r/confidence Apr 21 '20

How to be Confident: The Ultimate Step-by-Step Guide

301 Upvotes

If you've been looking for a solid resource to help you become more confident, this guide is for you.

This is the ultimate guide that will show how to be confident. You'll find EVERYTHING you need to know about confidence in this single blog post.

It's going to be a bit long but trust me, you won't regret reading the whole thing.

​Ready? Let's dive in.

Contents

I'll divide the post into several chapters. Here's what I'll cover.

Chapter 1:
What is self-confidence?

Chapter 2:
Why is self-confidence important?

Chapter 3: 
Signs of low self-confidence

Chapter 4:
Why you're not confident

Chapter 5: 
How to be confident

Chapter 6: 
Frequently asked questions

Chapter 1: What is self-confidence

In this chapter, we're going to cover what self-confidence actually is.

Why? It's because I see a lot of confusion surrounding this term so we're going to define what confidence is exactly.

So what is self-confidence? According to Wikipedia, it's a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

Basically, being confident means trusting your abilities and judgement. Some people seem to think that confidence means being arrogant, acting like you know everything or being a narcissist.

That's totally wrong.

I wanted to start things off with this short chapter just so we can agree on what confidence really is. Now that we got the basic definition out of the way, let's see why confidence is important in the first place.

Chapter 2: Why self-confidence is important

Everyone talks about how you should become confident, but do you actually know why it's important?

There are a couple of reasons why confidence is a big deal. In this chapter, we're going to see why you should become confident and how it can positively affect your life.📷

1. You'll feel a lot more fulfilled

Basically, you feel much better about yourself. When you're confident, you feel like you have the power to change, to do stuff you want to do. You feel like you're good enough and you're not constantly worrying and doubting yourself.

Why it's important:

You feel good about yourself, which means that your happiness level will increase.

2. You'll become better at whatever you do

Usually, confident people outperform those who are insecure and full of doubt. Why? It's because they have a different way of thinking.

Let me explain.

​You see, in most cases, someone who's insecure will typically be more hesitant, less determined, less likely to try or learn new things...etc. This means that when you're insecure, you're less likely to succeed at anything.

However, a confident person is someone who believes in their abilities. This means that they're more likely to learn, try new things and take risks in life. This will inevitably lead to more success and bigger achievements.

​In other words, confident people know that they can actually succeed, so they try, that’s it.

Why it's important:

Basically, you'll do everything in a better way.

3. You'll have a clearer sense of direction in life

In other words, you actually know where your life is going and what you want to do with it. Generally speaking, confident people always know what they're doing. They know where they are and where they want to go in life.

They have goals, and they execute their plans to make them a reality. 

Why it's important:

You're less stressed, more focused and more effective in your life.

4. You'll develop much better social skills

Confidence alone isn't enough to become the most charismatic person in the world, but it certainly helps. The vibe that you give to other people will affect how they treat you.

Simply being more confident will greatly impact the way you interact with others, and how others percieve you. In the real world, this means that it will be easier for you to make friends, resolve conflicts, getting people to value your ideas, earning others respect ... and the list goes on.

Why it's important:

You'll get what you want out of your relationships more easily.

Chapter 3: Signs of low self-confidence

Now that you know what self-confidence is and why it's important, here are 4 warning signs of low confidence you should look out for.

​1. You change yourself to please others

This means that you feel the need to act like someone else to look cooler or better than who you really are.

​If you feel like you need to act a certain way to impress other people, then you're lacking confidence.

2. You always doubt your judgement

If you're too indecisive and you're constantly questioning your own decisions and judgement, chances are you're not confident.

When you always doubt yourself, you'll turn to other people to tell you what to do. When you're relying on others to make the decisions for you, you're basically stripping yourself away from control over your life.

Of course, sometimes it is necessary to get external feedback but doing it too often is a sign that you don't know where you're going in your life.

3. You have tons of self-limiting beliefs

You're always saying to yourself "I can't do [insert whatever you want]". This is a BIG problem.

Why?

Because when you have so many limiting beliefs, it's really hard to get rid of them. The simple act of repeating these things to yourself reinforces these beliefs in your mind, and doing this for years and years means you basically think your limiting beliefs and reality are the same thing now.

When you think you can't do something, you won't even try. That's exactly what will stop you from learning anything.

Basically, self-limiting beliefs will totally block you from having anything good in life.

4. You don't have a clear direction in life

This doesn't always mean that you're not confident. Some people just don't care, and that's fine.

However, I find that most people who have low self-confidence don't really know what they want out of life. This is closely linked to having a lot of self-limiting beliefs. As a result, most people won't even dare to dream big so they settle for an easy life with no clear goals or direction.

Chapter 4: Why you're not confident

Why am I not confident?

​Did you ever ask yourself that question? My guess is yes.

​Here are the most likely reasons why you're not confident.

​1. You treat other people's opinions as facts

If someone says something negative about you, you automatically label it as a fact, without thinking that it's just what somebody else thinks, which means that they could be wrong.

To give you a better perspective, let's have a look at the dictionary:

opinion : A view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
fact : A thing that is known or proved to be true.

​Do you see the difference?

If you're treating opinions (which can be wrong) as facts (which are always true), it's no wonder that you'll destroy your confidence.

2. You're not really good at anything

If you don't have any skills you're good at, it will be hard for you to become confident. Why? Because having a proven record of success reinforces your confidence.

It's like you're saying to yourself "I managed to do X, it means that I can certainly do this as well."

​However, when you don't have any skills you're good at, you don't have any past experiences that make you feel confident, so you'll start doubting yourself because you never achieved anything that requires you to have a certain skill or knowledge.

3. You never push your limits

Pushing your limits means that you’ll keep doing something difficult when you want to quit. This is also a big reason that could be stopping you from being confident.

When you’re always living in the “comfort zone” you’re always dealing with those comfortable situations that don’t require you to grow as a person.

The result? You never grow. Since you always deal with familiar situations, you're never forced to think, use your willpower or do any amount of effort.

This lack of exposure to adversity makes you really used to that comfort, and the moment you’re forced to do something unusual, you start to doubt your ability to pull it off.

4. You're not learning anything new

If you're constantly at the same level of skill or knowledge, you won't become confident because you lack the feeling of achievement and progress. When you feel like you're just stagnant, it's hard to trust your abilities.

5. You failed a lot in the past

I know that failure is a part of life, but it's still something that can affect your confidence. Having failed a number of times in the past will greatly contribute to fuel self-doubt and make you question yourself in the future.

6. You make excuses

Instead of doing something that will benefit you, you come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid putting in the effort.

Chapter 5: How to be confident

Now that you have a solid grasp of what self-confidence is and how it works, let's get to the fun part: how to actually build it.

In this chapter, I'll break down the practical steps you need to build your confidence from scratch.📷
First, check out this excellent video :

​1. Realize that you're not inferior

We'll get to the more practical stuff in a minute, I promise. But before we do that, you first need to change the way you think.

There's one fundamental mindset shift you need to make right now: stop thinking that you're inferior.

Look, if you lack confidence, you've probably been conditioned to think this way. Either by your family, your friends or anyone else. The thing you should understand here is that you can't stop feeling like you're inferior overnight because you've been telling yourself this for years.

However, you can become aware that you were conditioned, and make a conscious effort to reject that idea and replace it with its opposite.

To do: Make a conscious effort to believe that you're not an inferior person.

2. Become good at something

Now we get to the practical stuff. After all, I promised right? :D

​Look, one of the main reasons why you're not confident is because you're not really good at anything. Being skillful gives you a strong sense of self-satisfaction and fulfillment.

In addition, it helps you break your self-limiting beliefs.

When you go through the learning process and you can actually witness your own progress, you'll slowly get rid of your self-limiting beliefs because instead of thinking negative stuff like "I can't do [something]", now you can actually see that you're learning and getting better.

In other words, your positive experience will beat your negative ideas.

So, how to choose a skill?

Ideally, you should choose something that interests you, or something you're passionate about. That way, you'll actually do something you like that will potentially help you in life and you're building your confidence at the same time.

That's how you can cultivate a skill to become confident.

To do: choose a skill and become good at it.

3. Use your body language

You'll find many articles and videos online claiming that body language can transform the way you feel.

Well, let me tell you that it won't happen overnight.

However, you can use your body language to help you feel more confident. How? Use these techniques :

  • Walk and stand up with your back up straight.
  • ​Stand up like this
  • When you're in meetings (or somewhere else), use this position to convey authority and confidence. This is called "the hand steeple" (works for both men and women).

These poses will help you convey confidence and feel a little bit more confident yourself. However, don't overdo it.​ Instead, use them from time to time and they'll gradually become like second nature.

To do: use these postures to convey confidence.

4. Don't take negative comments as facts

When someone says something bad about you, always remember to take that as their opinion, not as a cold hard truth.

I know that it's not easy, I've been there. However, you have to force yourself to change how you perceive what other people say about you.

Look, whatever someone says about you (be it good or bad), it remains their opinion, not the absolute truth.

Of course, some people have good intentions and can actually give you constructive feedback but for the most part, you should ignore all the noise out there.

To do: Take what other people say as an opinion instead of assuming they're always right

5. Fake it, act like you're confident

If you're asking yourself if this really works, let me tell you that it does.

How do I know? Well, I tried it.

It might seem like it's too simple but trust me, it works. At first, you'll have to act like a confident person but after a few months, you'll become more and more confident.

All you have to do is ask yourself: How would a confident person act? and do just that. Be careful however, I'm not telling you to act arrogantly but to act like someone who's sure of himself.

​There's a big difference, it's that arrogant people always try hard to show they're better than anyone else but confident people don't feel the need to prove themselves to others. You know, because they're confident.

To do: Act like a confident person would📷

Chapter 6: Frequently asked questions

There are many common questions I always see people asking about self-confidence.

In this chapter, I'll answer any questions you might still have to give you a cristal clear picture.

1. What's the difference between confidence and arrogance?

Arrogance: an attitude of superiority manifested in an overbearing manner or in presumptuous claims or assumptions.

​Confidence: a feeling of trust in one's abilities, qualities, and judgement.

The difference is simple: "Confidence is silent, insecurities are loud". In other words, when you're confident you don't need to prove anything. But when you're arrogant, you always act as if you know better than other people.

2. Can you be confident and humble at the same time?

Yes of course. Being confident simply means trusting your abilities and your judgement. It's totally possible to be confident in yourself and humble at the same time.

3. How can I become confident fast?

You can't. It takes time to overcome your limiting beliefs and change your mindset.Do you still have some questions?

I want to answer every question you might have so go ahead and leave a comment. I'll personally respond to every single one.


r/confidence 9h ago

I got handed the mic in my university orientation in front of 1k students.

18 Upvotes

In the orientation they were asking about an email they had previously sent (whether we understood what was expected of us, the email was very vague though), I was joking with the people I had gotten to know and said no I didn't understand. Apparently I was kind of loud, the speaker didn't hear me saying no, but she heard me talking so she handed me the mic. So when she said I'll give you the mic, everyone started staring/looking at me. Never have I ever been on the spot like this (at least 1k students). For the first time ever I was on the spot like this, I was shitting myself internally. Only a year ago, I would've probably refused to take the mic, I guess a lot of people would do that, understandably so. I was sweating but I ignored it. I took the mic (after 50 people had gone through the effort to give it to me), I changed my words completely (to be diplomatic and not confrontational) and said that the email was very clear and detailed (I gave a serious answer). Everyone was laughing legit all I could hear was giggles and laughing, presumably, with me, not at me (I hope not). Afterwards when I was getting to know some people, a girl I was talking to asked me what are your plans so I said I want to be the student union president so she said to be honest, I liked the fact that you are very confident and didn't hide when they handed you the mic, and I can see you being president. I was a bit taken aback, since I'd never met her, didn't know doing something like that would give an impression like that. Another girl was joking (she was the one sat next to me) and said I didn't know you had that inside of you. and for the rest of the day when I was talking to new people they were saying you're the guy who took the mic and they seemed chill about it.


r/confidence 3h ago

My lobster is too buttery? Type of problem

2 Upvotes

So as arrogant as it may sound. I’ve noticed I have a fear of being perceived as “too cool” or “too charming” and so I dim my light. For example if a woman tells me I’m handsome or something ect and it’s in ear shot of others, or a woman is interacting in a way that it’s obvious she’s attracted to me in eye view of others? I worry they’re looking and going “oh I bet he used to that” or “oh I bet he’s the man” not even in a hater way, more so in a self pity way like man you’re cool af bro I wish I could be like you. Like envy but not hateful type of envy. I have no idea why I feel this way. Sometimes I won’t speak to or even approach people because I feel like I’ll come across as “oh this guy thinks he so cool” type of way. I’m sure I’m very naturally “smooth” or cool (and people have told me so) but that makes me uncomfortable and I have no idea why. I feel like it’s such a stupid problem to have.

I’ve had many people tell me that like “oh I’d never approach you outside of work cause you look like I’d be bothering you or your too cool to interact with” and it kind of hurts my feelings. Sometimes it makes me feel a bit bitter though. Of course I know it’s not a terrible problem to have it’d be like crying about pretty punishment ya know. But I can’t help feeling this way at times. I know it’s a strange insecurity to have. Any advice?


r/confidence 3h ago

Believing in myself and just keep moving forward

2 Upvotes

High school was rough. Not the kind of rough you see in movies, no dramatic hallway shoving or anything. Just years of people making it clear you didn't belong. Being excluded, getting weird looks, people laughing at things you didn't even realize were different about you. It wasn't one big thing. It was years of small things that eventually made me believe there was something wrong with me.

I stopped trying after a while. Wore dark baggy clothes that didn't say anything, kept my head down, made myself as small as possible. Figured if people couldn't see me, they couldn't hurt me.

College changed things. Not immediately, but slowly. At some point I realized I had to make a choice that keep letting the past define me or actually do something about it. I chose the second. Started going to therapy, got on the right medication, started actually dealing with stuff instead of just surviving through it.

The biggest change wasn't even about feeling better. It was about realizing I had a choice. I could stay stuck or I could push forward and build something new. I chose to push.

Now I look at how far I've come and I barely recognize the person I used to be. I actually take care of myself now. I train regularly, eat properly, sleep well. Not because I have to, but because I finally understand that I deserve to be strong and healthy. I also started wearing clothes I actually like. Picked up a few bold printed gym tees, nothing fancy, just stuff that actually feels like me instead of things that help me disappear.

It takes courage to get up every day and keep going. But that's exactly what I'm doing. Just keep moving forward, one day at a time.


r/confidence 18h ago

Am I insecure or are my friends bad?

12 Upvotes

Hey guys, I’ve been friends with my group since high school and we have a few different races in our group. I’m close with them in terms of we discuss our dating and job news. I don’t know if other male groups do this but there are many racist jokes being thrown around and fat jokes. Most of the time I’ve been targeted as I’m the darkest in the group chat. I’m very passive and don’t like directly saying I don’t like those jokes as I feel like I’ll come off too sensitive so I used to insult them back. And now I’m 23 I realised that isn’t the best way to do things and have been ignoring the chat. I feel like a few people in the chat particularly target my looks or even my hands which are wrinkly from eczema, either because they are insecure themselves or I’m the butt of the joke. I’m not sure if they are secretly dissing me behind their jokes. I’ve even mentioned that I don’t like my skin colour and they have turned around and said to not be insecure about it. So it doesn’t make sense to why they are still continuing to make jokes about my skin. Do a lot of guy friend groups operate like this or am I in a toxic group? Thanks.


r/confidence 6h ago

17f, tired of worrying about something that actually makes me better

1 Upvotes

as a 5’11, 17 y/o girl who has become insecure about her height mainly because of social media and the way girls have always treated me, i’m going to list some positive aspects about being tall as a girl and why i am so lucky to be so:

1. I’m unique. At least where i live in, i barely ever encounter a girl nearly as tall as me, and my height isn’t the average in any country, which means that i’m different, and being so is positive. It makes me stand out and be special!

2. They hate us because they ain’t us. Every single person who bothers hating is unworthy of anyone’s time. They’re insecure and seek validation, because if not, why would they bother hating? Everyone who hates does not have a life, and by listening to them i’d just be giving them the attention they don’t have at home. I’m better than them. They’re jealous. Let them bark.

3. Sports and fitness. I’ve been the best at every single sport i’ve tried. Because of my height, im able to run very fast. I also stay fit easily, even without trying to, i never gain much weight or is it noticeable in my body.

4. Elegance. All clothes look good on me. Each time i step outside, i get praise. My legs are super long, so skirts and short dresses look super sexy on me. Even when i go to the beach, or i’m just chilling at home wearing some pathetic pajamas, i look like a barbie doll. I draw attention everywhere i go, which is something that has always made me anxious, since i’m so shy, but it is not something negative. People are curious about me, so let them be.

5. More and better options in dating. I’ve had both shorter and taller than me guys approach me, so i don’t even have to worry. If a guy is insecure? he won’t even bother to approach me bc he’d be too intimidated to even try. In every aspect, i win.

6. Celebrities to look up to. For a long time, i was upset since i struggled to find women around my height in films and books, but when i did my research? i found the most beautiful women i’ve ever seen and surprise, they’re all around my height! Doutzen Kroes, Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel, Anok Yai, Jennifer Lawrence, Nicole Kidman, Brooke Shields, Elle Fanning. etc etc etc. And they’re stunning, successful and desired.

7. Job opportunities. I got approached by a modeling agency when i was just a kid, and ever since then, i’ve been approached around 6 more times. My parents finally allowed me to get in the agency when i was about 10. So, even tho i’m studying and want to have a serious job, i’ll have modeling as a side job and a hobby, which does not only give me plenty of opportunities but makes me feel confident in myself. Besides, because of my height, i demand respect, so in any other job i could have in the future, i’ll be seen as a power figure.

8. View in concerts. I had to add this one because it’s so fun. I went to my first concert last year and i could literally see over everyone’s head lmaoo. I was pretty far from the stage and could see the singer perfectly, had lots of fun!

9. I’m cute and feminine. I got this insecurity about being unfeminine online, since i’ve read comments from people saying that tall girls apparently can’t be so. Long story short: that’s nonsense and just a way to cope. I’ve been literally called cute irl, and i’m called beautiful all of the time. Cuteness isn’t tied to height, for example, i find some of the girls i listed earlier such as Elle Fanning and Doutzen to be not only attractive and confident, but super cute. If you have a pretty face, dress girly and act so, then you are those things! And remember than stereotypes are everywhere. I’ve also seen short girls getting called childlike, short men being called feminine, skinny people being called unattractive, fat people being called unattractive. So, even if my issue wasn’t being tall, i’d find another reason to hate myself.

Lastly, i’d just like to remember that social media isn’t the real world. I’ve always been tall, even when i was a toddler, i grew faster than the other kids. Even then, i was happy. I used to be able to make friends everywhere i went to, until i turned 10 and got my first phone. In the actual world, i’ve never been actually criticized, just excluded and treated badly by some insecure girls that even admitted to be jealous of me.

I’m beautiful, i’m special, i’m intelligent, and i’m perfect, and God made me this way because i’m worthy and he loves me. i’m perfect in his eyes, and that’s what matters most.

Jealous and insecure people aren’t worthy of my time. I’ve recently had this urge to fight the people that comment negatively on tall girls online and that kind of stuff, but literally, why bother with them? let them be mad. If that’s their way to cope with how unlucky they were in the genes lottery, that’s okay.

I’d never even thought about changing my body if it wasn’t because of social media, since in my life, i’ve never had any problem with it besides those envious people. The media presses everyone to change themselves, literally no one is safe, that’s why nowadays many girls get esthetic procedures, surgeries and more. I won’t change my body just because of what’s trendy, my body deserves more than that.

Being tall has nothing but pros.


r/confidence 1d ago

How do you build unshakable self worth?

26 Upvotes

I am trying to build my self worth so strong that no matter how much your ex-situation ship did not chose you or cheated on you would matter.

Guys please spill your secret to building a strong sense of self worth and you never have to outsource it. So you never have look for it from a partner, parents or friends.

Trying to heal from a situation-ship break up. All kind of tips are welcome.


r/confidence 1d ago

Why do some people chronically disagree with everything I say?

19 Upvotes

I talk with a lot of people and share my insights. But I know some individuals, especially within my family, who will find a reason to disagree with anything I say. Like sometimes they’ll ask me a question like “You were on a diet before right? Why did you stop your diet?” and you give a reasonable answer, inferring that it was difficult getting protein (btw this diet was meat/fish free, dairy free, gluten free, sugar free. And I’m vegetarian). And they respond with “well not necessarily”. Like what?

Or they’ll ask you about your job and goals, and then proceed to test your logic, saying “really, is that all you care about?”. Almost like they’re tryna test you with a slight smile on their face.

I know that disagreeing is a normal part of conversation, but some people do it all the time. Almost like they’re tryna test find every opportunity to disagree with something I say. Idk it makes me feel small.

Am I doing something wrong? Do others not respect me? I also feel like i’m doing something wrong, because if i were doing something right, they clearly wouldn’t disagree with me as often.


r/confidence 1d ago

Self esteem issues

11 Upvotes

I have always had self esteem issues all my life. No matter what people tell me, that I'm pretty, smart, funny, I feel like the opposite. Today my self esteem issues caused the guy I liked to reject me. This isn't the first time. I tried dating when I felt more confident but each time lead to rejection which continued to lower my self esteem to the floor. And now he doesn't like me anymore. Every date I try to mold myself into the perfect girl so that they want me, but deep down I'm just depressed and unhappy. I feel so alone and I just want to be loved by someone. I wish I had a partner who would cuddle me every night and still love me when I feel the lowest about myself. I don't like myself and I really don't like being so lonely.


r/confidence 2d ago

Did talking to strangers actually help your social anxiety?

22 Upvotes

Has anyone here been extremely introverted with strong social anxiety and improved by deliberately talking to strangers on a regular basis? I mean starting small conversations, asking questions or simply forcing yourself to interact more often. Did repeated exposure actually make social situations feel normal over time, or did something else help more?


r/confidence 2d ago

incel circlejerk

61 Upvotes

this entire subreddit is more or less turning into a place where guys who cant get girls somehow manage to blame everything on women, theres still a lot of people on here who genuinely need help with self confidence, which is respectable, but theres an overwhelming amount of incel pricks who believe in hypergamy, the fact that women arent attracted to personality and things of the like and its incredibly damaging to young and impressionable men (and women) who come on this subreddit


r/confidence 2d ago

Creating a "No more Mr nice guy" men’s support group

26 Upvotes

I have been going through this Nice Guy syndrome from a long long time. I just recently started reading this book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and i tried to find some groups that can help me in this journey, where we can share our journey, help each other in reflection and hopefully making positive changes in our life. but i couldn't find any such active groups so I'm thinking of creating one myself. Please share your thoughts, Would you be willing to join if i happen to create one?


r/confidence 2d ago

How can I be confident when I feel like everyone hates me?

25 Upvotes

r/confidence 2d ago

How to stop thinking about myself so much

3 Upvotes

I think I'm pretty cool and have a lot of good traits but whenever I'm in a group setting or talking to someone I don't know that well I get super self-conscious about everything I say and do. At some point I'm not even honestly listening to the other person, just thinking about what would be the best way to react. I often sit silently because I don't want to say anything cringe and I'm worried that people think that I'm shy or don't have much to say, but that's not true at all. Please tell me how get out of my own head and be more in the moment!


r/confidence 2d ago

How can I take my life back?

1 Upvotes

I (31M) have struggled with my self-image for as long as I can remember. I'm short (5'6"), chubby, have a lazy eye, and a plethora of other things that I dislike about myself and tend to focus on. I have had relationships, with my longest lasting 8 years. My relationship with my family is poor, but that's its own mess. I dislike my job, but I feel so inadequate that I talk myself out of pushing myself forward, whether that means going back to school or finding a new career path.

What can I start doing that would help me change my view of myself? I've been on a weight-loss journey since last year, and I'm down from 310 lbs to 217 lbs. I go to therapy every Monday. I write daily affirmations and gratitude lists. I've had some success with training my brain not to be self-deprecating, but I currently feel stuck. This year has been rough for a multitude of reasons, but yeah.

What can I do to build my confidence? I want to date again. I want to have meaningful relationships. I want to get rid of this "woe is me" mindset. Life sucks, but I don't want it to be my personality anymore.

If this isn't the right sub, I apologize.


r/confidence 3d ago

I want to build confidence but I’m not exactly sure where to start

11 Upvotes

I’m a very anxious and self doubting person. Because I can’t trust myself, I made some poor decisions in my life and I’ve been trying to play catch up with everyone around my age. I know now that it’s not a competition and I’ve been taking my time to figure things out but I still feel like a huge part of me is missing: the confidence and feelings of self worth. I’m seriously my own worst enemy.

I don’t know how to build this confidence, to believe good things about myself when I don’t feel it at my core. It’s hard to smile when I’m not really happy, it’s hard to stand tall when I don’t want to be seen. How do I revert these feelings?

I’ve done my own exposure therapy and go out just to meet and talk to people, I’ve done 1:1s to try to work on social skills. I help out people when I can, I’ve watched affirmation videos but I still don’t really feel it. I know I have to do it more but it also feels like I’m just going into everything blindly.


r/confidence 3d ago

How to move past childhood

13 Upvotes

I was a complete asshole as a kid. I don’t think it was entirely my fault, but I was easily antagonised as a kid and people loved to poke at me and I’d be that one kid who’d crash out in class and teachers and kids parents called me a freak and no one really helped, apart from my mum ❤️. She always stood by my side even tho I treated her horribly as a kid and lashed out all the time. Suspended and was made to moved schools and the new school was much much nicer and I was improving but I then ruined it all by lashing out again and it wasn’t the same since (I was 10-13 at this point). Never kept any friends because of this. I was tested for any mental disorders but was told it was just low self esteem.

High school I mellowed out and rarely lashed out. Instead of school it kinda got channeled into video games and I’d constantly punch monitors and lob my controller and get reaaaallly mad. I stuck to a close friend group. But as time went on something changed and my motivation for everything plummeted. Barely went to school. Refused help of any kind. I didn’t really realise it at the time but I was super depressed and my confidence and everything plummeted. My parents thought it was video game addiction but I think it was something more underlying than just that

Then something changed, idk what but I took acid at 16 and smoked lots of weed and it kinda made me zoom out abit which in turn made me a better person and chilled out, I never get properly angry any more and I’d never ever hit anyone again, even small arguments make me very very anxious and I can’t deal with conflict so I ended up letting people walk over me a bit and push me around abit cuz I didn’t want to feel how I felt growing up. If that makes sense.

But I’m 20 now and at uni, in good shape, lots of good close friends, but something inside of me is still telling me I’m not enough and recently I overthink and overthink that it ruins my sleep and with relationships I can never build the courage to do anything as I still have this image of myself that at I’m a freak and weird even tho I think it’s outdated now. I feel it’s still like internalised in me and I still live life through that lense

If anyone has been through something similar, does it get easier? Does it go away? Cuz at times it really gets to me and I still think I’m still not good enough even tho friends and family are really proud of me for coming a long way.


r/confidence 3d ago

Non linear Journey

3 Upvotes

I feel like when I speak to anyone, they’ll say anything and my first response is to enter a deeper thought and ask myself “what’s the best response to this?” Which becomes overthinking and leading to me saying not much at all. I’ve noticed I’m not as confident as I used to be. I felt like I could never get close to someone or be myself around people I haven’t met yet.

How can I stop being in my brain so much?


r/confidence 4d ago

How do you come out of your introvert + socially anxious shell and become a confident person?

33 Upvotes

Does someone have their own story/ experience to share also?


r/confidence 4d ago

How can I learn to be bold, outspoken, fiery, passionate and don’t care what others think?

11 Upvotes

You see them quite a bit in movies and TV shows (usually older women characters) but how can I adapt this for myself?


r/confidence 6d ago

I Told a Woman She Was Beautiful Today

296 Upvotes

I stopped the porn this month since the 16th-18th of August. I've relapsed twice during this time of me stopping (which is bad, I know). But I'm noticing my mind is still healing from me stopping.

Today I told a woman she was pretty. She smiled, came a little closer, said thank you and told me that I made her day. I didn't make a move because I wanted to be respectful and I had things to do. My compliment was not out of lust, but out of pure respect and admiration. But the point is before I stopped the porn I would not have done that at all. I would have just kept the thought to myself, and avoided her presence and any form of eye contact.

So guys keep going regardless if you relapse or not, your brain is still healing. The real world can still satisfy you, and you can become normal again. This is stuff I used to do before porn took over my mind. I hope and pray that more benefits come.

TLDR: Told a woman she pretty today, made me realize my brain is healing from the porn regardless of me relapsing after periods of me abstaining from porn.


r/confidence 5d ago

Self pity

2 Upvotes

hey guys. turned out my self loathing side didnt disappear. I thought it ran its course in highschool but it came back (in college rn).

i still have moments where I hate myself. If I’m too ”weird“ or too “anxious”. I get into my head after a social situation and then shame myself, turning my perceived flaws into daggers to shoot at myself with.

I’m 22f, experience social anxiety, and i absolutely hate it. I feel pathetic and constantly wish to be more socially confident and secure. I feel so undesirable, like somethinf is wrong with me, and I won’t be able to find a partner or be successful in my career because of it.

I wish I was someone different.

I hate how stupid I come off as when I’m all nervous and shy. I can’t even maintain eye contact for long and I hate it.

I went on a first date last night and felt so unsexy with how socially anxious I felt. he prob thought I was a weirdo not able to maintain eye contact. I was overthinking throughout the whole date and ended up feeling so drained and exhausted after. I don’t know how to help myself. I’ve been to therapy for a few years (been on a 1-2 yr gap). I study psychology and try to practice exposure therapy/rejection therapy sometimes. I try to meditate, workout, have hobbie, etc. It’s been years and I still experience discomfort, anxiety, and fear in social scenes. I can’t help but feel like something is wrong with me because of it.
I take every guys disinterest, every girls unfriendlyness as a sign that I’m not enough. That something is wrong with me and I’m not worthy enough, interesting enough, cool enough, etc. for them to stick around.
I hate how im wallowing in self pity but I can’t help myself.

just writing freely here and wondering if anyone has some kind words/advice/guidance for me …


r/confidence 6d ago

Damn that the way you start to see life changes when you've started to harbor a deep ingrained self-belief and self-trust that you can defend yourself

6 Upvotes

For people who survived through life, who walked on eggshells, and who went above and beyond to justify everything for others and avoid triggering certain people in their lives.

This notion, of normalizing and coming to terms within you that it's not just your right but also a fair expectation by the universe to stand for yourself and for what you want and believe in, does really create some peace and daring in your day to day life.

To know within yourself that won't betray you just to keep peace or smother others' feelings at the expense of yours, is really just like having a super power.

And this is not something you just get, you build and affirm within you.

I grew up made to feel guilty for daring to stand for myself. My hesitations were turned against me to stop me from even opening up about my concerns when I experienced harm. And when both failed, I was gaslight into surrendering my autonomy at self-defense to others who betrayed it ever since. And so I walked on the sides of the walls, because after all I've lost this belief that I can be my own protector, until recently when life triggered its discovery back into me.


r/confidence 6d ago

Quickest way to test someones character

218 Upvotes

I feel like if you really wanna test someone’s character… look at how they treat individuals who aren’t as socially dominant as them. If they find every opportunity to make a joke directed towards them, that probably means they’re insecure and masking their own issues.

Y’all agree?


r/confidence 6d ago

Does confidence really affect visibility/invisiblity/attention?

6 Upvotes

If you've ever went from not confident to confident, did you notice changes like going from no attention to some attention or going from some attention to more attention? Similarly, if you've went from confident to not confident, did you notice a drop in attention?

Personally, I'm a woman that doesn't ever get attention in real life, and I always hear from women online to be confident as a piece of advice.

Assuming your looks didn't change (no glow up pr glow down) but only your confidence level did, could you please share how that affected the level of attention you got?