Ugh.

I've never felt so used in my entire life.

My wife is literally killing herself and refuses to admit there's a problem. She looked me dead in the eyes and swore that she hasn't bought alcohol since her TIPS procedure with a purse full of shooters.

I had to call an ambulance last week when she was passed out drunk and didn't know where she was.

But I'm the asshole.

Her family and friends are blaming me.

We were supposed to be buying the house we are renting from her parents and now they have rescinded by flat out telling us that they won't sell it. They want me to move out.

Housing is very scarce here as we live on an island. My best bet is to buy a trailer for $200k.

The icing on the cake is that I've put money, blood, sweat and tears into this house over the last seven years. like a $20k yellow cedar deck and two new bathrooms. Pretty much anything that breaks, I just fix. The next project was a new roof as it's in pretty bad shape. Her parents kept saying that they couldn't afford to help with a new roof and that we need to just buy the house. I had been getting all the materials together as I could afford them and had almost all the new shingles in the driveway. Was waiting until I finish a project this week so that I could buy the rest of the materials and then put a new roof on.

When they said that they wouldn't sell us the house last week, I sold all of the roofing materials.

Today, magically they can afford the roofing company that starts at $30k for a roof.

I should have known better.

My dad taught me when I was a teenager to never buy parts for a car and work on it until I had the title in my hand.

I'll get over it. I'm trying my best to not be salty about it.

At least I'm still sober.

Shit's going to get worse before it gets better.

I just feel used.

Posted a few times. We effectively split a year ago. I still haven’t fully healed from all the lies , gaslighting and fact I was put second to a drink

She appeared briefly a couple of months ago after her sister spotted me out on a night out. She posted dating profile ‘ looking for someone who knows how to treat women ‘

Now suddenly she has bagged a new higher paid job in her field covering multi sites and has created a LinkedIn purporting to be an expert in the field , running podcasts, preparing info for professionals and interviewing other leaders in the field

She was sacked from two jobs in this field when we were together . I assume because she was intoxicated

She seems to have elevated since I left and she is intent on letting me know . Her media push couldn’t have failed to reach me

I now find myself doubting the gran mal I witnessed , the drink driving, the loss of morals swearing she wasn’t drinking on her kids lives, the avoidance of me for weeks on end to allow her to drink after work

Is this an upswing ? She hasn’t done any rehab so realistically she’s still drinking

She is determined to make me feel I was wrong

Long story short…. After a very chaotic 5 months of dating My ex and I cut communication in April. He claimed to be struggling with sobriety and wanted to focus on getting sober and ultimately decided to end things. He said it was best that we do not speak anymore.

It was hard for me but i respected his decision and left him alone because i knew in order to focus on sobriety no one can prioritize romantic relationships

2 months later he began to break no contact and called me multiple times, i missed his calls but i would check in with a text to ask if he was alright. I assumed he was intoxicated but he would never admit that.

He continued to reach out randomly over the next few months - calling me, adding me on snapchat, Snapchat calls, Instagram calls….

Whenever i tried to reach back out, he wouldn’t pick up.

Last week he messaged that he missed me and owes me an apology… followed by multiple calls

i sent him a message telling him that i was getting worried about him reaching out and then being unresponsive. I told him that i missed what we had but i care more about his sobriety… i told him that i hope he updates or responds to me. I absolutely had no intentions of getting back together. Just wanted to know if he was okay because of the excessive communication from him.

He read the message and didn’t reply

The other night i was drunk and i called him. after a multiple calls he finally answered.

This is the first time we actually spoke on the phone since April.

I asked if he was okay and what was going on with him. No intentions of rekindling anything between us.

He announced that he has been in a serious relationship for the past 6 months and plans on marrying this girl. He said that what they have was more serious than what we had… i was genuinely so confused. I told him i only wanted to know how he was doing and why he was reaching out so sporadically.

He couldn’t really explain anything.

He repeatedly said that he has a new girlfriend now. And i need to stop contacting him…. Which was so weird because he had been the only one contacting ME. He turned the whole situation on to me.

I feel so disgusting and dumb for getting myself into a situation with this guy when i knew from the start he had major issues with alcohol and gambling problems, he crossed my boundaries many times and yet i still stayed to support him because he always told me he wanted to get sober.
I feel like his motive was just to hurt me or make me jealous. Nothing he said really adds up.
If what he is saying is true, i was just the other woman

He is now blocked on every single platform i can think of and im terrified of the thought of him ever returning.

When I met my husband almost seven years ago, he was in recovery. Unfortunately, he relapsed shortly after we started dating. I accidentally became pregnant, and things got really bad. We ended up separating when our baby was a newborn and came very close to divorcing.

His drinking took so much from him. He lost his license, his job, relationships, and just so much of his life. Alcohol completely controlled everything.

After one particularly bad bachelor party where everything hit the fan, he stopped drinking. And this time, he actually stayed sober.

He has been sober for about six years now, and he has completely changed his life. He has an amazing government job, got his license back, bought a car, and we literally bought our first house together. We had another child. He is an amazing husband and father, and he has given me absolutely no reason to think he's going to drink. I genuinely haven't worried about his sobriety in years.

But for the first time in our relationship, he has an upcoming three-day, two-night work trip.

It's only about two hours away. It's for work, he's going to be working most of the time, and there will be a company dinner. He's meeting a new team because of his position.

And yet I'm absolutely terrified.

My brain keeps telling me that he's going to be alone, something is going to happen, he'll spiral, he'll drink, and somehow everything we've built will come crashing down. I'm terrified of losing the life we've worked so hard for. Our house, his job, our family, everything.

We've talked about it. He knows I'm scared. He's been incredibly understanding, kind and reassuring. He even understands that underneath all of this, I'm afraid of losing everything we've built together. He has promised me that he's not going to drink and has given me absolutely no reason to believe otherwise.

But the trip is still a week away and I'm already stressed and depressed about it, almost as if the terrible thing has already happened.

Logically, I KNOW this isn't rational. He's not going on vacation to party. He's going to work. He's two hours away. He's been sober for six years and has completely rebuilt his life.

But emotionally, I'm terrified.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of anxiety after their partner has had a serious addiction history? How did you handle the first time they were away without you? I don't want to make his work trip about my anxiety, and I don't want to keep asking him for reassurance when he's already been so supportive. I just don't know how to get my brain to stop treating this like an impending disaster.

Not sure what I looking for here, but I don’t have a lot of people to share this with. I found empty white claw cans in his car last week the night before I was leaving to see my mom in another state. I said fuck it that’s later me’s problem, I’m just going to go have a good trip rather than bring it up and be in tears and exhausted before my trip.

Well now it’s later, and I just don’t know what to say anymore. I’m so tired, he was sober from alcohol for 2 years. Found out not long ago he had been abusing loose leaf kratom, extracts, and adderall the whole time. Now we are adding alcohol back in. He’s not mean or abusive, in fact he is energetic and high functioning. The adderall and kratom makes him irritable and anxious and it drives me nuts.

I’m having a hard time with having the same conversation over and over again, I’m tired of the lies, broken promises, my trust in him is dwindling. On top of all of this, he was messaging and paying girls on OF for the last 3 years on and off.

I know this post doesn’t make any sense, I’m just so exhausted I feel like my brain doesn’t work anymore. I feel like part of me doesn’t even care anymore. I feel like he will never change, I will always be waiting for another shoe to drop. I love him to pieces, he is a good person and pulls his weight for the most part. I think what I get hung up on is what to do from here, the path is not clear. He keeps saying to not give up on him, that he just needs time (that was only regarding the drugs, now he’s drinking) that was only a couple weeks ago. We both want kids, and I just don’t know that I’ll ever feel safe enough to do that with him.

I am 27, he is 33, together for 7 years, married 3. I feel like time is running out. I’m exhausted. Thanks for reading my rambling venting mess.

My partner is in Al-Anon. Her qualifier is her ex. They were together for 20 years, shared a business and have broken up five years ago. My partner still supports her Q by sharing a home, although they don’t live together, they own the home together. They still share bills, some accounts, they work together 3 to 4 times a month. And they get together almost every week. The Q has not acknowledged that there is a problem although anyone that knows this human knows that there is. And will not quit drinking. The Q has assaulted me in public multiple times, and my partner says that it’s the disease not the person. I am not familiar with Alon and while I’ve been to a couple meetings what I hear in those meetings is boundaries and learning not to enable. Not give the person permission or a pass on their behavior because they have a disease. Can somebody more familiar with the program help me out because at this point I feel my partner is just as addicted to her Q as her Q is to the alcohol.

My wife (33) has struggled with drinking on and off for most of our marriage (2022). It’s usually been beer, and a she’s never mean or aggressive when she drinks. She goes to work, only drinks at night, and truly isn’t a bad person, which I think is why I’ve tolerated it for so long.

We’ve talked about it before. She’ll say she’s going to cut back, and she does for a while, but eventually it always picks back up. At this point, I’ve learned not to get my hopes up when she says she’ll change because I don’t want to be disappointed again.

Tonight, I found several empty handles of hard liquor, and I couldn’t stay quiet about it. I told her I have a real problem with her drinking and that we need to figure it out. Her response was the usual: “I’m sorry, I’ll cut back.” But honestly, I don’t believe her anymore.

I left the conversation feeling like she doesn’t actually want to get better. I don’t want to leave, but I also don’t know how much longer I can live with someone who recognizes there’s a problem but doesn’t truly want to do anything about it.

I know people will say I should leave and truthfully, I might say the same thing if I were reading this from the outside. But it’s not that simple when you care about someone. What scares me most about divorce is potentially having to split custody of our daughter while she’s still drinking.

What gave you the courage to leave the person you love? Has anyone stayed an it actually gotten better?

Im 33 (m) my partner is 34 (f).

We got together over 2 years ago and have been living together nearly a year

When we first started dating we used to go out for meals have a few drinks etc which i thought was normal and happy to do

Since moving in together she drinks pretty much 3 nights a week until blackout. I have told her how this affects me and turns her into someone i dont know, and i dont want to be around it.

That first happened about 6 months ago when i finally said something after months of her drinking, passing out, crying, arguing etc

About 2 weeks ago she was drinking heavily again, she even left the back door wide open all night and nearly fell on the dog. I told her this has got to change and i cant carry on like this, she said it will and she would stop drinking in the house all together. It got to friday this week ‘oh can i get a wine?’ I said what happened to not drinking in the house? She then got pissed at me and I felt bad, felt like i was her father or something.

I know she has been sneaking alcohol without me knowing throughout the week, i dont think she knows i know

Today (Monday) again she asks can i get some wine, this time i said do whatever i dont care. Anyway shes got drunk, fell asleep with the door wide open again, the dog started barking and woke me up at 1am (i have work tomorrow). She came to bed at 2 and woke me up again, ive gone to the spare room its now nearly 3 and I cant sleep, im just so drained from this. Will she ever really stop?

We went to a concert saturday with her work colleague and partner, we all went to the bar and got a drink, she then snuck off twice saying she was going to the toilet but went to the bar leaving me with her work colleague and buying drinks

Ive never dated someone like this before and i dont want to say what she can and cannot do but its just so tiring.

Sorry for the rant

Hello, this is my first time posting here. Long story, aren't they all? , but my (F49) boyfriend (45) is an alcoholic and I am just now really grasping that fact. It's been a wild ride, he was a full blown alcoholic when we met and by the time I realized, we were already living together and I was in love. He lied about almost everything, but I was dumb and in love and wanted to see the good in him. Over the years, he'd quit drinking and then sometimes drink when I knew and then often times when I didn't but I would find the bottles etc. Almost a year ago he suffered a brain injury, after being put on a ventilator, yes in part due to drinking but also denatured alcohol exposure or ingestion and otherwise having serious health issues. After surviving that, he lost most of his vision. A few months out of the hospital and he starys buying feel free kratom shots from the gas station. Mind you, not with me as I said don't be an idiot and drink those, but when he'd either get rides with others or arrange them himself. I told him when I found the multiple bottles, I'm talking $100s of dollars worth, I would be done if he drank or did anything like that again. I essentially am this man's caregiver, Uber, chef, mother, maid and nurse. Well, about 10 days ago I found some empty shooters that he supposedly found here at home although I doubt it as I cleaned everything before he was released from the hospital. He said it was just to help him sleep. I told him I don't care. The boundary was clear. I am getting off the roller coaster and I wish him well. I feel like a jerk, he's cognitively a little slower, perhaps a little compromised, he is blind now and his family is barely helping. I am trying to line up resources for him, but that is difficult when you have a person who doesn't think they have a problem. I can't save him and realized that he is my addiction. Taking care of him was easier for me than taking care of myself. Sometimes we need to turn the gaze inward to free ourselves. I don't hate him, I just want a better life without all the self induced drama

Hello everyone, this will be my second time posting. TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts.

I am (26F) and boyfriend is (28M) for reference. My boyfriend is a Veteran, and served for 4 years. He has suffered depression and anxiety from that, as well as struggling to integrate into society. He has been going to the bar 3-4 times a week, regardless if I am off from work, and will not come back until 8-10pm. He probably drinks anywhere from 6-10 beers, as well as plays $40+ on pull tabs.

I’ve tried to offer him help such as free veteran therapy, which he claims is a scam. I’ve tried to suggest increasing his medication, reaching out to veteran friends, etc. He is stating he is mentally exhausted with debt, family, our relationship, everything. I do not know how to help anymore. I’ve gotten to the point where I feel so alone, and feel like I’m living with a roommate. If I were to leave him, he couldn’t afford our apartment, and he states he has nowhere to go. He said if he ends up homeless, he’ll off himself.

I feel so terrible for him, but I feel I have tried everything to help the both of us. I have gone to therapy to work on myself to be better for him, and he has promised that he would go to therapy when he left me the second time. He never did. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I’m scared to leave, because I don’t want him to be alone. I don’t know what else to do.

TLDR; (28M) Alcoholic partner does not want to try therapy, is severely depressed despite interventions. I(26F) have tried everything to help and am mentally exhausted.

My Q is my best friend of nearly 30 years, dating back to first grade. Her drinking got worryingly bad about 6 years ago around the pandemic. She avoids discussions about her drinking at all costs and can lie like no other to avoid accountability. She is still very secretive (or attempts to be) but can no longer hide the physical signs- rotten teeth, smelling of alcohol, poor hygiene, vomiting often and without warning due to severe GERD. On the few occasions I’ve seen her sober lately, she shakes noticeably. She also frequently misses important events or fails to meet obligations and deals with it by ghosting indefinitely and then reappearing eventually acting like nothing happened, no acknowledgment or apology. I’ve tried to address her drinking but she is unwilling to even acknowledge a problem exists, let alone seek help. Her family has similarly tried to intervene with no success.

I recently had my first child, and while it was always assumed she’d be his “auntie” and would of course meet him, I’m having major second thoughts knowing how she currently is.

On the one hand, she was my best friend my whole life- she’s excited to be godmother to my child as we talked about back before her alcoholism, and I want her to be in his life. But I’m finally admitting to myself that the “her” I want in his life doesn’t seem to be here anymore, and I think it would be irresponsible of me to introduce him to someone who will only let him down or scare him once he’s old enough to understand. It would be one thing if she was serious about seeking help, but she’s very far from that.

She’s currently ghosting me so maybe I won’t even have to deal with this for a while, but I am sort of dreading the conversation I’ll eventually have to have with her about it. I don’t want to hurt her but I can’t think of a way not to. Telling her “you can see him but you have to be sober” or even “you have to be honest with me about how sober you are” would be setting her up for failure and myself for disappointment. I’ll never stop hoping she seeks help and starts turning things around, but the posts here have really been helping me see i can’t do it for her, and I need to protect myself and my child.

This may well be the end of a lifelong friendship, as I’m pretty sure she’ll cut me off for good after I tell her she’s not meeting my son. I guess I knew it would come to that eventually if she doesn’t seek help, as I don’t know how long I can keep watching her kill herself. But man am I going to miss the glimpses of my best friend I can still sometimes catch in her.

My significant other made the choice to go to detox on Saturday morning after a long and intense Friday night involving his drinking, drug use, ditching me for it and calling me to help him get home safely after bar close.

I spent that night so angry at him, I snapped and I screamed at him a lot. I woke up to him in horrible withdrawals, probably the worst I have ever seen from him, and him begging me to help him find a detox. I had planned to leave him to be honest. I was done. But I helped him find a place with an open bed and drove him there.

Neither me nor his mom have heard from him since drop-off. I know there is a high probability that he doesnt have phone access and is still going through medically assisted withdrawls.

But I can't stop thinking, "what if? what if he left detox and didn't tell anyone and tried to *** himself? what if hes drunk under a bridge hours away or dead?"

I feel sorry for how much I screamed at him the night before, how many times I told him to just shut up because I was so sick of hearing his bullshit or arguing. I am afraid for him and wishing he would give me a sign of life.

So tired of constantly finding empties all over the house. Especially when he is “sober”. But the excuse is always “those are old”, or “those are from before I stopped”. Yet it just validates all the times I knew in my gut he was drinking. Somehow every time I come across something it still feels like a gut punch.

Apologies for rambling, I’m still sorting through my thoughts.

My husband and I are in our early 30s, together for over 12 years and two young kids, both in the military. Six years ago was the first instance where he came clean about his drinking problem. It was bad, I was postpartum and blind to the (literal) mountain of bottles collecting in our garage. He got help and gave up hard alcohol (occasional beer) and things more or less got better. I did not consider him an alcoholic at this point because I believed this to stem from a traumatic event that had happened.

Fast forward to the last year and we start having some marital issues, nothing super major at the time, typical mental load convos, stress, etc. he had just returned from a deployment so I believed that to be a factor.

Over the year there were multiple days a week I would accuse him of drinking despite not finding any. Glassy eyes, wobbly on his feet, just obvious signs he’d been drinking but he swore he wasn’t, just tired. After months of this I told him he needed to be seen because something was obviously wrong with him. He fought it, swore he’d get seen, never made appts etc., cue our relationship getting rockier. It got to the point where I knew in my gut he’s drinking but couldn’t prove it but life went on.

We move overseas and he immediately gets tasked to deploy again. Still having issues, still believe he’s drinking. But everything is paused while he’s gone. He does well while gone, gets seen, and for a brief moment I believed he was having medical issues and that I was wrongfully blaming him.

Now we’re in his first month home and back to his old behavior. I threatened to separate and he came clean. Told me he relapsed one time. I asked him again the next day and he confessed it’s be weekly for the last year.

I knew this whole time. And now I’m overseas with no support system and no idea how to actually leave him.

I’m 19 and most of my memories with my mum are when she’s drunk, she drinks so much but claims she’s not an alcaholic because her mum was worse.

For this reason among others I am considering getting my tubes tied as I cannot bare the thought of having children.

She brings up my father every time.

She brings up the man that molested me. Every time.

I can see it all over her face and hear it in her voice. It was a problem when I was addicted to marijuana (which I’ve detached from) but she’s allowed to do whatever she wants all of the time, just because ‘life is harder’ and ‘i don’t understand’ as if i’ve never struggled a day in my life.

I do my best to support her and be the best daughter I can because I love her but I cannot stand her addiction at all.

I will never ever cut contact with her and I’ve grown used to the discomfort now.

It’s been like this for as long as I can remember it was always either one or the other.

Do any other kids of alcoholic parents feel borderline disgusted most of the time??

Not at her — at the fact that she can’t look me in the eyes and promise she’s not drinking, the fact i’ve been begging her to stop since 13 but there’s always another excuse.

Do you feel inadequate? I do. I feel like I’ll never ammount to a bottle of literal fermented bullshit.

It’s made me lazier and I hate it. I don’t want to clean the house because I’m then the only one that maintains it and it becomes expected. I work. I pay her rent so we can exist as comfortably as possible, she has ‘no money’ but comes home drunk every single day. I have not seen her not drink ONCE in a week in well over a year.

Usually I don’t care because I’m beyond that point, but it’s hit me hard today. She couldn’t pick me up because she was ‘sick’, but I come home and she’s nursing both a can of beer AND a glass of wine.

I don’t care that she couldn’t pick me up!! I care that she lied!! I just want some honesty and some integrity for once!!

So for the last year my mom has been going to various liquor stores cause she “wants to buy us sodas” or cause “cigarettes are cheaper there!” But she has dealt with drug addition issues in the past and sort of has a mentality of ‘if I can get away with taking something then I’m going to take as much of it as I can’ with things accesible to her. I’ve been suspect for a while but haven’t had physical proof and when you ask she of course layers on the guilt and the “so you don’t trust me!” Isms. Well 6 day ago she had me go into a store for her and when I came out there were a trio of shooters on the ground and she was suddenly acting intoxicated, I asked and she did the “you don’t trust me!” Thing again. Well we had a planned trip to Arizona to visit my grandparents and she promised me she wasn’t gonna have any drinks with them while she was there. So Walgreens in Arizona sell liquor and I’m an employee with them so I get good deals and rewards and my mom takes advantage. The last five days when she said she wasn’t gonna drink I’ve been getting digital receipts from Walgreens informing me that she’s buying at least 3 shooters a day, we’re also dealing with a family medical emergency where another relative is currently being hospitalized for alcohol related health issues.

I’m concerned and I’m not sure if I should tell my dad or not. I’m an adult and I can take care of myself but I’ve never been in such a blatant situation as this, I’m mad she’s being sneaky but I’m also worried that I’m being like overbearing on my own parent, she’s made me live my life in such a way that I am constantly doubting myself and my own feelings.

Also I know 3 shooters a day isn’t much but it’s the secrecy and lying that is making it bad to me.

Hi,

First time posting.

I am 8 months sober after having a pretty problematic relationship with alcohol.

My parents were and still are daily drinkers, I was drinking with them 8 months ago. But now being sober I can really see how much they drink and how detrimental it is to them, my mum especially. My mum has a number of health conditions and is now medically retired.

Me and my sister spoke to my mum just before Christmas to say we think she's drinking too much and it hasn't improved, if anything it has got worse.

So today was my daughter's first day at school and my daughter adores my mum. But she didn't message to wish her luck or ask her about her day. when my dad called to ask her my daughter got excited and said "is it nana". She went to a party at the weekend and was in bed all day yesterday. I don't know I just need to rant because I am so annoyed by it.

She finally messaged at 2.30 to say she's sorry and she's been really ill but it takes 30 seconds to send a text.

I don't know if I should say anything or just let it slide. The thing is I don't have sympathy when she is ill now because I know she's drinking every night regardless. Just hurts more when my child is involved.

Sorry for the rant!

My partner I have been together for over a year. He’s an alcoholic. I’m struggling. I feel like I have no where to turn to. I just take the hurt and sit with the hurt so I do not make him mad. He does good when he goes to AA. Then he stops and it’s a cycle again. The drinking, hiding and lying, hurtful words. Then he acts like nothing happened. I’m too scared to bring it up because I don’t have the energy to have another argument. But while each sober attempt gets longer. So does each relapse. I don’t know how much more I can handle. But I love him and thought of leaving is even more painful. I feel like my hands are tied. If I say no, he gets angry. I don’t want to control him, but I wish my feelings mattered too. I wish I mattered to him. He’ll talk about how men should show up for their women, and keep things stable. And I just so badly want to tell him to take his own advice. What do I do? Where do I go from here?

Hi everyone, it breaks my heart to be asking for help with them. My younger cousin had a terrible, terrible childhood. She had to be completely independent from age 16 but ended up developing a pretty bad weed addiction throughout her 20s (I don't want to argue about how you can't get addicted to weed).

At 25 she met a horrible man and they had a baby. He was abusive and during this time they both started drinking heavily. It took her two years to leave that relationship and she got a place with the baby and got back in touch with her family.

We thought things were looking up but they're now worse than ever before. She cannot face the day if she isn't drunk, she's started coming to family events drunk and on coke with the baby.

My cousin is not perfect, but she is a wonderful, intelligent and kind person who, since childhood, has been abused by all parental figures and she has never felt loved. She loves her baby more than anything. Without her, I know she wouldn't be here. She is only 27 but I'm so worried that she doesn't believe there is any hope for her. We are trying our best but we don't know what to do.

Our family is pretty effed up, so for many reasons, my cousin and I didn't speak for nearly 10 years until the baby was born, so I'm not sure if she trusts me enough to want me to help. I suppose I am just pleading for advice or ideas.

I hope you are all doing okay today x

I'm 28. I grew up with alcoholic parents (& prior drug addicts) that continue to be alcoholics. They will not seek help, despite many conversations about their addiction & the issues it is causing. I'm having a hard time keeping a stable, healthy relationship with my parents and it is impacting my mental health. I'm the oldest of three, and I have most definitely been parentified. I have a lot of anger towards my parents, and control issues (which was something I never noticed until therapy).

My therapist is wanting me to try Al-Anon. Can the people that have attended before let me know what they think? What was your experience? Positive or negative? I have not gone before, but I'm going next Tuesday. I'm nervous. I don't talk about this often with others, but especially not with strangers.

Additionally, I am a reader. If anyone has book recommendations for adult children of addicts, I would appreciate it. Or even books that talk about control issues or accepting the past.

Thank you!

My best mate is in a codependent relationship with her alcoholic husband. They have a child that I love being an auntie to, but at this point, I don't think I can deal with them anymore. There's nothing I can do to help and I'm starting to doubt if the issues are purely alcohol related, or simply alcohol causes this guy's true colors to surface. No physical violance (that I'm aware of) but a lot of emotional and psychological abuse that I witnessed.

I wanna stay in hers and her child's life. But I can't accept the way this dude treats them. What's more, she also gets drunk to cope with his drinking and it's a vicious circle that I'm fed up with being around. I don't know how to stay friends. I would like to be there to support her somehow, but she doesn't want to change (leave). Apparently he got an ultimatum to stop drinking or she'll divorce, but she's not planning to move out (and he won't either). I do think it's in the child's best intrest if she moved but she doesn't want to. And at this point it kinda pisses me off too, cause there are options and steps she could take but she chooses not to. She has a place to go. She won't. I know it's hard and unfair and infuriarting - if he's the bad guy and she has to make the changes. But I'm not in a position, I feel, to try and influence her.

I always say I'm there if she needs me, but it kinda doesn't mean anything. And after our last time all together I think I drew the line, where I simply don't wanna see her husband ever again. Had enough of his behaviour. To me he crossed the line, he's probably not even aware of. The problem is - if I don't wanna see him, then I will see less of her and the kid, at their place at least. How do I communicate it to her? Is there a point of even trying? Is there anything I can do, as a friend here? Thanks.

So I’m living with a man who used to be a very heavy drinker, but we got that under control. So he drinks 4 cans of beer every night. It used to be 12-14 daily. But here is the thing. Each time when I have to go somewhere and he stays at home, he gets drunk to the same point as it was before. And also lies. I got so tired from these lies yesterday. He got 8 cans, because today in our country nobody is selling alcohol, so he told me that he will drink 4 and will leave other 4 for the next day. When I went outside to smoke he took the 5th can and when I came back and saw it I got sooo mad and annoyed that he always does it. He always says that he will not drink more but does it anyways. He always says that he will not make the same mistake other time and makes it anyway. So I took 3 cans that were still left and went to hide it. It was the first time when I did something like that. He said that he didn’t want more anyways and he doesn’t care. But when I came back he just started yelling at me that I can leave at this point, that I’m not doing anything in my life, just chilling with a 2 y.o. kid at the “vacation” at home etc. That he is done in his mind. So I don’t even know how to feel about it. He told me himself yesterday that he doesn’t want to brake up and like 30 minutes later he asked me when I’m planning to move. I was like wtf I don’t understand you. Today I saw him awake for +-10 seconds because when I came back home after the September 1st things at daughters first day at the kindergarten he had to go to work. So at this point I don’t even know if we are still together or not. How could you get mad about the thing that you said you don’t care about? Was it the drunk brain talk or what.
I’m so lost and actually heartbroken.
I do love this man, I don’t want to break up because of a fucking 3 cans of beer.

I’m having a tough time understanding if I’m seeing my partner slip into addiction or not. We both are in our late 20s. We got together a couple years ago. We’ve had our shares of lies and broken trust and almost relationship collapse. We’ve survived everything, she changed a lot and prove herself to be a good partner and a potential wife and mother to my future kids. She gels with my family and my relatives well, is amazingly in love with me and happy and progressing in her life.

The drinking part started around last year. She always had a feeling of missing out as she was never able to enjoy her teen years like I or other people do. I had my own policy from the beginning that I would party with my friends once every few months but would never drink alone or when stressed. She knew about it. But since she always had this feeling, we used to casually drink (very rarely to the point of blacking out) for 3-4 days whenever she came to meet me every month (we live far away).

Then gradually she started to drink alone as well, always letting me know. And again, never to the point of blacking out, just till everything felt good. This eventually kind of stayed and increased a bit. So now every time we meet, we drink and alcohol is the first thing on her mind. She makes sure we have alcohol at home so she could have a couple beers or a wine glass at night. We went on a vacation of 10 days and we drank everyday, again, not much. But everyday. And when done with the vacation, I asked her to take a break of 1 month which she agreed to.

I caught her bring a wine bottle at her place today. She hid it from me and when I confronted her, she gave excuses. Now I don’t know if I’m being too hard or not. I told her I’m not against partying, we shod definitely get drunk every once in a while but drinking even little amounts everyday is a bad direction. She would be totally fine starting the day with a wine glass.

She never misbehaves and never shows any wrong behaviour after getting tipsy. Always nice and more talkative, which I believe is the reason she also likes to drink a bit before any new social encounter.

I’m sure about me and I know how much control I have but I can never be sure about someone else, even if that’s my partner. I got mad at her today but every time I get angry I get into a dilemma whether I’m overreacting or am I thinking okay. Part of me feels this can head into a completely wrong direction. Part of me thinks she just wants to enjoy her 20s while it lasts. We both are successful career wise and it all doesn’t make much clear sense to me.

TIA.

I think I am just venting. I feel like I have been put in an impossible situation with my sister. She has burned every bridge in town for 5 years, and then treats me like, now I am the only game in town for her and if she doesn't make it, it's on me. Part of me knows how manipulative this is and yet , there it still is - hard to deal with... she may not make it and we are left with the question and the loss, even as we recognize what we've been put in.