though I was younger than her, even though I was the only child in a group chat full of adults.

We met up eventually and watched a movie but I got a giant rant text later about how she said I 'didn't change' even though she gave me a chance. No idea what this means, though she did let me know that she found my new social media account- One where I used a fake name and there was no clear identifying information. Which is odd because she was being more of a stalker than I was. I dont even know how she found that account because it wasn't connected to anything, but I would make incest jokes on there.

She gave me a giant moral lecture, but I wish she would have just asked if I was okay and needed help instead of accusing me of being a pedophile. I wish she wouldve understood that I was being groomed, that I was raped as a 5 year old by my grandpa, that I eventually lost all of my friends just for being queer right when I was about to face homelessness at age 18, and my rapist died around then, I got diagnosed with autism and didn't know how to cope, I had my rape confirmed for me, and my mother told me a family secret she was hiding (I apparently had nearly died as a baby and was resuscitated in a hospital). I had to run away around this time to escape violent familial abuse. Escaping the abuser is the most dangerous time in a victim's life. I had no time to process anything because I was scared for my life.

And she was judging me and trying to morally correct me when she never even treated me like a human. She never knew my situation. Of course I wasnt perfect. I wish someone would have just sympathized with me or asked if I was okay after escaping or what happened to me. But everyone treats me like garbage till this day. Ive never had anyone help me, they only blame me. Not even therapists help. No one.

TW: Sexual harassment, groping

So I (18NB) was 10 when this boy (9M back then) would likely be nice or slanderous towards me and he had an adult with him most of the recesses and the adult explained to me that he is on the spectrum but showed disapproval when that boy would misbehave.

Later on, he would likely be inappropriate? The incidents are:

1. Commenting on my developing chest and how milk comes out of them (they don’t)
2. Commenting on me being fucked
3. One time, he elbowed on my developing chest and one time, he squished it
4. One time he had a meltdown in the school’s kitchen, the adult mentioned trying to calm him down and saw me (the boy), he wished rape on me.

I have been told it was COCSA but I’m not sure.

recently told my family that i had memories resurface about my dad sexually abusing me as a child.
my mum is with me and is leaving him, she wanted to confront him about it so i agreed. he denied it and had a full breakdown throwing himself around, hurting himself- it distressed a lot of people.

he’s been messaging me (i have now blocked him) saying he wants to pay for my therapy for me to realise this didn’t happen to me. he’s talking to my siblings saying it didn’t happen, and seems like they believe him
it’s making me feel like i’m f*cking crazy.
it’s fuelling the doubt in me that i already have
and i’m completely doubting myself and i feel so guilty in case im wrong, but for a year ive lived it as my reality and it feels right
is this normal? am i just genuinely insane

It was only in the past two weeks that I have started realizing my CSA was affecting me and I cannot drink it away, smoke it away, or fuck it away anymore.
I’m (24F) and I don’t think I’ve ever had a genuine real relationship. I think it was either me using them somehow or them using me. Either for validation, comfort, attention, or sex but never for a genuine connection. The funny part is that my friends are my life and family, and I have no problem maintaining friendships. I have no problem fucking or having sex with anyone and everyone tbh but when it comes to maintaining a serious emotional connection I have no idea how to do that without using them or them using me. Has it gotten better for any adult survivors when it comes to maintaining healthy romantic relationships/ any advice? All of the advice that I see seem to deemed for people who are afraid of sex not people who can’t figure out how to have a normal relationship after being kidddy fondled. All love thanks <3

Hello,

I’m very private about my experiences and so this is very, very difficult for me to write and talk about. I’ve only shared my story with a tiny handful of people in my entire life.

I just graduated EMDR from my childhood sexual abuse and it is the only way I am able to talk about this here.

When I was 7/8, my twin brothers molested me. It was recurrent. The trauma has caused me so much pain and self hatred.

I have never confronted them. My brothers moved out when I was 9 to live with their dad (my home situation was horrible and they fled). My dad “guessed” what happened when my attitude shifted towards them as an older child and he told everyone what happened to me. [I know this will cause questions- my best approximation of what happened is my dad knew the abuse was happening when I was a kid and did nothing until I started acting out].

My mom made the abuse about her. She confronted my brothers despite me literally begging for her not to. And I was told by both my mom and my dad that the abuse was not about me and she had to deal with it in her way. This was also exceptionally damaging to me.

Flash forward to where I’m at today. I haven’t really spoken to my brothers since I was 9. I went no contact with my mom and dad immediately after high school. I’m 31 and I’ve built a lovely life for myself with so much support and love.

One of my brothers reached out to me to tell me my mom passed. He was awful to me and I blocked him after he started saying “I shouldn’t even tell someone like you. You and your lies”

But my mom’s funeral is on Saturday. My mom was a deeply complicated person who hurt me more than anyone has in my entire life, but she was my mom. I loved her.

I need to take the week and figure out if I even want to go to the funeral. I’m estranged from 95% of the family and I don’t have the stomach for any of them. But my grandma is coming into town and I don’t know that I can let her go alone.

This is a very difficult time. I really appreciate anyone who has taken the time to read this far. I think my overall question to the community here is:

Have you had to face your abuser since the abuse? 20+ years later. How did you handle it? Are you glad you went? Do you wish you hadn’t? And then what tools or coping mechanism did you use? Was there a mantra you felt kept you together?

Looking for any advice and love. Thank you all so much and I am so sorry for our shared experience that brought us to this sub.

Hi, sorry if this is not well-written, english isnt my first language.

Some context, I am a man. Im living alone since 6 months ago. Im trying to get clean from c*ca*ne. Suddenly, like six weeks ago I started to have some dreams about one person from the past, my mom ex-husband. When I wake up from these dreams I wake up scared and disgusted. I dont know why is this happening right now, Im 25 years old and this person leave my life at 14.

So, I started to remember some things that I didnt remember before, weird interactions, I remember seeing his d*ck and also some other stuff. One of the most shocking moments of my childhood is that I remember reading some chats on his Facebook (he always left his facebook open in my computer) where he was talking to one girl from my old neighboorhod about sexual stuff, this girl was around my age at the time.

So, right now, am at this point of my life, the other day I had the worst relapse in months and I cant stop thinking about this memories, how they are coming in random moments. Maybe Im just mixing things, I do remember sexual stuff from my early years of childhood but they didnt connect with this person. Im so so so scared of ask my mom if she know something about this, I dont know how I will react to that.

Does anyone have a experience like this? What should I do?

https://www.reddit.com/r/adultsurvivors/s/YD9vJc5ZiA

So I posted that a few months ago ^^^

Counselling didn't work out I didn't find any helpful, my medication isn't working the way I hoped it would .

I am honestly starting to lose my mind and I don't know where else is go from here.

Therapy is so expensive and healthcare is free in the UK but so awful.

1.) Food intake restricting

2.) Getting inadequate sleep

3.) Playing Videogames

4.) Listening to music

5.) Petting/ playing with my dog

6.) Isolating myself

7.) Watching pornograghy

8.) Non-suicidal Self Injury

9.) Passive suicidal ideation

These are all numbing behaviors that I engage in to create a body-mind connnect so that I can suppress and limit the amount of strong emotions I feel on a daily basis. Some of these are good beneficial coping machanisms and other ones are Self destructive. Yet, they all in some way relieve my intense emotional tension. What are ways that you all numb out and how have you started to shift towards healthier alternatives?

Sorry trigger warning because I explain the situation vaguely

I’m not even sure if this counts because it was online
I don’t want to go into too many details because it always leads to a breakdown and I can only ever talk about it when I am blackout drunk and don’t remember physically describing it that’s why I haven’t been able to talk to a professional about it but I so desperately do
I was about 9-11 when this was happening I think I’m not even entirely sure I just remember doing extremely inappropriate sexual things over my camera for older men . It isn’t like I was groomed into it they made sexual games to play and I was being bullied and had no friends at the time so this was my only time I was able to socialise . I wasn’t forced to do it by anybody nobody knows I did this besides close friends I have bawled my eyes to about when I black out . I can’t really remember it too well but I just remember it was one of the first times people would interact and be happy with me and I remember sometimes I would start off the chat by venting about being bullied and lonely but they would tell me to do inappropriate things and I would oblige I really can’t wrap my head around why . And I feel like maybe I am not even traumatised from this because I am a very sexual person from today . I feel so so ashamed about this because I feel disgusting and dirty and I struggle very much with it now but i don’t even know if it’s abuse or I was just a very stupid disgusting attention seeking child .
I am sorry for the self deprecating comments I have made in this post I haven’t made it for attention I just do genuinely question if it was abuse or not because I just don’t know .
Thank you if anyone can help me and thank you for taking your time to read this

I dont know if this is a vent, cry for understanding, self pity or who knows what.. but has anyone else struggled with an erratic libido?

At time I am so heightened and hypersexual and then it flips and I am absolutely disgusted at even the thought of intimacy. It's almost like bipolar for the libido..

For context, I have a pretty colourful past of abuse, starting from early childhood from several perps. Unfortunately, some of which I deliberately put myself in harms way

When I was 16, I had my first boyfriend. I wanted to wait till marriage, i was raised Catholic, and I wasn’t at all expecting that. I wanted to wait. When we were about six months in a colossal amount of time at that age he got tired of waiting and he just did it. I screamed at him and he started crying and I broke. I thought I was being a bad gf, and I gave in. I told him never again, then it happened again and again when I was trying to sleep when I was high out of my mind on whatever laced shit he gave me that day. I'd tell him no, I don't want to, and he ignored me, was so mean, belittled me, and insulted me till I gave in. I didn't understand what was happening i thought there was something wrong w me for sobbing every time after we did something. He got so mad at me for crying. He introduced me to weed. I had one puff and I was green tf out some later told me it was laced. Later I started using i knew he was gonna hurt me and make me do it anyway. I'd rather be gone out of my mind when it happened than just feel it all. I can’t watch Terrifier 2 or listen to the Weeknd without just remembering him doing a hit to me while I listen or watch it anything for just a distraction. I try to break up so often but every time he knew he'd do it first and it triggered me I wonder if I was not good enough i gave my everything my everything and he broke up w me i felt I needed to prove myself and I got under his control all over again. I cried all the time till my eyes were puffy the next two days. I thought it was normal to love despite the flaws. I remember all the times I felt shame i would beat my stomach cause he refused to use protection. I remember all those stupid times I thought I just started my period early but he did that shit so hard I bled. I remember how I'm pretty sure his mom knew. And that's why she tried to get so close to me and told me not to tell anyone about my bf cause they judge us and I shouldn’t tell my family. She used to yell at him i was lying about my friends being gay, he gets mad at her and she says some crazy shit like what if I got sa. They both became so controlling of my sexuality so possessive. I was so so stupid. I don’t understand how I didn’t see it until he dumped my ass and I refuse to get back w him for the a millionth time. Our relationship lasted a year and a half. I was so stupid. I'm 19 now and just started college about a year ago my family cut me off financially all my college pay was by scholarships and me. And I'm still so so lost I haven’t gotten better i haven’t healed i barely told anyone except my boyfriend. He was so accepting so understanding so nice he dotes and loves me so much, but he views what happened to me as ruining me and that hurts so so much he accepts me but he can’t understand why I need space or a break to focus on healing by myself. I love him so much but there's nothing here in my love that I can give i can barely love myself. If me and him don’t work out I don't want to be w anyone cause I feel already so used. He was my last shot at love, cause I just can’t do it anymore, the sound of entertaining anyone else sounds like hell. My boyfriend understood I can’t have sex without hyperventilating that certain shit triggers me he knows how hard my period is having to use a tampon. He knows this but is so insecure now that I'm away imma cheat. I can barely be intimate w him i just I can't. He can’t handle long distance. He and I broke up yesterday. I knew one day I could get over my abuse but I can’t get over losing the last guy I'm ever gonna love because I can’t love myself. Cause i was abuse till thats part of me was absolutely gone. My new college friends don’t know they don’t understand why i can’t get over him and move on to the next they don’t know what happened why he means so so much to me why i won’t date around get turnt move on. I cant.

This is mostly a copy and paste from my other post i just made, but i wanted to also share here because i think you guys would get it lol

Trigger warning for CSA, incest, self harm, and general abuse.

Just a little bit of backstory so theres more context, i wont share everything.

My (21F) sister (28F) has abused me in any way possible from the ages of around 3-13. One of my first memories is from when i was three of her assaulting me. I was mostly sexually and physically abused, but there was also quite a bit of emotional abuse. My parents both worked full time 3rd shift, so we were sent to our grandparents during weekdays. She would sneak out and would keep me up all night so i could let her back in, and if i wasnt awake to let her in she would sexually assault me after knocking on the window until i woke up. There was one time she was caught sneaking back in because she had been knocking too loud, and after my grandparents scolded her, she beat me so bad i had to wear long sleeves for two weeks. She would cut herself in front of me and tell me it was because of me. When i was the ages of 10-13, she would take me to parties with her friends and i would get absolutely wasted with a bunch of 20 year olds. Her now ex boyfriend would try to make us kiss in front of him.

Flash forward to 2019, she got in a car accident and suffered a severe tbi. She now lives at home again with our family and i have been stuck taking care of her. She does not (or at least says she doesnt) remember any of the abuse. None of my family know about this besides some of the physical abuse, which they see as sibilings being sibilings. Ive been trying to move out since i turned 18, however my epilepsy makes it pretty difficult to sustain a job long enough to save. So ive been stuck living with her. Not only that, but she also recently got a job at my workplace, and now i have to take care of her there too. I have felt dead since she moved back in with us and these past three years have drained everything out of me.

Today my dad and i were sitting outside, and the topic of her being mean to me when i was younger got brought up. I told him pretty nervously that they dont even know the beginning of everything that happened, and he asked what i meant. I told him about some of the physical abuse, and he said it was too much to hear. I apologized and left it, and a couple minutes later he started asking questions again. I told him about the parties and her ex trying to get us to makeout, and i think he realized what i was going to allude to (her sexually abusing me,) and he told me he didnt want to know anything else and that it was too much. He told me it was my business and that hes sorry but its too much.

Ive thought about telling anyone in my family about this since i was 3 years old and was terrified of this exact reaction. He wasnt mean or spiteful, but he was too guilty to actually care about how it affected me beyond the fact that hes a bad dad for letting it happen.

I plan to talk to both of my parents about it soon. I love my family, but having to live and take care of her and treat her like normal when i feel like im going to explode all of the time is way too much for me right now. I want to move out and feel like an adult but i cant when im stuck caring for her. I was really hoping to find some comfort from my dad about it all.

Tldr; told my dad about my sister abusing me and he said he didnt want to hear about it because it made him feel like a bad dad

My partner dumped me in December, and we stopped speaking 3 months ago. She broke up with because of what I was doing to cope with the abuse. I’m in therapy, I’ve also told my family this year what happened. But I am really struggling to do it without her. I’m not someone who opens up easily, I’m not good at forming deep friendships. I’m not good at being vulnerable. I don’t know how to do this.

I just went through my Facebook chats with my abuser. I have spent the morning writing in my suicide note, in my journal, and looking at her Spotify, Reddit and letterboxd. I feel completely overwhelmed. I don’t know how to process a breakup and process child abuse at the same time. And I feel like I have a time pressure on processing the child abuse because if I can get my mind right then maybe she will take me back. But I also don’t know how to do that without her. I feel so alone.

Sorry if this is the completely wrong place to ask but its 3 AM and I kinda want to get it off my chest. If there's a better community to talk about this, I'd appreciate any suggestions.

Mild? TW for some mentions of online grooming and exploitation. And pretty venty, sorry.

So, yeah. Not entirely sure how to start this off. I feel like I wasn't actually abused enough for it to matter and I have conflicted feelings over that, I guess?

When I was around 12-13, I somehow ended up going online onto Omegle and would actively seek out guys to chat (no video) with. I'd specifically use the 'find someone by picking a chat topic!' thing to look for guys wanting to chat about 'young boys' and would... solicit them, I guess? I really don't remember how I started doing it, but I, at the time, genuinely wanted to talk to these guys. To be... desired? Sending them pictures (after figuring out Kik) and getting them in return. Videos and chatting. It didn't go on for long, only a handful of months. Nothing actually bad ever happened. I knew it was inappropriate. I knew they were pedophiles. I just... was fine with it? I liked it?

It's been about 10 years since and I'm still not sure how to feel about it. I almost wish it was worse sometimes. That it went further and I had more of a reason to feel like shit about it. Or that I knew why i ever got into that in the first place. If there's a reason or I just was like that. Honestly the worst part is knowing I'll never be desired like that again. Dysphoria??? Idk dude.

Augh, I wish I had a better way to end this post. I just wish I knew how to feel about this. Sorry.